My WS has had a PA and an EA, 6 years apart. We never addressed the PA, and the EA has me completely devastated.
But that's not what I want to talk about.
I feel I am owed one hell of an apology.
BUT
I had been a bad husband. Emotionally absent, non supportive, unwilling to give her what she wants. I read the No More Mr Nice Guy book and realized all the ways my behavior co-created what feels like the world's most unhealthy marriage.
As a result of my behavior, my WS has spent years being lonely, bored, afraid of abandonment, and the amount of self confidence my behavior has eroded from her life must be huge.
I've come to realize that just as I've been through hell, I've also caused my WS a lot of pain during our relationship.
I'm reforming the Mr Nice Guy bit, and she can cite specific examples of how my behavior has changed for the "better" (more healthy is probably more accurate).
You're the one in here asking for advice, so I'd say you. . Your other option is to build resentment. And you should do it not expecting an apogy in return.
. And you should do it not expecting an apogy in return.
That, to some degree, is my big sticking point with going first. The no strings attached part is of course one of the major disfunctions I've always had.
I feel like no matter what, some part of me is going to feel like "ok, so you did your part...now where is hers...?"
At the same time, I feel horribly about the way I've treated her (and I've said as much to her) and I want to help rebuild her trust in me and know that I will always be there for her. Certainly a sincere apology will help that process...and will help unburden my guilt as well.
(I should point out I've committed to R - I thought that might be obvious but maybe not)
I see no harm in apologizing first and giving her everything she wants in the way of attention. If she cheats again, just be wary of the next reason. You sound way too nice. Some women even when they are treated like dirt by their husbands, still do not cheat. They keep trying to get what they need, FROM their husband. You sound way too nice to have missed any kind of hints or direct requests from your wife in that way, but just in case, you have nothing to lose if you are committed to R. I will say that it is impossible for anyone to be a mind-reader and I hope your wife will realize, after you apologize of course, that getting your attention by cheating is extreme and unproductive and unlikely to get her the KIND of attention she would presumably want in a marraige. Hopefully she will learn to communicate better and more efficiently about her needs!
You sound way too nice. ... You sound way too nice to have missed any kind of hints or direct requests from your wife in that way
No, you don't know me and you probably don't know about the Mr Nice Guy Syndrome.
She didn't hint at what she needed, she told me straight to my face and I refused to listen. In fact, I then proceeded to do the opposite, again and again, over 12 years of a relationship.
That is what I would call being a complete a$$hole. And it's exactly what I did.
I'm not justifying her cheating, so don't get that idea either.
Letting actions speak is a good point. I'm living the apology and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. Maybe I verbalizing it isn't so important.
I'm reading the book "How Can I Forgive You" which talks a lot about emotionally effective apologies and I feel like that is what she needs to help move on from the pain I caused her.
She needs it and I'm willing to give it...but can I do it with no strings attached...if I go first...? If she went first...there would be no strings attached...
I might be overthinking this. It feels right to do it...so I should do it.
She has cheated on you 2 times that you know of. She is a serial cheater that has you now blaming yourself for her cheating. If you ever apologize, she will take that as validation that she was right to cheat and will cheat on you again. Oh, wait. You handled things so well the first time she cheated, that she did cheat on you again. I bet you said you were sorry back then too. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Love means never having to say you're sorry ... ooops no that is wrong.
If you have been a nice guy and expected to be treated better then fine. You understand you need to man up. But so what? She is a serial cheater. That trumps nice guy big time.
How about, sorry dear I have not been the best husband I could have been. You chose to be a serial cheater. So I am filing for divorce to give us both the best chance at happiness. I'm sorry.
My WS has had a PA and an EA, 6 years apart. We never addressed the PA, and the EA has me completely devastated.
So you have basically swept this PA under the rug.
Know what happens when you sweep things under the rug? It builds resentment. And that resentment manifested in your actions, like being emotionally absent, non supportive, etc. Because you were tripping over the huge lump in the rug.
You are only responsible for 50% of the state of the marriage prior to the affair. The affair was 100% her choice. Instead of choosing to work it out, communicate it with you, go to marriage counseling, or doing the honorable thing and divorce you, she chose to cheat. Get this through your head: There is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE THAT JUSTIFIES CHEATING. I don't care if you were the biggest ******* in the world, if you were that much of a monster, she should have just left you. And she did it TWICE, which makes her a serial cheater.
And you ask who owes whom an apology? Hell, you haven't even dealt with the PA yet.
Don't try to tell me about filing for divorce or justifying her cheating. I didn't post a thread about that.
Limbo is where I am not. I am trying for R. If you can't deal with that fact, don't post in my thread.
You created a thread and asked for advice. It is not the specific advice you wanted. You rug sweep her affairs and want to apologize to her. Then go for it.
You created a thread and asked for advice. It is not the specific advice you wanted. You rug sweep her affairs and want to apologize to her. Then go for it.
He's not rug sweeping anything and not once has he suggested that he is to blame for his wife's cheating. Rather, he's (bravely, IMO) taking responsibility for his part creating a marital atmosphere vulnerable to cheating. His willingness to recognize the faults of himself as well as his wife is the exact opposite of rug sweeping.
It seems a lot of posters around here want to believe infidelity occurs in some sort of vacuum, or can occur in otherwise flourishing marriages. That way the betrayed can absolve him/herself of any bad behavior. I suppose in a rare instance it may be true that an ideal spouse is cheated upon, but far more often than not infidelity is a symptom of a failing relationship, not it's cause.
Saki isn't taking the blame for the infidelity in his marriage, but he is recognizing that he shares responsibility for the failings that made infidelity possible.
It's a very mature outlook, and one I think gives his marriage a better shot at reconciliation than those in which one partner (or neither) is willing to own up to their failings. Posted via Mobile Device
Apologies...feels like a sticky situation 
. Your other option is to build resentment. And you should do it not expecting an apogy in return. 
