My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Sorry you are here my Lady.

You are to hard on yourself. This is not your fault. Your Husband is full of himself. Men like him Cheat no matter what. Even if you are the best Wife,Mother in the World he will Cheat.
You and your Kids deserve a lot better.

I would say you still like sex and enjoy it. You write you like closeness during sex. Well a lot of us like it too,belive it or not .

What about foreplay ? Good sex is not only sticking your P in and out.

Stay strong.

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post #32 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

I think you have a chain of logic here that is basically dysfunctional: I have this sexual issue and I should have known better than to marry a man like him - a player - because he would naturally want to go outside the marriage and I would be stuck.

Instead of following your logic, try something different: Marriage is about 'in sickness and in health, for better or worse, forsaking all others.' He knew that going in, just as you did. The reason you are 'stuck' now is that you know that he is being a dog, but you are still emotionally attached, so you can't bring yourself to confront and make the hard decision. You decide that the pain of staying with him, knowing what he is doing, is less than the pain of leaving your M.

I think the logic you brought to this thread is essentially 'stinkin' thinkin'.' Take a deep breath and try to reevaluate from a more realistic and healthier perspective. This would better inform your next decisions, in my opinion.
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post #33 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Originally Posted by WilliamM View Post
The reason I ask about specifics is two fold. This forum is pretty much all about TMI, and there may be some corollary to others, depending on the answer.

My wife has almost no feelings in her vagina, for instance. She only vaguely feels penetration during vaginal sex. She's always been that way, though. It was not something which changed after childbirth. I would think a woman like her could be labeled as having no feelings down there if a man only wanted to have vaginal sex with her.

In my wife's case her clitoris is sensitive, although from my limited experience my wife is quite a bit less sensitive than other women.

If a woman where like my wife, for instance, and a man where not quite attentive to discovering her sexual thoughts and physically stimulating her just right, I could see how he would think she doesn't have any feelings.
It feels very awkward for me to say any of this...

During vaginal penetration I feel nothing. Sometimes I can't tell if he's in or not, and size isn't a problem. I either feel nothing at all or pressure/stretching feeling. No pleasure or pain, unless he hits my cervix. Twice since we've been together I had pleasure in the same position both times, but we've never been able to recreate that. Rhythm is really hard for me because I can barely feel what is going on. Faking it (he knows but still likes it) is a bit hard as well. It isn't a tightness issue because he has no problems and has said it's one of the tightest he's "been in". He wasn't lying because he has no filter, just spews things out. I can't remember why he said it but he decided he needed to let me know that "based on his experience the outside/vulva of mine is average/most common type, no offence". I wouldn't have taken offence if he didn't say "no offence".

With my clitoris, it just hurts... Or if it decides not to hurt that day, I can feel it being touched but no pleasure at all. The only pleasure that I can experience is pretty mild and it's from putting a very strong, large in diameter vibrator above my clitoris, which targets the area under it. I can't orgasm from it but maybe 50% of the time it feels okay.

My husband doesn't (well didn't use to) just stick it in and go. He spent a lot of time trying to get me into it, kissing and touching me everywhere, talking to me, trying to get my mind into it first. Since my issues started over a decade ago I've orgasmed 3 or 4 times. Not with my husband, and I barely noticed. The man I was with had to point it out.
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post #34 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
Last I remember, there is some little line in the marriage vows that says something like "IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH". Your husband does not deserve you. I would ask him if when he develops ED if its OK for you to start banging other men. i think i know what his answer might be.
To be honest... I don't think he'd care. He doesn't have the same view on sex that I do. It's just sex to him, it's hard to explain. I can see him wanting to participate in finding someone for me to hook up with (in that situation) rather than saying no.
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post #35 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Well, writing to these forums I have remembered things I had not thought about in many years. My wife used to fake orgasms, back in the '70's of last century. You know, ancient history. That always left a harsh scar, but one of her statements during our fights came back to me the other day. She explained it was like what she called method acting. She explained that some actors will get so deeply involved in a part they essentially become the character. She was doing that.

My wife had many issues. After I learned the problems she had I came to appreciate all she went through for me better than when we were fighting, or when I was crushing her spirit with my anger. Luckily for me, Mary hung in there and kept trying.

After a while Mary was able, with a lot of therapy, to get over some of her issues. Enough so she now enjoys sex quite a bit. Thank God.

But her idea was that she could go on acting all our lives if she needed to. That would work for her. I was the one who refused to let that work. And I have to say she was getting to be an extremely good actress. And, furthermore, what she did for me was done with love.

You may have nerve damage. You may have psychological issues. The nerve damage possibility is just too sad to contemplate, so I prefer to think it is curable via therapy. But maybe as long as what you choose to do is not painful you can become a great actress. In the end life is but a stage, and we are all actors. It just seems to me it should work.

You deserve to be loved. Remember that.
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post #36 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Well, writing to these forums I have remembered things I had not thought about in many years. My wife used to fake orgasms, back in the '70's of last century. You know, ancient history. That always left a harsh scar, but one of her statements during our fights came back to me the other day. She explained it was like what she called method acting. She explained that some actors will get so deeply involved in a part they essentially become the character. She was doing that.

My wife had many issues. After I learned the problems she had I came to appreciate all she went through for me better than when we were fighting, or when I was crushing her spirit with my anger. Luckily for me, Mary hung in there and kept trying.

After a while Mary was able, with a lot of therapy, to get over some of her issues. Enough so she now enjoys sex quite a bit. Thank God.

But her idea was that she could go on acting all our lives if she needed to. That would work for her. I was the one who refused to let that work. And I have to say she was getting to be an extremely good actress. And, furthermore, what she did for me was done with love.

You may have nerve damage. You may have psychological issues. The nerve damage possibility is just too sad to contemplate, so I prefer to think it is curable via therapy. But maybe as long as what you choose to do is not painful you can become a great actress. In the end life is but a stage, and we are all actors. It just seems to me it should work.

You deserve to be loved. Remember that.
The problem is that my husband is not happy with my faking it. He didn't always care, but now he does. I'm not good at faking it, unfortunately. I'm not winning any awards on my performance. The other men I have been with were of the same opinion. My first husband hated it the most. I didn't find anything wrong with faking, I was still enjoying it just not in the way that was perceived. I want whoever I'm with to be happy.

I have been to sex therapy and spent a lot of time there. I tried everything they suggested and things that I didn't think I would ever try. I learned some things that helped, but also learned that there is nothing psychological about it. I wish there were, I feel like that would at least have a starting point and be fixable.
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post #37 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
I think you have a chain of logic here that is basically dysfunctional: I have this sexual issue and I should have known better than to marry a man like him - a player - because he would naturally want to go outside the marriage and I would be stuck.

Instead of following your logic, try something different: Marriage is about 'in sickness and in health, for better or worse, forsaking all others.' He knew that going in, just as you did. The reason you are 'stuck' now is that you know that he is being a dog, but you are still emotionally attached, so you can't bring yourself to confront and make the hard decision. You decide that the pain of staying with him, knowing what he is doing, is less than the pain of leaving your M.

I think the logic you brought to this thread is essentially 'stinkin' thinkin'.' Take a deep breath and try to reevaluate from a more realistic and healthier perspective. This would better inform your next decisions, in my opinion.
I feel like this is my last chance at being with someone. Two kids from two failed marriages from the same problem that isn't going anywhere. I can't keep trying with someone new and have them walk away for the same reason, over and over. I want a marriage and to be happy and give at least one of my kids a proper family.
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post #38 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Originally Posted by Be smart View Post
Sorry you are here my Lady.

You are to hard on yourself. This is not your fault. Your Husband is full of himself. Men like him Cheat no matter what. Even if you are the best Wife,Mother in the World he will Cheat.
You and your Kids deserve a lot better.

I would say you still like sex and enjoy it. You write you like closeness during sex. Well a lot of us like it too,belive it or not .

What about foreplay ? Good sex is not only sticking your P in and out.

Stay strong.
Saying things like men like him cheat regardless or he was going to cheat no matter what I did should make me feel a bit better but I think it makes me feel worse. For choosing him, being stupid enough to marry him. Thinking he would hold up to his word and be different and faithful. Trusting him to be a good husband, father and step-father. Choosing him to be my husband, child's father, child's step father.

I don't hate sex, I do like it in my own way. Before my issues started I enjoyed sex like a normal person. We use to have a lot of foreplay and my husband worked to try and get me to have a good time. I hate saying it because it makes me think of how he became that way, but he is good in the bedroom. He didn't ignore me or rush things, I can tell he knows what he is doing. I still didn't get any pleasure out of it but enjoyed it. That's stopped now, I'm assuming because he's getting it elsewhere....
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post #39 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Why do you place so little value on yourself and blame yourself for his adultery?
If there is a problem, a good H would talk to you and then both of you would go and see a sex therapist and work through it together.
You current problems do not justify him stepping out on you, that is a ****ty thing to do.



Go and see a sex therapist for your issues, it is somewhat unfair to your H if you are not into sex
Come up with a plan to solve this issue you have
Go see a lawyer to see what your rights are
Did you keep the evidence?
Is the OW married (inform her H or BF)
Confront your WH with the evidence and suggest a separation.
Because I feel like if I could give him a good sex life like however other hundred women have then he wouldn't need it elsewhere. I feel like I'd already be competing with lord knows how many women, being "bad" at sex makes it worse. I feel like if he's slept with 100 women I'm probably the worst and of course he'd want to find better. It's true that he knew about my sex problems before we got married, but so did I.

I have been to sex therapy, I went for a long time and tried a lot of different things. I learned some thing that help a bit but nothing that fixed it, being a physical issue. My husband would probably go if I wanted him to, but it seems like a waste of time and money at this point, having already done it all and then some.

I have a screenshot of the texts and her number. I don't know her name or anything else, he had her listed under a fake name (name of a business). One of the 'requirements' that I had before we married was that he had to delete all the ladies (not the word I want to use) numbers from his contact lists. I guess that's a way to hide it...

I don't know how to confront him, I don't like confrontation. I want the best possible outcome and I don't know if that exists...
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post #40 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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Consider the options:

He goes without sex for the rest of his life.

He has sex with a partner who can't enjoy it

He has sex outside of the marriage with her agreement

They divorce.


These options all suck. Which is the least bad depends on the feelings of those involved. I don't blame anyone for how they ended up in this situation, its just a question of what is the best option from where they are now.
I hate all of the options... I know if I offered him an open marriage he'd jump at the opportunity. Then he'd realize that it's hurting me and want to stop, get frustrated about our sex life, be unhappy for a while, then divorce. That's what it feels like, anyway.

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post #41 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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The problem is that my husband is not happy with my faking it. He didn't always care, but now he does. I'm not good at faking it, unfortunately. I'm not winning any awards on my performance. The other men I have been with were of the same opinion. My first husband hated it the most. I didn't find anything wrong with faking, I was still enjoying it just not in the way that was perceived. I want whoever I'm with to be happy.

I have been to sex therapy and spent a lot of time there. I tried everything they suggested and things that I didn't think I would ever try. I learned some things that helped, but also learned that there is nothing psychological about it. I wish there were, I feel like that would at least have a starting point and be fixable.
My wife came out of the other side of the fire I put her through and her problem was psychological. She still has many issues, but she is adequately mended.

I believe if I had discovered her problems were physical I would have accepted her acting. I cannot verify that. Surely there must be someone who could accept. We so sublimely accept the fake scenes we see in the movies, surely we can accept your acting, given lovingly.

Please, be well, somehow.
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post #42 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 08:02 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

You did not cause him to cheat. He got married with knowledge of your condition, and vowed to be faithful. No matter how bad the marriage ended up being, he's still the one breaking a vow. He's still the one destroying the foundation of trust that the marriage should be based upon. His cheating was HIS choice.

That said, you can't stop his affair. That's still his choice.

Frankly, though it's hard, the best thing to do would be to divorce him. He's a liar, you can't trust him, and he's not good marriage material. He's being extremely disrespectful to the woman he vowed to protect and cherish.

Then, once you've recovered your aplomb and life is stable again, take the lessons learned into your next relationship. Engage in a lot of premarital sex until you know you've found someone compatible. Don't get married in a rush again. You may want to consider an open marriage of some form, if you could still be comfortable with that. You and your partner could enjoy all the intimacy you are capable of, and he could still seek whatever else he feels is missing.

Trying to open a relationship that has already had the trust shattered would be a hurtful exercise in futility.
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post #43 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 08:29 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

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I had a 4th degree tear and an episiotomy. My problems are a combination of being in active labour for 4 days, pushing for 4.5 hours, a 10.5lb baby who got stuck, I refused an episiotomy which may or may not have contributed to the tear, when my daughters head came out the cord was wrapped around her neck and the pressure on the cord was affecting her, the doctor did a quick (horribly done) episiotomy that made the nurses shudder, she was basically ripped out of me and her shoulder was stuck to I tore further and my tailbone was fractured. The doctor spent almost 2 hours stitching everything back up, wasn't done well and had to be redone. I had an infection from taking so long to heal, needed another surgery to clean it out and fix the rest of the tear. It took a year to fully heal and stop being in constant pain. Another couple years for the nerve pain to totally stop. The loss of feeling was gradual.

I haven't confronted him because I don't know what to say, or do. I don't want him to admit it and for it to feel more real. I don't want him to leave. A good sex life is lacking for him and if I want him to stay with me he has to get that from somewhere else. I don't know what is worse, sucking it up and dealing with it or going through the exact same thing I went through.
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I hope these links are of use to you, if you might have a case for medical negligence.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #44 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-14-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Ohre, did it ever occur to you that psychologically you chose a player so that when he cheated, it would confirm your poor self image?

We see it here from time to time. People have what appears to be a decent life, then they sabotage it because they lack the self worth to be content. Then, when it all falls apart, they feel like they got what they deserved because they loathe themselves.

Give it some thought.

And FTR, nobody deserves to be cheated upon. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. Please look in the mirror and tell that to yourself before bed and when you first wake up. You have value. You have worth. You even have much sexual worth if you would stop comparing yourself to someone who has not experienced what you have.

Hell...I got rejected by my wife for sex last night, and it has been just over three weeks since we last connected. Tonight isn't looking so hot, either. How often did you reject his advances? It doesn't sound like it was often to me. I would argue that a willing and enthusiastic sexual partner who can't climax beats an unenthusiastic partner that can climax easily. At least you want to connect with him.

Your life immediately begins to get better when you start to love yourself.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #45 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 09:36 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

This is really tough.

Could it work for you to do sexual things for him - because you love him. Not pretending that you physically enjoy it, but just doing it as a "gift" - and in return find something he can do for you so that things don't seem to unbalanced?

In another post you said this felt like your last chance, but I don't think it is. There are men who don't care much about sex - see the posts here form women who's partners never want sex. There are men who would be compatible. I think though that it will always be a struggle with a many with typical or high libido.

I don't think the path you are on now is a good one. If he is turning to cheating to get sex, I don't see that the marriage can last. Bad as they are, either open, or divorce seem like better options.

You can't enjoy normal sex due to nerve damage, but can you enjoy other erotic stimulation? Some women find other things to be erotic, have you explored that?




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I hate all of the options... I know if I offered him an open marriage he'd jump at the opportunity. Then he'd realize that it's hurting me and want to stop, get frustrated about our sex life, be unhappy for a while, then divorce. That's what it feels like, anyway.
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