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post #106 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

Something that came to mind today was something I have observed during the years I have dealt with this illness. I have not found my wife to lie when I have not questioned her.

When I have been patient, and waited, and just let her tell me what she tells me, nothing she has told me has born out to be a lie. When I question her, many things, if not most things, she answers are subsequently found to be lies. I have many protocols in place to verify anything she says. But I have never found anything she says to be a lie when she has volunteered the information without being questioned.

I know many people think dealing with this illness it too weird to tolerate. But personally I don't see it as being very different than dealing with any of many addictions. Spouses of alcoholics and gambling addicts have to help their loved ones cope. Do they they just throw up their hands and dump their loved ones in the garbage? I hope not. I will not do that to Mary.

Yes, I am a wild child of the 60's. But, when it comes down to it, I do believe, as odd as it may sound for someone like me who is pretty adamantly anti religion, that once I chose to get married, I am married for life. And I will do everything I can to make this work. I will not surrender.

So, yes, Mary has an illness. She has been to certified psychologists and psychiatrists. She has more problems than I could ever have imagined anyone could have. Among her problems is this , pathological lying. I have dealt with it for 37 years. I will not give up on her. I will never give up on her. I will never give up on our marriage.

In those 37 years I assure you I have had ample opportunity to verify, in many ways, she does not lie if I do not question her. I just have to be patient.

Edit: We have been married for 43 years. But I was unaware of her illness for the first 6 years. I was aware of her lies. It did cause major problems. Horrible, horrible problems which pain me to remember.


Last edited by WilliamM; 05-13-2017 at 04:22 PM.
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post #107 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

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Originally Posted by WilliamM View Post
Something that came to mind today was something I have observed during the years I have dealt with this illness. I have not found my wife to lie when I have not questioned her.

When I have been patient, and waited, and just let her tell me what she tells me, nothing she has told me has born out to be a lie. When I question her, many things, if not most things, she answers are subsequently found to be lies. I have many protocols in place to verify anything she says. But I have never found anything she says to be a lie when she has volunteered the information without being questioned.

I know many people think dealing with this illness it too weird to tolerate. But personally I don't see it as being very different than dealing with any of many addictions. Spouses of alcoholics and gambling addicts have to help their loved ones cope. Do they they just throw up their hands and dump their loved ones in the garbage? I hope not. I will not do that to Mary.

.
You are a very strong man, and you must love your wife very very much. I don't really think that many people would be willing to go to the lengths you have to stay in a marriage. You wife is lucky to have you.
I wont say I *only* lie when questioned. There have been times when I have lied that he was not questioning me, but these were also instances that I knew that I or the kids had done something (or not done something) and I was trying to prevent anyone from getting into trouble.
It wont make much sense to many people but with me - You can ask me a question, but you can't question me. You can ask me how my day was or what I am making for dinner and I am fine. No lies.
If you ask me anything at all that I can think your going to be upset about, that's when I lie. Did you call the doctors office for me - if I forgot to do it chances are I am going to lie about it. Hell even if I did call but didn't get an answer I might lie about it until I get the information that's needed.

At this point I am not sure that anything I do will matter. I have offered the poly again and he laughed in my face. He says that he does not love me and that he never will love me to way he used to. He says that I don't love him, if I did I would never have lied to him and I would do ANYTHING he says to prove I love him. Some of the things seem to much, and I just cant do it. Then he gets mad again. This morning he said he would be packed and gone before I got home from work. I don't know - I just feel lost.
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post #108 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 07:55 AM
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

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At this point I am not sure that anything I do will matter. I have offered the poly again and he laughed in my face. He says that he does not love me and that he never will love me to way he used to. He says that I don't love him, if I did I would never have lied to him and I would do ANYTHING he says to prove I love him. Some of the things seem to much, and I just cant do it. Then he gets mad again. This morning he said he would be packed and gone before I got home from work. I don't know - I just feel lost.
He will need time to get over this. And probably counseling.

you need counseling on why you lie. And you need to show him through words, but really mostly actions that:
a) you are done lying
b) you are 'safe' for him
c) this needs to be consistent over time.
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post #109 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 08:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

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He will need time to get over this. And probably counseling.

.
He will not go to counselling. He considers it a waste of time and money. He says its fine for other people but he thinks its just a way for people to get money off you and make you believe things are wrong with you when you are perfectly fine.

But I will go if that's an option. I am doing my best to show him, or at least I think I am. He says I am not. So I need to find another, better way.
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post #110 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

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He will not go to counselling. He considers it a waste of time and money. He says its fine for other people but he thinks its just a way for people to get money off you and make you believe things are wrong with you when you are perfectly fine.

But I will go if that's an option. I am doing my best to show him, or at least I think I am. He says I am not. So I need to find another, better way.
ask him what you could do to show that you were trying to be honest?
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post #111 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

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ask him what you could do to show that you were trying to be honest?
I have done this and he said the only thing he will believe is an email, which I no longer have access to. He says without that there is nothing I can do, but there is no way for me to get that. Shy of hiring a hacker to break into my former employers email servers and hoping that its still there somewhere.
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post #112 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 08:17 PM
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

Contact your former employer and explain the situation.

See if someone could email it to you.

worth a try. Hope you get out of this hole you dug.
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post #113 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 10:39 PM
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

Note in my story, my life with Mary, I sent her to a certified psychologist. Then a psychiatrist. Later, another psychiatrist. I choose them. It was not marriage counseling. It was specifically to address her panic attacks, but also her lying.

When I started her going, I had not yet actually realized she was lying so much. But the choice of therapist was correct for both issues. Although the psychiatrist I choose as her second therapist was specifically chosen as a specialist in trauma treatment with experience with chronic lying.

In our case Mary does not lie when I do not question her. But she also does not talk with me very often. She was punished harshly as a child for "lying", by being beaten with a belt since as far back as she can remember, and occasionally having her mouth washed out with lye soap. She learned to only answer what they wanted to hear, and just never speak unless she was forced to answer. Every question was a trap, meant to give her abusers a chance to hurt her more.

So, Mary does not talk to me much at all. She does enjoy talking about totally meaningless things to people who have no power over her. She shows me she loves me in plenty of quiet ways to satisfy me. Every day, many times a day.

Hey, I talk to you guys more than anybody ever needs to talk, anyway. It's fun to listen to her occasional comments about my posts to this site. Which is all that keeps me posting, really.
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post #114 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

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In our case Mary does not lie when I do not question her. But she also does not talk with me very often. She was punished harshly as a child for "lying", by being beaten with a belt since as far back as she can remember, and occasionally having her mouth washed out with lye soap. She learned to only answer what they wanted to hear, and just never speak unless she was forced to answer. Every question was a trap, meant to give her abusers a chance to hurt her more.

So, Mary does not talk to me much at all. She does enjoy talking about totally meaningless things to people who have no power over her. She shows me she loves me in plenty of quiet ways to satisfy me. Every day, many times a day.
.
Lying in my home was very harshly punished, but I can not say that it was a physically abusive place. Mental and sexually - physically not so much. My first marriage was physically abusive, and I relearned very quickly give the right answer - regardless of truth. I have started saying very little. It seems to be safer that way. If I don't talk, then I cant lie.
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post #115 of 115 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know what to do - can you give some advice?

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Contact your former employer and explain the situation.

See if someone could email it to you.

worth a try. Hope you get out of this hole you dug.
Would it still be there, even after several months (was originally sent in September) and they have deleted my account with them. And I am sure the computer has been reformatted for a different user. I did not think that asking was even an option anymore.

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