Wife has been having a full on affair for 3 years. It's been on and off, a gap of nearly a year in between with no sex but certainly contact as they work together.
I found out due to suspicions I had and some tracking software. Wife constantly lied to me and told me it's over, only for me to find out a few months later that it was still on. Love my wife and constantly wanted to save the marriage.
She felt I was not committed and dis respecting her after I lost my job. I was diagnosed with depression. Working again for two years now.
I have mailed the OM twice during this period asking him to stop. The second time I threatened to expose him. He moved departments within the company to a town about 40 miles away. He lives 90 miles away.
Caught them again November. 3 hours in a cheap motel. I moved out but we spoke and tried to work things out. I moved back in.
Seems she now see's him every 6 weeks or so. Initially it was several times a week. Says he makes her fell better about life. I got into deby when not working, all my fault and paying it off slowly.
I understand her reasons for starting it. I do not understand her reasons for carrying it on and telling me so many lies. Until I came to this site anyway.
They tried to stop when he and his partner had a baby. My wife did all the chasing and got him back again. She says they cannot stop!
After lurking here a few days I have had an awakening. Everything she has said and done has been listed here. Every lie every falsehood is all here already.
I have had enough. Will fight for the marriage until my dying breath, but only if she will. I want to tell the OMW. Know where they live and planning it tomorrow. I know it will cause her massive pain.
This is not for revenge, I am way past that. I want the truth to be out. Any R has to be based on total truth for everyone.
Have 2 kids, one of which knows a very little amount of what has happened and is messed up from it. For my part have been crushed to nothing more times than I can remember but have risen up each time. Felt suicidal often. Went to MC but a waste of time.
Now feel stronger than ever, want my life back, any life will do, even one without her but do still wish to try. As she says, for 90% of the time we are very good together. I enjoy her company, would be happy just being with her.
Know she has lived out fantasies with him, have seen texts, videos, the lot.
But as someone said here, want to live a dream not a lie.
Not in North America, laws very wife centred here. Need advice, but please no flaming, don't need that from this place.
The advice is usually to expose the affair to as many people as possible.... to your parents, her parents, OMW, even OM's parents. And so forth. The idea is that affairs do not do well when they are out in the open.
OM will be dealing with his own marriage and is more likely to end contact with your wife.
Thank you EleGirl. Everything I read here has almost convinced me of it.
The trouble is I don't want to cause this woman pain. I think she may have had a similar problem with her ex husband. I drove down there late November, waited to go in. I saw a childs birthday balloon in the window and could not bring myself to do it.
She's in love with him. So what if the other man's wife finds out? you found out and nothing really happened, the same I suspect will be between him and his wife.
If you're serious about saving your marriage it first has to start with your wife losing feelings for that man. Even if they have no contact the feelings will still be there and it will just turn into resentment towards you. And as proven already, time and time again she goes back to him.
When an OMW is told about the affair, the OM usually throws the unfaithful wife under the bus in order to save his marriage. So telling the OMW might just achieve this in your situation for you. Remember, it is not the truth that will devastate her, but her husband's actions of betrayal.
Dear TMLB,
You are right to stop the lies. I'm so sorry that you had to got through this. How strong you are to survive the whole videos/fantasy thing, intact.
You should not put up with this any longer. She has no respect for you as a man and no respect for herself for continuing it in your face. I fear she is able to indulge herself in this
I agree with complexity though that telling the OMW won't accomplish anything. She probably had the child just to see if it wouldn't "fix" things so in a way she probably already knows that their marriage is broken.
Just get out. Get your strength back and live some of your life. When she sorts out her problems and her addiction to this fantasy she has concocted with this guy maybe then you'll be both on equal footing and can start dating. In the meantime, you need to honor your own self and go LIVE YOUR LIFE.
You are obviously a man that believes in commitment and are very strong. You seem to be very grounded and I love that you aren't just throwing venom at her when you write about her. That shows maturity. She obviously isn't very emotionally mature.
Fight the good fight. The one for yourself.
BTW if you have the "videos" and all the details....courts do not look kindly on that kind of behaviour. They will consider that cruelty.
Complexity - intersting what you have said. I have accused her of being in love with him in the beginning. I am certain tht was true but not so sure now. She says it is a fantasy an escape. She holds massive resentment for me for getting into debt and felt I had left all the burdens on her. I can understand that totally.
Now they seem to be almost like F buddies. I am ready for the 180, in every way.
Morituri - I understand what you are saying. I still feel terrible about doing it, but feel I have to.
Thruhellandback - I have not really survived this intact. For a long while I actually thought it was right that I was punished by her. I reliase that was very stupid. I have also been to hell and back, I am not going back to that dark place.
The OM was about 6 months into a relationship, maybe a year not sure with his partner, they are not married. The child they have -she has two others from her previous marriage, is the apple of his eye. He would never leave her and my wife knows that. She has said this often enough.
I am ready for what ever happens, D or R, but R will be very hard. There are so many things that have happened that I cannot even mention here. I have been used in ways that disgust me. Plus I know the rarely used protection and she lived out some of her fantasies.
Well I am down there tomorrow. I will update afterwards.
Telling OMW is the best thing you can do it's your best chance at ending the affair. I'm a little confused about a few things though. How long is the affair been going on since D-Day? (Discovery day) has she stated that she is unwilling to end it? also you mentioned that the affair stopped for a year why did she stop it Was it cause she wanted to try to fix your marriage or did the other man dump her? Does she know you know she's seen him again? Sorry for the barrage of questions just just trying to understand your situation. your wife sounds like a confused and selfish person and you need to stand up to her exposing to the OMW is a great first step but it's just the first of many. Good luck you don't deserve this nobody does.
Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R.
You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage.
Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.
Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R.
You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage.
Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.
Telling OMW is the best thing you can do it's your best chance at ending the affair. I'm a little confused about a few things though. How long is the affair been going on since D-Day? (Discovery day) has she stated that she is unwilling to end it? also you mentioned that the affair stopped for a year why did she stop it Was it cause she wanted to try to fix your marriage or did the other man dump her? Does she know you know she's seen him again? Sorry for the barrage of questions just just trying to understand your situation. your wife sounds like a confused and selfish person and you need to stand up to her exposing to the OMW is a great first step but it's just the first of many. Good luck you don't deserve this nobody does.
Heres the worst of it. Due to having suspicions for a couple of months I installed software on her phone. I know it was wrong but at the time I felt I had no choice. I knew something was going on but not with who. By March 2009 we were at MC. Here I confessed I had been reading her texts. The councillor diagnosed me as controlling and suggested I go to therapy. My Doctor Diagnosed me as depressed and told me that therapy would do me no good. Told me not to listen to the councillor and try to find an alternative one.
So First D-day was March 2009. She said it would end. I stopped tracking and reading her texts. It did not stop. I found out in July. Again she promised to stop, But did not. His baby was born in November 2009. Then I am 90% certain it stopped for nearly a year. He broke it off. I got a new job and worked away during the week. My paranoia got the better of me and installed tracking software on her phone again and in September 2010 It stated again, possibly started before this but I don't know.
I came back and stated working down here. Told her what I knew. She said it was a one off, but it happened at least 2 times in late 2010. Then I tracked here again in May 2011 to a hotel, got there and phoned them both. She came out, we argued and I drove home, ready to go. She came back home almost immediately, lied and said they just meet to talk. I agreed to try again. Then caught them again in November. She confessed all, said they could not stop and that had seen him 5 -6 times in 2011. Seems the logistics are the only thing in the way for them.
As I said, at first I was in a very dark place, stopped being a big fish in a big pond at work and was unemployed. I felt she was right to resent me and could understand the need to seek some kind of solace elsewhere. I actually felt it was right to be punished in some way for letting her down, for tracking her etc. I now that was wrong, but at the time I felt the problem was all me.
So several D days. But no more for me now. I have had enough.
Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R.
You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage.
Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.
I have seriously considered this and feel it's the only way forward. But in spite of all this I love her still.
When I asked her recently if ever thought I was resentful of her, she said no, why would you? She is lost in her fantasy, with almost no thought for anyone else. She chases him, pleading to meet. Would do anything for him and anything to protect him, but knows he would not leave his partner for her.
Pain is inevitable, no matter which one you choose, D or R.
You are nowhere near R and until she ends her affair for good, establishes NC and commits to doing the hard work for R, you will continue living in a one sided open marriage.
Frankly I would recommed you filing for divorce for your own peace of mind and personal recovery.
I think there is very little chance of R in your case. For an effective R, she has to will and sustain the efforts. Sorry for your pain and agony.
Heres the worst of it. Due to having suspicions for a couple of months I installed software on her phone. I know it was wrong but at the time I felt I had no choice. I knew something was going on but not with who. By March 2009 we were at MC. Here I confessed I had been reading her texts. The councillor diagnosed me as controlling and suggested I go to therapy. My Doctor Diagnosed me as depressed and told me that therapy would do me no good. Told me not to listen to the councillor and try to find an alternative one.
So First D-day was March 2009. She said it would end. I stopped tracking and reading her texts. It did not stop. I found out in July. Again she promised to stop, But did not. His baby was born in November 2009. Then I am 90% certain it stopped for nearly a year. He broke it off. I got a new job and worked away during the week. My paranoia got the better of me and installed tracking software on her phone again and in September 2010 It stated again, possibly started before this but I don't know.
I came back and stated working down here. Told her what I knew. She said it was a one off, but it happened at least 2 times in late 2010. Then I tracked here again in May 2011 to a hotel, got there and phoned them both. She came out, we argued and I drove home, ready to go. She came back home almost immediately, lied and said they just meet to talk. I agreed to try again. Then caught them again in November. She confessed all, said they could not stop and that had seen him 5 -6 times in 2011. Seems the logistics are the only thing in the way for them.
As I said, at first I was in a very dark place, stopped being a big fish in a big pond at work and was unemployed. I felt she was right to resent me and could understand the need to seek some kind of solace elsewhere. I actually felt it was right to be punished in some way for letting her down, for tracking her etc. I now that was wrong, but at the time I felt the problem was all me.
So several D days. But no more for me now. I have had enough.
So it was May 2011 when you moved out? and for how long?
Has she said that she doesn't love you anymore?
I have to agree with what a few others have said here your wife sounds remorseless and cold and it doesn't look like you have much chance for a successful recovery. you need to expose to the OMW and begin separating finances start the 180. You need to show her that you won't be her doormat anymore and that you want monogamy or nothing at all.
I must say the story boggles my mind I don't understand why your wife simply doesn't leave you or end the affair. She is the very definition of a cake eater and I've never been able to understand those people. Stay strong my friend go over the resources you can find on this site and start focusing on yourself you're not to blame for this no matter how much she wants to believe that.
Urgent advice needed 
