Having hard time coping with things

NatashaYurino · 01-16-2012, 12:43 AM

I am having a hard time coping with my boyfriend's infidelity. Sorry it's very long.

Let me give you guys an idea: My long time bf has cheated on me while a bit drunk, I don't believe it makes things excusable but that is how it happened.

We have been together for four years now and had been talking about marriage. We are (or at least we were) certain that marriage is going to happen, it's only a matter of when.

I live in in the US but I am actually from Brazil and bf is American. While I was back home visiting my family he went to a party with some friends and had a drunken one-night stand with another woman.

Nothing like this had happened before. I know that because he and I are almost inseparable ever since we started dating. He claims that lust and the alcohol got the best of him and he gave in. He said before they finished, if you know what I mean, it donned on him what he was doing and he stopped not long after they started.

There is a part of me that wants to give him a chance because he has many redeeming qualities to him. He is the most caring man I have ever met, he is very attentive and loving to me and to our relationship, he has never given a reason to doubt his honesty and fidelity (until now of course), he also maintains a fair distance from other women (girls he knows are attracted to him) and demands respect for our relationships.

One of the most wonderful things he did for me was to stop going to strip clubs with his friends. He knows my views on STs for men and for women in relationships. He used to go a few times with his friends when him and I were just friends, but he said that since we were dating he wasn't going to visit them anymore, becasue he knew STs bother. And he did it without me asking him to.

Yet there is a part of me that feels like giving him a second chance is just letting him getting away with murder. I fear it will make him see me as a weak woman.

You know, that type of woman you can walk all over her because she lets you. I mean, "if she took after the first time she will take you back the second, the third and so on..." line of thought.

I am having conflicting feelings right now. He seems very honest and sincere in his regret and sorrow. I have to mention that had him not been honest with me I would never have found out. So maybe he might actually be sorry it happened.

After all, he could have kept the secret and done many more times. He did not tell right away after I came back. He told me a month later. I actually notice how depressed and melancholic he had been for that whole month.

He told he did not know how to start with his confession and that's why it took him a month to gather the courage to tell me.

He cried a lot (I only saw him cry before in very bad and rare situations) and he also threw up a lot after he told me. He said his stomach felt really awful the whole day with fear and anxiety.

His brother, to whom he confessed what happened that same night, told me he had not eaten right and slept much for the whole month. I did notice he was sick-looking when we met at the airport.

He told me he is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our relationship and my trust in him. He is also being very open about it and willing to talk to me whenever I need to.

In other words he is taking responsibility for what he did and is not making any chauvinist excuses for it.

I am just having a horrible time with everything. There is a part of me that loves him with all my soul and heart, yet the other part is completely destroyed.

I was never one of those women who is naive enough to believe her man is above making any mistakes. I know he is only human and like anyone else he might have made a really bad choice.

He is very different than the man he usually is, he is very depressed and full of self hatred for what he did. I just don't know how to go about it at the moment.

That's it guys, I guess I just wanted to get this out of my chest.

Thanks for the time and attention!

EleGirl · 01-16-2012, 01:16 AM

I suggest you read the book "Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. It tells a lot of what you will need to do. IF he will, have your fiancé read it as well. If he will do the things the book suggests then I think you have a chance of recovering and this never happening again.

Others will be along to help you as well.

cpacan · 01-16-2012, 05:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NatashaYurino

There is a part of me that wants to give him a chance because he has many redeeming qualities to him. He is the most caring man I have ever met, he is very attentive and loving to me and to our relationship, he has never given a reason to doubt his honesty and fidelity (until now of course), he also maintains a fair distance from other women (girls he knows are attracted to him) and demands respect for our relationships.

One of the most wonderful things he did for me was to stop going to strip clubs with his friends. He knows my views on STs for men and for women in relationships. He used to go a few times with his friends when him and I were just friends, but he said that since we were dating he wasn't going to visit them anymore, becasue he knew STs bother. And he did it without me asking him to.

Yet there is a part of me that feels like giving him a second chance is just letting him getting away with murder. I fear it will make him see me as a weak woman.

You know, that type of woman you can walk all over her because she lets you. I mean, "if she took after the first time she will take you back the second, the third and so on..." line of thought.

I am having conflicting feelings right now. He seems very honest and sincere in his regret and sorrow. I have to mention that had him not been honest with me I would never have found out. So maybe he might actually be sorry it happened.

I understand your conflicting feelings and forgiving can indeed be difficult. Just remember that forgiving is for your own sake - not your partners.

Also remember to let his actions and not his words determine his commitment.

Those were my hard earned experiences. Good luck to you whatever you may decide.

Pit-of-my-stomach · 01-16-2012, 08:37 AM

Im curious, do people view the "didn't finish"/"stopped halfway"/"attack of conscience" excuse as somehow more forgivable or see it differently ?

Seems like one of those things I hear fairly often in the stories I read about what the cheater says. Like everything else a cheater says to justify, rationalize or minimize the cheating it's also a total crock of $hit. Really does it make that much difference in the eyes of the betrayed if somehow your partner says they were unable to finish ?(laughable). Somehow I think it would shed even more sceptism on everything else that they said If I were to hear that...

But I am curious, did that change the scenario in your mind?

NatashaYurino · 01-16-2012, 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pit-of-my-stomach

Im curious, do people view the "didn't finish"/"stopped halfway"/"attack of conscience" excuse as somehow more forgivable or see it differently ?

Seems like one of those things I hear fairly often in the stories I read about what the cheater says. Like everything else a cheater says to justify, rationalize or minimize the cheating it's also a total crock of $hit. Really does it make that much difference in the eyes of the betrayed if somehow your partner says they were unable to finish ?(laughable). Somehow I think it would shed even more sceptism on everything else that they said If I were to hear that...

But I am curious, did that change the scenario in your mind?

And no it did NOT change the scenario at all. He still did something highly sexual with another woman when we agreed that our relationship was to be exclusive, NOT OPEN. So in my eyes he still cheated on me.

CH · 01-16-2012, 05:33 PM

So, the ultimate question is, do you really want to marry a person who has cheated on you?

If it was up to me, I would say leave him. Say thank you for the good times but it's time for the both of us to move on with our lives separately.

Also, don't have sex with him until he gets tested even if he used a condom.

Only you can make the final choice to stay with him or not. Remember, it's for the rest of your life, can you imagine going that long with him and being reminded of what he did for the next 30, 40, 50 or 60 years together.