Wife's Emotional Affair - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 05:53 PM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

Is there a TT conversion chart? It would be so handy.

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post #17 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 06:19 PM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

There are some odd themes that appear in stories of infidelity. You should be prepared:

1) Sometimes when a wandering spouse says they've contemplated divorce, they're actually nowhere near facing the reality of divorce when the papers are served. Sometimes filing for divorce is a good way to wake up the wandering spouse and readjust their priorities.
2) The "sexually shy" wandering spouse has often done things with their affair partner that would make a sailor blush--things they refused to do with their own spouse. The betrayed spouse often finds this incredibly hurtful and unrecoverable.
3) When the wandering spouse says "I've stopped the affair", the affair usually continues, but is better hidden.
4) Begging your wandering spouse to stay, or crying in front of them usually has the opposite of the intended effect. The best results are often achieved by showing your wandering spouse that you'll be just fine without them. However, in your case, it sounds like you've already put distance between the two of you over the past years. So I'm not sure what your best course of action is in this respect.
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post #18 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 06:20 PM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

Honestly, I'm not sure what you need from this forum. You know what happened (at least partially), you know why, and you know what to do for yourself.

That's about all you need.

If you want the marriage, ask her if she does. Ask her if you improved X, Y, Z, would she be interested in moving forward with you. If she says yes, then do those things to help your marriage. If she says anything other than that, just do it for yourself, like you mentioned. Either way, you have your marching orders, and you seem to know what they are.

Good luck.
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post #19 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

I know this comment is way out in left field. That's where I reside, but whatever you do, don't beg or coerce her to stay. As a matter of fact you'd probably be ahead of the game by filing for divorce now.
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post #20 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 12:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tundra7346 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by badmemory View Post
OP,

So many BS's make the mistake of believing their WW spouse when they say it is only an EA. I did as well. But you have two things that point to this being a PA.

- She's says she in love with the OM

- They've had the chance to hook up.

Motive and opportunity.

You need to be sure you know what you're trying to forgive. You should assume it's a PA until you get solid evidence. If she won't admit it, you need to keep on digging. You will get all the help you will need to discreetly monitor her on this board.
What's the difference between forgiving a PA vs an EA? Is one "less damaging" than the other? If I had to say it's the EA that's worse. If the reason she's gotten to love him is due to the PA, what's the difference? It's the intimacy and her feelings for him that are most damaging.
What if she lied about not having sex with him. Would that bother you? I think it would. It seems like OM and WW were able to get their story straight.
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post #21 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 04:47 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

You won't be able to make an informed decision to attempt reconciliation until you have the whole truth. You don't have it yet. Sometimes it takes filing for divorce to knock the wayward off the fence and to pry the truth out.
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post #22 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 05:06 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

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What's the difference between forgiving a PA vs an EA? Is one "less damaging" than the other? If I had to say it's the EA that's worse. If the reason she's gotten to love him is due to the PA, what's the difference? It's the intimacy and her feelings for him that are most damaging.
Same difference. You'll often hear the cliche that women attach more on an emotional level than physical. For me each are doorways to the other..all that matters is your wife has a boyfriend.
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post #23 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 05:41 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

it sounds like your drinking seriously harmed the marriage. As such, it is a big problem. Maybe serious enough to join AA. At the least, go thru the house and throw out anything alcoholic, and never again buy any. Show her, by your actions, that you are serious about fixing yourself.

Maybe try to reconnect with her in some way. Do you both like exercise? Join a gym and work out together. Go on hikes in the woods, climb some mountains, do some kayaking together. If she says "i am going out with my friends, do you want to come?" guess what your answer should be???

She had an EA, and maybe a PA. If you can get over that (many can not), then i would say you both were at the scene of the crime. But doing the above you will be doing your penance. But she has to do some heavy lifting too: All the standard no contact, give you passwords to everything, and on and on.

IF i chose to reconcile with her, i personally would not want to know all the details of the affair, but would want her to commit to being squeaky clean going forward.

in any event in your unique case, i do not see a need to rush to do anthing, including serving her with divorce papers, A little time will show you where it is all headding to.
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post #24 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 06:49 AM
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Cool Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

@Tundra7346 ~ if feelings between your W and the OM, in her own words, "got intense," then you can pretty much take it to the bank that they exchanged bodily fluids somewhere, and not exactly at a local blood bank!

You need to do some ardent soul-searching and determine if this is both forgivable and repairable! If not, you need to sever the cords with her, implement "the 180," and begin looking out for your own welfare and that of your innocent sons!

In any event, at least get yourself checked out by an MD for the presence of any latent STD's!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #25 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 08:23 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

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Originally Posted by Tundra7346 View Post
What's the difference between forgiving a PA vs an EA? Is one "less damaging" than the other? If I had to say it's the EA that's worse. If the reason she's gotten to love him is due to the PA, what's the difference? It's the intimacy and her feelings for him that are most damaging.
It's her not being honest with you that is more of a problem. How can you be married to someone who lies to your face repeatedly. Besides that sex add another level of intimacy to the equation, normally getting to the point where you have sex means you pursued this for a long time.

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post #26 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

If you are not doing things to make your own life better for yourself, you will struggle to keep changes for you as a couple... and even those changes will change before you are ready to find the opportunity for peace and love back in the marriage you want.

As you work to see your life different, don't discount every single drop of change... that is how a bucket is filled and before long you'll be able to see your reflection, but the interesting thing in that as well is if your wife notices the drops that are added, she'll see that reflection too as she looks in.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #27 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 08:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

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Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
Honestly, I'm not sure what you need from this forum. You know what happened (at least partially), you know why, and you know what to do for yourself.

That's about all you need.

If you want the marriage, ask her if she does. Ask her if you improved X, Y, Z, would she be interested in moving forward with you. If she says yes, then do those things to help your marriage. If she says anything other than that, just do it for yourself, like you mentioned. Either way, you have your marching orders, and you seem to know what they are.

Good luck.
What I need is to know somebody's listening. And to know I'm not alone.

What I value are comments just like yours. Because it provides some reassurance I'm on the right track or at least a track.

Other comments, opinions, experience and advice are welcome considerations.

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post #28 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

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She expresses that she's very sorry about the affair, sorry she's hurt me. She'll do "whatever you want" (her words) including me kicking her out or leaving her.
Go to this google search and print out all the articles. Hand them to her and tell her you want her to read them all by Friday. You and she will sit down and talk about it Friday. (you need to read them, too)

https://www.google.com/search?q=pea+...hrome&ie=UTF-8
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post #29 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

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I'm also not sure if she can give it up. She got something out of this. I am not going to watch her like a hawk. So time will tell I've got to work on me right now while struggling with the pain of knowing our days together might be numbered.
By now, you should have all the passwords to every piece of electronics and every app she has. You should have installed GPS on her phone and in her car. She should have written a No Contact letter to this man that YOU approve and email to him. She should be telling you EVERYwhere she goes and when so you can verify. And you should be taking her to her parents to sit down in front of them and tell them what she has done and ask for their forgiveness and support of you.

That's a good first step.
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post #30 of 142 (permalink) Old 05-23-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Wife's Emotional Affair

At the same time, please understand that women are subconsciously attracted to strong men. Goes back to caveman days. Your anxiety, your shutting off, have contributed to her no longer seeing you as strong, possibly even worthy.

I assume you are seeing a therapist to overcome your anxiety? You'd better be! You need to be taking active steps to make this marriage fulfilling for BOTH of you, at least the part you can control.

At the same time, read this book and see if it applies: No More Mr Nice Guy.
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