I am struggling and need help - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:14 AM Thread Starter
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I am struggling and need help

Hello everyone, I am new here but I have been looking at some of these threads for a while. There is a lot of passionate, thoughtful advice coming from so many of you and it's lovely to see so much support for each other. In saying that, I am hoping to find some advice for my current state.

I am 30. My fiancée is 50, and we have two beautiful children together. We have been together since I was 18 with a small break around the time that I was 20. I would say we have a good relationship. We work well as a team and we have very similar views on life and what matters to us both.

The problems are with me. 3 years ago I found a very basic online chat site that connects you with other strangers. At the time, I thought it would be a bit of fun (I was feeling quite isolated where we lived, and was very busy with child duties) I thought it would be a nice way to have conversations with people without having to invest too much time or effort. Obviously, I was silly because (of course) I found someone I enjoyed talking to and started to talk regularly with him. I did not keep this a secret from my fiancée as he is usually quite accepting and open minded. But I found myself handling the situation poorly and the whole thing escalated and I felt like I completely lost control. The EA ended and I felt like an emotional wreck.

My fiancée and I had a lot of healing that needed to be done after the incident but we got there and I feel like our relationship is back in that safe cosy zone.

The problem is, is that I cannot stop myself from fantasising about other people. I dream about doing something again. I even emailed the old EA flame just to see how they were but then cursed myself for being so stupid and cut the contact once more.

I feel like the relationship with my fiancée is very practical and we are definitely the best of friends. Passion is seriously lacking though, but it has been 12 years. Is it normal to feel complacent? I do know him and the children mean the world to me. I want to be truly happy, but I am starting to feel like I am starving for something I don't even understand and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know the ins and outs of long term partnership success but I just wish it felt more fullfilling.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have no one that could understand or empathise in my life.

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 05:52 AM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

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Originally Posted by on_the_verge View Post
Hello everyone, I am new here but I have been looking at some of these threads for a while. There is a lot of passionate, thoughtful advice coming from so many of you and it's lovely to see so much support for each other. In saying that, I am hoping to find some advice for my current state.

I am 30. My fiancée is 50, and we have two beautiful children together. We have been together since I was 18 with a small break around the time that I was 20. I would say we have a good relationship. We work well as a team and we have very similar views on life and what matters to us both.

The problems are with me. 3 years ago I found a very basic online chat site that connects you with other strangers. At the time, I thought it would be a bit of fun (I was feeling quite isolated where we lived, and was very busy with child duties) I thought it would be a nice way to have conversations with people without having to invest too much time or effort. Obviously, I was silly because (of course) I found someone I enjoyed talking to and started to talk regularly with him. I did not keep this a secret from my fiancée as he is usually quite accepting and open minded. But I found myself handling the situation poorly and the whole thing escalated and I felt like I completely lost control. The EA ended and I felt like an emotional wreck.

My fiancée and I had a lot of healing that needed to be done after the incident but we got there and I feel like our relationship is back in that safe cosy zone.

The problem is, is that I cannot stop myself from fantasising about other people. I dream about doing something again. I even emailed the old EA flame just to see how they were but then cursed myself for being so stupid and cut the contact once more.

I feel like the relationship with my fiancée is very practical and we are definitely the best of friends. Passion is seriously lacking though, but it has been 12 years. Is it normal to feel complacent? I do know him and the children mean the world to me. I want to be truly happy, but I am starting to feel like I am starving for something I don't even understand and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know the ins and outs of long term partnership success but I just wish it felt more fullfilling.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have no one that could understand or empathise in my life.

Hi @on_the_verge

Thanks for your post and honesty.

In terms of your situation, it's actually very common - that being, couples who have been together for a long time end up up losing the passion and fall into the friends/room mates category, rather than lovers.

Another thing that is also common is that couples fail to regularly put the effort in and 'feed' the relationship where it continues to grow. It doesn't matter how attractive or kind the partners are - if nothing is invested into the relationship, it's unlikely to grow and then things begin to stagnate.

Despite all this, i'm curious of a couple of things.
1) Are you still attracted to him at all? Personally it sounds like that has been lost but i'm interested in your thoughts.
2) Have either of you made much of an effort in the recent past to help create more passion?


Thanks
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:04 AM Thread Starter
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Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I'm still learning how to navigate this site!

In regards to your questions, well I'm really not sure. I feel very comfortable with him and I love to show him affection with hugs and kisses. I also enjoy pleasing him in bed. But I do not really feel like pouncing on him.

And the other one, we have tried in the past to inject some spice but I found that we were doing more his little kinks and they weren't really my thing. But I didn't bring any thing to the beds onto speak because I don't really know what I want
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:04 AM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

I'm a little curious.
Why is he only your fiance?
You have known him since 18, you're now 30, and have three children together?

I know many couples that choose to not marry until much later, or sometimes not at all, but it is very rare (IME) to see couples wait for marriage if they have children together.

Could the lack of "solidified" commitment be a reason why you are not very happy with things?

Dump the social media COMPLETELY. It often ruins relationships. You became enamored with the fantasy.

Have you told your fiance about your EA?

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:27 AM Thread Starter
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Satya, we recently decided to marry. We never thought we would but I see its relevance and importance now. And yes, he knew about the EA.
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:31 AM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

Do you think perhaps you chose a mate before you'd gained the life experience to actually know what you want? It may be that you've matured, come into your own, and are finding the man you chose as a fledgling isn't the right match, after all.

I met DH when we were both 24 and we're nearly 42. In 17+ years I can honestly say that the passion hasn't diminished. That's with raising 3 kids, some dogs and other pets, a mortgage, and all the rest of the real life stuff said to kill relationships.

My dearest friend married my father's older brother. She was 17 when they met. He was 36. They married when she turned 18 and have raised 4 boys together. I saw her yesterday and she says they're as in love as ever. Most recently, he surprised her with a weekend alone together at a bed and breakfast.

Frankly, I don't buy the idea that losing love or passion is normal. I think saying it's normal is how people manage to convince themselves to stay in less than happy marriages.

Of course, you aren't even married. Meaning, if you're not content, leaving is a lot less hassle. Maybe you haven't married for a reason.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:43 AM Thread Starter
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MJJEAN, thank you for your thoughts. They are very direct and to the point and, to be honest, I got a sort of lump in my throat as I was reading your words.

You basically articulated my deepest fears and it's something I don't know how to look at to even rest of it be a reality or not.

If, what you describe, could be the truth of the matter. I wouldn't have the first clue as to how to deal with it. It would involve hurting someone I only have the utmost love and respect for. To me, that seems unfathomable.

And contrary to what you say, even without the marriage in place, I have still experienced a great sense of commitment with him. And, IMO, children make a breakup far harder than marriage does.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 07:19 AM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

@on_the_verge, I like @MJJEAN 's post as well. It's pretty introspective.

I'm 36, a bit older than you, and I'm married for the second time to an older man (15 years older). I went through one relationship starting at 17 (he was the same age) and then we married when I was 23. I consider that my "trial" marriage to figure out what I wanted. We had an overall good marriage, but we grew up and apart, then he dropped a bomb on me that told me clearly we could no longer be married.

Since I'm older now then I was then, being with an older man this time is not something I even think about consciously, we just go together so well, age doesn't register with either of us. However, being 18 with a 20 year-older man is a different story. I'm going to take a guess that during your "brain-maturing" 20s, you started to picture him in a different light than as your starry-eyed 18 year-old self. A man who is already approaching his 40s when he met you is going to be much more settled in his ways than a man closer to your age.

If I'm way off the mark here please say so, I'm not judging, but I do understand how much I changed during my late 20s and how much my view of the world and what I wanted from it changed.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

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Originally Posted by on_the_verge View Post
MJJEAN, thank you for your thoughts. They are very direct and to the point and, to be honest, I got a sort of lump in my throat as I was reading your words.

You basically articulated my deepest fears and it's something I don't know how to look at to even rest of it be a reality or not.

If, what you describe, could be the truth of the matter. I wouldn't have the first clue as to how to deal with it. It would involve hurting someone I only have the utmost love and respect for. To me, that seems unfathomable.

And contrary to what you say, even without the marriage in place, I have still experienced a great sense of commitment with him. And, IMO, children make a breakup far harder than marriage does.
The two [sets or] highlighted words above say it all for me.

You may find another man [or men] that have more "spark", but you are unlikely to find one who will have more total, all around, "amperage".

Meaning, you would be trading short term excitement for long term bliss and happiness.

Note: That is not saying that you could not "get lucky" and find an all-around better man and life.

The odds are not in your favor. You would be bringing two children into a new relationship with you.
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ......

Your husband needs to up his game, somehow. Talk to him. Help him with this.

You need to do more exciting things together, more often.

It may help you if you move to an area less remote. But doing that will expose you to more temptation.

You are not alone in these doubts and thoughts that you are feeling. Most people have felt these at some time in their lives.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

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Originally Posted by on_the_verge View Post
MJJEAN, thank you for your thoughts. They are very direct and to the point and, to be honest, I got a sort of lump in my throat as I was reading your words.

You basically articulated my deepest fears and it's something I don't know how to look at to even rest of it be a reality or not.

If, what you describe, could be the truth of the matter. I wouldn't have the first clue as to how to deal with it. It would involve hurting someone I only have the utmost love and respect for. To me, that seems unfathomable.

And contrary to what you say, even without the marriage in place, I have still experienced a great sense of commitment with him. And, IMO, children make a breakup far harder than marriage does.
Sorry if my directness was harsh to you. My laptop hard drive failed and my tablet drowned in soup a few days ago. I'm stuck using my phone until I research replacements.

My parents never married. They were together 18 years when my mother passed away. I'll say something to help you I never said to anyone but my DH. I think they were engaged for so long without marrying because they knew they weren't "it" for each other. I don't doubt they loved each other, but they didn't seem to love each other " like that". I think their relationship would have faded away and ended, but kids came along before the natural ending could happen.

2 years after mom died, dad married.

Maybe marriage is just a piece of paper to you both or maybe you two never took the plunge because deep down you know you're not each other's "it".

If you were to leave it would hurt this man you love and respect. However, staying could be hurting him, too. If you're not passionately in love with him you're preventing him from finding someone who would love him like that.

You mentioned your fiance has kinks. I'm kinky, myself, and my kinks do not only heighten sexual pleasure and intensity. My kinks meet emotional and psychological needs. You said your H's kinks aren't your thing. If his kink needs are as crucial to him as mine are to me, those needs not being met could be damaging. If he were single, he could have those needs met by someone who is into whatever his thing is.

I know splitting up with kids is hard. DH is my 2nd husband. My oldest kids are from my first marriage and were 6 and 1 when I left my exH. My situation was different than yours in that I neither loved or respected my ex. If you were to split at least you would be able to coparent amicably since you do have positive feelings for your fiance. In my experience, having parents who work together post split makes a huge difference to how the kids fare.

That all said, it might be you and not your relationship at all. DH went through a phase at about 32 during which he was thinking along similar lines. After some soul searching he said it wasn't me or our relationship that was the problem. It was the rest of his life. He wasn't where he wanted to be, he wasn't getting his needs met because even he wasn't sure what they were vs what he thought they were, and he was just generally unhappy with himself. He said he more or less blamed me and the marriage for his personal unhappiness because we were easy targets. He was in a funk, so everything looked cruddy. Maybe you're in the same funk. Maybe making some changes ( job, hobby, social group, volunteer, education) would make you happy and you'd see everything differently.


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

I think your BIGGEST problem (and the most grossly disturbing one) is that you got involved with a man who was almost 40 who was hitting on an 18 year old teenage girl fresh out of high school.

You never HAD a chance to have your youth because he made sure to pluck you early and groom you for a commitment to HIM. Who DOES that in good conscience to a teenager with no life experience? It's creepy and it's gross and it's selfish and it's horribly irresponsible. Of course, it's normal to YOU because he got to you early so it's all you know, but it's NOT the norm. And there's a reason for that. If some guy nearing 40 was sniffing around MY 18 year old daughter, he'd regret the day he was born. Not to be rude, but where the HELL were your parents back when he was sniffing around their teenage daughter?

What he did when you were 18 was creepy and grossly unfair to do to a young girl who doesn't know any better. Now that you're all grown up, you're realizing how much you sacrificed and how much you missed. I actually feel very very bad for you.

If you marry this guy and/or stay with him, you'll always long for your missing youth. Your future will be spent with an aging man with health problems until you're eventually his nursemaid. I'm also willing to bet that he seems more like a father figure to you than your equal.

Haven't you already given up enough of your life for this man?
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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I have read all your comments and they are all so helpful and insightful. I feel like I am in a proper counselling session! THANK YOU <3 Many of you have raised big questions for me in my heart.

I have more I would like to share and ask but I am on full time child minding duties so my time is very limited. Also, this website is something that I am partaking in by myself at this stage because I know I have things to work out in my head. He would also get offended by many things that are being said here. So that makes it double-y hard to find the time. I want to address each and every one of you though. Standby
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 06:43 PM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

OP,
Want is the root of all evil and the reason that people are not content with life. Sometimes the want is not even something they can solidly identify. It is just a vague desire for something, someone, somewhere, somehow. When we allow these thoughts to dominate our minds they will consume our thoughts and kill our happiness. You have control over your thoughts and must learn to not allow them to override the thoughts that provide/allow contentment.

There can always be thoughts of "what if" no matter how good you life is and most people do not learn this until their good life is shattered by the want of more. Learn to realize that your life is good and let your thoughts focus on those things. There can always be more, bigger, better, taller, leaner and so forth but every want begets more want.

Once when a famous wealthy man was asked by a reporter "with all your money and riches what more could you possibly want" and his response was "just a little bit more". Learn to be satiated with what you have and forget what else might MIGHT be out there. Look how great what you have is and appreciate it.

Peace and long life
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 07:01 PM
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Re: I am struggling and need help

I think the age difference is not an issue, other than the fact you do seem to think of him more as a nice father figure rather than a hot lover.

My wife says you should be using words that show your fiancee turns you on, gets your motor running, makes you hot and bothered, and makes you want to screw his brains out. Screw all that respect and love stuff, that's for your parents.

When my wife was your age she would throw herself into my arms, and I would catch her in the air and slam her into a wall and pin her arms up while I ravished her. Just for starters.

There was that one time when she was in her early 40's though, and she broke my front tooth. But hey, that's what insurance is for.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 07:04 PM Thread Starter
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@on_the_verge, I like @MJJEAN 's post as well. It's pretty introspective.

I'm 36, a bit older than you, and I'm married for the second time to an older man (15 years older). I went through one relationship starting at 17 (he was the same age) and then we married when I was 23. I consider that my "trial" marriage to figure out what I wanted. We had an overall good marriage, but we grew up and apart, then he dropped a bomb on me that told me clearly we could no longer be married.

Since I'm older now then I was then, being with an older man this time is not something I even think about consciously, we just go together so well, age doesn't register with either of us. However, being 18 with a 20 year-older man is a different story. I'm going to take a guess that during your "brain-maturing" 20s, you started to picture him in a different light than as your starry-eyed 18 year-old self. A man who is already approaching his 40s when he met you is going to be much more settled in his ways than a man closer to your age.

If I'm way off the mark here please say so, I'm not judging, but I do understand how much I changed during my late 20s and how much my view of the world and what I wanted from it changed.
Hi Satya, yes I do believe that I have changed immensely since I was 18 and "starry-eyed". It's almost as if I have finally grown up. But he is, in many ways, the same and yes, I have moments when I see him as a much older man now.

But I feel like I would be lost without him. I've never even really functioned in the 'real world' by myself. And I feel like he would be equally lost without me (AND THEIR ARE OUR KIDS?!) I have essentially taken a huge part of his life too. I get the feeling he wouldn't even be bothered to find someone else if we parted and I hate the idea of him being lonely, or unhappy.
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