Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on earth - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 08:13 PM Thread Starter
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Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on earth

My wife and I are in our 40's and have been together for almost 20 years, although we actually married fairly recently. We met through mutual friends and we do not have any children. We have always considered ourselves soul-mates and have never hidden things from each other.

Two weeks ago, my wife went on a long weekend trip with a male friend of ours (BTW he is not the culprit). I trust this person who she went on the trip with because we are good friends with both him and his wife. And just like me, his wife has no problems with the situation because we both trust our spouses. They stay in the same hotel room but sleep in separate beds. This is a trip to a convention they have been taking together for the past 8 years and until this year there have never been any problems.

On the morning my wife arrived home she woke me up (it was 5:30am) and told me that she slept with someone the night before. I was devastated, hurt, and angry. In the following days she told me what had happened. At first I thought it was some stranger, but it turns out that it was someone who she worked with who was about half her age. She has been working with the male culprit for about a year and knew he would be at the same event she was attending. She told me that the day it happened, she was intoxicated and ditched our mutual friend to wander around. The male culprit texted her to go to his hotel room to hang with his friends and have some drinks so she went. As the night wore on, people left the room leaving her alone with him. One thing led to another and they wound up sleeping together. She told me that after the deed was done, she was upset and told him that she was going to tell me what happened because her life was over. He asked her not to tell me, but she said that she could not hide this from me.

At first I was so shocked that all I wanted was to just pack my stuff and leave. Eventually I came to realize that we have so much tied up both emotionally and financially that it would not be so easy to do. I would like for us to remain together but it is not going to be easy for me until I find out how this happened. I know that whatever answer I get is not going to be satisfactory but in order for this not to happen ever again, she has to realize why she did it. No matter how much I try to find some kind of understanding it just makes me feel worse. I have been losing sleep, not eating properly and drinking a lot.

What really infuriates me about the whole thing is how she put herself in such a situation. She's always had male friends and I've never had a problem. I allowed it, but I've always told her to be careful who she hangs out with and she would sometimes be offended when I said that and get defensive by telling me that not every man is out to get into her pants (oh, the irony!!!). This guy who she was with knew that she was married and still went ahead with what he did (which also makes me angry at him). I saw the history of communication on her phone between the both of them and nothing gives me the impression that this was planned (at least on her behalf).

The other factor is why did it have to go to that extreme for her to realize that what she did was wrong? Why didn't she stop this once the culprit started kissing her? Why didn't she stop this when clothing was being removed? Why didn't she stop this when foreplay was engaged? etc, etc... Was there some kind of moral disconnect or was she enjoying herself so much that ruining our lives was the last thing on her mind?

She has apologized and is remorseful (???) about what happened. She has cut off all communication with this person and given me passwords to social media, smart phone, etc... and constantly texts me as to where she's at and what she's up to. The only issue I have is that she is on break right now from her job, but next month she returns to work where the culprit also works. She tells me that he works in a different area than her and they would only see each other for maybe 10 minutes a week (for work reasons).

Last night I could not contain some of my anger and blew up. I got in her face, started yelling and even waved my fists at her because I felt she was being defensive and trying to dump some of the blame on me. She denied that she was trying to do that, but I felt otherwise. I could never lay a hand on her and I never have. Thatís the ugliest itís ever gotten between us. Before this incident our arguments were very minor and we barely even raised our voices to each other.

Today I got a response from her that the reason she did what she did was ďI was drunk, horny and stupid, what else could I say, there is no justification or satisfactory answer as to why I did what I did and it will never happen again."

I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but I am not going to take even 1% of the blame for what she did. Right now we are going to counseling and next week I am going to attend a support group to try and help ease some of the pain. Although it is not recommended for couples trying to fix their marriage, I feel like doing the same to her so she knows just how I feel and also because my self-esteem is in the gutter. In my life Iíve never felt so unattractive, unloved and insecure. The humiliation, hurt and anger that I am going through is not something that will go away anytime soon, but I feel deep within my confused mind doing something just as foul will boost my self-esteem (which is already at the lowest it's ever been).

There is no doubt that we still love each other and want to make this work, but I don't know what lies ahead.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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post #2 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 08:31 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

She is 100% responsible for her infidelity. She needs to stop slumming with men and sleeping in rooms other than with her husband. She played with fire and got burned. I've been married for 37 years (first time for the both of us) and a career woman in all of those years. When travelling for work, I always stay in my own room. Your place of work reimburses you for expenses in conferences and if not, you can deduct it from your taxes.

You're only 40ish and I'm 59 years old. I wouldn't take that type of behavior from my husband if he did this. No children in your marriage. None in mine by choice and I would divorce and split our assets. I deserve better than an unremorseful, drunken, and horney spouse. You're young enough to find a woman who deserves you. Your choice to stay or divorce.
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post #3 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 08:37 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

She is not your soulmate. She probably has done a lot more from the sound of her boundaries. Where was the male friend of hers, covering for her? Does his wife know? You should tell her because they probably cover for each other. I would bet good money this is not your wife's first rodeo, this was not drunk, horny and stupid because she had to be premeditated to be around this guy where there was opportunity. New job is a must.

**** test her and tell her you want a polygraph. I bet you find out a lot more. Honestly the truth is you are never going to have the same relationship with her that you once did. You probably are coming to terms with that, but you need to. No amount of hard work is going to make it go back to the way it was. You have a new relationship with a different person. I know that is hard but it's the truth. You would do better to accept that then trying to get the old one back will only prolong your pain and drive you crazy.

She is not your soulmate. Just another common cheater.

Last edited by sokillme; 06-14-2017 at 09:10 PM.
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post #4 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 08:40 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselyn View Post
You're only 40ish and I'm 59 years old. I wouldn't take that type of behavior from my husband if he did this. No children in your marriage. None in mine by choice and I would divorce and split our assets. I deserve better than an unremorseful, drunken, and horney spouse. You're young enough to find a woman who deserves you. Your choice to stay or divorce.
Quoted for truth. What married women takes trips and sleeps in hotel rooms with other men? It's really not surprising she cheated with such poor boundaries.

Last edited by sokillme; 06-14-2017 at 09:11 PM.
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post #5 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 08:44 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

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Originally Posted by Gloomy Sunday View Post
I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but I am not going to take even 1% of the blame for what she did.
What has she said that is her trying to blame you for what she did? Could you please elaborate on it?
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Originally Posted by Gloomy Sunday View Post
Right now we are going to counseling and next week I am going to attend a support group to try and help ease some of the pain. Although it is not recommended for couples trying to fix their marriage, I feel like doing the same to her so she knows just how I feel and also because my self-esteem is in the gutter. In my life Iíve never felt so unattractive, unloved and insecure. The humiliation, hurt and anger that I am going through is not something that will go away anytime soon, but I feel deep within my confused mind doing something just as foul will boost my self-esteem (which is already at the lowest it's ever been).
Yea, wanting to cheat is a pretty normal reaction for a betrayed spouse. But donít do you. You will most likely find that it only makes you feel worse about yourself.
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There is no doubt that we still love each other and want to make this work, but I don't know what lies ahead.
This is a hard thing to go through. Take it one day at a time. It will take months, if no years, to work through this.

Is she still working with this guy?

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post #6 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

It's very odd that she came home and just told you. Most people who cheat would hide it.

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post #7 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:03 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

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It's very odd that she came home and just told you. Most people who cheat would hide it.


My thoughts too.

Is there any way you would have found out? Did others see them together? If so, did she tell you to get in front of it?

If not then it's possible this was a one time deal. Most stories here are not one time deals so the people who have been betrayed have a pretty horrible experience to share.

A couple of TAM folks have actually had a single slip up and worked hard to recover trust. It's a very tough road.
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post #8 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:08 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

A lot of people will tell you that you can overcome this with years of effort and complete contrition on her part. Can is the operative word. Is it worth those years of effort and always questioning and wondering to possibly make it work. Not only do you have to get over it, but she has to as well. And it's a ***** to get to that point.

Tell her, she can be as drunk and horny as she wants and file for divorce. Who wants to be with someone who wants a different ****/vagina? You have no kids, untie the knots and get yourself out.
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post #9 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:08 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

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Most stories here are not one time deals
Most affairs are not usually one time deals, so it is important to take what cheaters say with a grain of salt. Cheaters lie, it is a part of their nature. They are very good at it, and usually have years of practice even before they cheat.
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post #10 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:37 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

This is the problem with what she has said.

"I was drunk, horny and stupid and it won't happen again."

If it won't happen again then why did it happen the first time?

She ditched the friend to go and hang out with the OM. She stayed with him even after everyone else left.

This was planned out before she left for the convention. The only reason you know about it is because the guilt was more then she could handle. If she could have, she would never have told you.

Also, all the good times that you have had with her are gone forever. Your past relationship is destroyed. You can look back with regret of once was because it is gone forever.

You need to separate for a while and cool off. Get your head right. Then go from there. Being around her is just going to cause the anger to flash and for things to be said that can't be taken back.

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post #11 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:39 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

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My thoughts too.

Is there any way you would have found out? Did others see them together? If so, did she tell you to get in front of it?

If not then it's possible this was a one time deal. Most stories here are not one time deals so the people who have been betrayed have a pretty horrible experience to share.

A couple of TAM folks have actually had a single slip up and worked hard to recover trust. It's a very tough road.
His best friend was there with her and she ditched him to be with the OM. So yes someone was there, his best friend.
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post #12 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:40 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

She gets a new job ASAP or you file for divorce.

No half measures, no middle ground.

If OM is married or has a girlfriend (do your research), expose the tryst to her as well.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #13 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:46 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

You could tell her sense she opened the marriage up you are going on a date. Just to get her reaction you know.

This was planned. Have no doubt about that. That is why she never stopped til it was over. Also your friend knew she was out all night and not with him. Or he could have heard what she had done. He would have let you known this. She had to tell before he did.
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post #14 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

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She told me that the day it happened, she was intoxicated and ditched our mutual friend to wander around.
Gloomy my man, its almost a certainty she ditched the mutual friend not to wander around but for the purpose of hooking up with the co-worker. I to hope you and your friends wifypoo, don't totally dismiss the possibility your wife and friend are jumping each others bones at these conventions. Think about it Dawg, what would you do if you and his old lady were in a hotel room for several nights and about 2 in the morning she slipped into bed with you and all you had to do is keep your mouth shut about it. There's just something about out of town hotel rooms that make folks want to touch one another.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.

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post #15 of 179 (permalink) Old 06-14-2017, 09:59 PM
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Cool Re: Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on e

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My wife and I are in our 40's and have been together for almost 20 years, although we actually married fairly recently. We met through mutual friends and we do not have any children. We have always considered ourselves soul-mates and have never hidden things from each other.

Two weeks ago, my wife went on a long weekend trip with a male friend of ours (BTW he is not the culprit). I trust this person who she went on the trip with because we are good friends with both him and his wife. And just like me, his wife has no problems with the situation because we both trust our spouses. They stay in the same hotel room but sleep in separate beds. This is a trip to a convention they have been taking together for the past 8 years and until this year there have never been any problems.

On the morning my wife arrived home she woke me up (it was 5:30am) and told me that she slept with someone the night before. I was devastated, hurt, and angry. In the following days she told me what had happened. At first I thought it was some stranger, but it turns out that it was someone who she worked with who was about half her age. She has been working with the male culprit for about a year and knew he would be at the same event she was attending. She told me that the day it happened, she was intoxicated and ditched our mutual friend to wander around. The male culprit texted her to go to his hotel room to hang with his friends and have some drinks so she went. As the night wore on, people left the room leaving her alone with him. One thing led to another and they wound up sleeping together. She told me that after the deed was done, she was upset and told him that she was going to tell me what happened because her life was over. He asked her not to tell me, but she said that she could not hide this from me.

At first I was so shocked that all I wanted was to just pack my stuff and leave. Eventually I came to realize that we have so much tied up both emotionally and financially that it would not be so easy to do. I would like for us to remain together but it is not going to be easy for me until I find out how this happened. I know that whatever answer I get is not going to be satisfactory but in order for this not to happen ever again, she has to realize why she did it. No matter how much I try to find some kind of understanding it just makes me feel worse. I have been losing sleep, not eating properly and drinking a lot.

What really infuriates me about the whole thing is how she put herself in such a situation. She's always had male friends and I've never had a problem. I allowed it, but I've always told her to be careful who she hangs out with and she would sometimes be offended when I said that and get defensive by telling me that not every man is out to get into her pants (oh, the irony!!!). This guy who she was with knew that she was married and still went ahead with what he did (which also makes me angry at him). I saw the history of communication on her phone between the both of them and nothing gives me the impression that this was planned (at least on her behalf).

The other factor is why did it have to go to that extreme for her to realize that what she did was wrong? Why didn't she stop this once the culprit started kissing her? Why didn't she stop this when clothing was being removed? Why didn't she stop this when foreplay was engaged? etc, etc... Was there some kind of moral disconnect or was she enjoying herself so much that ruining our lives was the last thing on her mind?

She has apologized and is remorseful (???) about what happened. She has cut off all communication with this person and given me passwords to social media, smart phone, etc... and constantly texts me as to where she's at and what she's up to. The only issue I have is that she is on break right now from her job, but next month she returns to work where the culprit also works. She tells me that he works in a different area than her and they would only see each other for maybe 10 minutes a week (for work reasons).

Last night I could not contain some of my anger and blew up. I got in her face, started yelling and even waved my fists at her because I felt she was being defensive and trying to dump some of the blame on me. She denied that she was trying to do that, but I felt otherwise. I could never lay a hand on her and I never have. That’s the ugliest it’s ever gotten between us. Before this incident our arguments were very minor and we barely even raised our voices to each other.

Today I got a response from her that the reason she did what she did was “I was drunk, horny and stupid, what else could I say, there is no justification or satisfactory answer as to why I did what I did and it will never happen again."

I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but I am not going to take even 1% of the blame for what she did. Right now we are going to counseling and next week I am going to attend a support group to try and help ease some of the pain. Although it is not recommended for couples trying to fix their marriage, I feel like doing the same to her so she knows just how I feel and also because my self-esteem is in the gutter. In my life I’ve never felt so unattractive, unloved and insecure. The humiliation, hurt and anger that I am going through is not something that will go away anytime soon, but I feel deep within my confused mind doing something just as foul will boost my self-esteem (which is already at the lowest it's ever been).

There is no doubt that we still love each other and want to make this work, but I don't know what lies ahead.

Any advice would be appreciated.
And just what firm guarantees do you have that "it" will never happen again? Don't be a fool!

When her panties fell off in the OM's bedroom, she knew exactly what it was that she was doing and who she was busy pleasuring!

It would seem to me that the "alcohol" itself is only conveniently being used as a rather placative excuse that is simply offered up because of its easy but otherwise lame viability!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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Last edited by arbitrator; 06-15-2017 at 04:38 AM. Reason: Edification
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