My life is a complete and total mess.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-10-2012, 01:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My life is a complete and total mess.

Where to begin... I am in a serious affair with another man.
I am married, he is married. All we do now is try to figure out a way to get out of our marriage's. I am having second thoughts, but then I see him and have 2nd thoughts about my 2nd thoughts. A little back story..

I am 40 married for 15 years, one child in elementary school. My marriage has had its share of issues, we've talked seperation, we've talked about staying together. 5 years ago he had an EA and then again with another women last year. Both ended when I got wind of them, but I was humiliated. Both times I've confronted the women in person. Stood my ground, this is my family.

My marriage has never been a healthy sexual relationship, we have very little to no passion or sex, and we discuss it all the time that we are roomates. Went to counseling, didn't help.

Met someone 4 months ago, he is married 20 years, wife no longer shares the bedroom. We started as E-Friends who could just relate to the other. Within a month it was physcial. Now its weekly and I am crazy about him!

Sneaking around, lying, cheating all things neither of us thought we could do.. Now we talk about leaving and being together, planning details, how will we make it work. The mistakes we've made in our current relationships and how to not make them again.

I start to have 2nd thoughts, selling houses, splitting custody, is it all worth it.. The other man is constantly questioning me.. Where am I, what am I doing, am I sleeping with him.. I am constantly questioning him.. I don't think we can trust each other given what we have been doing. Its all a mess.

However, I have fallen in love with him. Where I am not in love with my husband anymore. I just don't know anymore.. Thinking of telling my husband and letting the chips fall where they may. But I don't want to hurt him. WOuldn't it be better if we just seperated and then tell him I met someone. He's still my son's father. He doesn't need to be humiliated. But does he, he did it to me.. However I am not doing this to be vengeful. I am truly not sure what to do..

Has anyone here cheated on the spouse or their spouse cheated on them and end up with that person? Am I really thinking in another world that this could possibly end up in a good relationship?
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Old 01-10-2012, 01:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

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Originally Posted by lolly.lolly View Post
Where to begin... I am in a serious affair with another man.
I am married, he is married. All we do now is try to figure out a way to get out of our marriage's. I am having second thoughts, but then I see him and have 2nd thoughts about my 2nd thoughts. A little back story..

I am 40 married for 15 years, one child in elementary school. My marriage has had its share of issues, we've talked seperation, we've talked about staying together. 5 years ago he had an EA and then again with another women last year. Both ended when I got wind of them, but I was humiliated. Both times I've confronted the women in person. Stood my ground, this is my family.

My marriage has never been a healthy sexual relationship, we have very little to no passion or sex, and we discuss it all the time that we are roomates. Went to counseling, didn't help.

Met someone 4 months ago, he is married 20 years, wife no longer shares the bedroom. We started as E-Friends who could just relate to the other. Within a month it was physcial. Now its weekly and I am crazy about him!

Sneaking around, lying, cheating all things neither of us thought we could do.. Now we talk about leaving and being together, planning details, how will we make it work. The mistakes we've made in our current relationships and how to not make them again.

I start to have 2nd thoughts, selling houses, splitting custody, is it all worth it.. The other man is constantly questioning me.. Where am I, what am I doing, am I sleeping with him.. I am constantly questioning him.. I don't think we can trust each other given what we have been doing. Its all a mess.

However, I have fallen in love with him. Where I am not in love with my husband anymore. I just don't know anymore.. Thinking of telling my husband and letting the chips fall where they may. But I don't want to hurt him. WOuldn't it be better if we just seperated and then tell him I met someone. He's still my son's father. He doesn't need to be humiliated. But does he, he did it to me.. However I am not doing this to be vengeful. I am truly not sure what to do..

Has anyone here cheated on the spouse or their spouse cheated on them and end up with that person? Am I really thinking in another world that this could possibly end up in a good relationship?
You're sure to get blasted on here...looking for our blessing to carry on your affair.

You're living in La-La Land at the moment; a complete fantasy. What makes you think that he won't cheat on you, or vice versa. Get your head out of the fog, and sort out your mess.
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Old 01-10-2012, 01:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

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Originally Posted by lolly.lolly View Post
The other man is constantly questioning me.. Where am I, what am I doing, am I sleeping with him.. I am constantly questioning him.. I don't think we can trust each other given what we have been doing. Its all a mess.
You should be prepared to have those feelings of mistrust intensified if you choose to stay with this affair partner. You both were unfaithful in your current relationships, you will always be concerned about the other being unfaithful in your new relationship. And statistically you are very unlikely to stay together long-term and happy if you go that route. Its not impossible, just very unlikely.

Also, from an outsider's perspective who has seen this in a hundred stories, it seems very naive to say that you two are "in love" after 4 months. Its an infatuation and lust and the rush of chemicals from being with someone new. What does love mean to you??

In my opinion, your best chance of happiness is to quit this affair, confess to your husband, and if he is willing, find counseling for your relationship.
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Old 01-10-2012, 01:53 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

You have done just as wrong as your husband has done, in the past. His doing what he did doesn't justify your affair. He still deserves the truth. You sound like you do already accept the fact that you know this new relationship will never work out. You will never trust each other. Is it really worth it, in the end? You're only going to be shifting the same issues to a new man and marriage.
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

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Originally Posted by lolly.lolly View Post
Both times I've confronted the women in person. Stood my ground, this is my family.
What happened to this attitude when you were starting your own affair?

You need to break up with the OM and tell your husband. You need to either work on your marriage or leave your marriage.

Your relationship with the OM will most surely fail. You have been in a relationship for only 3 months and he is already being controlling. You can already see that you won't be able to trust each other.
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

The success rate of affair relationships turning into solid long term relationships is very low. Like < 5% low. So leaving your husband and son for this other guy would be fairly foolish. And if you think he won't clue in to you magically finding some new guy just as you leave your marriage, I think you're deluding yourself.

If you need to get out of the marriage, just do it. But don't do it with any thought of a better life with your other guy. And don't think you'll escape without hurting your husband or son.

As an FYI, I speak as someone else who cheated on their spouse. I had an affair prior to ending my marriage of 17 years. I chose not to reveal to my wife that I had cheated on her, but I also didn't leave her for another woman (my affair was over by the time I told my wife I wanted to end things). I had, however, started seeing someone else shortly after moving out. Even though it doesn't bother me morally to do so (my legal status here is separated, and there has been no talk of reconciliation in the last year), I still keep that information from my wife and kids. Partly to save myself some grief (our separation has been very amicable till now, not sure it would stay that way if she knew I was dating), partly to keep from hurting my wife. But I'm not exactly holding my breath that this relationship will turn into a marriage or even moving in together. We're just really enjoying each other's company for now.

So my advice, decide what you want to do, and do it. But don't kid yourself that there's a nice soft cushy relationship waiting for you, and don't assume you'll get out without significant pain to your husband and child. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

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Old 01-10-2012, 02:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

You need to get a grip on reality. First what you are doing is wrong. You are a Mom you going to raise your child to cheat and disrespect their partner like you What a great role model. Second your Husband deserves better than this crap. Tell him and tell him now and everything. Third break it off and completely with the other man. You are hooked up with another low life that cannot be trusted . Great way to start out a new relationship.

If you want a divorce get a divorce but do not sneak around behind your Husbands back. That is cheap! Get into IC right away and think about your kid and your vows.
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

So already your affair partner is controlling you, asking to report what you are doing, if you are connecting at all with your actual husband.

Don't you see the huge red flags about the OM here? Don't you see how he is a controlling jerk ?

This is the kind of guy your going to end your marriage and your child's family over.

Wow, I guess you don't really love your child at all if your going to kill their family and intrude them to a controlling jerk.

Btw, if he's like this after a month, what is he going to like once he has got you to end your marriage and leave your kid and husband for him?
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lolly.lolly View Post
Has anyone here cheated on the spouse or their spouse cheated on them and end up with that person? Am I really thinking in another world that this could possibly end up in a good relationship?
I have not cheated on a spouse however my current marriage was born out of an affair I had with my now wife while in a serious long term relationship.

We`ve been married happily for 12 years this weekend.
Kids, house, jobs, the whole enchilada and no infidelities.

It`s true I suppose about the trust issues but honestly I would have nearly the same trust issues with anyone regardless of whether or not I knew they cheated because most people do cheat at one time or another so you always have that issue to deal with if you`re smart.

Anyway I`m answering your OP with a "Yes".
A relationship born out of an affair can be good and lasting and filled with happiness.

I`m told it`s against the odds though which just makes me realize how good I`ve had it.

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Old 01-10-2012, 02:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.. I know what I am doing is wrong, I am not justifying it in any way shape or form.
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

For God's sake, end your marriage and stay away from the other man as he is a control freak already.

If you won't end your marriage, either tell your husband or ask your husband to go to counseling with you again and you go to counseling by youself.

Geez, not getting much support from me. Once cheated on, it is very hard to trust again. You had the upper hand by not cheating and having your husband prove to you that he wanted you. Now you are no better than your husband.
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:30 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

Sigh..... Before you start reading the script....

Some of what your going to say, and much of what your going to hear is right here in another recent fogged up DS's thread from last week....

In Love with my dream at the cost of my family

Also, please read "fog" link in my sig.

all the meaningful feelings, introspections and thoughts your going to share are painfully predictable... There is nothing special about your situation, or your feelings...



Your high.
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Don't say never

Last edited by Pit-of-my-stomach; 01-10-2012 at 02:36 PM.
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply.. I know what I am doing is wrong, I am not justifying it in any way shape or form.
You are justifying not telling your husband the truth by saying you don't want to "hurt" him or "humiliate". Too late for that.

What ever you decide to do, your husband deserves the truth. He could make the decision for you then you can continue to ruin your life guilt free.
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

Have you used his past affairs as a controlling tool to facilitate your affairs?
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Old 01-10-2012, 02:49 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My life is a complete and total mess.

so consciously you are aware that you and your affair partner do not trust each other but you're willing to wreck your family to be with him?

So what happens when your head comes floating down from the clouds and you're stuck in a cliche ridden banal existence with a real life human being complete with flaws that you can't trust?

Not being sarcastic here...have you thought about that?
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