Last week was probably the most difficult week since Dday. My husband was triggering horribly. We're not sure what exactly started it, he says I was pulling away, which could be true. I know he's still insecure as a result of my affair. I don't get mad if he calls me 10 times during the day, or sends endless texts and then worries if I don't answer right away, but he senses a little frustration I think. It can feel at times smothering, and I just need time to myself. He's afraid to leave me alone because of his own fear of what thinks could happen. He has this need to "get into my head" and know what I'm thinking. This mostly happens when triggers are full force.
So he feels me pulling away from him, and he immediately comes to the conclusion that I must be in contact with OM, and planning to move in with him since his wife (apparently) will kicking him out this month. Knowing this is a trigger for him, the whole month will be hell for him I think. No matter what I said to him he could not calm down and think rationally. I understand his fears, and tried to reassure him. He listened to every word I said, and then would pick out certain things that he felt were questionable. He then searched my phone, asked if I had deleted messages (which I didn't). I only delete when phone is full, and he's pretty much the only person I text with. He then finds nothing, heads to the computer, checks email, and as a last resort comes to the forum and reads all my posts (he reads sometimes) looking for something I may have shared about meeting OM. He then reads the one about sex that I wasn't comfortable writing about, he already knew about it, but it didn't help reading it. He flipped out, and basically said a lot of hurtful things..mostly stuff that I had done, but with the added little dig. All the while I am trying to be patient and listen, knowing he was triggering, knowing that it wouldn't last.
It came to a head Sat. night, he said he phoned about an apartment. I was shocked, and asked him if that was what he wanted, that we've come this far, and now give up?
We talked and I told him that I did not want him to leave, I loved him, and reminded that I am sorry for what I did. That it will never happen again, that it made me sick to see him this way. He finally broke down and cried, we both did. We got a lot out, and Sunday was much better.
So, my question is.....how do I help him manage his triggers? I've read some things, but nothing seems to help when he's in this type of state. I need to go over and hug him, but he pushes me away with his anger that's hard. I know I need to do it anyway.
So he feels me pulling away from him, and he immediately comes to the conclusion that I must be in contact with OM, and planning to move in with him since his wife (apparently) will kicking him out this month. Knowing this is a trigger for him, the whole month will be hell for him I think. No matter what I said to him he could not calm down and think rationally. I understand his fears, and tried to reassure him. He listened to every word I said, and then would pick out certain things that he felt were questionable. He then searched my phone, asked if I had deleted messages (which I didn't). I only delete when phone is full, and he's pretty much the only person I text with. He then finds nothing, heads to the computer, checks email, and as a last resort comes to the forum and reads all my posts (he reads sometimes) looking for something I may have shared about meeting OM. He then reads the one about sex that I wasn't comfortable writing about, he already knew about it, but it didn't help reading it. He flipped out, and basically said a lot of hurtful things..mostly stuff that I had done, but with the added little dig. All the while I am trying to be patient and listen, knowing he was triggering, knowing that it wouldn't last.
It came to a head Sat. night, he said he phoned about an apartment. I was shocked, and asked him if that was what he wanted, that we've come this far, and now give up?
We talked and I told him that I did not want him to leave, I loved him, and reminded that I am sorry for what I did. That it will never happen again, that it made me sick to see him this way. He finally broke down and cried, we both did. We got a lot out, and Sunday was much better.
So, my question is.....how do I help him manage his triggers? I've read some things, but nothing seems to help when he's in this type of state. I need to go over and hug him, but he pushes me away with his anger that's hard. I know I need to do it anyway.