Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

The title says it all.

I have a long term partner that I have stood by through very serious issues and who I believed I would be spending my life with. Turns out that I'm in a position where I am questioning if I'm the only one that was actually committed to our relationship and believed in those little things called love, loyalty and commitment. Finding out about an online dating profile prominently featuring his photos has been an awesome gift to get. Not surprisingly, I want to take it back and exchange it for something that doesn't suck so bad and hurt so much.

I love my partner. I wouldn't have stuck by him through the hellish past few years when everything and anything did go wrong. I want to believe him when he tells me that it isn't him and that he has no clue what is going on. I want to believe that he loves me, I want to trust him so badly it is screwing with my head. I found out less than 3 days ago and I am up, down and all around. I swing between trusting him and staring at what is pretty much a huge red flag with sirens, whistles and flashing lights - maybe even a flash dance mob.

I confronted him over the dating profile (found by a single friend that was approached by the profile and she then showed it to me) and he denies it is him and that he has no explanation for it. His best idea is that someone has hacked his old profile to catfish people since:

It is the old dating profile and the pics are the same ones that were on it when we first met (whatever, that was a long time ago and I don't recognise all the photos even if they are old)
The profile approached one of my friends and why would he do that? (I don't think he'd recognise this friend of mine if he met her in person much less saw a pic on a dating site)
He has written emails to the dating site demanding the profile be deleted and reported it to whichever other agency is available for fraud and identity theft.

He was angry with me for not trusting him and for taking this profile seriously. Then he was kind, gentle and saying that he didn't blame me for being upset because this certainly appears as if he is cheating and that he will work with me to get past this, to do what he can to prove it's not him and to remain in our relationship because he loves me and wants to spend his life me with. Then I get angry and he flares up and says that I need to stop accusing him and acting like I don't have faith in him. In other words, he is angry that I am so quick to believe he is cheating and not giving him the benefit of the doubt when he is doing what he can to prove this profile is no longer under his control. I have been cheated on in the past by a long term ex and I walked. No hesitation, no regrets and no entertaining the idea of reconciliation - the relationship was broken, trust was lost and I wouldn't play the fool for any longer. I went to counselling. I learnt to communicate better, listen to my partner and temperature test the relationship on a gentle but regular basis. I thought I had found someone that had the same values as me when I met my current partner.

But in this current situation, I just don't know what to think. I didn't find any apps on his phone or incriminating texts etc directly linking him to this. This is a situation where an "active" dating profile that was approaching women as late as Saturday night has his photos and the same old lines that attracted me back in the day. None of this makes sense to me. I never thought he was capable of cheating. He's such a blunt person, to the point of being so honest that it can sometimes be hurtful. He is not afraid to leave relationships if they aren't working for him (as demonstrated by his past). But reading things online shows me that smarter and more cluey people than I have been fooled by a cheater. I really just don't understand and I am so confused. I wish I could laugh it off and just trust him. I want to. I really want to.

I've had no reason to doubt him but now I'm staring at an active dating profile wanting to get in touch with people and with the privacy settings set to max so that only people approached by the profile can view it or find it on the site. Why would a catfish go to that trouble? I just can't wrap my head around it and I read about trickle truth and I wonder if I'm just the biggest chump in the world and looking for any reason to ignore this because I love him so much. And I also worry that he is telling me the truth and that someone has hijacked the old profile and that I am not trusting him and behaving like an emotional tornado destroying our relationship with my insecurities. I'd be deeply hurt if he didn't trust me and accused me of cheating and found a profile with my photos which I didn't know about.

Honestly, what can I do in this situation? Break up what I have always thought and felt was a wonderful partnership because of an active dating profile? Work past my doubts and insecurities with him to find out that ultimately we are a good match or find out that he's just been gas-lighting me and a lying cheat for years? Both courses of action seem so sucky and fraught with pain. I love this man with all my heart. Up until the weekend, I had no reason to doubt him. Now I'm just a mess. What can I do to try to make this situation better/clearer right now? or at least get it into the healthiest place possible so that we can be adults and find a way forward with the least amount of damage to each other? What can I do to give us the best chance to survive this? What can I do if this relationship has just gone spectacularly belly up?

Thanks for reading and I hope that people can give me some advice. I want to save the relationship but I think ultimately, I want to be happy and in a loving relationship with a man that adores me and doesn't cheat.

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post #2 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 10:54 PM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Tell your friend to hit up that profile and chat up the person on the other end of the keyboard.

Then have her set up a date.

And of course you'll be there to see who shows up...

Actually, it might be too late for that now.

Maybe wait a week or two and have her try it.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 11:43 PM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Is there anything other than the profile to make you suspicious?

Not that I'm discounting the profile, but just looking for any other evidence that might exist.
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post #4 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 12:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

That's a really good suggestion but the problem is that I shouldn't have confronted him with the dating profile. He's already written emails to the provider with as many details as he has (I've been copied into the emails) and I'm not too sure how long the profile will actually remain active now.

This is really painful. At times he is great and supportive/understanding of my emotional upheavals. Other times he is just angry I don't trust him and that there is nothing more he can do about this situation than wait for responses to his emails and proceed from there. In fact, he just ranted at me very angrily via text over this.

Ugh! I feel like a muppet with a brain full of cotton wool. All my friends know about his 'dating profile' and expect that we have naturally broken up. I haven't done that yet, I'm trying to work through it but now I get the added bonus of exposure of the "cheater" and if he hasn't cheated then this is a horrible situation because he's now always going to feel that he's been labelled that at least with my friends and family.

I keep thinking what other evidence there could be but I honestly can't think of anything concrete. But the problem is that I am now thinking of every time he was late or cancelled on me as having the potential for him to be dating others (looking at everything through the sudden fog of suspicion). There is no physical evidence only stuff that could be equally innocent or damning. I was trusting and him working late, unexpected stuff coming up was just that...working late or unexpected stuff coming up.
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post #5 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 12:39 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Why aren't you married?

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #6 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 01:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

A combination of huge financial debt, health issues, deaths and his general aversion to it after his parents had a nasty divorce. He has expressed that he is open to it and willing to discuss it with me because he is fully committed to me and wants to spend his life with he. He also has told me that understands it is important to me and he wants me to be happy so he is open to it. Or that's his excuse for having his cake and eating it too.

After our angry exchange (him angry, me trying to stand my ground and expressing how difficult this is for both of us and how sorry I am that he is feeling like I don't trust him because I want to trust him more than anything) I asked if I could call him tonight (I am staying away right now) and he is ignoring me. Yep, I am an emotional tornado and the more I try to lean on him to help me through this madness, the more I feel like he sometimes has the patience and other times just doesn't understand how confusing this is for me.

I want to trust him so much but I am literally holding an picture of an active dating profile in my hand with his pictures all over it and the correct details etc. How do you just accept the profile is a lie on the basis of his word alone? It's not exactly like I am misinterpreting an ambiguous text. This is a DATING profile actively approaching other women.

He just can't believe how seriously I am taking this dating profile (that he doesn't even know what it is) and it deeply offends him. I don't understand how he can be so blase about it. If I discovered that a dating site had a profile with my pictures all over it and he was upset about it - I'd be falling over myself to prove it wasn't me, try to make him feel better and do whatever I could to reassure him that I loved him. But I guess that it my personality and not so much his. He just seems so angry that I don't trust him and can't get past this (in less than three days) which makes me suspicious and feels like he just wants to rug sweep the matter with me never saying a word about it again. But that could just be the paranoid part of my brain going into overdrive. And you know what? I also can understand his point of view. I can understand that if he didn't set up the profile then this would be confusing to him and my going on and on about it just shows how little I trust him and how willing I am to believe in such a bad character trait of him. On top of that, he knows that everyone now thinks he is a cheater. How awful is that if you haven't don't anything wrong? It's unfair and it would piss me off too. I'd also feel like my partner was throwing me under the bus so easily that how could I trust them if they doubted me all the time?

And there I go, getting on the merry-go-round of confusion. He says it wasn't him. The photos are of him. Is it possible that he has been a victim of identity theft? It's possible. Legitimate profiles are hacked, pictures are stolen and used to create fake profiles. But could the simplest explanation be that he is shopping around?
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post #7 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 01:49 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

This happened to me once upon a long time ago.

I asked the website to check the IP address of the person who set up and was using the profile. I also asked how recently they had used it.

They were able to do so, and I got my answer.


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post #8 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 02:05 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Quote:
Originally Posted by TryinToFindHope View Post
A combination of huge financial debt, health issues, deaths and his general aversion to it after his parents had a nasty divorce. He has expressed that he is open to it and willing to discuss it with me because he is fully committed to me and wants to spend his life with he. He also has told me that understands it is important to me and he wants me to be happy so he is open to it. Or that's his excuse for having his cake and eating it too.

After our angry exchange (him angry, me trying to stand my ground and expressing how difficult this is for both of us and how sorry I am that he is feeling like I don't trust him because I want to trust him more than anything) I asked if I could call him tonight (I am staying away right now) and he is ignoring me. Yep, I am an emotional tornado and the more I try to lean on him to help me through this madness, the more I feel like he sometimes has the patience and other times just doesn't understand how confusing this is for me.

I want to trust him so much but I am literally holding an picture of an active dating profile in my hand with his pictures all over it and the correct details etc. How do you just accept the profile is a lie on the basis of his word alone? It's not exactly like I am misinterpreting an ambiguous text. This is a DATING profile actively approaching other women.

He just can't believe how seriously I am taking this dating profile (that he doesn't even know what it is) and it deeply offends him. I don't understand how he can be so blase about it. If I discovered that a dating site had a profile with my pictures all over it and he was upset about it - I'd be falling over myself to prove it wasn't me, try to make him feel better and do whatever I could to reassure him that I loved him. But I guess that it my personality and not so much his. He just seems so angry that I don't trust him and can't get past this (in less than three days) which makes me suspicious and feels like he just wants to rug sweep the matter with me never saying a word about it again. But that could just be the paranoid part of my brain going into overdrive. And you know what? I also can understand his point of view. I can understand that if he didn't set up the profile then this would be confusing to him and my going on and on about it just shows how little I trust him and how willing I am to believe in such a bad character trait of him. On top of that, he knows that everyone now thinks he is a cheater. How awful is that if you haven't don't anything wrong? It's unfair and it would piss me off too. I'd also feel like my partner was throwing me under the bus so easily that how could I trust them if they doubted me all the time?

And there I go, getting on the merry-go-round of confusion. He says it wasn't him. The photos are of him. Is it possible that he has been a victim of identity theft? It's possible. Legitimate profiles are hacked, pictures are stolen and used to create fake profiles. But could the simplest explanation be that he is shopping around?
When he calls over next tell him you want to talk to him and then pick three different occasion that he cancelled on you and ask him to prove that he was exactly where he said he would be,who else was there and why.Then confirm with the other people without him contacting them.
If there were women there try and confirm with them,they are less likely to lie for him.
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post #9 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 03:09 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Do you have access to his email accounts?

If you do, go to the website's log in and try is email accounts and click the link saying you forgot the password. See if it sends a password reset email.

Even if you do not have access, you can do this with his email. Usually a site will say that it does not recognize the email and thus will not send the password reset email.

Something similar happened when I found that my now-ex was cheating. I was able to do this to reset his passwords on several accounts and get into them to see what he was doing. Of course he acted just like your SO is acting until I had the solid evidence in my hands.

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post #10 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 03:43 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

This is a difficult scenario to be sure but you have to tread carefully.

Stop contacting him, he needs to do the leg work, not you. If he really cares for your relationship, he will.
Do some investigating to get as much evidence to either prove he is telling the truth of lying. You need to calm down and try and keep emotions out of it, stop engaging with him for the time being so that you can be objective. Get a friend who is good with IT to help you.

If you do not resolve this the best way to your satisfaction and sweep it under the carpet, it will haunt you. If he is cheating (and I know you want to believe he is not) then of course he will deny deny deny. Do not take denial as proof of innocence. Cheaters are excellent liars.

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post #11 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 04:46 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Recover deleted texts. The truth is always on the mobile

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post #12 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 04:55 AM Thread Starter
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The more I read here, the more I feel less hope and like a bit of an idiot. I've done so much wrong.

I called him before I logged on and read everything here. It was a very short call, a few minutes. He was short, cold and had no desire to talk. I ended the call quickly and pretty much accepted that my years of love and effort were going down in flames and my confusion and inability to control my emotions were making a bad situation worse. I am going to just step back, take care of myself and see what unfolds. Perhaps that's passive but I need to get control over my emotions, follow the advice I've been given and just start to accept what's happened and decide what I want to do. Trying to work together with my partner is just pissing him off, making things worse and adding extra strain which is hurting and confusing me more. I need to move away from this and take some space to breathe and think. He probably also needs that space given how I've been acting.

He just called. Even shorter than the last call :/ Confirmed he'd received an email from the website which informed him that the account had been investigated and had been deleted as a result. He's forwarding all the emails to me again. I thanked him for calling to tell me. He confirmed he'd forward the emails to me. I thanked him again and wished him a good night then hung up. He still seemed so short and angry with me. But at least he called to tell me right?

What can I do now except back off, heal and trying to work out where to go from here... or accept that he may not want to be with me any longer.
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post #13 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 06:02 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

He should be more angry with the website than you. It's not your fault.

I hate to sound pessimistic, but his attitude about the situation kind of indicates that you ruined his fun. Hard to say with certainty... I'm sure catfishing happens frequently, but if it happened to me, I'd be livid with the website, not my partner who found it. I'd be grateful for the discovery.

Just too fishy.

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~ Abraham Maslow
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post #14 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 06:15 AM
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Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Have your friend respond to the emails. If there is no response back, then probably it was him, and he won't answer because he's been found out. If there IS a reply, then it probably isn't him. She can set up a date, and see who shows up, with you nearby to watch. If it's not him, he's in the clear.

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post #15 of 107 (permalink) Old 06-13-2017, 06:45 AM
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Cool Re: Found an active dating profile with my partner's photos

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Have your friend respond to the emails. If there is no response back, then probably it was him, and he won't answer because he's been found out. If there IS a reply, then it probably isn't him. She can set up a date, and see who shows up, with you nearby to watch. If it's not him, he's in the clear.
It's either trap-setting time, or prime time for a rather elongated "Come to Jesus" meeting!

I can't believe his rationale that all of this is merely conjecture or just a mere coincidence!

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