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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-15-2012, 06:12 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Urgent advice needed

I moved out in May for a week, she asked me to come back, said it would not happen again.

She says she does love me but cannot stop seeing him.

I kept asking her why she has done this, that she cannot love me, why keep this marriage going. She says she still loves me and wants it to work. Yeah I know, before anyone reads this and replies, I know how stupid that sounds.

The term cake eater describes her perfectly. I can actually understand her wanting to escape from she perceived as my failure and the resulting pain it caused her. I do understand that. What I cannot understand is the lies, the constant bull sh*t and carrying on behind my back. Why not just end it? That really is the question I need answered. I guess I will have to answer it myself, for both of us.
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:16 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by warlock07 View Post
I am dumbstruck on how much the OP was willing to be stepped over. Doormat is not even close enough to describe the situation
As I have said and I know it sounds bizarre and stupid, at first I thought it was right that I was punished and that if I could show her I was still here for her it would stop. It was completely the wrong approach and all it did was allow her to carry on and mess with my head even more.

Plainly it took a long time for me to see the light, but when you truly love someone, even when you have seen the very worst of them, you will try anything and take almost any punishment. I have never run from a fight, and it seemed like something I had to do.

Things were very good before all of this, I just wanted them back, but did not know how to do it. I wish I had found this site before. I cannot understand why in years of trawling the web I did not.

Anyway, decisions are made now.
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:20 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by takeing-my-life-back View Post
I moved out in May for a week, she asked me to come back, said it would not happen again.

She says she does love me but cannot stop seeing him.

I kept asking her why she has done this, that she cannot love me, why keep this marriage going. She says she still loves me and wants it to work. Yeah I know, before anyone reads this and replies, I know how stupid that sounds.

The term cake eater describes her perfectly. I can actually understand her wanting to escape from she perceived as my failure and the resulting pain it caused her. I do understand that. What I cannot understand is the lies, the constant bull sh*t and carrying on behind my back. Why not just end it? That really is the question I need answered. I guess I will have to answer it myself, for both of us.

We all hold a 50-50 responsibility for a marriage whether it's good or bad. Now it's good that you have accepted your share the responsibility but and it's a big but that's no excuse for her affair. After the first D-day you attempted to change and offered her a second chance and all she did was Spit in your face and take advantage of your compassion and generosity. And she did the same thing over and over and over again. This woman has lost respect for you my friend her only interest is keeping her piece of tail on the side while she pretends to have a happy-go-lucky marriage. She's someone who's more interested in not being labeled adulterer then helping you deal with your pain and recovering your marriage.

The only way you're going to ever recover be that on your own or with her is to get away. She's on a dangerous path of selfishness and is beyond your help it's up to her to make the changes to fix your marriage you've done everything you can it's time to move on. My words may sound harsh and even cruel and that is not my intent but the point needs to be made you've done everything you can the rest is up to her. Get on with your life my friend you deserve a whole lot better.
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:24 AM   #19 (permalink)
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We all hold a 50-50 responsibility for a marriage whether it's good or bad. Now it's good that you have accepted your share the responsibility but and it's a big but that's no excuse for her affair. After the first D-day you attempted to change and offered her a second chance and all she did was Spit in your face and take advantage of your compassion and generosity. And she did the same thing over and over and over again. This woman has lost respect for you my friend her only interest is keeping her piece of tail on the side while she pretends to have a happy-go-lucky marriage. She's someone who's more interested in not being labeled adulterer then helping you deal with your pain and recovering your marriage.

The only way you're going to ever recover be that on your own or with her is to get away. She's on a dangerous path of selfishness and is beyond your help it's up to her to make the changes to fix your marriage you've done everything you can it's time to move on. My words may sound harsh and even cruel and that is not my intent but the point needs to be made you've done everything you can the rest is up to her. Get on with your life my friend you deserve a whole lot better.
Thank you oldmittens.

My mind is made up. Truthfully for the last week I have been looking at this site and came to the same conclusion. I am angry but I feel empowered for the first time in years. I am going to ask the OMW to call my wife when I get back. I want to welcome her back to reality, where other people exist.
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:24 AM   #20 (permalink)
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As I have said and I know it sounds bizarre and stupid, at first I thought it was right that I was punished and that if I could show her I was still here for her it would stop. It was completely the wrong approach and all it did was allow her to carry on and mess with my head even more.

Plainly it took a long time for me to see the light, but when you truly love someone, even when you have seen the very worst of them, you will try anything and take almost any punishment. I have never run from a fight, and it seemed like something I had to do.

Things were very good before all of this, I just wanted them back, but did not know how to do it. I wish I had found this site before. I cannot understand why in years of trawling the web I did not.

Anyway, decisions are made now.
Love can blind us to all sorts of things especially things that may bring that love into doubt. But you've already done the best thing you can do you've opened your eyes. Don't falter now do what needs to be done and expose to OMW separate finances and file for divorce. Give her the wake-up call she desperately needs.
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Old 01-15-2012, 06:32 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Expose and divorce.
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Old 01-15-2012, 08:34 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Urgent advice needed

In your first post you mentioned my signature below. Continuing in your present marriage IS living by a lie. A lie which gives her sexual gratification with another man. A lie that you have the power to end once and for all.

So which of the two do you prefer to live by? A dream or a lie?
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Old 01-15-2012, 08:58 AM   #23 (permalink)
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In your first post you mentioned my signature below. Continuing in your present marriage IS living by a lie. A lie which gives her sexual gratification with another man. A lie that you have the power to end once and for all.

So which of the two do you prefer to live by? A dream or a lie?
You know the answer to that!

I have been talking to her today, mentioned her being lost in the fog. She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.

I was surprised at her answer. Previously in the week I told her she had been manipulating and controlling me. Telling me lies abusing me. I told her that it was no different to domestic abuse. Today she said she agreed that was how it was but had never thought of it like that before. I think it really got to her.

I just recorded her. I asked questions about the affair and mentioned the OMW by name. She was upset to talk about it. I will play the recording to the OMW tomorrow.
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Old 01-15-2012, 09:38 AM   #24 (permalink)
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You know the answer to that!

I have been talking to her today, mentioned her being lost in the fog. She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.

I was surprised at her answer. Previously in the week I told her she had been manipulating and controlling me. Telling me lies abusing me. I told her that it was no different to domestic abuse. Today she said she agreed that was how it was but had never thought of it like that before. I think it really got to her.

I just recorded her. I asked questions about the affair and mentioned the OMW by name. She was upset to talk about it. I will play the recording to the OMW tomorrow.
TMLB By your own account she has done this before saying whatever has to be said and doing whatever has to be done to make yourself out to be the victim and to continue the affair. Do not change course to not let her manipulate you. Real hard consequences are the only thing that is going to put an end to this affair. Recording her was a smart move exposure is what's best for everyone involved even your wife and the OM. Severe consequences is the only thing that will get her out of the fog.
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Old 01-15-2012, 09:58 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Never be sorry you investigated to find out what was going on in your own marriage. There are no secrets between a man and wife.

Also, if you read enough threads here, your best chance at saving your marriage, is to let the the OMW know as soon as possible. Not always but almost always, the OM throws the cheating wife under the bus to savehis marriage and stay with the kids.

Its like your wife said, all he wants is between her legs.

Good luck, make absolutely sure you don't tell your wife before you do it. She will warn OM and he will tell his wife you are just a jealous nut or make up some great story to tell her.
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Old 01-15-2012, 10:25 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Wow - OldMittens is giving you amazing advice - listen well to him.

You need to understand your wife is going to fight hard and be angry because she has become accustomed to cake-eating or putting it another way:

Being completely free to have sex and time with this married OM whenever she wants and without consequence.

she expects to be able to have complete freedom without remorse to meetup with him whenever she wants too.

why - because you've not fully followed through on your stopping her. You foolishly backed off monitoring (well sort of), you came back after escaping, etc.

She is going to see this as just another attempt to stop her, but one that she can ride out and ignore in the end.

You must show her that it's real this time. That you WILL never return to the status quo.

I think after you expose, you should also be handing divorce papers to her.

She really must understand this time that it's the end.

AND DO NOT HINT OR WARN EITHER OF THEM FIRST!
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Old 01-15-2012, 11:19 AM   #27 (permalink)
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She is going to see this as just another attempt to stop her, but one that she can ride out and ignore in the end.

You must show her that it's real this time. That you WILL never return to the status quo.

I think after you expose, you should also be handing divorce papers to her.

She really must understand this time that it's the end.

AND DO NOT HINT OR WARN EITHER OF THEM FIRST!

This is spot on!
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Old 01-15-2012, 11:29 AM   #28 (permalink)
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She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.
Don't take her back because she hates the OM now. Don't take her back when she cries in self pity. They are self serving
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Old 01-15-2012, 11:44 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Thank you all, I will not change my mind, nor will I tell them anything in advance.

The trouble is, I do not want a divorce, although my head tells me I should. I am not going to tell her that though. I will in fact tell her I intend to start divorce proceedings and take it from there.

Ultimately I know where this will end, but I have fought so long for the marriage it still feels like giving in right now. Head says one thing, heart another. Head will rule. First I think I need to see how she takes all of this.
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Old 01-15-2012, 11:47 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by takeing-my-life-back View Post
Y
I have been talking to her today, mentioned her being lost in the fog. She agreed it was like that and was an addiction. I asked her how he felt about her, she said he probably thinks of her as an easy f*ck.

Today she said she agreed that was how it was but had never thought of it like that before. I think it really got to her.
btw - I don't think either of this is a break through. I think it is just her saying stuff to keep you busy and thinking you're working on ending the affair.

She's happy cake eating and there is no, zip, zero, nada downside for her.
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