I think women are lied to as little girls about love, marriage, men.
I was lied to so I had to teach myself.
There is no 'happily ever after'. Seriously. Not that I'm not happy, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows all the time...
Many women think it should be, so they leave,....always the hopeless romantic, trying to recreate that 'new' feeling.
Don't know about men though.
[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]I agree with you. I refure to this as Fairy tale Trainning. I was under the impression that there was a happy ever after and that I needed to have a hero ride in and save me. Yet now I would not trade any of the things he does to show me he is thinking of me and loves me. They are not like I was told to believe things were to be but they are real and I love them.COLOR]
You also have to remember that human females aren't 100% monogamous yet either. It's a human thing to still have desire for others despite being with someone.
The idea that women only want love was created in the past to brainwash females in order to get them to behave. Men have always had the option to have a serious relationship or just adventures but women were always told that if we wanted to be good and honorable women we had to want one man only and marry virgins.
Now that society has become more open about what is acceptable in female sexuality, look the way women are behaving. Just as bad as men did in the past. Wanting more casual sex than meaningful relationships.
If women truly were wired to be monogamous, then how come did they learn to cheat? And cheat a LOT!
The idea that women can't separate love from sex, as some have stated many times, is also flawed.
Which gender in human history, has used sex as weapon and as "money" more than the other? I think it's obvious. How can people say then that women cannot separate love from sex? Also many women marry for money and have sex all their lives with their rich husbands (only to keep him around), yet they do not fall in love with them.
PS.:I am NOT defending female infidelity AT ALL here, I am just explaing that I do NOT believe when someone says that only males are wired to seek more than one partner.
What a messed up study. In truth anyone is capable of cheating and I would much rather read an artical about why some do not cheat.
Men are not hard wired to cheat they are hard wired to have sex just as are wemon.
I think that to do a study on collage aged men and pin adult grown men to that is messed up. Most adult men don't think the same as their younger fellows and have a different social life and things so it really is not fair to say that men are hard wired to cheat when you are talking to their younger counter parts. Just don't believe that it translates well.
Some very interesting arguments here. But the one I see ignored is, if we have evolved so much as humans, and have surpassed the procreation/survival of the species model, then whyis there still attraction for others?
Think about it, if monogamy is derived from evolution, then wouldn't we have evolved to find every other human being despicable upon finding our mate? Yes, cheating is a choice, but so was procreating back in the day. If the specie did not choose to procreate, then it would not happen. Even back then, women chose the A male to procreate with. So this idea that they were not thinking back then, is somewhat naiive.
Granted, if you feel the need to be with as many people as you choose, don't get married, but then you still get labels when you do. So people get married many times to satisfy those judgmental types, and exhibit their ways in private/secret.
And as history has a tendency of repeating itself. With monogamous relationships, and people having 2.5 children, then factoring in the losses to death by various methods, won't we end right back up to that point? So maybe some folks are just ahead of the curve.
The only thing that discredits all this is that, if when men cheated, all the women they cheated with were bearing their children, then you would have to scrtch your head and say maybe there is something to this. But the desire to cheat is not from the need to procreate, it's to get that new feeling. As the line in many an urban song/movie goes: "There's no pu$$y like new pu$$y."
Which brings me back to my original argument, if the evolution of man dictates that monogamy is now the "norm", why do we still manage to find others attractive? Wouldn't evolution dictate that as well. Oh, and by the way, we are constantly evolving, so people's ideas of marriage and monogamy can change as well.
Professor Eric Anderson’s book The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and The Reality of Cheating, details a study that he conducted using 120 college students.
120 College students? Seriously? That should destroy any credibility this book has right there.
Well, we all were those college students at some point in time. And it is around that age and time where people find the partners they end up marrying. It didn't say whether they were seniors or freshmen, that may be where the disparity lies. But as a senior, you're pretty much a man/woman and your thought process for your 20's at least have been defined. Only thing that changes those processes is life experience.
The original purpose of marriage was not for a man and a woman to share their lives and find sexual, emotional and spiritual fulfillment in a monogamous relationship. It was to pair male and female offspring so they could become a self sufficient survival unit which could also contribute to the resources of the FOO (family of origin). Promiscuity - a natural evolutionary trait for improving the gene pool - was anathema to the purpose of marriage because it put in jeopardy resources which belonged only to the married couple and the FOO. So the artificial social constructs of marriage and monogamy were instituted by clans to safeguard against the 'theft' of vital resources from others. We can see proof of this in our marriage laws which convey half ownership of all resources acquired during the time a couple has been married.
Kurosity is right, both men and women are hard wired to form romantic/sexual relationships with more than one person but those who choose to get married - unless stated beforehand - do so, out of their own free will, vow to abide by the historic romantic/sexual exclusivity of it.
Well, we all were those college students at some point in time. And it is around that age and time where people find the partners they end up marrying. It didn't say whether they were seniors or freshmen, that may be where the disparity lies. But as a senior, you're pretty much a man/woman and your thought process for your 20's at least have been defined. Only thing that changes those processes is life experience.
From my experience, I was ready for marriage, while my college sweetheart ex-wife apparently wasn't and cheated on me with a classmate of hers. To base a book on a sampling of only 120 college students is ridiculous. How many people are ready for marriage and ready to settle down even during their senior year?
I'm reminded of all those Girls Gone Wild and all those Spring Break videos.
Some very interesting arguments here. But the one I see ignored is, if we have evolved so much as humans, and have surpassed the procreation/survival of the species model, then whyis there still attraction for others?
Think about it, if monogamy is derived from evolution, then wouldn't we have evolved to find every other human being despicable upon finding our mate? Yes, cheating is a choice, but so was procreating back in the day. If the specie did not choose to procreate, then it would not happen. Even back then, women chose the A male to procreate with. So this idea that they were not thinking back then, is somewhat naiive.
Granted, if you feel the need to be with as many people as you choose, don't get married, but then you still get labels when you do. So people get married many times to satisfy those judgmental types, and exhibit their ways in private/secret.
And as history has a tendency of repeating itself. With monogamous relationships, and people having 2.5 children, then factoring in the losses to death by various methods, won't we end right back up to that point? So maybe some folks are just ahead of the curve.
The only thing that discredits all this is that, if when men cheated, all the women they cheated with were bearing their children, then you would have to scrtch your head and say maybe there is something to this. But the desire to cheat is not from the need to procreate, it's to get that new feeling. As the line in many an urban song/movie goes: "There's no pu$$y like new pu$$y."
Which brings me back to my original argument, if the evolution of man dictates that monogamy is now the "norm", why do we still manage to find others attractive? Wouldn't evolution dictate that as well. Oh, and by the way, we are constantly evolving, so people's ideas of marriage and monogamy can change as well.
I can see what you mean. But personally I don't believe that monogamy was created by society only.
I believe we evolved naturally to want to stay with monogamous relationships. After all every instinct has to have a purpose for being.
The purpose for poligamy was procreation NOT lust/sexual pleasure. And when someone cheats (whether they are male or female) they are NOT intenting to have a child in the process.
Just the other day I was watching a documentry on National Geographic and they had this Doctor (I'm sorry I don't recall her name, I'll check) and she was commenting about people who have open relationships.
And she said many studies show that humans are what they call a "pair-bonding species" NOT polygamous. She did say that humans (males and females) tend to be unfaithful but we still tend to want to form pairs.
And she explained that's why we feel jealousy and it's so hard not be jealousy from time to time.
Because we simply are not made to want to share our patners with others. That is why not everyone could stand the thought of being in a open relationship.
Personally that's what I have always believed myself. That humans may not 100% monogamous but we are 100% controlled by our urges to seek another while in a relationship either. I f we choose we can indeed walk away without having to give to the other person we feel attracted to.
When we do it's more of a choice rather than something we are bound to do whether we want it or not. It's not something we cannot control as some people claim sometimes.
From my experience, I was ready for marriage, while my college sweetheart ex-wife apparently wasn't and cheated on me with a classmate of hers. To base a book on a sampling of only 120 college students is ridiculous. How many people are ready for marriage and ready to settle down even during their senior year?
I'm reminded of all those Girls Gone Wild and all those Spring Break videos.
Well, you just answered your own question. You were ready, she was not. thats' 50% right there
But seriously, that girls gone wild stuff is usually done by freshmen, the "naughty 18 y.o. coeds". Seniors are usually somewhere in their early to mid twenties and have found an equal that they want to be with. there is a difference in behaviors. Yes, there are juvenile seniors, but there are juvenile 44 year olds.
What I am trying to say is that althought we still have some urges we must learn to control them in order to preserve our relationships when have them. It's either that or stay single.
Just because something can be explained with science it does not mean it fits today's world. That what I tried to say when I mentioned the female instinct that makes us want to be with males who can provide the most.
Now a days, it's no longer necessary, as females are more and more indenpent and can now contribute to family's income. You'd think that in the past, males did not mind having females want them only for their resources, if anything males back then flaunted them so they could attract females.
But today is a different story, as more and more men are NOT willing to marry women who only want their money.
The same happens with polygamy. Once upon a time it was more than acceptable, and females did not mind sharing their mates. However, back then we were more interest in procreation. We did not become attached to our male partners emotionally. Today is, just as with the female instinct, a different story.
That's why any woman who is more interested in resources/money is doing so out of greed, not out of the need to fulfill her instinct. The same goes for the males who want many women while in relationships. They are doing so out lust, not to fufill their instinct.
I can see what you mean. But personally I don't believe that monogamy was created by society only.
I believe we evolved naturally to want to stay with monogamous relationships. After all every instinct has to have a purpose for being.
The purpose for poligamy was procreation NOT lust/sexual pleasure. And when someone cheats (whether they are male or female) they are NOT intenting to have a child in the process.
Just the other day I was watching a documentry on National Geographic and they had this Doctor (I'm sorry I don't recall her name, I'll check) and she was commenting about people who have open relationships.
And she said many studies show that humans are what they call a "pair-bonding species" NOT polygamous. She did say that humans (males and females) tend to be unfaithful but we still tend to want to form pairs.
And she explained that's why we feel jealousy and it's so hard not be jealousy from time to time.
Because we simply are not made to want to share our patners with others. That is why not everyone could stand the thought of being in a open relationship.
Personally that's what I have always believed myself. That humans may not 100% monogamous but we are 100% controlled by our urges to seek another while in a relationship either. I f we choose we can indeed walk away without having to give to the other person we feel attracted to.
When we do it's more of a choice rather than something we are bound to do whether we want it or not. It's not something we cannot control as some people claim sometimes.
Very good points, but again I ask. If we have so evolved to become monogamous, why is there still an attraction to outside people? what is the necessity behind that desire? Is it just proof that we are still, at our core, the same as our very distant cave dwelling relatives?
As for jealousy, that's just insecurities overtaking your emotions. If your partner makes you secure, jealousy has no place in your mind.
Very good points, but again I ask. If we have so evolved to become monogamous, why is there still an attraction to outside people? what is the necessity behind that desire? Is it just proof that we are still, at our core, the same as our very distant cave dwelling relatives?
As for jealousy, that's just insecurities overtaking your emotions. If your partner makes you secure, jealousy has no place in your mind.
I agree with what you said about jealousy.
As for the attraction we still feel for others while in relationships. I do not believe there is a reason for it. I believe it is just a "leftover" from the strong instinct we all once had. Just like anger and agression.
Back in the day our violent tendencies served a purpose. To protect ourselves, our infants from predators,etc...
While we still have the "leftovers" of our instinct for being agressive, we can now control ourselves much better than we did back then. Those tendencies do not take over most people in society and make them agressive to the point of killing a lot of people for stupid reasons. There are always exceptions of course.
The same with being attracted to many people instead of only one. It's what is left of our polygamous past.
Just because something can be explained with science it does not mean it fits today's world. That what I tried to say when I mentioned the female instinct that makes us want to be with males who can provide the most.
That female instinct you're referring to is hypergamy. And hypergamous women are attracted to the strong alpha male because he supposedly is the better hunter and can provide better, thus has better genes. She can let the beta male care for the offspring, but the alpha male turns her on sexually.
What I am trying to say is that althought we still have some urges we must learn to control them in order to preserve our relationships when have them. It's either that or stay single.
Just because something can be explained with science it does not mean it fits today's world. That what I tried to say when I mentioned the female instinct that makes us want to be with males who can provide the most.
Now a days, it's no longer necessary, as females are more and more indenpent and can now contribute to family's income. You'd think that in the past, males did not mind having females want them only for their resources, if anything males back then flaunted them so they could attract females.
But today is a different story, as more and more men are NOT willing to marry women who only want their money.
The same happens with polygamy. Once upon a time it was more than acceptable, and females did not mind sharing their mates. However, back then we were more interest in procreation. We did not become attached to our male partners emotionally. Today is, just as with the female instinct, a different story.
That's why any woman who is more interested in resources/money is doing so out of greed, not out of the need to fulfill her instinct. The same goes for the males who want many women while in relationships. They are doing so out lust, not to fufill their instinct.
Our instincts (genetic programming) actually generate our emotions and mating tendencies. Individually we have difficulty making the connection between instincts and emotions because it happens unconsciously. Your argument that women are interested in money and resources out of greed and not out of instinct misses the point. Women are interested in money and resources because it's their instinct to find a man that can provide for them. In today's society its cash that makes that happen. I think the cold calculating gold diggers are acting on their instinct to survive in our modern jungle.
I've come to the conclusion that its not natural to stay with one person yet I remain faithful and invested in my marriage. I do so because I expect my wife to do the same and I wish to keep my family intact. So yes I make an intellectual choice to not act on all my emotions or biological needs, but it's a choice that's made within the framework of today's society. The choice is made due to expectations and not what my body is telling me to do. I think the fact that women are now openly cheating at the same rate as men supports my conclusion. It's now becoming clear that their instincts have always driven them to seek out the fittest partner, but modern societal constraints have kept this desire underground.
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Re: Proving men are "prewired to cheat" 
