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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Still in shock

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-10-2012, 10:18 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still in shock

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Originally Posted by flabberghasted View Post
, I would have much rather he come to me when she approached him initially to get together and told me he was considering it, if we did not get help.
That is the honorable way of doing it, sadly he chose the cowardly way, an affair. You talk with your spouse FIRST, request professional counseling, and if that fails then either learn to live with the issue or end the marriage.

There is a man in the 'Sex in marriage' forum who is divorcing his wife because she has refused all attempts to resolved their sexless marriage . Though painful, he is choosing to end the marriage with dignity and honor instead of in shameful disgrace.

There is NEVER, EVER an excuse for having an affair.
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:24 AM   #17 (permalink)
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right, and how do I now deal with the intimacy issue dealing with the betrayal portion of this nightmare.....it is a struggle because I realize men and women are obviously different when it comes to the sex part, women=emotional, men=physical
So I feel like to him it is just a physical need, with me an emotional one and I feel absolutely battered in that department. I wish there was a quick fix, and I am realistic enough to know there is not, which is depressing.
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Old 01-10-2012, 10:32 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have never understood the concept of renewing your vows. Your husband showed by his actions of having a 3 1/2 year affair that wedding vows mean absolutely nothing to him so why have him do it again? There is an old saying about the definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Good luck.
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Old 01-10-2012, 11:06 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I am in the same situation. My husband is in a relationship with our neighbor that I thought was over last year. It has been 2 -3 yrs also. My thought is that it is not an AFFAIR but a relationship. She has all the info she needs to manipulate him and tell him what he wants to hear, because she was a friend of mine and our families spent so much time together. Ironically, she is overweight and not very attractive. However, he has been treating me like crap and I am the ***** Wife in this situation, so I do not think I can live with the destruction this has had on my marriage and family. I sent an email to him at Christmas saying I wanted him to love me again, with no reply. Pretty sad. So, I have done the 180 and going back to my counselor with my kids and filing for divorce. She can have him! Just worried about my two boys 13 and 10, because they are good friends with her 3 boys. What a mess.
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Old 01-10-2012, 03:01 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I am in the same situation. My husband is in a relationship with our neighbor that I thought was over last year. It has been 2 -3 yrs also. My thought is that it is not an AFFAIR but a relationship. She has all the info she needs to manipulate him and tell him what he wants to hear, because she was a friend of mine and our families spent so much time together. Ironically, she is overweight and not very attractive. However, he has been treating me like crap and I am the ***** Wife in this situation, so I do not think I can live with the destruction this has had on my marriage and family. I sent an email to him at Christmas saying I wanted him to love me again, with no reply. Pretty sad. So, I have done the 180 and going back to my counselor with my kids and filing for divorce. She can have him! Just worried about my two boys 13 and 10, because they are good friends with her 3 boys. What a mess.
Good luck to you. I feel thesameway re the relationship vs affair, when they have invested that much time lieing, betraying, etc, and all the while spending so much time with this other person(and I say that begrudginely-because, seriously, who does this?)
How did you find out about the affair? I think if he was truly sorry, he would have responded to your note, and he would not be treating you, of all people like crap. Unbelievable! I think what you are doing is the right thing. If my husbands behavior was like that after finding out what you found out, it would be a no brainer for me. My delimma husband is acting the exact opposite of that, but he has always treated me well, been very nice, etc, and I still consider leaving, of course.
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Old 01-10-2012, 03:08 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still in shock

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Our counseler is convinced that SHE sent the letter. I completely agree, as she was living with this other guy-but he was not her first choice, she wanted my husband- and I think she was hoping I would kick him out etc, and then she could finally have him. She ws getting to a point where she had to s_ _ t or get off the pot, so she took a chance that her ploy would work. There are times, many times, I have felt like leaving, but I am going to try, he is completely transparent with me now, but it may be too late....I don't want to live a life where I feel like I need to "check up" on my husband, I want to be able to trust him, like I thought I could. Maybe I am just in denial. Clearly women and men are on completely different wavelengths. He told me he was actually relieved that it was exposed so that it would end. I'm not sure if I am relieved, or what....
Don't knock it - checking up has actually been an amazing tool for me to help rebuild trust. My situation is not as drastic as yours; but I was betrayed and hurt all the same. When my husband showed complete willingness to be transparent about EVERYTHING, email addresses, phone, etc, it really helped. And really, I don't 'check' very often; simply because he provided transparency.
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:29 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Don't knock it - checking up has actually been an amazing tool for me to help rebuild trust. My situation is not as drastic as yours; but I was betrayed and hurt all the same. When my husband showed complete willingness to be transparent about EVERYTHING, email addresses, phone, etc, it really helped. And really, I don't 'check' very often; simply because he provided transparency.
No, I'm not, it's just different after never feeling like that was something I had to do. I agree with you, and it does give me a level of security knowing he is willing to be so transparent. I am also the same way, I might check on him once or twice a month if the urge comes to me. Not nearly as often as in the beginning. Thanks for your advice!
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Old 01-11-2012, 10:30 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by flabberghasted View Post
Good luck to you. I feel thesameway re the relationship vs affair, when they have invested that much time lieing, betraying, etc, and all the while spending so much time with this other person(and I say that begrudginely-because, seriously, who does this?)
How did you find out about the affair? I think if he was truly sorry, he would have responded to your note, and he would not be treating you, of all people like crap. Unbelievable! I think what you are doing is the right thing. If my husbands behavior was like that after finding out what you found out, it would be a no brainer for me. My delimma husband is acting the exact opposite of that, but he has always treated me well, been very nice, etc, and I still consider leaving, of course.
No one here would blame you if you dropped your husband's ass! Take care of you!
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:09 AM   #24 (permalink)
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This sounds so much like me. He doesn't know why he did it. He says there was only heavy kissing and talking. I would probably feel better if he had sex. thats such a primal need but kissing and holding hands is on such a more emotional level for me. I love him more than anything and can't imagine being without him but how do you get thru this? After it started coming out, I found out more by going thru his phone and phone bill. Never wanted to be the person that does that. But I will keep doing it.
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