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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-04-2012, 10:56 PM   #211 (permalink)
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Default Re: When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

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Are you kidding me??? I put in a long post for nothing....
My name is 'nothing', happy to meet you.
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:06 PM   #212 (permalink)
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What the hell is going on here
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:19 PM   #213 (permalink)
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Each WS, like each person the world over, is different. There's no point in lumping them together and saying that they as a group deserve more leniency than they usually get. Some do, and some deserve to have an even bigger book thrown at them. I think most people are perceptive enough to tell the difference.
Maybe I'm just sensitive about it then. I just get the sense that because of a few beh.'s of cheaters, other negative beh.'s are immediately assigned to them.

Reminds me of when I was in high school, girls would get into the most wicked hair pulling fights (of course I'd watch), and it was all over one word "sl*t". No one wants a bad rep.
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:21 PM   #214 (permalink)
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What the hell is going on here
What's with the tongues??? ewwww

I don't like dogs much, slobber, slobber, and stink like heck.
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:23 PM   #215 (permalink)
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My name is 'nothing', happy to meet you.
hardy har har...
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Old 02-04-2012, 11:37 PM   #216 (permalink)
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hardy har har...
Sheeesh! some people.

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Old 02-04-2012, 11:41 PM   #217 (permalink)
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What's with the tongues??? ewwww

I don't like dogs much, slobber, slobber, and stink like heck.
My dog will kick your hamster's ass
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Old 02-05-2012, 12:11 AM   #218 (permalink)
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My dog will kick your hamster's ass
Excuse me, but they're guinea pigs.....and you have no idea what one of my cats did to my neighbour's pit bull, let's just say there was some blood involved. lol
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Old 02-05-2012, 12:16 AM   #219 (permalink)
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Excuse me, but they're guinea pigs.....and you have no idea what one of my cats did to my neighbour's pit bull, let's just say there was some blood involved. lol
Care to give us the gory details?
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Old 02-05-2012, 12:51 AM   #220 (permalink)
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Excuse me, but they're guinea pigs.....and you have no idea what one of my cats did to my neighbour's pit bull, let's just say there was some blood involved. lol
Your cat's blood?

Ok, I'll stop


But have you heard this? What do you call a dog that is lazy and pretty much useless?

Ans: A cat
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Old 02-05-2012, 02:08 AM   #221 (permalink)
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Badblood, I don't think of working as the next Mother Teresa but neither do I believe that she is the incarnation of Irma Grese "The b!tch of Belsen".
I don't think so either, but she isn't exactly Truthful Tess either. If she would come clean, I wouldn't be so irritated.
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Old 02-05-2012, 02:26 AM   #222 (permalink)
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Seriously? Seriously, Working? I ask you about your pride issues and you answer with a litany of your husband's supposed faults. Snoring? House-keeping? Trying to discipline his kids (they are his as well as yours, you know) which he has a perfect right to do. You accuse him of nit-picking, well look at this last post of yours from the perspective of a bystander. YOU are the one nit-picking. And no, you are not telling the truth, you are leaving out some pretty huge facts that if the posters knew, they wouldn't be nearly as supportive. Does he leave the seat up? Not put the cap back on the toothpaste? He obviously is horribly abusive and deserves it when a splendid woman like yourself, f**ks another guy, and choose him over your terrible husband. It amazes me that your poor suffering husband even tried to R.
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Old 02-05-2012, 02:32 AM   #223 (permalink)
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Where did I ever say i was sexually abused????? When my parents separated my father took physcial custody (no arrangement was made)from my mother, and refused to give me back to her for 9 months. I was 9 hours away, and did not see my mother. During this time my sister was born, I only met her when she was about 6 months old. I didn't feel like going into the whole story about my parents custody issues.

Seriously, am I on the stand here? if you don't believe me, why are you reading my posts, are you trying to convince others? Listen, people will come up with their own conclusions, no need to do it for them.

Why didn't I mention that my H. was verbally/emotionally abusive long before my affair? hmmmm, let me think about that, I'm thinking it's because people wouldn't believe me, or they would think I was blame shifting etc. During the last year, obviously it was out of control, so I noticed a lot of things, before that it was more subtle. I think I've given enough examples of my 25 relationship to give the idea that something was very wrong with his behavior. Yeah, I got reactive sometimes, got fed up, did some yelling of my own. I wasn't the best wife by all means, but did I deserve his treatment? Yeah, I couldn't take his snoring, he slept on the couch a lot. But when we R. I told him I would leave the room and sleep on the couch. He was livid every time I left the room, he expected me to sleep with the snoring, he did not want to wear the c-pap machine (and I don't blame him really). He had a lot of resentment towards me for having to sleep on the couch a lot, but it didn't interfere with the intimacy so I thought it wasn't as bad. I tried to sleep in the same bed, put ear plugs in, then as a last resort went to the sofa. I didn't keep a clean enough house for him (his mother was a neat freak, she even ironed face cloths). I'm neat, but I like a lived in house as well. He would be on my ass all the time about dishes, kids toys around, or laundry not put away. The kids love making forts in the living-room with blankets and sofa cusions, he hated this, and I'd argue and say "let them have fun, we'll clean it up later", sometimes he'd let it go, other times he'd rage about it. We were starting to teach them to pick up on their own, not easy though. My thing was do some tidying during the day, and most of it at night when kids were sleeping. He didn't agree with that, and basically ran after them to pick up. He'd sweep the floor about 3-4 times a day, it drove me crazy. I vaccumed every day because he hated things sticking to his feet. He'd come home after work and sweep after I already vaccumed during the day. All I ever said was "I already cleaned the floors" He always had clothes to wear unless I was sick. It's not like he was neglected or lived in filth. It felt like I would never measure up to his expectations. It was very frustrating for both of us, I tried to meet him in the middle at times, other times I said to hell with it, it doesn't make a difference. It's like we were complete opposites in every way.

The pride issue? I'm not 100 percent sure, I think I knew that my husband would never forgive me, and never let go of the anger, hate he had towards me for the affair. It would let up here and there, and then return. The other aspect was that I knew my marriage was done years ago, I could never make him happy, and we both had a lot of resentments. So yeah, exit affair sounds about right. I also had this fantasy that upon R our marriage would change and become better. Even without the affair issue, there were so many other issues between us. I just kept thinking things would change, it got to the point where my kids were hearing so many things, they didn't necessariy understand all of it, but I'm sure my daughter understood more than she lets on, she does not easily talk about emotions, but expresses frustration quite often. My husband would say she is just moody, but there's more to it I realize. I blame my self for a lot, I feel I have ruined my daughter, all because of my wishful thinking and my inability to just end the marriage. I live with that.

I think that after a few weeks of yelling during the beginning of R. we should have taken a break. He still had his apartment. He told me once he regretted that as well.

Yes, my husband was a good man in many ways, he was always generous, and would give the shirt off his back to anyone. Supportive? not so much, did you not read where he laughed at my B's in University? that really stung for me, coming home with his exams and papers throwing it my face and saying "what did you get on that paper'? (we took the same program) He'd say "I got an A, and hardly worked for it". That went on for three years, I said not one word. It made me feel stupid ya know? But he had this need to feel good about himself, and would constantly put me down to bring himself up. I praised him quite often, told him what a great worker he was, told him he was a great father (except for older son), I told him he changed a lot for the two younger children, became more involved in parenting etc. I neglected to tell him enough that he was sexy or attractive ,etc. I realize now he needed to hear that. I told him when he lost weight how good he looked, but he didn't believe me, he'd say he felt fat still. He was never fat, a bit of a stomach maybe. I bugged him sometimes when he'd complain, I'd say to him that he's eating too much chocolate. I thought it was constructive, but he took it as critisism, why complain then.

What were the other questions I never answered? I feel like everyone knows my life, I've had to reveal everything just so it doesn't look like I'm lying.

I came to this forum with the intension of having BS understand what the WS is all about, I thought maybe I could help other BS understand what crazy stuff goes on with us. I wanted people to understand that we're not all run arounds, party girls, we didn't all have a promiscious youth. I wanted to clear the name of some of the good people that made a horrible choice in their life, and destroyed their spouse.

And btw Bad, you've said a lot of mean things to me, and I have never responded to any of them, I don't think you have ever been fair. We can agree to disagree, but please refrain from berating me, and making me look like a liar.
I asked about the sex issue, I never said that you were sexually abused. Re-read my post. I have never been "mean", to you, in any way. When you lie, I call it. When you are passive-aggressive, I call it. When you are fabricating a story, I call it. Don't do those things, and I won't call them.
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Old 02-05-2012, 02:34 AM   #224 (permalink)
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Why do you even care what people think of your postings?
I prefer to be thought harsh, than inaccurate.
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Old 02-05-2012, 08:13 AM   #225 (permalink)
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Where did I ever say i was sexually abused????? When my parents separated my father took physcial custody (no arrangement was made)from my mother, and refused to give me back to her for 9 months. I was 9 hours away, and did not see my mother. During this time my sister was born, I only met her when she was about 6 months old. I didn't feel like going into the whole story about my parents custody issues.

Seriously, am I on the stand here? if you don't believe me, why are you reading my posts, are you trying to convince others? Listen, people will come up with their own conclusions, no need to do it for them.

Why didn't I mention that my H. was verbally/emotionally abusive long before my affair? hmmmm, let me think about that, I'm thinking it's because people wouldn't believe me, or they would think I was blame shifting etc. During the last year, obviously it was out of control, so I noticed a lot of things, before that it was more subtle. I think I've given enough examples of my 25 relationship to give the idea that something was very wrong with his behavior. Yeah, I got reactive sometimes, got fed up, did some yelling of my own. I wasn't the best wife by all means, but did I deserve his treatment? Yeah, I couldn't take his snoring, he slept on the couch a lot. But when we R. I told him I would leave the room and sleep on the couch. He was livid every time I left the room, he expected me to sleep with the snoring, he did not want to wear the c-pap machine (and I don't blame him really). He had a lot of resentment towards me for having to sleep on the couch a lot, but it didn't interfere with the intimacy so I thought it wasn't as bad. I tried to sleep in the same bed, put ear plugs in, then as a last resort went to the sofa. I didn't keep a clean enough house for him (his mother was a neat freak, she even ironed face cloths). I'm neat, but I like a lived in house as well. He would be on my ass all the time about dishes, kids toys around, or laundry not put away. The kids love making forts in the living-room with blankets and sofa cusions, he hated this, and I'd argue and say "let them have fun, we'll clean it up later", sometimes he'd let it go, other times he'd rage about it. We were starting to teach them to pick up on their own, not easy though. My thing was do some tidying during the day, and most of it at night when kids were sleeping. He didn't agree with that, and basically ran after them to pick up. He'd sweep the floor about 3-4 times a day, it drove me crazy. I vaccumed every day because he hated things sticking to his feet. He'd come home after work and sweep after I already vaccumed during the day. All I ever said was "I already cleaned the floors" He always had clothes to wear unless I was sick. It's not like he was neglected or lived in filth. It felt like I would never measure up to his expectations. It was very frustrating for both of us, I tried to meet him in the middle at times, other times I said to hell with it, it doesn't make a difference. It's like we were complete opposites in every way.

The pride issue? I'm not 100 percent sure, I think I knew that my husband would never forgive me, and never let go of the anger, hate he had towards me for the affair. It would let up here and there, and then return. The other aspect was that I knew my marriage was done years ago, I could never make him happy, and we both had a lot of resentments. So yeah, exit affair sounds about right. I also had this fantasy that upon R our marriage would change and become better. Even without the affair issue, there were so many other issues between us. I just kept thinking things would change, it got to the point where my kids were hearing so many things, they didn't necessariy understand all of it, but I'm sure my daughter understood more than she lets on, she does not easily talk about emotions, but expresses frustration quite often. My husband would say she is just moody, but there's more to it I realize. I blame my self for a lot, I feel I have ruined my daughter, all because of my wishful thinking and my inability to just end the marriage. I live with that.

I think that after a few weeks of yelling during the beginning of R. we should have taken a break. He still had his apartment. He told me once he regretted that as well.

Yes, my husband was a good man in many ways, he was always generous, and would give the shirt off his back to anyone. Supportive? not so much, did you not read where he laughed at my B's in University? that really stung for me, coming home with his exams and papers throwing it my face and saying "what did you get on that paper'? (we took the same program) He'd say "I got an A, and hardly worked for it". That went on for three years, I said not one word. It made me feel stupid ya know? But he had this need to feel good about himself, and would constantly put me down to bring himself up. I praised him quite often, told him what a great worker he was, told him he was a great father (except for older son), I told him he changed a lot for the two younger children, became more involved in parenting etc. I neglected to tell him enough that he was sexy or attractive ,etc. I realize now he needed to hear that. I told him when he lost weight how good he looked, but he didn't believe me, he'd say he felt fat still. He was never fat, a bit of a stomach maybe. I bugged him sometimes when he'd complain, I'd say to him that he's eating too much chocolate. I thought it was constructive, but he took it as critisism, why complain then.

What were the other questions I never answered? I feel like everyone knows my life, I've had to reveal everything just so it doesn't look like I'm lying.

I came to this forum with the intension of having BS understand what the WS is all about, I thought maybe I could help other BS understand what crazy stuff goes on with us. I wanted people to understand that we're not all run arounds, party girls, we didn't all have a promiscious youth. I wanted to clear the name of some of the good people that made a horrible choice in their life, and destroyed their spouse.

And btw Bad, you've said a lot of mean things to me, and I have never responded to any of them, I don't think you have ever been fair. We can agree to disagree, but please refrain from berating me, and making me look like a liar.

Working,

You know I have never held back in my comments and I won't do so now. You also should realize by now that everything I say is meant to be constructive so please take my post as such.

A lot of what you describe here is covered in "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love Busters" and a book only I seem to recommend on here called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". I snored badly for years. I went to many different doctors for many years until it was finally cured. My wife never left our bed nor did she even hint that I should. If one of your husband's primary needs was Domestic Support and you weren't fulfilling that need it's not surprising there was conflict. If he was engaging in Disrespectful Judgments that is a love buster that can certainly put a strain on a marriage. Unfortunately all I see here are solvable issues that unfortunately did not get addressed until you had your exit affair. Yes, that's what I feel you did even if you aren't aware of it consciously. While these things do not make a good marriage I do not consider them emotional abuse. What I did to my wife WAS emotional abuse and yet we managed to work beyond it and are very very happy today.

As for the pride issues...I think there is a lot of that present. I think it's reinforced with resentment from the unresolved issues in your marriage pre-affair but I think you are very prideful. Pride is not necessarily an inherently bad quality but it is if it is an impediment to a fulfilling and happy life. You and your husband loved each other at one time. You know there were good and happy times during your marriage. Personally I think that right now you are enjoying the respite that comes with not having to work on your marriage and walk around on eggshells. Unfortunately those things come with the territory when you try to reconcile after an affair. I still think you are an intelligent strong woman and you will get through this period in your life. But the peace you are now experiencing will, in my opinion, give way to sadness and loneliness and I think you and your husband are going to one day look back and realize what you have both lost due to stubbornness and pride. I believe that you and he are going to be in the 80% that regret their divorce and wish they had chosen another path.
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