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When Triggers Spiral Out of Control....

64K views 395 replies 41 participants last post by  Badblood 
#1 ·
Last week was probably the most difficult week since Dday. My husband was triggering horribly. We're not sure what exactly started it, he says I was pulling away, which could be true. I know he's still insecure as a result of my affair. I don't get mad if he calls me 10 times during the day, or sends endless texts and then worries if I don't answer right away, but he senses a little frustration I think. It can feel at times smothering, and I just need time to myself. He's afraid to leave me alone because of his own fear of what thinks could happen. He has this need to "get into my head" and know what I'm thinking. This mostly happens when triggers are full force.

So he feels me pulling away from him, and he immediately comes to the conclusion that I must be in contact with OM, and planning to move in with him since his wife (apparently) will kicking him out this month. Knowing this is a trigger for him, the whole month will be hell for him I think. No matter what I said to him he could not calm down and think rationally. I understand his fears, and tried to reassure him. He listened to every word I said, and then would pick out certain things that he felt were questionable. He then searched my phone, asked if I had deleted messages (which I didn't). I only delete when phone is full, and he's pretty much the only person I text with. He then finds nothing, heads to the computer, checks email, and as a last resort comes to the forum and reads all my posts (he reads sometimes) looking for something I may have shared about meeting OM. He then reads the one about sex that I wasn't comfortable writing about, he already knew about it, but it didn't help reading it. He flipped out, and basically said a lot of hurtful things..mostly stuff that I had done, but with the added little dig. All the while I am trying to be patient and listen, knowing he was triggering, knowing that it wouldn't last.

It came to a head Sat. night, he said he phoned about an apartment. I was shocked, and asked him if that was what he wanted, that we've come this far, and now give up?

We talked and I told him that I did not want him to leave, I loved him, and reminded that I am sorry for what I did. That it will never happen again, that it made me sick to see him this way. He finally broke down and cried, we both did. We got a lot out, and Sunday was much better.

So, my question is.....how do I help him manage his triggers? I've read some things, but nothing seems to help when he's in this type of state. I need to go over and hug him, but he pushes me away with his anger that's hard. I know I need to do it anyway.
 
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#2 ·
Get him to go to counseling and preferably a counselor who specializes in helping betrayed spouses. I went to one for many months after discovering my ex-wife's affair and it helped me tremendously with helping me deal with the triggers. My counselor specialized in PTSD which helps considering that the trauma is shares many characteristics to the one soldiers experience out in the battlefield.
 
#6 ·
It's the process of the betrayal.

He can work through them in therapy (I am), but they will hit and sometimes they will hit hard. It's hard to explain unless you're in it at that moment.
 
#9 ·
SO TRUE!

Although my husband didn't cheat, he DID LEAVE. It took me the majority of 3 months to really grasp that he's home for good.

The anxiety would get unreal, just thinking and waiting for that shoe to drop.

People who leave/cheat have NO IDEA what the other person goes through emotionally. Give us a break! Gawd...we don't "heal" on your schedule.
 
#12 ·
No I'm not scared to upset him. I actually lost my temper on Sat. I just yelled "leave me alone". It's hard though, I'll tell him exactly where I'm going eg. grocery store, and I'll say I'll be back in 45 min. He'll then respond that I don't have to go into details like that, but then other times he needs them. I can't win.

I don't think I feel "obligated" to have sex with him, I want to feel close to him, on the other hand I feel guilty if I reject him. I feel like I rejected him so much during the affair, and with him moving out. There have been times where I have not been in the mood, and have said it in a manner that he wouldn't feel like he was unwanted, you know that discarded feeling BS's have.
 
#11 · (Edited)
Found the Beowulf's post. How he reacted to the affair initially applies to your husband. Linked here

As dymo said my wife had an affair about 20 years ago. I can tell you it was not easy to overcome.

I am a very logical type of person. I tend to analyze things, break them down and solve them a piece at a time. Some would call it being cold and aloof but its just my nature. That was the problem in my marriage. Whenever my wife and I would confront an issue I would immediately go into problem solving mode and would completely bypass the emotional context that my wife was feeling. Eventually she became disillusioned with our relationship and felt that we really never bonded. In retrospect she did try to talk to me about it but my attitude was that was how I operated and she knew that before we got married.

Her affair started off typically. She was friends with another man and began to confide in him about the state of our marriage. He was married as well and he and his wife were also having problems. Their friendship grew and she said literally before either was aware of it they fell in love with one another. She said the affair became a powerful secret that she and the OM shared. It was the two of them against the world. Their love was so strong and special as if it were meant to be. Yup, she was addicted. A good friend of hers discovered what was going on. She tried to reason with my wife pointing out that while I wasn't a perfect man there was no such thing as a perfect man. She asked her how perfect her lover could be if he was married and having an affair with a married woman. Of course my wife said she didn't understand that their relationship was meant to be. Eventually my wife's friend gave up and cut off all ties with my wife.

One day as she was going to meet with the OM my wife stopped for a minute or two and watched me sitting on the floor playing with our son. I was thoroughly enjoying the time with him and he was in turn laughing and giggling as I played with him and tickled him occasionally. She said that it was then that she realized that I was not the cold and indifferent monster she had convinced herself that I was. She began to cry as she turned to leave to meet the OM. She said she knew then that she needed to end their affair.

When my wife met up with her AP she said that at first he went to hold her since he saw that she was upset. She put her arm out and immediately told him no. She said that they had to end it. She said she was going to tell me about it and beg for forgiveness. She wanted to work on our marriage. At first he was concerned that she was going to disclose the affair but after a few minutes he admitted that he was feeling very guilty and really wanted to end it as well. He said he wanted to work on his marriage too but didn't want to tell his wife what he's done because he said she wouldn't forgive him. My wife said that she would try to not tell me who he was but would not lie to me if I asked. She also said she told him that she would try to convince me to not tell his wife so that he could work on his marriage the way he thought was best but she also said she wouldn't stand in my way if I insisted. That was how they left it.

When she came home I had already put our son to bed. When she had left she told me she was going to visit the friend that had cut off all contact with her. Of course not knowing her friend had cut her off I believed her and when she came home I asked her how her visit had gone. She broke down and cried. I was visibly concerned and moved to hold her. When she recovered enough she told me that she hadn't gone to visit her friend but had gone to meet her lover. I immediately moved away from her and sat in shock and silence. She begged me to forgive her and let her make it up to me. I told her I didn't see how she could make it up to me or how I could ever trust her again. I was the clueless husband and she had made a fool out of me. When she finished I asked her who he was. She said she would prefer not to say but would tell me if she had to. I told her that if she didn't tell me she could pack up and leave right then. She told me. I asked her how long it had been going on. Did she love him. All the questions one would think of. She answered them all without hiding. I told her I needed time to think about all this. I packed a small bag and went to stay in a hotel room for a few days.

While we were apart I began to think about everything. I didn't have access to a site like this so I had to try to figure it out on my own. I decided to give her another chance but she would do things my way and would do everything I said without question. If she wavered I would quickly divorce her. In short I would test her and if she passed we would stay together. I didn't realize it then but I was hoping she failed enough to give me a reason to leave her for good. I really wasn't sure I had the resolve to forgive her and probably figured that if I waited long enough she'd mess up and I could divorce her with a clean conscience.

I went home and told her how it was going to have to be if I gave her another chance. I made sure to put such harsh conditions on her that I never figured she would argue that I was trying to control her and was being unreasonable. She surprised me by agreeing to all of it. The one sticking point she had was that I wanted to tell her lover's wife about what they had done. She tried to explain that she had promised him that there wouldn't be any interference in his marriage as he tried to reconnect with his wife. I thought I found my loophole and said if she didn't go along with it and confront his wife with me we were done. She said she would do whatever it took to fix things including calling his wife if it was necessary.

The next day we called his wife but found out he had already confessed everything to her and they were going to try to work it out as well.For the next few months my wife did almost everything right. She did slip up a few times but nothing that would cause me to question her remorse and desire to reconcile. She did have contact with the OM twice and didn't tell me. This was the closest we came to ending the R. But she explained that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to cause me more pain. I told her that since she broke our trust she had to be completely honest with me even if it hurt me. I then contacted the OM's wife and she confirmed that they had spoken but she knew that nothing had happened and it was probably just a mild setback. In retrospect the OM's wife was dealing with it better than I was. She was genuinely trying to reconcile while I was really just waiting for an excuse to end the marriage. She explained that her H and my W had developed a very strong bond and just like an alcoholic or drug addict it is expected that there will be occasional slips. It was because of her words that I let it slide.

Several months later my wife was still doing all the correct things. She was honest, reassuring, transparent, loving, affectionate, etc. But in my typical logical way I had in effect buried my emotions while waiting for her to screw up. Some months later my emotions came boiling out. I released a tirade against my wife that shocked her to her very core. I said every hurtful thing my injured heart could imagine. I effect I turned into Mr. Hyde. Of course my wife took everything I dished out because she believed she deserved it for betraying me. And the more she took the more I gave. This went on for more than a week until finally she broke down, curled up in a ball and wouldn't move. I realized that I had broken her spirit and her mind and it was only at that moment that I came to my senses and realized what I'd done. To this day I still can't believe the things I said to her. Yes, she had done a terrible thing but what I did in response was also unforgivable.


After that we both shut down for a time. She was afraid I would attack her again and truth be told so was I. Gradually we began to talk and I tried to reassure her that all the things I had said were not true. She didn't believe me and frankly I wouldn't have believed me either. Finally I decided that the only way to address what I'd done was to write her a heartfelt letter. I explained that in response to her hurting me I had said everything I could think of to hurt her. In my pain I began to see her not as my wife but a caricature constructed out of hate, anguish and fear. She ceased being a woman who had made a grievous error and was trying to rectify it and became a horrible creature who had crushed my heart and stolen my future. She became a nightmare that had killed my loving wife. I explained that in my grief I attacked this false construct of my imagination hoping that I could restore my life to some semblance of normalcy. In short, I was temporarily insane.

After that I went about rebuilding my relationship by showing her that I was willing to work just as hard on our relationship as she was and already had been. I knew that I had broken her down so it was my responsibility to build her back up again. I showed her in many small but important ways that I loved her and valued her. It was extremely difficult and it was the hardest thing I have ever done but today I am so thankful that we both committed to each other and did what was right for us. I can also tell you that we still have to continually feed and support our marriage. I consider that a marriage is a living breathing thing and needs to be treated as such. When I read someone post on here that BS should say that as long as there is three in the marriage there is no marriage I have to chuckle a little. My wife and I came to the understanding that in our marriage at least there is always three. There is me, her and us and while each of us can feed and nurture ourselves we both have to feed and nurture us.
 
#13 ·
But this is what happens :( THIS is the outcome of your cheating or leaving or whatever.

He doesn't trust you any more. THAT is the reality.

He is scared shetless of it happening again. THAT is his reality.

Every 'weird' thing you do...did you stay outside emptying the trashcans too long? Did you go to the garage a little too long to JUST be getting a hammer? Did the market trip take a LITTLE too long? These are all the things plaguing his mind and he hates it but he can't help it.

THIS is what happens when you choose to do what you did.

I am not condemning you but he is on such a rollercoaster right now of wanting to trust you, not wanting to trust you...in a limbo with himself. You "can't win" because he's not always thinking the same thing.

I was where your husband is now. I sometiems go back there too. Can't help it. My therapist taught me ways to talk myself down...but it still comes up.
 
#19 ·
This is exactly where I am. I feel sorry for my wife sometimes because she wants to help me but I dont know what to tell her. Sometimes I want to hold her and talk, sometimes have sex, sometimes be mad at her, sometimes I just want to run away.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
I forgot to add that all week he could "smell" OM in the house. Since he knows him, I guess he knows what he smells like. I was really creeped out with that. It was like a ghost was in our home.
Could it be because he associated the house work(and the smell of it) with the OM?

I also bolded out some relevant parts in Quoted message. Maybe your husband can read that.
 
#18 ·
Sounds like your asking about treating the symptoms (triggers?), rather than the cause...

As I think Mori may have mentioned, Its pretty obvious your husband has a pretty serious post tramatic stress disorder.

Everything you've said is textbook. I recall reading some of your other posts and thinking the same thing. Is he seeking treatment?

Some general overview on PTSD and treatment suggestions (how to prevent "triggers") are here
 
#20 ·
You need to get him treatment for Past traumatic stress disorder. His psyche is completely burnt out following the affair and it needs significant time to heel and I think he's now developed severe anxiety issues. Wear it out as much as you can, he will act erratic, say things he doesn't mean and in general make your life hell but that's to be expected following the trauma he underwent.
 
#21 ·
Separate and set him free, that's what I think you should do. Give him a year to decide. Let him live as a free person while you wait with the uncertainty that he might call any day and say he can do better than you after all. You talk that you want to be a true penitent, now walk the walk.

If in the meantime you decide you don't want him, or you fall for someone else, you'll finally have the real name for what you see in the mirror and that it wasn't meant to be anyhow. He'll have to get over it either way.
 
#23 ·
Triggers are deff HELL!!! I feel alot of what your husband is feeling too, good days,bad days...seems like the bad days are coming more frequently, my wife dosent know what to do either....even when I tell what I need, she dosent seem to be able to get the idea that she needs to help me thru this.

Unlike you it seems like my wife wants to rug sweep, doesent want to really talk about our current issues or the pain that I caused in the past,(another rug sweep, which aided us to getting where we are now) which I will not allow any longer....
Trying to get her to understand that we can not go around our problems, we have to face them head on and work thru them.....

I'm praying for you and your husband working, I truly hope you two can work thru this, your posts have helped me in so many ways....
 
#25 ·
Here’s the way I see it and I don’t want to sound too harsh…. But first your H will never be able to fully get through this until he is ready. He can talk to his counselor everyday about everything that triggers his emotions but until he is able to forgive (never forget, because what ever the cause of the infidelity needs to always be remember so as not to go back to the place that lead to the event) and he is willing to let things go and move on, it will never work out with the two of you still being together. I don’t say this as an excuse but I have been there and I am still trying to recover. We are 16 months out from D-day and there are days that my H (who had the PA) can do everything I ask, and everything he should be doing but I still get ‘crazy’ and start to have all of these random thoughts and feelings and sometimes it even takes a few days for me to get through it. However, here’s where I think some things need to be taken into consideration. Just because you have dealt with your issues and seem to be ok with what you done doesn’t mean he is. Remember you have had more time to deal with your choices (from the day you decided to go outside of the marriage, you started dealing with what you were doing.) Your H on the other hand has only had from the time that d-day happened. You have worked through many emotions already and he still has many to go through. Things will either get better and you two will end up in a happy marriage or, and this might be hard to deal with, he may not be able to actually forgive you for what happened and you two might go your separate ways. I don’t know your story and as in most cases the LS has something to do with the DS choosing to go outside of the marriage so by no means am I saying this all lies on your shoulders but the one choice he didn’t make and he had no control of was to have his wife step outside of the marriage. Sometimes, very drastic measures must be taken and if your affair actually happened in the home you share, it might make sense to leave the home. It won’t be a quick decision, but taking the steps to get this going may be something that is necessary. And just know you may be doing everything he needs and asks you to do but there are going to be days (sometimes several at a time) that his emotions are out of control and you just need to love him through them.
 
#27 ·
I'm not ok with what I've done. I was in a lot of denial at the beginning, not realizing the gravity of the destruction I have caused. I am guilt ridden, and ashamed of what I have done.

There are good days and bad days like you say, I agree. I'm not sure separation is the answer though.
 
#28 · (Edited)
No implication that you are ok with your choice only that you have had more time to deal with it...

I personally say keep fighting until there is no more fight left in you. I don't know how long you have been together (sorry if you stated that in earlier posts) but for me I have been with my husband for 26 years of marriage and 29 years altogether. The pain that caused his hurt to go outside of the marriage took years to get there, the pain he caused by going outside of the marriage will probably take years to recover from. My H made a similar statement to me that he would leave now if I didn't think I could ever truly forgive him or if the pain was so hard to bear, but for me, I had to make the decision to want to work through it but he also has to take the good with bad. He enjoys when things are going well and he too suffers when my days are bad, but that is part of what is necessary for recovery. Just continue to remind him daily you want him to be happy whatever that might be.
 
#29 ·
I think I'm just finally breaking down, as though everything is really sinking in now. I'm big at stuffing my emotions, I don't want to bother anyone. This is a big problem, and then it all comes to a head, and I end up cracking.

The last couple of days have been hard for my husband, and I feel sick that he's worried about me like this. He's anxious, and calling every half hour worried that "I'm going to do something", I keep reassuring him that I'm not, that things have just sunk in, and the pain of what has happened to us just overwhelms me at times. We're both very sensitive people and we both know when each of us is not happy, we not only feel it, but we react to it.

Last night I went out with a friend for coffee, and on the way I became disoriented, just for a min and got lost. It's just this weird feeling I have, one minute I'm feeling "flat", the next, I just burst into tears.

The other thing is, I started a stop smoking medication last week, and I'm wondering if I'm feeling the side effects.
 
#30 ·
To me triggers are the way my mind reminds me to keep up my emotional defenses when it perceives a threat,no matter how subtle it may be.To let someone completely back inside the perimeter of my emotions is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with.Though I left my marriage behind there have been situations in newer relationships that triggered emotional wariness because they were similar to what happened when betrayed in my marriage.

I hope you and your husband make it through this,as from your posts it is apparent how remorseful you are and how much you are striving to make your marriage whole again.

Going to therapy helped me some as do these boards when I read how both the wayward and the BS deal with the aftermath.
 
#31 ·
You mentioned that OM broke off with his wife. Is this the reason why your husband has become much more paranoid? Is there anything in particular that is triggering him(other than you obviously). He seems to be losing it. Maybe a week long vacation or a couples retreat?
 
#33 ·
When OM called weeks ago, he said his wife was throwing him out after x-mas. he also said he was getting an apartment in January, so yeah, this is bothering my husband. He still believes to some extent that I will go back to him. Although he says it's only 10 percent. It's enough to trigger him tho. We also have to go to court sometime in the future and sue him for the work he never finished in our basement. Hubby is afraid he might harm him.
 
#34 ·
He let his guard down with you already and it caused him tremendous pain.So he's struggling to do it again when his mind's natural inclination is to protect himself.The struggle to me shows he obviously loves you and is trying to find a way to let go.He,at the very least needs time.
 
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