Wife probably sexting.. - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
@JessicaA's advice might make sense if she hadn't cheated before. And believe me, she did cheat. Sexting someone other than your s is cheating. A PA is not the only way to cheat.

Furthermore, you've said she admitted to sexting for the ego kibbles and non-marital, male attention. That is a HUGE red flag. People who are externally motivated - who get their sense of self worth from the attention of others - and go outside marriage for it - and BROKEN people. YOU can't fix that - only they can through IC, very difficult self examination, a level of self awareness most people like this lack, and a miracle change of character, personality and self respect.

So, since we know the true back story (or enough of it) we also have a very good idea what the few outcomes are likely to be. It's human nature and people tend to follow patterns - patterns you can read about on TAM for story after story.

"Spying" in this context is not bad at all; w had proven to have weak boundaries, and you have a right to enforce your own boundaries NOT to be cuckolded.

If she has low self esteem, there is a possibility she's taking selfies and comparing them to girls she sees on the internet to see how she looks. I'll concede there's maybe an 8-12% chance that could be true. Unfortunately, IMO, that means there's an 88-92% it's something very "not good" and frankly I wouldn't need to know what type of bad it is.

So I would put VAR's out, keep the camera rolling, and prime the pump. I'd bring a tripod and video camera into the bedroom and say I think it might be sexy to record ourselves... if it turns out horrible we can delete it together. See what she says. Ask if she's taken any sexy photos already that she can share. See what happens.

If you shake he up she'll go underground but she'll also likely discuss it with her AP if there is one. And that you can catch on the VAR.

It's up to you about confronting - but recognize that being married to someone who seeks attention for self validation is a HUGE risk for infidelity as time goes by. Anytime she doesn't feel she's getting sufficient attention, she's likely to wander. Not my kind of woman TBH


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Pretty sure shes sending this to ex-coworker or was planning to send to me but cancelled. I have a spycam set up with motion detect so only time will tell right now. 😊

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post #62 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Originally Posted by justanotherguy80 View Post
Is see your point about spying and i will have to adress this issue at a later time. If shes up to no good i will probably find some way to "catch her" with something else first. Im not going to confront her with video thats for sure.

If i cant find anything else then will just remove the cam and let it go and see if there is anything in relationship i can work on.

But first i have to find out where her loyalties lie.
honestly, since she went down this road before, YOU don't have a problem (spying isn't a problem when your spouse has cheated in the past), SHE does. You know you need to know the truth, and she isn't going to tell you she started up sexting again, you have to find her to prove it.
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post #63 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:26 AM
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So she was caught sexting a guy 4 years ago and is still in contact with him. Now she's taking naked pictures but hasn't been caught sending them. You say this hasn't gone physical but you really don't have full access to her phone or enforce any real boundaries. I'm afraid there's a lot you don't know here. I'd carefully ratchet up the surveillance and prepare for the worst.
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post #64 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:38 AM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Originally Posted by justanotherguy80 View Post
youre are 100% correct sir.

Im pretty sure they didnt bang (like 90%). Im basing this on the information i have and on her caracter and personality.

They are not coworkers anymore.
This is a women who was sending naked pictures to another man while married, what makes you think she has any character at all? Read any of these posts and it only escalates.

Did she do the work to fix her character. The only way R works is if the person who cheated is strongly motivated to change. Meaning changing their whole outlook on life, their entire nature. Most of the people who have had what is considered a successful R on here have devoted their entire lives to infidelity in some way. Some now see it as their ministry. I believe this is the primary reason why they are successful. That is the kind of effort it takes to change ones nature. If not they all eventually revert back to the same character issues that caused the cheating in the first place. It may not even being in cheating but in some other area of their life and relationship. This is a very difficult truth to many but it is still a truth that is played out time and time again on these threads. Most cheaters cheat because they are broken in some way. This is especially true of repeat offenders. Your mistake was not the app, and not forcing no contact (like that is even possible in today's day and age) your mistake was staying with someone with a large character deficiency and expecting it to change.

Over and over it is proven out on these boards, as it looks like your situation once again proves. The problem is in her nature. That is extremely hard to change and the only person who can do it is a motivated person who has the character flaw. You can stop this again but you will probably be back here dealing with this or some other form of cheating in the future. It's in her nature.

Last edited by sokillme; 05-15-2017 at 11:51 AM.
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post #65 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Originally Posted by JessicaA View Post
Gosh ... I never said it was okay that she was doing it, I said there was likely a reason, marriage doesn't work because a contract was signed, it requires 'work' and communication and attempts to resolve what's going on. The moment you begin spying on someone there's a warning sign in itself, people aren't property, they don't warrant being spied on, if you (any one of us) feel the need to do it then ask yourself why is my point. If you think being righteous by saying 'I know what you did as I've been watching you' will result in the other person saying 'fair enough, let's talk about what I've been doing' then good luck to that ... As surprisingly most people would object to being spied on regardless of what they've done. It wasn't 'girl code' but thanks for the sexist reply to what was an attempt at helping the OP.
If this isn't another reason why R is a bad idea most of the time. Most of us at least understand why it is kind of crappy to spy on your spouse, but we also understand when your spouse is the type to cheat you need to protect yourself. The bottom line is if you need to set up camera's to make sure your spouse isn't abusing you, you are better off without that spouse. Even if they don't because what kind of marriage is that anyway. Sure ain't a healthy one.

Last edited by sokillme; 05-15-2017 at 11:52 AM.
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post #66 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

Reinstalled the spyware on her phone. Most new spyware will capture everything from Snapchat, Skype, WhatsApp......
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post #67 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Reinstalled the spyware on her phone. Most new spyware will capture everything from Snapchat, Skype, WhatsApp......
I have access to everything. Shes never calling the guy or anything. Only snapchat. And that requires rooting. Wich again renders alot of other apps as useless. Like netflix, bank-apps ect. They check this nowadays. 😊
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post #68 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Originally Posted by justanotherguy80 View Post
I have access to everything. Shes never calling the guy or anything. Only snapchat. And that requires rooting. Wich again renders alot of other apps as useless. Like netflix, bank-apps ect. They check this nowadays. 😊
So you got the bedroom cammed up, but if you think it is a co worker, why isn't the car VAR'd up???? So you really believe that she's sending sexy pictures if she is to a co worker, and that they NEVER talk on the phone or communicate in any way but snap chat. ??? Highly unlikely so you better start looking for a burner phone. I assume you know what that is. ???

I'm gonnja keep asking?? Whats the plan. ????
If you uncover nothing, GREAT!!! not betting my 401K on that one

If shes sexting with co worker ( again) does she continue to work there
If shes having sex with him, does she continue to work there
If she's involved with someone outside work , whats the plan then??
And whats the plan if her co workers or friends know.

if any of those not so good things occur, you are going to be buried in most likelihood with tears, claims of love, promises not to do it again, trickle truth, and begging at best. At worst, you will get the reasons why you should go to MC so some genius can tell you to focus on the marriage and what you did wrong.

You also might want to peruse through here and read a thread by a guy named CAM and a bunch of others who were convinced it was only an EA. that might enlighten you.

And please get this silly idea that you should not be snooping on her out of your head. i guess these experts trying to make you feel guilty assume if shes cheating she will gladly tell you it all with no problem. So how on earth do you find out otherwise??? Wait to stumble onto them in bed???
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post #69 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 02:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
So you got the bedroom cammed up, but if you think it is a co worker, why isn't the car VAR'd up???? So you really believe that she's sending sexy pictures if she is to a co worker, and that they NEVER talk on the phone or communicate in any way but snap chat. ??? Highly unlikely so you better start looking for a burner phone. I assume you know what that is. ???

I'm gonnja keep asking?? Whats the plan. ????
If you uncover nothing, GREAT!!! not betting my 401K on that one

If shes sexting with co worker ( again) does she continue to work there
If shes having sex with him, does she continue to work there
If she's involved with someone outside work , whats the plan then??
And whats the plan if her co workers or friends know.

if any of those not so good things occur, you are going to be buried in most likelihood with tears, claims of love, promises not to do it again, trickle truth, and begging at best. At worst, you will get the reasons why you should go to MC so some genius can tell you to focus on the marriage and what you did wrong.

You also might want to peruse through here and read a thread by a guy named CAM and a bunch of others who were convinced it was only an EA. that might enlighten you.

And please get this silly idea that you should not be snooping on her out of your head. i guess these experts trying to make you feel guilty assume if shes cheating she will gladly tell you it all with no problem. So how on earth do you find out otherwise??? Wait to stumble onto them in bed???
I think i made it pretty much clear im going to surveilance this more and act based upon what i find. Its something is going on shes out the door offcourse.

Perhaps my underlying issue is still on how i wil confront. I dont want to give away location of cam. The fact can easially be that shes just sending a sexy pic every now and then just to get some other dudes attention. Even if it is this previous dirtbag. She does has a low self esteem ( even if she dosnt need to).
This is bad enough for my part but do i divorce for this? Instead of working the problem(wich i incidentally have no idea what is at the moment)?

Its tricky.. and taking my steps carefully.

Thanx for the advise. Its good to see people caring this much.
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post #70 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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Originally Posted by justanotherguy80 View Post
I think i made it pretty much clear im going to surveilance this more and act based upon what i find. Its something is going on shes out the door offcourse.

Perhaps my underlying issue is still on how i wil confront. I dont want to give away location of cam. The fact can easially be that shes just sending a sexy pic every now and then just to get some other dudes attention. Even if it is this previous dirtbag. She does has a low self esteem ( even if she dosnt need to).
This is bad enough for my part but do i divorce for this? Instead of working the problem(wich i incidentally have no idea what is at the moment)?

Its tricky.. and taking my steps carefully.

Thanx for the advise. Its good to see people caring this much.
No I guess if she's in only a only affair again you wait until she has a penis in her before considering divorce .

Ifnthe majority here are right you are going to kick yourself in the butt if it's physical or becomes physical while you wait to confront.

No one is telling you to reveal the camera. how
Many times does the camera have to reveal it before you are convinced ???
Guess what . She's still going to deny it . Some do even when you catch them in the act .
And by the way when you pressure someone like demanding a polygraph her reaction will tell you a lot and the first thing she will do is communicate to her boyfriend you are suspiscious . You've been cluelessnthis far . She's good at hiding . Maybe a little pressure will force anstupid mistake ?

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post #71 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

It only has to be revealed once. Then i will take action. I need to be sure first. Nothing wrong with that. Am i wrong all things considered?
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post #72 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

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It only has to be revealed once. Then i will take action. I need to be sure first. Nothing wrong with that. Am i wrong all things considered?
What kind of poses? Did she lose a lot of weight? Maybe she is checking her progress? I could see that.
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post #73 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 03:32 PM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

The thing is, many posters here,with experience, seriously doubt you know everything that happened the last time around.
It's extremely unlikely they were sexting and working together and that's all that happened. If they were in that deep why wouldn't they go all the way. Was his spouse notified?

You broke the golden rule of reconcile which is no contact. Prevailing wisdom is that any contact means the affair continues. I think you have been in false reconciliation the whole time.

Have you had a STD test? Have your kids been DNA tested?

She cheated, she lied, she still keeps him as a friend, she takes more provacative bedroom pictures, she has a notorious cheating app on her phone........your gut was to check the camera......... your probably in the 90% probability rating by now.
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post #74 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

Gus is our resident phone goon. LISTEN TO HIM.

This is chess, not checkers. Be methodical, get ahead of it to get proof one way or another. If she asks why you are acting strange the correct answer is a stomach bug.

DO NOT do some half azzed confrontation without names dates times. It is a sure loss.
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post #75 of 97 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 05:47 PM
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Re: Wife probably sexting..

A VAR is what you need.

You have never said exactly what kind of pics she was taking. I'm curious.

She has Snapchat..... she is taking pics of herself. You do indeed need to find her other phone, or it is someone she sees in person every day and doesn't need to talk to at night.

She has been caught before. She's been in stealth mode for years most likely.
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