My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
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My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

We have been married for 3 years. Before we married my husband was a classic man-***** player into his 30's. He had one serious relationship before we met, which lasted 10-12 months. After that he went back to sleeping around for a few months, then wanted to settle down. He was 34 and wanted to settle down, get married, have kids. I think he settled for me because I was the first thing that came along. That is the part of this that is my fault. I knew who he was and what he was when I married him.

Then comes the other issue, our sex life sucks and pretty much always has. And itís my fault. So I took a man who I know has a high emphasis on sex knowing weíd have problems with sex.

I have no feeling ďdown thereĒ, so physically there is nothing enjoyable (or not) about sex. I can barely tell what is going on unless I can feel the pressure. No pleasure, no pain. Certain positions I cannot tell at all whether he is in me or not. I still do it and try to fake it but that isnít something I have ever been good at. He (and every other man Iíve been with) doesnít enjoy it because Iím not enjoying it.

I enjoy having sex because I like the closeness (of certain positions) and I like it feeling good for him. I get the same thing from sex that I would from cuddling, basically. Iím better at oral, because that is all Iíve ever had to work with. Weíve got to the point that where my husband doesnít want to put in effort anymore. Itís not like a lot of effort is needed, my pleasure isnít a factor, just acknowledge my existence. Sex now just makes me feel worthless. Which maybe is to be expected.

It ended my first marriage. Itís ending my second marriage, and it ruined relationships in-between the two marriages. Itís my fault, I shouldnít have been with him in the first place. Or anyone else. I knew that, I was warned about that, I had no business being with any man.

I have wondered about cheating for a long time. I didnít look into it because I didnít want to know. 4 weeks ago my husband left his phone in bed after he woke up and had notifications. He had 3 texts in a row and I looked at his phone, the texts where from another woman saying she missed him and couldnít wait until the weekend. Coincidentally my husband ďwentĒ down to the campgrounds with his friends for the weekend. I sat at home crying all weekend. Now whenever my husband is late coming home, goes out or doesnít text or call me back right away I break down and start crying and hyperventilate. He doesnít know that I know.

I donít think I have any right to stop it. I knew who I was marrying. I knew what I was bringing to the table. He wanted someone to settle down with and I was the first person that would take him. I knew no man would want to be with me and took the first one that would. I feel like now I just have to suck it up and deal with it, or divorce and stop trying to be with someone.

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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:09 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

THIS.

A new twist...not quite a twist.

Rather, a Stitch in the nick of time. In the notch, before time runs out.

A stitch or series of stitches.

Go to a gynecological surgeon. Have him tighten you up down there.

This is [from what I understand} a somewhat common surgery for women after childbirth. By tightening up the vaginal opening you can then feel some of the slimmer Porsche Turbo Chargers on the meat market.

Also, see if it is possible to "readjust" your clitoris closer [down] nearer the vagina. This, so that Mr Penis can bump into it easier. Is this possible, is this an option?...dunno.

On second thought, it seems to me, that sewing closed the vagina only at the bottom will block off this part, forcing the penis up and closer to the Ecstasy Clitland Mall. And tightening it at the same time.

I am an Engineer..I can fix anything....yeah right!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

Last edited by SunCMars; 05-13-2017 at 11:14 AM.
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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:12 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Wow, you are hard on yourself.

Have you been to a doctor about this? What do they say?

Your husband knew about your issues with sex before he married you, right? He made the decision to marry you while knowing exactly what he was getting into.

With men like him, they would cheat on any woman that they are with. It does not matter if his wife likes sex, or is the hottest woman sexually. Some guys are just man-*****s, and like being like that.

You have all the right in the world to demand that your husband stop cheating. If he does not, then you need to move on. You can find a man who has a lower need for sex, maybe you need to look for an asexual man. There are even dating sites for people who are asexual. So find someone who is sexually compatible with you. Marriage always goes a lot better when there is sexual compatibility.

Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. This is how you need to be interacting with your husband until he agrees to end the affair(s) and agrees to work on fixing your marriage. And if he never agrees with that, then leave him.

And please go see a counselor to deal with your low self esteem.
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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

A couple of things to consider.

If you are OK with him finding sex outside of marriage, then talk to him and "open" the marriage. Agree to rules, etc. That way it isn't cheating, but something you both agree with.

Did he know about your lack of enjoyment of sex before you were dating, or did he think you enjoyed it?

Do you know why you get no pleasure from sex? I assume you get none from masturbation or vibrators either? Is it a medical / physical issue? It seems that if you could find a way to fix this, a lot of problems would be solved.

It is certainly not true that "no man would want you". If you read thread here you will find many posts by women who's husbands have basically no interest in sex. Sex is NOT important to all men, but it is very important to many. Maybe you and your husband are just very badly mismatched.

I wish information about sexual mismatches was taught. It a source of a huge amount of misery because people don't understand how important sexual compatibility is to a marriage.
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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

On the affair....

You are not responsible, he dropped the ball.

The bad-medicine ball that was in his pants when they hit the floor of deceit.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 11:21 AM
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Cool Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
THIS.

A new twist...not quite a twist.

Rather, a Stitch in the nick of time. In the notch, before time runs out.

A stitch or series of stitches.

Go to a gynecological surgeon. Have him tighten you up down there.

This is [from what I understand} a somewhat common surgery for women after childbirth. By tightening up the vaginal opening you can then feel some of the slimmer Porsche Turbo Chargers on the meat market.

Also, see if it is possible to "readjust" your clitoris closer [down] nearer the vagina. This, so that Mr Penis can bump into it easier. Is this possible, is this an option?...dunno.

On second thought, it seems to me, that sewing closed the vagina only at the bottom will block off this part, forcing the penis up and closer to the Ecstasy Clitland Mall. And tightening it at the same time.

I am an Engineer..I can fix anything....yeah right!
I have to agree with Sun that your problem seems pretty physiological!

Seriously, you should try to see your GYN about referral to a good GYN surgeon. They can definitely do wonders with helping you reestablish "feelings" down in that region!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

I have seen 8 specialists. I either get told that they don't know, they put a generic term on it or get referred to someone else. I have gone through every test, biopsy, ultrasound, MRI, tried various hormone treatments, medications, creams. Been told it's from low blood sugar, which was ruled out. Been told it was MS, been ruled out. Told it was psychological, ruled out. Tried various exercises, massage, physical therapy, herbal options, a controversial option. I had two surgeries done, one made it worse and one didn't do anything. It is not a tightness issue. It started when I was 22, after I had my first child with my ex-husband. There was a lot of problems and complications during that delivery and things never went back to normal. I had a surgery before my first husband divorced me to try and help, it made it worse.

I didn't tell him right away but my husband knew about it before we married. He thought it'd be fine because I still would have sex with him whenever he wanted. I'm probably boring to him. If I did a 180 like that I don't think we'd have anything left. It's like trying to sabotage our marriage.

I don't want him to get sex outside our marriage, but I don't think there is really much of a choice. Sex is important and I'm not good enough. I was stupid to get married again. I still don't want to lose my husband.
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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Your post broke my heart. To me, the glaring issue isn't your husband, or your Sex life but your lack of self esteem. Man you are so freakin hard on yourself. You deserve love, you deserve respect, you deserve happiness. You will never find this if you don't love yourself. Seriously, you need therapy.

I know someone who has such low self esteem that she doesn't think she is worthy of love so she would actually date and be with men who wouldn't treat her good because she didn't think she deserved to be treated good. And when they treated her bad, she would make excuses about it. She felt like she should be happy with the little she got.

You sound like this to me. You are creating your own personal hell that is going to mess you up and take every scrape of self worth you have left. Don't degrade yourself to a worthless victim.
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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Do you enjoy sex with your husband even if you don't find it physically pleasurable?

Did your husband know before you were in a committed relationship? For some people marriage isn't the dividing line, so much as mutual deep love.

This is a very difficult situation. You should not have sex that you don't enjoy, but he should not have to go the rest of his life without experiencing the joy of sex with a passionate partner. I don't see a good solution.





Quote:
Originally Posted by ohre View Post
I have seen 8 specialists. I either get told that they don't know, they put a generic term on it or get referred to someone else. I have gone through every test, biopsy, ultrasound, MRI, tried various hormone treatments, medications, creams. Been told it's from low blood sugar, which was ruled out. Been told it was MS, been ruled out. Told it was psychological, ruled out. Tried various exercises, massage, physical therapy, herbal options, a controversial option. I had two surgeries done, one made it worse and one didn't do anything. It is not a tightness issue. It started when I was 22, after I had my first child with my ex-husband. There was a lot of problems and complications during that delivery and things never went back to normal. I had a surgery before my first husband divorced me to try and help, it made it worse.

I didn't tell him right away but my husband knew about it before we married. He thought it'd be fine because I still would have sex with him whenever he wanted. I'm probably boring to him. If I did a 180 like that I don't think we'd have anything left. It's like trying to sabotage our marriage.

I don't want him to get sex outside our marriage, but I don't think there is really much of a choice. Sex is important and I'm not good enough. I was stupid to get married again. I still don't want to lose my husband.
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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Why aren't you going to confront him about the affair? It seems you are willing to stay married to him regardless of his affair, lack of love and respect for you.
Why do you want to stay married to someone who cheats on you.

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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 02:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

I was in therapy for 6 years after a doctor decided my lack of sensation was psychological. It was ruled out fairly quickly but I stayed in it. Something that I have no control over and have tried everything to fix, keeps ruining every relationship I've gone into. My husband hasn't otherwise treated me poorly. I don't seek out men to treat me badly.

I enjoy having sex with my husband because I like the intimacy. I like the closeness, skin to skin contact, I like the way he (use to) acts towards me during, I like that it feels good for him. He has been intimate with a lot of women and if we didn't do that I'd feel less than or like tons of women were closer to him than me. That isn't why I have sex with him, I do because of the other reasons I said. It's more why I don't want to stop.

I told my husband about it after we were engaged. He proposed unexpectedly or I think I would have told him before. We didn't really have a serious talk about our future before he proposed.

It feels like history is repeating itself. My ex-husband and I were married for 3 years. When we divorced our daughter was 2. Now with my husband we have been married for 3 years, 2 months shy of the length of my first marriage, and our daughter is 2. I don't want to repeat it all again. I want it to work out this time.
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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Sounds like nerve damage. Did they have to cut on you during the delivery?
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Why don't you confront your husband about the cheating?
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

Sorry you are here, but it is not your fault that he is cheating and it is not something you have to live with.

You need to confront him about this, and stand up for yourself. By you not saying anything you are letting him be in the arms of other women, and with that you will lose him anyway if he falls in love with someone else.



You do matter!
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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 05-13-2017, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is having an affair and I don't think I have the right to stop it

I had a 4th degree tear and an episiotomy. My problems are a combination of being in active labour for 4 days, pushing for 4.5 hours, a 10.5lb baby who got stuck, I refused an episiotomy which may or may not have contributed to the tear, when my daughters head came out the cord was wrapped around her neck and the pressure on the cord was affecting her, the doctor did a quick (horribly done) episiotomy that made the nurses shudder, she was basically ripped out of me and her shoulder was stuck to I tore further and my tailbone was fractured. The doctor spent almost 2 hours stitching everything back up, wasn't done well and had to be redone. I had an infection from taking so long to heal, needed another surgery to clean it out and fix the rest of the tear. It took a year to fully heal and stop being in constant pain. Another couple years for the nerve pain to totally stop. The loss of feeling was gradual.

I haven't confronted him because I don't know what to say, or do. I don't want him to admit it and for it to feel more real. I don't want him to leave. A good sex life is lacking for him and if I want him to stay with me he has to get that from somewhere else. I don't know what is worse, sucking it up and dealing with it or going through the exact same thing I went through.

Last edited by ohre; 05-13-2017 at 03:34 PM.
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