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Already divorced, she had exit affair. Worth trying to reconcile?

15K views 42 replies 39 participants last post by  curious234 
#1 · (Edited)
OK so here goes.

My wife was my high school sweetheart. We met junior year and she ended up pregnant just four months later. There was talk around school that the child was not mine. People had even seen her walking hand-in-hand with another guy. I called it off with her, then six months into the pregnancy her mom brought her over to my parents house and basically told us that she would be kicked out when the baby was born. I ended up taking her back, and she moved in with me at my folks . Things were great for two years, so we decided we did love one another, and got married in August 2003. Shortly after we were married, I had found out that she had been messing around with my best friend. When confronted she lied to my face. She ended up moving in with her sister across town and leaving me with our three-year-old daughter. Fast forward six months later after no contact, and she suddenly back in the picture.

After reconciling six months later she was pregnant with our second child. I had gotten a great job and we moved into her own place and that's when things really took a turn for the worst. I had a buddy move in with me it was a friend since we were little. He had a brother that was going thru some marriage problems at the time and he would always come over. Well, they ended up having an affair. She told me she no longer loved me and that she wanted to leave me and move in with him. Fortunately him and his wife patched up their issues and the affair ended. Trying to be a good husband and responsible parent I offered to forgive her again and raise our two children and work on our marriage.

About two years later I was laid off of my job, my parents ended up moving to Texas and we weren't able to support ourselves so we moved with them. This was hard on her as it moved her away from all her friends and family. While she did not cheat for the six years we lived in Texas she did write a boyfriend from high school A letter telling him that she never loved me and was only with me because our parents helped us so much. Again me being an idiot, I forgave herand got us tickets to Hawaii. She wanted to renew our vows there so we did it on a private beach. She told me that she was very sorry for everything and that the renewal of vows was a new beginning.

After two years we were able to finally financially support ourselves so we move back to HER home state. Reluctantly, my parents warned me that moving there would end in divorce. I assured them that she was totally changed and I had nothing to worry about. Boy was I wrong!

We ended up movin to Tennessee in Aug 2015. Two months into the new relocation she told me things needed to change or we would have to talk about divorce. So, I completely did a 180 and change everything that I was doing to try to get her to change her mind. She refused counseling and filed six months after we became Legal residents. She would not budge and she would not really tell me why we were divorcing.

During this time she turned my two children against me. She made it seem it was all my fault. The divorce was finalized in July 2016. I moved my own place and she ended up moving into a new apartment. We really never stop hanging out that which was weird. We would go to dinner, movies, places with the kids but she would never stay the night and we never had sex. This one one on and off until about November 2016. She try to go no contact with me but would contact me about once twice possibly three times a week. Then suddenly in February it was like a switch was flipped on and everything was back on. Hanging out going out to dinner I had stayed the night a couple nights but we never end up having sex I just held her.

Then suddenly about four weeks ago she cut everything off again. Four nights, ago I received a phone call from a woman who tells me she has big news. She told me to give her day and she would call me back and let me know what was going on. I asked if she knew my ex-wife, and all she would say was yes.

So, she called me the next day and explained that her and her husband were getting a divorce because my ex-wife had been sleeping with him since November 2015. They are coworkers of sorts. she works at one office in Nashville he works in the Memphis office, 175 miles away. They had never actually met in person before they started meeting at a hotel. They talked on the phone and emailed thru work email. The affair partner's wife let me sign into her Facebook and read the conversation of my ex-wife admitting to times, dates, positions, the whole 9 yards.

They were caught two months ago. They are trying to reconcile and my ex-wife came over to my place the other night and broke down crying. She said she felt like she was garbage and didn't deserve any relationship. Again, I told her that I want what's best for our kids and then I would forgive her if she would come to therapy and figure out why she cannot stay faithful. She agreed and even told our children. Last night she broke it off and now won't even respond to me. She had an exit affair and it was purely sexual. I know I shouldn't want to get back with her and I should not love her, but I don't understand why I do still. Maybe it's the fact my 10-year-old has been trying to cut herself since we divorced or maybe it's because my 15-year-old has told me she had thoughts of suicide. Obviously I'm going to seek both of them professional treatment, but I don't know what to do? Do I go no contact and never speak with her again except about the children or do I realize that she finally is ready to make a change and be a grown-up? I'm 34 and she is 33 and I have no idea what to do. I'm very lonely because I'm in a new state with no friends or family and other than work, nothing to do. I don't want to leave my children but if I can't make some friends or find some peace here, I feel like I have to go back and live around my friends and family. I will still see the children but the chances of reconciliation would never happen again. What should I do?

TLDR: married 16 years, two kids, wife had multiple affairs throughout relationship, made me move us to her home state where I have no friends or family and had an exit affair and told me she divorced me for other reasons. I just found out about the affair for days ago and we've been divorced since July 2016. She seems to want to reconcile but I don't know what to do.
 
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#19 ·
^THIS^.

But did you really have to ask us? She lied to you over and over, abused your trust, sat back and watched you work to support the family AND bend over backwards to make the marriage work. What could you possibly change that would have a different outcome this time? Say bye bye.

Work on being a good dad to those kids.
 
#4 · (Edited)
JDubs, for many years you have tried to hold your family together because of your children and because of your feelings for your wife. Look critically at what that has meant right now - the condition that your children are in, and the condition that your own life is in. You have allowed your ex-wife to use your commitment to your family repeatedly to destroy the things that are precious to you. She is the mother of your children and you cannot change that, but there is a great deal about your life and your children's lives that you can change. Not allowing this woman any further place or power in your life is the start of that.

@sokillme
 
#5 ·
Preesh the replies. I don't understand if she doesn't love me why the hell she won't leave me alone. My kids will find out the truth when they're older. I want to move because I'm slowly killing myself here. I have no friends or family and all I do when I'm not working is smoke tons of cigs and starve myself. I've lost 50 lbs since divorce and I feel terrible. I stay up late as **** cause I can't sleep so I run on 2 to 3 hrs a night. I wish she could change. I know she is damaged goods, just wish she would've went to therapy with me after first affair.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#12 ·
Preesh the replies. I don't understand if she doesn't love me why the hell she won't leave me alone.
Because you MAKE it so damned easy, that's why. All she's got to do is crook her little finger and you come running right to her, panting like a little stray dog, tail wagging, begging for a pat on the head. Willing to do whatever she wants, willing to give her whatever she needs, willing to be used for whatever purpose she needs at that moment - all while accepting nothing in return.

Hell, I want one of those. :grin2:

I have to tell you, at one time you were a victim of this toxic woman. You chose to become a volunteer a long time ago.
 
#6 ·
She uses you to make herself feel better. That there is someone who actually wants her and feels something for her - that's why she "comes back" when the other men don't want her any more. Maybe she also needs you to feel financially/physically secure. And maybe she has intermittent periods when she admits to herself what she's done to her children and you ... and feels guilty.

But really, does it matter why?
It's you that you have to make sense of.

Have you taken any legal advice about your situation in terms of your kids etc. What would happen if you wanted to move state?
What kind of custody arrangement do you have?
 
#10 ·
JDubs

In baseball you tag up before trying to steal second base. In this case, you are first base. She always tags up before trying to steal second base. And, she will always be looking to steal second base.

The definition of insanity is performing the same action over and over again expecting a different result. Do you really expect a different result?

She is a serial cheater and you are her enabler. She is addicted. Stay out of infidelity.
 
#13 ·
She's just a parasite that moves from man to man. You've just been that rock she can fall back on while she's between one man and the next. If that's how you want to live, go ahead. You just need to understand what is really happening. I think your high school friends are probably correct that your first child is not yours. What about your second?
 
#17 · (Edited)
Have some respect for yourself, and stop giving people second chances who have repeatedly betrayed your trusts!

From your story, it seems like the physical component of your relationship has been problematic for a long time, and your ex-wife has dealt with that by cheating. This was her choice over the years, time and time again; she made it as a big girl. Please, stop hoping that she has "grown out of this" and ignoring the big problem: she doesn't love you; she stayed with you for the wrong reasons; she put that in writing. I'm sorry.

Faithful spouses deserve faithful spouses, and cheating spouses deserve cheating spouses. Let her go be with the other man (e.g. another cheater), and go find someone who genuinely loves you. Your divorce is final, so let sleeping dogs lie. Your ex isn't worthy of another chance, and your kids deserve better than an emotional roller coaster ride, where mom and dad can't make up their minds about each other.

I'm afraid that the flipside of your ex-wife staying with you for the wrong reasons, is actually you doing the very same thing! In my opinion, you've been overly needy in your relationship and sold yourself short on a better life with someone else, who will love you enough to stay faithful. I get that in part, you staying with your ex over the years was for your kids, but also in part, you were unwilling to leave your comfort zone. In this case, a familiar relationship is not a good one for you; it's time to move on.

Do you have full or joint custody? If full custody, when your ex comes over to spend time with the kids, cut the physical contact; no holding her, absolutely no sex--these things nurture your attachment to her. If joint custody, I have to wonder why the heck you're spending time together with the kids and your ex; let her have the kids for the time and go do your own thing. One way or another, move on from the way things used to be between mommy and daddy; that show for your kids is long over, and mommy pulled the curtain. Good luck!
 
#18 ·
Do not blame the divorce for the problems the children are having. They have watched their mother manipulate and use men all their life. They learned well. Obviously they both need therapy, but do not think that remarrying the crazy woman will solve any problems the kids have.

Your high school friends and parents are right about her. She is a serial cheater and will never stop. This woman never loved anyone but herself and will not change. Do not sacrifice more of your life for her.
 
#20 ·
Why do you not have custody of your kids?

Or do you have custody of your kids? I do think you should start NC as much as possible and read up on the 180.

Get her out of your life. any communication on the kids, do with emails. I would DNA the kids, just not tell them.

You want to know for medical issues.


Get her out of your life. Why would you think of ever wanting her back? She has no love or respect for you.

I do hope you see a councilor soon. And stay far away from her. and find a way legally for you to have custody of the kids.
 
#22 · (Edited)
Worth trying to reconcile?

NOOO!

How many chances have you given, 14? Stay far away, only interact with children. If she hasn't started already, she will be using Sex to hook you back in with another pregnancy.
 
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#23 ·
She has shown you TIME and TIME again that YOU are not worth anything to her. She is NOT marriage material and never will be with you. WHY would you WANT to get back with someone who continually cheats on you and maybe even has you raise someone else's child(ren)???

You need to STOP talking/seeing/ANYTHING with her that does NOT involve the children. No more dates, no more hanging out, etc.. WHY would you want to spend time with someone who treats you so poorly? You really need to start living your OWN life, increase your circle of friends, and start doing things that YOU like to do (hobbies, etc.). Since you run so much, why don't you try to see if there is a running club in the area (try meetup.com)? Perhaps other groups that do things you enjoy.

This woman is TOXIC and absolutely NOT worth ANY of your time.
 
#25 ·
JDubs

Either this is some fabulous woman that you are willing to take this measure of abuse for or you have zero self image. Have you even tried to move on to other relationships? It sounds like you are hypnotized. Break the spell. She has shown you time and time and time again her true nature, and you still wonder if she really is that way. Yes, she is really that way. Born that way, will die that way. You can't change her, no one can change her. Your future is to be the same as your past, unless you wake up from your fantasy that you move on together and leave the past behind. I haven't seen a post on here that hasn't given you the exact same advice.
 
#26 · (Edited)
If you take her back she will just hold onto you until she feels secure to move on with someone else. Why do you want her back? What exactly do you think the outcome would be? In her long history with you has she ever once shown you she is capable of having a monogamous relationship? Think about all the ways she has treated you? Do you think that is normal for a person who loves another? From the point when you knew her as a child she was cheating on you.

You can't fix her, she is broken I would bet BPD. Even if she is ready to grow up you are not the one to do it with.

Next I would ask you what is this back and forth doing to your children. You say your motivation is to help them, but your ex-wife is toxic. In your long relationship she has never shown she has the ability to have a stable relationship with you. How does that effect them to see their mother go in and out of their lives. What do you think that teaches them? You sir are contributing to that because you are exposing them to this toxic cycle. Kids who grow up in drama learn to seek it out in life. Your responsibility is to protect them. Your ex is not capable of giving you what you want, providing for you a stable relationship. It's time for YOU to grow up. Enough with the dreaming and pining away for a fantasy of a happy life with someone who has continued to abuse you. It's not going to happen. You can't make a square peg fit in a round hole. She is not meant to be married, it's not in her nature.

You are exactly the same as the women who goes back over and over to the man who is giving her black eyes. You must stop, YOU must get help for yourself and your children. Would you advise the women who has been put in the hospital by her ex to take him back because he says he has changed? After he was dumped? Sometimes the damage is too severe to overcome even if he has changed. You son is in such bad shape not because your wife left but because of her abuse of her family. DO NOT leave him vulnerable to more if it. Read this, and go get some counseling. You need to break the cycle for your kids. They need an example of a relationship in their lives that is not toxic. You can't give them that if you hang on to a person who continues to use and abuse you. If you get some help maybe you can meet someone one day and be a good example.

I would attest and others here would agree that you sound like someone who has a substance abuse problem. You desperately crave something that is destroying your life. It would be good for you to stop seeing yourself as someone who just loves too much and start seeing yourself from the perspective of people who have and unbiased eye. Everyone here is telling you you are not healthy. What you think is love is not, it's toxic codependency. You need to break the cycle and get some help.
 
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