I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 356Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 05:55 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 280
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tameka View Post
Knowing what I know about husbands and their cheating wives girl take your ONS to the grave, give it to GOD and do not do it again! Ppl are going to tell yo a bunch of bs but I'm telling you tell no one just don't repeat the mistake! You made a mistake and realized it was horrible so odds are you are done right?! The only thing that will happen is you will relieve your guilt (and feel better) but make him feel lost, betrayed and confused for what? Pray....if you need forgiveness go to God!
This is not cool, OP. The OM knows where you live. What if he wants to make contact? What if he's married and his wife finds out? It could get 10x as nasty. What if you'r pregnant? You'd be under pressure to make your husband raise a kid that's not his.

I'm glad you think your ONS was foul. Don't make it worse.

TAM2013 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:13 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 50
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Since the OM knows where you live, he could easily come back and drop the bomb on your husband.

I'm sure the OM realized you were married? He must have seen pictures and other indicators in your home.

He was a total stranger and you allowed him in your home. That surprises me more than your ONS. He could have killed you.

I'm very suspicious that you met him that night. Or, you were amazingly inebriated. Did he drive you both to your home? If so, you had enough sense to direct him there.

Just too many fishy things that are being left out.

That is a good question.What happens if the OM does come back for more?What if he threatens to lie and exaggerate to her husband?
Kerf is offline  
post #48 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:29 AM
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,792
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by ufwm View Post
I know.... I want to burn our mattress. Really tempted to go out and buy a new one but that doesn't erase man's existence from our home, out bedroom, from me... I threw out the sheets. I haven't slept in our bed since last sleeping in it.... with the man I had a one night stand with. I barely remember how I let it happen. I do but I don't. It doesn't matter because I did let it happen and chose to take him to my home. I didn't find a condom or empty wrapper, and the guy was gone by the time I woke up. I really hope we did.... I found an unused condom in between the mattress and bed frame that I know wasn't ours because my husband and I have never used them. I have been tearing the house apart trying to find anything else... I don't want my husband to.... that'd be even worse...
Are you sure you actually had sex with him (intercourse)?

I mean, not that it makes it much better, but you know.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
alexm is offline  
 
post #49 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 35
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

I would agree that if you truly are remorseful and you will never do it again then you shouldn't say anything however since it was in your bed that you share with your husband you have to tell him.

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk
xxxSHxYZxxx is offline  
post #50 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Hudson Valley, New York State
Posts: 568
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Let me say ufwm, when I questioned, interrogated, my wife is when the really bad things started for us. My wife lies. It turns out she just lies, any time she is under pressure she lies. It was the lies that made it worse, and worse, and worse.

After a year I probably would have been happy to see her burned at the stake. The lies were killing me, they were killing us.

Do not lie to your husband. Do not withhold. Do not plan to keep anything from your husband. One hesitation and he will hate you for months, if not just walk out. When I was interrogating my wife when she hesitated I felt like forcing answers out of her, and I had to leave. I felt like leaving forever. The lies were the worst thing about it all.

I advise you to make no plans to withhold anything. When people say oh don't tell your husband this or that, ignore them. Be completely honest and open.

My wife is an extremely special case, and I did learn to live with her after the fire, but the fire was hot. The fire nearly consumed everything. If the fire had been much hotter it could have killed us. There was a time her lies made me feel there was no hope. Every time she hesitated it fed the flames. Every time I discovered she had left something out the flames roared ever higher.

You can see terms constantly like "trickle truth" and "lies by omission" to see the opinions on issues like this. I am certainly far from alone in seeing these are huge problems. Truly huge problems in trying to Reconcile. Do not commit these sins on top of the one you have already committed.

I suggest you do not try to think before you answer anything. Do not hesitate for an instant about anything.

Complete transparency is your only hope. That's what I think, as a man who has lived through this, just as your husband must.
WilliamM is online now  
post #51 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:42 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,137
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

I definitely think you should tell him, OP. Who wants or could even bear having that on their conscience?

And if he truly loves you, he will not just walk out, no questions asked. He may decide the marriage cannot continue, and you would be wise to simply respect his decision.

But a mature man who loves you is going to consider all possible factors, not just the fact of your infidelity.

You mention you were curious about being with another man. Was your husband your first?

Again, that is something a mature man who wants to build a life with you is going to consider. We do not live in a time anymore when most people marry after only being with one person.

I am not promoting promiscuity, btw. Far from it. But a certain level of curiosity is not exactly hard to imagine.

And hanging out in bars without your husband was not wise, especially when your girlfriends left.

You did something very risky and quite frankly, very foolish, OP. It sounds like you realize that.

Just coming to terms with that in yourself is going to be enough work. Let your husband have his own reaction, and come to his own decision.

Please do not try to control it in any way by begging him to stay. If he needs to go, please, for your own sake, just let him.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #52 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 06:52 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,515
Cool Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

I'm sorry, but a confession, per se, is usually going to include the elements of how, who, what, where, when, and why!

Who was the OM? Do you both know him? Do you work with him? Is he a family member? Until there's details, how can we logically conclude that a "crime" has been committed?

To assist in helping you with your problem, I would think that my TAM cohorts would need access to all of that info! A counselor definitely would!

And your husband definitely has the unequivocal and the unfettered right to know!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is online now  
post #53 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:09 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 280
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
I definitely think you should tell him, OP. Who wants or could even bear having that on their conscience?

And if he truly loves you, he will not just walk out, no questions asked. He may decide the marriage cannot continue, and you would be wise to simply respect his decision.

But a mature man who loves you is going to consider all possible factors, not just the fact of your infidelity.

You mention you were curious about being with another man. Was your husband your first?

Again, that is something a mature man who wants to build a life with you is going to consider. We do not live in a time anymore when most people marry after only being with one person.

I am not promoting promiscuity, btw. Far from it. But a certain level of curiosity is not exactly hard to imagine.

And hanging out in bars without your husband was not wise, especially when your girlfriends left.

You did something very risky and quite frankly, very foolish, OP. It sounds like you realize that.

Just coming to terms with that in yourself is going to be enough work. Let your husband have his own reaction, and come to his own decision.

Please do not try to control it in any way by begging him to stay. If he needs to go, please, for your own sake, just let him.
Again, more digs at victims. Good job he's not here to see it. Next we'll hear "If he divorces you, good riddance. You deserve better."

No kids involved. Has it ever occurred to the victim shamers that a mature man would walk instantly? A real man would have the options to start again? A confident man would be the one demanding better? And only someone desperate with no other options or an ageing player with more to hide would stick around?
TAM2013 is offline  
post #54 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:14 AM
Member
 
alexm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,792
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by straightshooter View Post
UFWM,

Go back and read your posts young lady. You state that you never intended for this to happen but answer another poster in that "you were curious to see what it would be like to be with another man". That is why I asked you if you were being truthful with yourself. Yeah, you may have gotten drunk to reduce your inhibitions but it seems like you purposely stayed in that bar to fulfill your desire to have sex with another man before you got drunk.

That is why I said you need to be truthful to yourself and not tell your husband you fell victim to some super predator.. If you lie it will not ease your guilt.

And by the way, those that tell you it is more than likely to happen again if you do not confess are correct. It means you will have gotten away with it.
Great post ^

I think OP is having remorse, not just over the fact that she did it, but that it was 'planned' a little more than she's making out - and that's no offense to her.

It's easy to blame it on having a few drinks, but that tends to only lower inhibitions and results in people doing something they want to do in the first place, but don't necessarily have the courage to do while sober.

Again, I mean no offense to the OP specifically, but this type of personality is the most dangerous to a marriage, IMO. The one in which a scenario such as this isn't "planned", per se, but it's very much there in the first place. And the end result is "I didn't mean to".

Look - husband's out of town, OP is lonely and bored. She goes out with girlfriends. All that is okay, and perfectly normal. BUT... sticking around, by herself, after her friends have left? For what reason?

People go to (or stay at) bars alone for two reasons - to be social and/or to get laid.

IMO, this was on purpose. That wasn't because she just wasn't ready to go home. Whether one likes it or not, a person (not just a woman) in a bar/pub, alone, is sending out the message that they're there for a reason. We all know this.

And OP was approached, offered a drink, and accepted. This really isn't "one thing led to another". She may not have expected, or hoped for, this to happen, but she was obviously already open to the idea.

If (a huge IF) I were ever in a bar by myself, and was approached by a woman, there's no way in hell I'd engage her unless I was looking for an ego boost. Which I wouldn't be. And if she offered me a drink? Good lord, no. That literally means one thing, and one thing only. And it's not "you look interesting, and I would like to be friends with you".

It may not have been a plan, but it certainly wasn't avoided.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."

Last edited by alexm; 05-16-2017 at 07:19 AM.
alexm is offline  
post #55 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:25 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: In the fort behind the sofa
Posts: 5,250
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

You did it in your marital bed. Another layer of pain for your H.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
Malaise is offline  
post #56 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 79
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
It sounds like you have no choice but to tell him. It will eat you up if you don't.

I would not be so sure he will divorce you. I know he said infidelity is a deal breaker, but, in my mind at least, there is a difference between having bad boundaries and doing something horribly regrettable one drunken night, feeling immediate, horrible remorse, confessing and doing all you can to make it right -- and deliberately, sneaking around behind your spouse's back, lying to him repeatedly.

No matter how hard he takes the news, just remember it takes some time to actually get a divorce and his perspective will probably change during that time. I would get and read the book "Surviving an Affair" ASAP. If your husband is willing to stay with you that book has steps to take to make sure you are never even in a situation like that again.

I am really sorry for you. You are learning a lesson the hard way. Yes, you are the type of person who let this happen. But clearly you are not "that" type of person truly or you would not feel such shame and need to tell your husband. I've never cheated on anyone, but occasionally I have these horrible nightmares where the dream starts right after I had sex with someone that I didn't even like/want that much. Then I suddenly remember I'm married and here I am laying in this person's bed. And I'm thinking "What have I done? OMG What have I done?" It's the worst feeling and I am so relieved to wake up. I wish you could wake up from this, but you are going to just have to own it. I have a feeling it's an action you'll never repeat and if your husband sees how genuinely sick and sorry you are about this, that may help him know you hate what you did and never want to repeat it.

How long is he in the Dominican, BTW?
I know that I have to tell him. I'm scared that he will start up the divorce process, we separate and he'll find someone new that won't cheat on him.... That's probably not hard to find. A cheater can't compare with someone who hasn't cheated and won't cheat. I'll read that book, though....

I don't think anyone should be sorry for me.... I did this to myself....

He's in the Dominican until Thursday.
ufwm is offline  
post #57 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:59 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,620
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by ufwm View Post
I can't do that to him... He deserves to know what I did and be with someone who would respect him more.... I couldn't pretend everything is fine for the rest of my life while he lives in the unknown.... I don't want to hurt him by telling him but I know I have to tell him....
Well, it is either take it to the grave or take it to Divorce Court.

Pick one!

Your man is going to do these things:

a) Yell, moan and scream. Call you names. Maybe not immediately, but this is coming.
b) Leave you
c) Have an affair of his own...or many thereafter.
d) Never look at you the same, again. Never. You will always be tainted in his mind. He will stop doing the small nice things that he did before.
e) He will have terrible mind movies of you and your cheater pal, locked in each other's arms.
f) He will be checking up on your every move. Wanting to know where you have been, with who and how long.
g) He will be worried later that you may have contracted some disease and will give it to him.
10) He may eventually not want any sex with you.

All of this or part of this is coming if you tell him.

My opinion? I think you will lose him. If not today, next month or two.

What are the chances that he will find out later, from somebody else, something else? This must affect your decision.

If you can keep your legs together [with other men] for the rest of your life, I would go with silence.

Mine is a minority opinion. And, yes, if I were your husband I would definitely want to know. And I would leave you, immediately.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
post #58 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 79
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by breadfruit View Post
UfWM I think a very crucial part for your husband is when he begins to ask you questions in order to put the pieces/puzzle together in his mind. He is going to be very analytical and everything you say or not say will mean something to him. One issue that will come up is "if you were so drunk" how were you able to drive him or lead him back to your house. It seems pretty intentional that if it was a drunken ONS that you would take a stranger back to the marital residence and in your marital bed, and to say you don't really remember what really happened or how it happened will make him rather suspicious and accuse you of lying. My point is you will or have might have some difficulty explaining or answering his questions, which will be rapid and many. Answers such as "I don't know or I don't remember" can be disastrous in these situations. So I'd advise to be as forthcoming and truthful as you possibly can be. Forget about trying to protect him- that's a misnomer I see used by wayward spouses and it creates far more bad than good. You are making the correct choice to tell him, and IMO one of the main reasons why I believe it is the right thing is that this happened in the marital home and bed. There is no way to keep this from him and not suffer mentally, emotionally and physically from such a guilt. I am sure it would seriously affect your intimacy with your husband as well knowing you slept with another man in the bed you both call the marital bed and he has no idea that you slept with another man in the bed you both have shared, making love, shared your secrets, joys, fears and in which you are trying to conceive your first child. It will make a difference if you tell him sooner than later. I have always held the opinion that it is never just the two people that know that they cheated; Someone else always saw something, they just minded their own business. Bottom line it's never a secret.
I get nervous when I'm being questioned and often can't think of what I want or need to say, say something stupid or just inaccurate or mumble. It would be easy for me to say the wrong thing because I just try and spit something out. He's going to be mad and hurt and a million other things and I'm probably going to suck at telling him what he wants to know.... If he even sticks around long enough to ask questions.

I wish it didn't happen in our bed... If it had to happen (and it didn't) I wish it could have been anywhere else.
ufwm is offline  
post #59 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 08:04 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: central US, not unicorn fantasy land
Posts: 1,296
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Before he comes home, write out what happened so that you can give him the information in writing.


Think about some of the questions he will ask and answer the questions.

What is his name?

Was he better looking than me? Was he bigger?

why did you not leave with your friends?

what was so valuable to him( your H), you gave away for selfish lust.

You were curious? did you talk to him about this before you acted?

why this OM?

Doing this in your home and in your bed shows anger and resentment with your H.

Do you work? Do you have your own separate money? Buy a plan at affairs recovery.com.


Your OM has already bragged to his friends about you and how easy you were.

If he sees you again, he will point you out for his friends.

I do think he will come back to your house. Did he take any items from your house like your nightie?
harrybrown is offline  
post #60 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 08:11 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,137
Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by ufwm View Post
I get nervous when I'm being questioned and often can't think of what I want or need to say, say something stupid or just inaccurate or mumble. It would be easy for me to say the wrong thing because I just try and spit something out. He's going to be mad and hurt and a million other things and I'm probably going to suck at telling him what he wants to know.... If he even sticks around long enough to ask questions.

I wish it didn't happen in our bed... If it had to happen (and it didn't) I wish it could have been anywhere else.
Write him a letter. That will give you time to think about what you want to say.

But OP, please let go of the outcome. If he chooses to leave, please just let him go.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome