I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 10:20 PM Thread Starter
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I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted. And I ruined it....

I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him or what to do. I don't know what to say because what happened still isn't very clear. I don't want to lose my husband, but I know I'm going to. I don't deserve him. He has never been unfaithful to me. He's an amazing husband that any woman would be lucky to have. Friends thought we had a perfect marriage, and I just blew it up.

My husband isn't home right now. He is in the Dominican with his friends. All day I just sit at home, cry and feel disgusted with myself. This isn't the type of person I am. Or thought I was.... I guess I am.... Before this I have never been unfaithful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever do something like this. I have never been a promiscuous person, but that night I was. I wish I could take it back, or better yet, I wish it never happened. It wasn't worth it, nothing could ever make it worth the cost of my marriage and my husband's pain.

I am so scared for when he comes home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to forget that it happened and be happy. My husband doesn't know right now and I don't know how to tell him and minimize the pain that I caused him. I don't want to lose him. I don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye and tell him what I did, then watch him walk away.

We recently decided to take the next step in our marriage and we were so happy about that. All of our hopes and plans are ruined, because of me. Everything that we built is ruined. I don't understand how some people can be unfaithful to their spouse over and over. I did it once and it is killing me.

This is really hard to write.... I'm scared to read the replies.... I don't want to be told how terrible of a person I am, I know.... I just want to be with my husband, in his arms but he isn't here and when he does get here he isn't going to want to be anywhere near me.

What do I do....

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post #2 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 10:27 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

You don't say much about the event but I suspect there was a relationship that lead up to this right? Someone didn't just show up on your doorstep. How long was the EA going on before you carried it into sex? Or was this the drunk at a bar variety?

Well either way you have to tell him and see what he wants.

Some decisions in life have life long implications this is one of them. You have no idea yet. Even if you don't tell him, you are right, this was not who you were, but it is who you are now, you will know that. Next you have to decided if you also a person who hides it until eventually one day he will find out. At least if you come clean you stop the damage, not only to him but to yourself.

Do you have kids? If not don't until this is worked through. If it is.

I am very sad for you, and more so for your husband.

Last edited by sokillme; 05-15-2017 at 10:31 PM.
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post #3 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 10:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

"How long was the EA going on before you carried it into sex? Or was this the drunk at a bar variety?"

The latter...

I know that he isn't going to want to stay with me when I tell him. Why should he.... I couldn't hide it from him.... He deserves better than that. As if I'm any person to decide that now.... We don't have any kids yet. We've been trying but no not yet.
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post #4 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Well, you it once, what is to stop you from doing it again if you don't nip this in the bud by coming clean?

What exactly happened to lead you astray? There is always a reason for cheating. What was your reason? Hey are you so sure he will not forgive you? Most spouses do want to forgive, but you are going to carry most of the weight of repairing the marriage if he accepts to give you another chance. It will not be easy nor a sure thing that he will be able to heal and you both make a new marriage stronger, but are you willing to carry the majority of that weight?

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #5 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 10:44 PM
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Originally Posted by ufwm View Post
I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted. And I ruined it....

I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him or what to do. I don't know what to say because what happened still isn't very clear. I don't want to lose my husband, but I know I'm going to. I don't deserve him. He has never been unfaithful to me. He's an amazing husband that any woman would be lucky to have. Friends thought we had a perfect marriage, and I just blew it up.

My husband isn't home right now. He is in the Dominican with his friends. All day I just sit at home, cry and feel disgusted with myself. This isn't the type of person I am. Or thought I was.... I guess I am.... Before this I have never been unfaithful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever do something like this. I have never been a promiscuous person, but that night I was. I wish I could take it back, or better yet, I wish it never happened. It wasn't worth it, nothing could ever make it worth the cost of my marriage and my husband's pain.

I am so scared for when he comes home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to forget that it happened and be happy. My husband doesn't know right now and I don't know how to tell him and minimize the pain that I caused him. I don't want to lose him. I don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye and tell him what I did, then watch him walk away.

We recently decided to take the next step in our marriage and we were so happy about that. All of our hopes and plans are ruined, because of me. Everything that we built is ruined. I don't understand how some people can be unfaithful to their spouse over and over. I did it once and it is killing me.

This is really hard to write.... I'm scared to read the replies.... I don't want to be told how terrible of a person I am, I know.... I just want to be with my husband, in his arms but he isn't here and when he does get here he isn't going to want to be anywhere near me.

What do I do....
Knowing what I know about husbands and their cheating wives girl take your ONS to the grave, give it to GOD and do not do it again! Ppl are going to tell yo a bunch of bs but I'm telling you tell no one just don't repeat the mistake! You made a mistake and realized it was horrible so odds are you are done right?! The only thing that will happen is you will relieve your guilt (and feel better) but make him feel lost, betrayed and confused for what? Pray....if you need forgiveness go to God!
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post #6 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:01 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

You must tell him.

In 1978 my wife screwed up and let a relative of mine who arrived at our door have sex with her. It thrilled her to be sought out, it excited her to have someone want her, it was naughty, and naughty does really excite her. That's the way she is.

But it crushed her.

She told me as soon as I got home from work. If you do not tell your husband there is not a snowball's chance in hell you will save your marriage.

The other guys marriage exploded, and they got divorced. He was not the one to tell his wife.

My wife cried, she pleaded, she begged, she crawled, literally. She swore the moon to me. All hell broke loose before the dust settled. Yes, I exacted my own brand of crazy revenge, even.

There is no telling how your husband will respond. What he may demand of you. I demanded sex morning and night, for years. I told her to find me a woman to have sex with. She failed, but it made her cry even more. That pleased me.

I, myself, didn't even care that much about the sex, but the lies. That hurt. Wasn't sex with me exiting enough? No man could measure up to me, so what the hell was she thinking!

Mary grovelled for two years, and with the help of her psychiatrist I was able to forgive her, mostly. She has worked hard to make sure she never slips up again, and I work hard to keep her in line.

I will say I think someone so ashamed, who knows so much the wrong it is, might well be less inclined to do it again. I think of it as someone who has burned their hand is less likely to put their hand in the fire again.

Mary said why she couldn't say no. She never tried to say it was missing with me. I inferred that. You must never say it was your husbands fault in any way. Always be sorry. Do not loose your sorrow.

Last edited by WilliamM; 05-15-2017 at 11:06 PM.
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post #7 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
Well, you it once, what is to stop you from doing it again if you don't nip this in the bud by coming clean?

What exactly happened to lead you astray? There is always a reason for cheating. What was your reason? Hey are you so sure he will not forgive you? Most spouses do want to forgive, but you are going to carry most of the weight of repairing the marriage if he accepts to give you another chance. It will not be easy nor a sure thing that he will be able to heal and you both make a new marriage stronger, but are you willing to carry the majority of that weight?
I'm not going to do it again.... I don't know how anyone could feel like this and do it again. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't want to hurt my husband further. I'm going to tell my husband.... I don't know how or when.... Do I wait until he comes home, or ruin his trip.... At least right now he's having fun....

I didn't know the guy.... I didn't plan on it. I almost never drink. I didn't plan on drinking. He approached me and I didn't tell him to go away. The way he talked made me feel comfortable and I said more than I should have. I liked the attention because it was lacking a little bit from my husband after we had been trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening as fast as we hoped. I liked the attention... That was too far, and I let it go further. It seems like it would have been better if it was an emotional affair first and I threw away my marriage for something seemingly real, but I threw it away for no one, for nothing.

He could have a wife that would never cheat on him. He shouldn't want me when he can have someone else. He has more self-respect than that. I'd do anything to stay married and be happy again, but I don't know how that will be possible.
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post #8 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:03 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

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I love my husband. I have been happy with him and I wanted to spend my life with him. I still do. All of my happiest memories are with him and I don't want those to stop. He's everything that I have ever wanted. And I ruined it....

I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to tell him or what to do. I don't know what to say because what happened still isn't very clear. I don't want to lose my husband, but I know I'm going to. I don't deserve him. He has never been unfaithful to me. He's an amazing husband that any woman would be lucky to have. Friends thought we had a perfect marriage, and I just blew it up.

My husband isn't home right now. He is in the Dominican with his friends. All day I just sit at home, cry and feel disgusted with myself. This isn't the type of person I am. Or thought I was.... I guess I am.... Before this I have never been unfaithful. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could ever do something like this. I have never been a promiscuous person, but that night I was. I wish I could take it back, or better yet, I wish it never happened. It wasn't worth it, nothing could ever make it worth the cost of my marriage and my husband's pain.

I am so scared for when he comes home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to forget that it happened and be happy. My husband doesn't know right now and I don't know how to tell him and minimize the pain that I caused him. I don't want to lose him. I don't know how I'm going to look him in the eye and tell him what I did, then watch him walk away.

We recently decided to take the next step in our marriage and we were so happy about that. All of our hopes and plans are ruined, because of me. Everything that we built is ruined. I don't understand how some people can be unfaithful to their spouse over and over. I did it once and it is killing me.

This is really hard to write.... I'm scared to read the replies.... I don't want to be told how terrible of a person I am, I know.... I just want to be with my husband, in his arms but he isn't here and when he does get here he isn't going to want to be anywhere near me.

What do I do....
UFWM,

OK, lets start out with what I consider the poor advice that you should take this to your grave. It's obvious you are feeling very bad, and let me tell you, if you sit on this and not tell him, and then he either finds out later or you tell him down the road, it will be worse because he will then wonder how many times it happened other than once.

Second, it appears that this probably happened at a GNO or party with other people around. If that is the case, and your husband knows these people who know or suspect what you have done,m then that will add to his feeling of emasculation when and if he finds out.

Sounds like yours is a perfect example why books like :"Not Jus Friends" , which you may want to read, say that after the workplace, these BNO and GNO and separate vacations are the next most prevalent beginnings of infidelity. You are just like 95% of any other women who cheat at a bar or GNO in that very very few even think it is a possibility. Then mix some alcohol with a bunch of girlfriends acting like they are on Spring Brerak with a guy you get attracted to and this is where you are at.

If this happened with a co worker, you really have a bigger problem. So I hope that is not the case.

Now here is the good news. The majority of men DO NOT leave and divorce over the first incidence of infidelity. As a matter of fact, women initiate almost 70% of divorces in this country (US), so you can survive this. If you decide to do the right thing and confess, do NOT call it a mistake. A mistake is forgetting Tide at the grocery store. Drunk or not, taking off your clothes and getting in a bed with another man is a decision and you need to own that.

No one can predict the future or what he will do or if guilt will eat you alive. You have to decide that one. But if you do not confess, I suggest you better have a talk with anyone else who knows Andy not go out partying with them any more. If they encouraged you, they are not your friends.
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post #9 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

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Knowing what I know about husbands and their cheating wives girl take your ONS to the grave, give it to GOD and do not do it again! Ppl are going to tell yo a bunch of bs but I'm telling you tell no one just don't repeat the mistake! You made a mistake and realized it was horrible so odds are you are done right?! The only thing that will happen is you will relieve your guilt (and feel better) but make him feel lost, betrayed and confused for what? Pray....if you need forgiveness go to God!
I can't do that to him... He deserves to know what I did and be with someone who would respect him more.... I couldn't pretend everything is fine for the rest of my life while he lives in the unknown.... I don't want to hurt him by telling him but I know I have to tell him....
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post #10 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:18 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

I second take it to your grave. This means you cannot tell a living soul. Everyone has done something in their life at least once that they must do this with. I've done horrible things and not a single person but me knows. Everyone screws up. If you really love him and don't want to lose him, don't tell him. You will crush him and kill his soul if you tell him. The positives for not telling him outweigh the negatives in your case. Learn from your mistake and don't repeat.

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post #11 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:22 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

I say I put Mary through two years of fire. After she came out of it, we found happiness.

We are happy. I am glad we are still married. I deserve any woman I could want. I am certainly egotistical enough to believe that. I had many women chasing me when I choose Mary.

I am very glad I kept her. We have done a ton of wild and crazy since then, yes. But I almost got rid of her. It would have destroyed my life to have gotten rid of her.

Just make sure you never, not ever, loose your sorrow over what you did. Let him cheer you. Do not ever give him a chance to think you have forgotten.
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post #12 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

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You must tell him.

In 1978 my wife screwed up and let a relative of mine who arrived at our door have sex with her. It thrilled her to be sought out, it excited her to have someone want her, it was naughty, and naughty does really excite her. That's the way she is.

But it crushed her.

She told me as soon as I got home from work. If you do not tell your husband there is not a snowball's chance in hell you will save your marriage.

The other guys marriage exploded, and they got divorced. He was not the one to tell his wife.

My wife cried, she pleaded, she begged, she crawled, literally. She swore the moon to me. All hell broke loose before the dust settled. Yes, I exacted my own brand of crazy revenge, even.

There is no telling how your husband will respond. What he may demand of you. I demanded sex morning and night, for years. I told her to find me a woman to have sex with. She failed, but it made her cry even more. That pleased me.

I, myself, didn't even care that much about the sex, but the lies. That hurt. Wasn't sex with me exiting enough? No man could measure up to me, so what the hell was she thinking!

Mary grovelled for two years, and with the help of her psychiatrist I was able to forgive her, mostly. She has worked hard to make sure she never slips up again, and I work hard to keep her in line.

I will say I think someone so ashamed, who knows so much the wrong it is, might well be less inclined to do it again. I think of it as someone who has burned their hand is less likely to put their hand in the fire again.

Mary said why she couldn't say no. She never tried to say it was missing with me. I inferred that. You must never say it was your husbands fault in any way. Always be sorry. Do not loose your sorrow.
I liked the attention and having someone interested in me, and I let it go too far.... It was too far when I let him sit next to me and buy me a drink, but I took it further. I don't know when to tell him.... I don't want it to be worse because I waited until he was home, but I don't want to tell him when we can't really talk about it and he might never come home other than to take his things. I don't want him to find out from someone else, though no one else knows.

I would do anything that my husband wanted if it meant he would try and forgive me.... I don't know how I'd ever be able to sleep in our bed again knowing I let another man into it. I wish I could burn the house down and destroy everything that reminds me of what I did.

It's my fault, not his. I would never blame him....
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post #13 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:36 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Counselors/therapist are divided about 50/50 on whether or not someone should reveal infidelity to their spouse.

Those who say no, say that you do not reveal and instead make up to your spouse for the rest of your life by being the best wife you can be.

Those who say yes, say that a marriage requires 100% honesty and disclosure.

I have been cheated on in the past. In some ways I wish that I never knew. The pain is horrific. It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from infidelity. A fair number of marriages do recover, about 75% or so. And some become better if the couple works together to fix things.

In the end you have to decide this. And then once you tell him. He will decide whether he stays in the marriage or not.

It's a tough decision.
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post #14 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:37 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Oh, and you need to get tested for STDs
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post #15 of 295 (permalink) Old 05-15-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: I cheated on my husband and I don't know what to do

Ok UF, you ain't being forthcoming about how you got yourself into this predicament. You willingly went to a place ripe for people wanting to touch one another. You allow a man to approach you and seduce you. By your own admission, you said more than you should have. You, milady, allowed it and played the game only to be sorry after the fact. No doubt in my mind you were dressed in a seductive manner. Now tell us why you were out and about. We know it wasn't an accident that "just happened" Sounds to me like you were already primed for a little flirting with other guys. Could it be because your husband is somewhere else having a good time. Be honest and put your cards on the table. You husband is not going to believe, "I didn't know the gun was loaded" excuse either. Take my word for it.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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