My fault - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 12:36 PM Thread Starter
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My fault

Hello,

My marriage has had stress, but nothing out of the ordinary. My first wife cheated on me, and I have had trust issues ever since.

My second and wife had two online indiscretions, one before and one after we were married. I forgave, we worked through it, and things have been relatively great.

I had a motorcycle accident, and sepsis that almost killed me a month later. During this time I was racked with guilt over becoming disabled and that my wife had to take care of everything. Out business, our kids, everything. I was extremely depressed and told her she deserved someone else.

I eventually got off of the painkillers, but still not feeling right mentally and emotionally. I told her that I wanted to separate. My mind at the time, could not remember all that she was doing for us, or what she had done for me while during My ordeal. She was hoping that I would come back around up until just before the half of last month.

During the time I was in crisis and thinking I wanted to separate, I kept realizing that I loved her deeply and missed being with her, and that I wasnt thinking clearly. I looked up things and realize that I probably have PTSD from my first marriage, and now,from my accident.

I approached her about reconciliation, after about a month of me working things out. We are in separate rooms, but under the same roof. She says she doesn't know that she feels the same way anymore. She contacted an old fling to "talk," and met him at least twice. She changed her facebook password. She told me that someone asked her out for coffee but that she said "I don't know." She admitted that they are texting "normal stuff."

She agreed to MC, and I set it up. Our first appointment is tonight. I don't know what to think. I tried explaining to her what I was going through, but it seemed like begging to her. I said that I'm not being weak, that I'm actually getting stronger everyday, that I regret what I did and that I hurt her and am trying to win back her heart and save our marriage and family.

Over at Marriage Builders, I was advised to use a VAR. I didn't pick up any conversations, so I put it in the car since she uses speakerphone and voice to text while driving. I don't know how into the EA she is, or if she is having a PA.

I'm blaming myself for this. I haven't been right for a while. I told her that the man I was and the reasons why she fell in love with me are still there, that I am healing everyday.

I just don't know what to do, and I feel like she is checking out of our marriage.

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post #2 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: My fault

I think your wife is incredibly hurt by your actions and her trust is broken. It will take time to heal but her willingness to go to MC suggests that there is still hope.
When a woman's heart is broken like that she will not rush back into the relationship. You will have to prove to her that you will never do that again, you will never let her down again.
I think you are on the right path but you need to give the process time and you need to give your wife time to heal and grow with you.
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post #3 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My fault

I am adamant that to myself and to my wife that I will never hurt her again and that I want to regain trust.

I don't know how to deal with an OM influencing her decisions. I am thankful and hopeful about the MC, though I don't know how it can work if she is beginning a relationship with another man.

I hate myself for what I put her through and am afraid I may lose my wife, and our family be broken over it.
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post #4 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: My fault

In my experience, MC is a complete waste of time and money, and just like MB is designed to separate your money from your wallet, but MC is ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS if there is an ongoing A. At this point, you really need to be snooping to find out exactly what your W's cheating status is at the moment. Has it gone from only an EA to a full blown PA, and then act accordingly.

If it is still in the EA category, you may have a chance to save your M if BOTH of you want it, but if it's already crossed over into the PA category, you might as well schedule a visit with an attorney, because your W has already checked out, which sounds to be the case based on her responses.
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post #5 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: My fault

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
I think your wife is incredibly hurt by your actions and her trust is broken. It will take time to heal but her willingness to go to MC suggests that there is still hope.
When a woman's heart is broken like that she will not rush back into the relationship. You will have to prove to her that you will never do that again, you will never let her down again.
I think you are on the right path but you need to give the process time and you need to give your wife time to heal and grow with you.
Her willingness to see a MC doesn't mean squat.

This could be a delay tactic for her to try the OM on for size.

Seen it too many times.
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post #6 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: My fault

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Originally Posted by DamagedGuy View Post
I am adamant that to myself and to my wife that I will never hurt her again and that I want to regain trust.

I don't know how to deal with an OM influencing her decisions. I am thankful and hopeful about the MC, though I don't know how it can work if she is beginning a relationship with another man.

I hate myself for what I put her through and am afraid I may lose my wife, and our family be broken over it.
If she's in a relationship -- whether EA or PA -- with another man, MC will be a complete waste of both your time and your money.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My fault

I feel sick about it all. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyway of getting her phone, and she isn't using her laptop. Unless I pick up something on the VAR, I have no idea what is going on with her and anyone else.

I want to fight for her, though it will be difficult if she is getting involved with another. I'm also on disability, and cannot walk or stand like I used to, and can't work, or drive yet.

If we split for good, not only will I feel great sorrow, I don't have anywhere to go. Out sons lives will be disrupted. If we turn the house back into a duplex and agree to stay in each side, I will see her car gone over night if she is seeing someone, or eventually see his car or even him.

It is hellish...
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post #8 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: My fault

I don't think she should have taken your suggestion for a separation so seriously. You were dealing with deep trauma and just coming off pain killers. I'm also coming off an injury and I know how much the pain killers mess with your mind. I got off of those ASAP. She seems to have reverted to getting an OM so quickly, it makes me think that she was seeing him before you asked for the separation.

She seems to be checked out and I'm not sure why she would accept marriage counseling now. It will be interesting to see what she does and how she responds. Maybe suggest that the two of you go away for a week just to be together and reconnect.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: My fault

So why exactly did you tell her you wanted to separate?

What did the VAR pick up? Does she know you used one?

If I found out my hb had recorded me we'd be over.
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post #10 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My fault

She had asked before the separation of we could do that when I get personal injury money. After telling her I was in crisis and want to save our marriage, I said that I want to go away with her.

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post #11 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: My fault

What a mess. So go to MC tonight, tell the MC first off that you screwed up BUT that your wife has now gotten a taste of being single and you're not sure whether this is going to work. Make it clear to MC that you're willing to keep going to MC, but ONLY if your wife commits to no talking to any other men while you two do it. See what happens. That will help keep this MC session from being a 'beat up on DG Guy' session.
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post #12 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: My fault

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What a mess. So go to MC tonight, tell the MC first off that you screwed up BUT that your wife has now gotten a taste of being single and you're not sure whether this is going to work. Make it clear to MC that you're willing to keep going to MC, but ONLY if your wife commits to no talking to any other men while you two do it. See what happens. That will help keep this MC session from being a 'beat up on DG Guy' session.
THIS. I also think MC is a waste with her talking to other guys, but do the one appt anyway. See what she says.

I don't know about other women, but if my husband told me he wanted to separate, I certainly wouldn't take that to mean I had permission to go out and immediately start screwing around!! What the hell was her rush? Has she never heard of 'in sickness and in health'??

You say YOU would have nowhere to go. Well, news flash - if SHE is cheating it is SHE who needs to get the hell out. NOT you.

Where exactly does this personal injury money factor in? She's probably just agreeing to whatever you say right now till she can get her paws on THAT. I'd take everything she says - EVERYTHING - with a gigantic grain of salt right now.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #13 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My fault

I separated because my mind and heart were literally confused, my memory wasn't working correctly, and I was going through periods of depression, numbness, and paranoia.

Before the accident, I did not want to be separated from my wife. After shocking myself with what I did, still loving her and missing her, reading about my symptoms, I gained clarity.

I have not reviewed the VAR from the car yet. The other times, it picked up nothing, but I know she was texting.
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post #14 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: My fault

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What the hell was her rush? Has she never heard of 'in sickness and in health'??

:i agree:

Absolutely!!

Just what did she think marriage was about? Ooooooh let the good times roll. Party party party! Oh, what's that? You have a problem. Excuse me while I step out and have some more fun. Don't stay up. I'll be in late.
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post #15 of 354 (permalink) Old 06-01-2017, 06:21 PM
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Re: My fault

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I feel sick about it all. I don't know what to do. I don't have anyway of getting her phone, and she isn't using her laptop. Unless I pick up something on the VAR, I have no idea what is going on with her and anyone else.

I want to fight for her, though it will be difficult if she is getting involved with another. I'm also on disability, and cannot walk or stand like I used to, and can't work, or drive yet.

If we split for good, not only will I feel great sorrow, I don't have anywhere to go. Out sons lives will be disrupted. If we turn the house back into a duplex and agree to stay in each side, I will see her car gone over night if she is seeing someone, or eventually see his car or even him.

It is hellish...
Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and do what it says to do. The plan in the book is the best chance you have of getting your marriage back to where you want it.

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