Two weeks ago my wife was unfaithful. Trying to work it out, feels like hell on earth
My wife and I are in our 40's and have been together for almost 20 years, although we actually married fairly recently. We met through mutual friends and we do not have any children. We have always considered ourselves soul-mates and have never hidden things from each other.
Two weeks ago, my wife went on a long weekend trip with a male friend of ours (BTW he is not the culprit). I trust this person who she went on the trip with because we are good friends with both him and his wife. And just like me, his wife has no problems with the situation because we both trust our spouses. They stay in the same hotel room but sleep in separate beds. This is a trip to a convention they have been taking together for the past 8 years and until this year there have never been any problems.
On the morning my wife arrived home she woke me up (it was 5:30am) and told me that she slept with someone the night before. I was devastated, hurt, and angry. In the following days she told me what had happened. At first I thought it was some stranger, but it turns out that it was someone who she worked with who was about half her age. She has been working with the male culprit for about a year and knew he would be at the same event she was attending. She told me that the day it happened, she was intoxicated and ditched our mutual friend to wander around. The male culprit texted her to go to his hotel room to hang with his friends and have some drinks so she went. As the night wore on, people left the room leaving her alone with him. One thing led to another and they wound up sleeping together. She told me that after the deed was done, she was upset and told him that she was going to tell me what happened because her life was over. He asked her not to tell me, but she said that she could not hide this from me.
At first I was so shocked that all I wanted was to just pack my stuff and leave. Eventually I came to realize that we have so much tied up both emotionally and financially that it would not be so easy to do. I would like for us to remain together but it is not going to be easy for me until I find out how this happened. I know that whatever answer I get is not going to be satisfactory but in order for this not to happen ever again, she has to realize why she did it. No matter how much I try to find some kind of understanding it just makes me feel worse. I have been losing sleep, not eating properly and drinking a lot.
What really infuriates me about the whole thing is how she put herself in such a situation. She's always had male friends and I've never had a problem. I allowed it, but I've always told her to be careful who she hangs out with and she would sometimes be offended when I said that and get defensive by telling me that not every man is out to get into her pants (oh, the irony!!!). This guy who she was with knew that she was married and still went ahead with what he did (which also makes me angry at him). I saw the history of communication on her phone between the both of them and nothing gives me the impression that this was planned (at least on her behalf).
The other factor is why did it have to go to that extreme for her to realize that what she did was wrong? Why didn't she stop this once the culprit started kissing her? Why didn't she stop this when clothing was being removed? Why didn't she stop this when foreplay was engaged? etc, etc... Was there some kind of moral disconnect or was she enjoying herself so much that ruining our lives was the last thing on her mind?
She has apologized and is remorseful (???) about what happened. She has cut off all communication with this person and given me passwords to social media, smart phone, etc... and constantly texts me as to where she's at and what she's up to. The only issue I have is that she is on break right now from her job, but next month she returns to work where the culprit also works. She tells me that he works in a different area than her and they would only see each other for maybe 10 minutes a week (for work reasons).
Last night I could not contain some of my anger and blew up. I got in her face, started yelling and even waved my fists at her because I felt she was being defensive and trying to dump some of the blame on me. She denied that she was trying to do that, but I felt otherwise. I could never lay a hand on her and I never have. Thatís the ugliest itís ever gotten between us. Before this incident our arguments were very minor and we barely even raised our voices to each other.
Today I got a response from her that the reason she did what she did was ďI was drunk, horny and stupid, what else could I say, there is no justification or satisfactory answer as to why I did what I did and it will never happen again."
I know I wasn't a perfect husband, but I am not going to take even 1% of the blame for what she did. Right now we are going to counseling and next week I am going to attend a support group to try and help ease some of the pain. Although it is not recommended for couples trying to fix their marriage, I feel like doing the same to her so she knows just how I feel and also because my self-esteem is in the gutter. In my life Iíve never felt so unattractive, unloved and insecure. The humiliation, hurt and anger that I am going through is not something that will go away anytime soon, but I feel deep within my confused mind doing something just as foul will boost my self-esteem (which is already at the lowest it's ever been).
There is no doubt that we still love each other and want to make this work, but I don't know what lies ahead.
Any advice would be appreciated.