Am I Silly?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-24-2009, 10:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Am I Silly?

My husband had a long-term affair with my best friend. Of course I feel dumb that it went on as long as it did under my nose. There are reasons that it did. Anyway, he can't (or won't) tell me when it started or ended. We are up to 8 years. She won't tell me either. It is not happening now, we have been through the counseling etc. We are having an "empty" period in our marriage. I sort of feel lonely in my own home, you know? Anyway at times like this I wonder if I really know him. Just want some input.

Tara
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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He does not set the rules for your healing or for your reconciliation. The reason you feel empty is because they have put you out of loop in your own marriage. You are the one who was betrayed. So him and your girlfriend have decided to withhold this secret TOGETHER from you. I would get them together and I would tell them. "You two are the people I love most. And how was that love re-payed? Buy you two screwing each other be hind my back. First I would like to address my best friend first. You skanky ****. Why couldn't you find your own man? I never want to see or hear from you ever again. Now GTF out. And now for the husband. So you came to the agreement with that filthy ho, that you will not be truthful regarding the affair. You don't have the right to make that agreement. You are lying scumbag, and I deserve more then you. Now GTF out, or if you don't. I will leave. I am seeing a lawyer in the morning and am looking forward to taking you for everything I can get. I will go to IC until I can get past this. Then I am going to find someone who is not a cheating piece of sh!t like you. And I hope that you and the skank make each other miserable." They have treated you like a doormat. Dump their asses. You deserve better.
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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8 years? He had an affair with your best friend for 8 years, do I understand that correctly? And you are unsure exactly how long? I'm so sorry for you, that is really mind blowing. How long have you been married?

Absolutely....you are NOT being silly, unreasonable, or anything else he may be telling you! I don't know what the circumstances are, but he has to come clean with you COMPLETELY if your marriage is going to survive.

If this was an 8 year (+?) affair, I don't know how you are working past this...you are a stronger woman than I am. I don't think I could see past that kind of deception and come out the other side with any forgiveness for him. I hope the best for you. But if you two are truly trying to repair your marriage, he has to be a completely open book about EVERYTHING! Witholding any type of information is further deception in my book.

As for the friend....I hope she is no longer a part of your life.....?
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Old 01-24-2009, 03:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tara View Post
My husband had a long-term affair with my best friend. Of course I feel dumb that it went on as long as it did under my nose. There are reasons that it did. Anyway, he can't (or won't) tell me when it started or ended. We are up to 8 years. She won't tell me either. It is not happening now, we have been through the counseling etc. We are having an "empty" period in our marriage. I sort of feel lonely in my own home, you know? Anyway at times like this I wonder if I really know him. Just want some input.

Tara
my wife did the same thing,she is 39 years,she started an online affair with a 23 year old guy at work,they chatted online,then they met outside the work place,I confronted her when I found her emails begging for more meetings,she cried and confessed to everything,sometimes I feel empty,drifted,and lonely and it's painful,I don't trust her anymore but trying to patch things up,a weard situation,I know our life won't be the same but what can I do,we have been together for 20 years,it's too late to start another relationship,so I do my best to rebuild this one,I suggest the same for you,don't trust him blindly anymore,but try to work it out.you need
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Old 01-24-2009, 04:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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If they were having an affair for eight years what is the difference when it started or ended? How could you have had any type of marriage during that time? He cheated on you as well as cheated you out of all those years of life. There is no way he was a dedicated husband if he was dividing his time between two women. How could you ever trust him going foreward? Finding out all the dirty little details will only make you feel worse.

As for the skank friend, heres my quick little story.
My wife and her best friends boyfriend began an affair that ended our marriage (final straw for me). The affair has been public knowledge for three months now, the best friend, the girl that lost both the male love of her life and her closest female friend is an absolute emotional basket case. After three months she still misses her boyfriend but what my wife did to her has crushed her, it has taken away her will to live. Some friend my wife was.

Here is my point; You said the girl was your best friend, but your husband should have been your best friend, and best friends DON'T HURT EACH OTHER ! I'm sure they both have claimed they didn't want to hurt you, but the problem is they didn't try and NOT hurt you. Affairs don't happen accidently, they take planning, lies and deceit. These two SOB's have never been your friends, I say flush them both down the toilet after you use them to wipe your arse. You don't need or want to know anything more than you already do, why stick the knife deeper? It's time to reclaim your life and find happiness. Be strong.

Cooper

Last edited by Cooper; 01-24-2009 at 04:43 PM.
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Old 01-24-2009, 06:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Tara and Amoul, It doesn't matter how long you have been married, or with them. You make the choices. These are long term affairs. They are not ONS. These people (who you don't even know) are not suppose to be prison sentences. You do not have to be relegated to a life of "well, my life is not horrible". Do not be complacent. Will there be pain? Absolutely. But with that pain comes a promise of healing and a new beginning. You have one life. Why would you choose to be second in someones life. You both deserve to be first. They are not contrite. You both had to find out about them. They are cowards who don't deserve you. Neither of them can be trusted again. Do you want to feel this way for the next 10, 25, 40 years? They never had to do anything to win you back. Except maybe some MC and a few tears. When this all calms down they will be on the hunt again. Because they are selfish. You can't have affairs of this length and change. Or think all of a sudden "Hey, sex with my spouse is great! And I will never want to screw anyone else....ever." Staying with someone like that would be like eating oatmeal, every meal, for the rest of your life. Look at Cooper. He is going to find that person who will love him and be a true partner. You both can too.
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Old 01-25-2009, 06:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Everyone-thanks for your reply. What has happened is that I have gone back to school and stopped drinking so much wine. I am taking psychology and every darn essay we have to summarize in English has been about relationships. If you look in the "Considering Leaving" forum you will find my first posts there. I am not sure that I love him any more, and sex is difficult. As for his affair, if you can believe it I think I got more of his emotional investment than she. (That's another bag of worms) Its beside the point. I think that since I sobered up I have begun to realize that I don't know this man. I don't think I could even comprehend the damage it caused me until now- I wonder if I want to run away from the pain by leaving, I don't know. Or, am I trying to get upset because I already know what I want to do. Sheesh. Mutual friends of them both were little help. My Mom is gone. I have other female friends but I don't trust them. Not their fault.
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Old 01-26-2009, 02:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
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are you silly NO the question should be am I going to lose my mind? I think that if they arent going to be open and honest about it all and talk to you then tell then your out. what A$$holes.
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Old 01-26-2009, 06:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Well again I have to ask WHY you feel a need to talk to these scum bags about their affair. It will not give you closure, it will not make you feel better, it will not answer your questions, and probably will not make them feel bad, so whats the point? You need to move on, their actions were not a little slip up, it was an eight year spit in YOUR mouth affair. And you say sex is difficult, are you kidding me! You are still having sex with this man. Do you realize you are having sex with every partner they have had sex with over the last eight years! What, you think they wouldn't cheat on each other? Get to a doctor and send both the a-holes the bill! If you forgive them I really don't know what to say except your are a very different person than I.

Now to address your drinking. Stop, do whatever it takes.

Cooper
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Old 02-02-2009, 10:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I don't feel a need to talk to her. I have been thinking alot about why I stayed. I could write about all the reasons I did but it would take a loooong time. Perhaps I want another lie so I will leave? Heck, I don't know. I deeply, deeply loved this man. And, I loved my best friend. I am so confused.
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Old 02-02-2009, 12:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I deeply, deeply loved this man. And, I loved my best friend. I am so confused.[/QUOTE]

You are refering to past tense does that mean you dont love them anymore?
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