A little background:
My wife and I have been married 6 years, together 8.
One year ago, my wife had an extended emotional and physical affair (with antother woman, though I'm not sure that part matters all that much for this story). I issued an ultimatum that the affair end, or we were done. She chose the affair. I wound up accepting a new job at the time on the other side of the country, so I saw it as an opportunity for a fresh start.
It wasn't all that surprising to me, but 3 months ago, my wife called, begging to get back together and give her another chance. She apologized to a degree for the affair (for what she thought I knew happened...unbeknownst to her, my evidence gathering went far deeper than I let on, so I knew there's much more that happened that she didn't apologize for). She insisted that she was going to be getting help (she has been diagnosed as borderline) and that she was committed to being a "better wife."
My expectations were not high for things working out, but I saw myself as having little to lose, so I continued conversations with her and we agreed that we would meet in a couple of weekends. One of the things that struck me was how different my wife acted during this time regarding sex. Previously, she wanted little to do with it, and would often use it as a means of exerting control. However, during this time, she was very interested in dirty talk and phone sex (things which she had shown NO interest in previously....even when one of us was deployed with the military for a year, she showed no interest).
Several weeks later, we got together for a long weekend, and we genuinely had a great time, and sex was some of the best of our marriage. After the weekend, we each went back to our homes and we continued talks of reconciliation. She indicated that she was interested in pursuing a transfer through her employer to the area where I live. Things continued to go well together, and she seemed like she had made a concerted effort to genuinely improve herself.
About 6 weeks ago, we met up in a town to watch some baseball games together for the weekend (her choice of activities, since the home team was "her" team). The weekend began great, however, midway through the second baseball game, she was looking at something on her phone, and in an instant, everything changed. She immediately became cold and distant. We struggled through the rest of the game, and went back to the hotel. We were getting ready for dinner, and I asked if she would wait a particular outfit that I liked (we had discussed it previously and she specifically brought it because she knew I liked it). She absolutely flipped out about how she only wears what she wants and that she would never wear something just because I wanted her to, etc, etc. Dinner was a struggle, having to try to pry conversation out of her (getting primarily only one and two word answers in response). I finally asked her what happened at the game, and initially she played dumb....then she got furious at me for "thinking" something happened. Later that night, I decided I would throw caution to the wind and still try to make a sexual advance. It was met with her screaming, saying that she wished she could gain 100lbs, so I wouldn't want to have sex with her any more.
In the six weeks that have passed, she's moved from talking about getting a job transfer down to my area, to now talking about rejoining the military (she has submitted her paperwork already and goes to MEPS later this week). When I ask where that leaves our relationship, I get met with anger and very "hazy" specifics. The "conversations" in the 6 weeks since we've seen each other have continued to be very one-sided as well....I primarily get one and two word responses.
Ironically to me, I just mentioned that I was thinking about getting a different vehicle, and her response was, "I'll take that as a sign that you don't want the two of us to be together, if you're willing to get rid of the family vehicle...".
I have numerous questions, and in general, am just looking for some input:
1. I find myself unable to reconcile how she can claim to be committed to this marriage, while at the same time essentially taunting me about wanting to have sex, being unwilling to move and live together, all while also being unwilling to give up the "friends" who openly supported her lesbian affair.
2. Given 1 above, I'm tempted to say that there's no chance of success for reconciliation. I feel like she sees me as simply a "safety net", so she can go and do whatever she wants and she wants to have me there on the sidelines, always willing to take her in.
3. I have too much personal pride for 2 (or given that she's already started down this road, I have to much pride to allow myself to be a part of it).
Is there anything that I'm missing here in my analysis of the situation?
My wife and I have been married 6 years, together 8.
One year ago, my wife had an extended emotional and physical affair (with antother woman, though I'm not sure that part matters all that much for this story). I issued an ultimatum that the affair end, or we were done. She chose the affair. I wound up accepting a new job at the time on the other side of the country, so I saw it as an opportunity for a fresh start.
It wasn't all that surprising to me, but 3 months ago, my wife called, begging to get back together and give her another chance. She apologized to a degree for the affair (for what she thought I knew happened...unbeknownst to her, my evidence gathering went far deeper than I let on, so I knew there's much more that happened that she didn't apologize for). She insisted that she was going to be getting help (she has been diagnosed as borderline) and that she was committed to being a "better wife."
My expectations were not high for things working out, but I saw myself as having little to lose, so I continued conversations with her and we agreed that we would meet in a couple of weekends. One of the things that struck me was how different my wife acted during this time regarding sex. Previously, she wanted little to do with it, and would often use it as a means of exerting control. However, during this time, she was very interested in dirty talk and phone sex (things which she had shown NO interest in previously....even when one of us was deployed with the military for a year, she showed no interest).
Several weeks later, we got together for a long weekend, and we genuinely had a great time, and sex was some of the best of our marriage. After the weekend, we each went back to our homes and we continued talks of reconciliation. She indicated that she was interested in pursuing a transfer through her employer to the area where I live. Things continued to go well together, and she seemed like she had made a concerted effort to genuinely improve herself.
About 6 weeks ago, we met up in a town to watch some baseball games together for the weekend (her choice of activities, since the home team was "her" team). The weekend began great, however, midway through the second baseball game, she was looking at something on her phone, and in an instant, everything changed. She immediately became cold and distant. We struggled through the rest of the game, and went back to the hotel. We were getting ready for dinner, and I asked if she would wait a particular outfit that I liked (we had discussed it previously and she specifically brought it because she knew I liked it). She absolutely flipped out about how she only wears what she wants and that she would never wear something just because I wanted her to, etc, etc. Dinner was a struggle, having to try to pry conversation out of her (getting primarily only one and two word answers in response). I finally asked her what happened at the game, and initially she played dumb....then she got furious at me for "thinking" something happened. Later that night, I decided I would throw caution to the wind and still try to make a sexual advance. It was met with her screaming, saying that she wished she could gain 100lbs, so I wouldn't want to have sex with her any more.
In the six weeks that have passed, she's moved from talking about getting a job transfer down to my area, to now talking about rejoining the military (she has submitted her paperwork already and goes to MEPS later this week). When I ask where that leaves our relationship, I get met with anger and very "hazy" specifics. The "conversations" in the 6 weeks since we've seen each other have continued to be very one-sided as well....I primarily get one and two word responses.
Ironically to me, I just mentioned that I was thinking about getting a different vehicle, and her response was, "I'll take that as a sign that you don't want the two of us to be together, if you're willing to get rid of the family vehicle...".
I have numerous questions, and in general, am just looking for some input:
1. I find myself unable to reconcile how she can claim to be committed to this marriage, while at the same time essentially taunting me about wanting to have sex, being unwilling to move and live together, all while also being unwilling to give up the "friends" who openly supported her lesbian affair.
2. Given 1 above, I'm tempted to say that there's no chance of success for reconciliation. I feel like she sees me as simply a "safety net", so she can go and do whatever she wants and she wants to have me there on the sidelines, always willing to take her in.
3. I have too much personal pride for 2 (or given that she's already started down this road, I have to much pride to allow myself to be a part of it).
Is there anything that I'm missing here in my analysis of the situation?