My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:58 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

I'm so sorry about your injuries during childbirth. This happened after you were married, so I see it as covered under the "for better or for worse" so it gives him no excuse to cheat.

If this can't be healed, can you provide him with other types of sexual activity - say oral - not as a chore, but as a "gift" to a man you love. At the same time he should do everything he can for the wife he loves.

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post #17 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 04:41 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

@ohre
You've been dealt a bad hand ,for sure, I feel for you. I'd say sort out how you want to proceed and confront him.Call him out then Talk it out and see what his excuses are. You don't owe him anything, but he definitely owed you honesty, and should have at least given you a heads up before he wandered. You can be fairly sure your condition didn't cause him to do this, he was going to no matter what. He will also use your condition as an excuse now that you've busted him. If you can deal with being the plan B maid then open up the marriage , but be forewarned ,that seldom works unless both husband and wife are fully onboard. Unfortunately a leopard doesn't change his spots and it seems you already realize that.
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post #18 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 04:55 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

When you say down there, do you differentiate between your labia, clitoris, and vagina? It is important to you, and perhaps useful to this conversation.

Do you know the difference between those anatomical structures? Have you explored them?

It is my opinion "down there" is much too vague.

I don't think your husband should have had an affair, but I do think finding out more about your condition would be useful.
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post #19 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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When you say down there, do you differentiate between your labia, clitoris, and vagina? It is important to you, and perhaps useful to this conversation.

Do you know the difference between those anatomical structures? Have you explored them?

It is my opinion "down there" is much too vague.

I don't think your husband should have had an affair, but I do think finding out more about your condition would be useful.
I do differentiate between the different parts, I'm very familiar with all of the parts of my body. It just seemed to TMI to post exactly what I do or don't feel. It's not something that I talk to people about (other than doctors) and feels very awkward for me to talk about.
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post #20 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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I'm so sorry about your injuries during childbirth. This happened after you were married, so I see it as covered under the "for better or for worse" so it gives him no excuse to cheat.

If this can't be healed, can you provide him with other types of sexual activity - say oral - not as a chore, but as a "gift" to a man you love. At the same time he should do everything he can for the wife he loves.
The traumatic birth happened during my first marriage, this is my second marriage. My current/second husband knew about it before we married, but after we got engaged. He always had an inkling something was wrong but didn't really know what it was. He thought I was just tough to please or had some sort of sexual hangup.

I met my 1st husband in ’96, when I was 15.
I married my 1st husband in 2002, at 21.
I had my 1st daughter with my ex-husband in 2003, at 22.
Following that child birth is when my sexual problems started
I divorced my 1st husband in 2005 (sex being the main reason), at 24.
I started dating again in 2009, at 28.
I met my 2nd husband in 2012, at 31 - he was 34.
I married my 2nd husband in 2013, we had been together for 16 months, engaged 2 months
We had a daughter together in 2015, via planned c-section so things didn't get any worse - if that's possible

So he knew about it before we married, but not until we were engaged. We were only engaged for 2 months before we married. He didn't have a ton of time to change his mind, maybe he would had if we had a longer engagement.
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post #21 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 07:20 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Your husband would be cheating no matter how great sex at home may or may not be. Players rarely give up being players long term. He's bored with married life, not you. He wasn't cut out for marriage and probably never should have in the first place. He has never been able to hold down a long term relationship. This is not your fault, you aren't the cause of his infidelity.

You need to confront him otherwise this will just fester in you and become more and more unhealthy for you. You deserve so much better than this.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #22 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:07 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Wow, you are hard on yourself.

Have you been to a doctor about this? What do they say?

Your husband knew about your issues with sex before he married you, right? He made the decision to marry you while knowing exactly what he was getting into.

With men like him, they would cheat on any woman that they are with. It does not matter if his wife likes sex, or is the hottest woman sexually. Some guys are just man-*****s, and like being like that.

You have all the right in the world to demand that your husband stop cheating. If he does not, then you need to move on. You can find a man who has a lower need for sex, maybe you need to look for an asexual man. There are even dating sites for people who are asexual. So find someone who is sexually compatible with you. Marriage always goes a lot better when there is sexual compatibility.

Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. This is how you need to be interacting with your husband until he agrees to end the affair(s) and agrees to work on fixing your marriage. And if he never agrees with that, then leave him.

And please go see a counselor to deal with your low self esteem.
agreed Ele
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post #23 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:09 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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A couple of things to consider.

If you are OK with him finding sex outside of marriage, then talk to him and "open" the marriage. Agree to rules, etc. That way it isn't cheating, but something you both agree with.

Did he know about your lack of enjoyment of sex before you were dating, or did he think you enjoyed it?

Do you know why you get no pleasure from sex? I assume you get none from masturbation or vibrators either? Is it a medical / physical issue? It seems that if you could find a way to fix this, a lot of problems would be solved.

It is certainly not true that "no man would want you". If you read thread here you will find many posts by women who's husbands have basically no interest in sex. Sex is NOT important to all men, but it is very important to many. Maybe you and your husband are just very badly mismatched.

I wish information about sexual mismatches was taught. It a source of a huge amount of misery because people don't understand how important sexual compatibility is to a marriage.
She's getting cheated on and you suggest 'open marriage' ? No to the fvcking hell. And BTW, going outside the marriage is always cheating. It comes down to whether it's tolerated cheating or not In open marriages, it is tolerated cheatin but adultery is adultery period
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post #24 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 09:11 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Do you enjoy sex with your husband even if you don't find it physically pleasurable?

Did your husband know before you were in a committed relationship? For some people marriage isn't the dividing line, so much as mutual deep love.

This is a very difficult situation. You should not have sex that you don't enjoy, but he should not have to go the rest of his life without experiencing the joy of sex with a passionate partner. I don't see a good solution.
he should have figured this out before he got married
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post #25 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 12:12 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

In a later post she said that he found out after they were engaged but before they were married.

Different people view engagement differently. How much he knew before or to what extent he understood the issue isn't clear.

Its a bad situation, not blaming anyone.

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he should have figured this out before he got married


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post #26 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 12:14 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Consider the options:

He goes without sex for the rest of his life.

He has sex with a partner who can't enjoy it

He has sex outside of the marriage with her agreement

They divorce.


These options all suck. Which is the least bad depends on the feelings of those involved. I don't blame anyone for how they ended up in this situation, its just a question of what is the best option from where they are now.





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Originally Posted by wmn1 View Post
She's getting cheated on and you suggest 'open marriage' ? No to the fvcking hell. And BTW, going outside the marriage is always cheating. It comes down to whether it's tolerated cheating or not In open marriages, it is tolerated cheatin but adultery is adultery period
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post #27 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 02:48 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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We have been married for 3 years. Before we married my husband was a classic man-***** player into his 30's. He had one serious relationship before we met, which lasted 10-12 months. After that he went back to sleeping around for a few months, then wanted to settle down. He was 34 and wanted to settle down, get married, have kids. I think he settled for me because I was the first thing that came along. That is the part of this that is my fault. I knew who he was and what he was when I married him.

Then comes the other issue, our sex life sucks and pretty much always has. And it’s my fault. So I took a man who I know has a high emphasis on sex knowing we’d have problems with sex.

I have no feeling “down there”, so physically there is nothing enjoyable (or not) about sex. I can barely tell what is going on unless I can feel the pressure. No pleasure, no pain. Certain positions I cannot tell at all whether he is in me or not. I still do it and try to fake it but that isn’t something I have ever been good at. He (and every other man I’ve been with) doesn’t enjoy it because I’m not enjoying it.

I enjoy having sex because I like the closeness (of certain positions) and I like it feeling good for him. I get the same thing from sex that I would from cuddling, basically. I’m better at oral, because that is all I’ve ever had to work with. We’ve got to the point that where my husband doesn’t want to put in effort anymore. It’s not like a lot of effort is needed, my pleasure isn’t a factor, just acknowledge my existence. Sex now just makes me feel worthless. Which maybe is to be expected.

It ended my first marriage. It’s ending my second marriage, and it ruined relationships in-between the two marriages. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have been with him in the first place. Or anyone else. I knew that, I was warned about that, I had no business being with any man.

I have wondered about cheating for a long time. I didn’t look into it because I didn’t want to know. 4 weeks ago my husband left his phone in bed after he woke up and had notifications. He had 3 texts in a row and I looked at his phone, the texts where from another woman saying she missed him and couldn’t wait until the weekend. Coincidentally my husband “went” down to the campgrounds with his friends for the weekend. I sat at home crying all weekend. Now whenever my husband is late coming home, goes out or doesn’t text or call me back right away I break down and start crying and hyperventilate. He doesn’t know that I know.

I don’t think I have any right to stop it. I knew who I was marrying. I knew what I was bringing to the table. He wanted someone to settle down with and I was the first person that would take him. I knew no man would want to be with me and took the first one that would. I feel like now I just have to suck it up and deal with it, or divorce and stop trying to be with someone.
Why do you place so little value on yourself and blame yourself for his adultery?
If there is a problem, a good H would talk to you and then both of you would go and see a sex therapist and work through it together.
You current problems do not justify him stepping out on you, that is a ****ty thing to do.



Go and see a sex therapist for your issues, it is somewhat unfair to your H if you are not into sex
Come up with a plan to solve this issue you have
Go see a lawyer to see what your rights are
Did you keep the evidence?
Is the OW married (inform her H or BF)
Confront your WH with the evidence and suggest a separation.
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post #28 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

The reason I ask about specifics is two fold. This forum is pretty much all about TMI, and there may be some corollary to others, depending on the answer.

My wife has almost no feelings in her vagina, for instance. She only vaguely feels penetration during vaginal sex. She's always been that way, though. It was not something which changed after childbirth. I would think a woman like her could be labeled as having no feelings down there if a man only wanted to have vaginal sex with her.

In my wife's case her clitoris is sensitive, although from my limited experience my wife is quite a bit less sensitive than other women.

If a woman where like my wife, for instance, and a man where not quite attentive to discovering her sexual thoughts and physically stimulating her just right, I could see how he would think she doesn't have any feelings.
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post #29 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:28 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Consider the options:

He goes without sex for the rest of his life.

He has sex with a partner who can't enjoy it

He has sex outside of the marriage with her agreement

They divorce.


These options all suck. Which is the least bad depends on the feelings of those involved. I don't blame anyone for how they ended up in this situation, its just a question of what is the best option from where they are now.
divorce amicably IMO
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post #30 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Your husband would be cheating no matter how great sex at home may or may not be. Players rarely give up being players long term. He's bored with married life, not you. He wasn't cut out for marriage and probably never should have in the first place. He has never been able to hold down a long term relationship. This is not your fault, you aren't the cause of his infidelity.

You need to confront him otherwise this will just fester in you and become more and more unhealthy for you. You deserve so much better than this.
Last I remember, there is some little line in the marriage vows that says something like "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH". Your husband does not deserve you. I would ask him if when he develops ED if its OK for you to start banging other men. i think i know what his answer might be.
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