so this morning I talked to my husband things have been great with us then I said you know since all this has happend my emotions and everything had calmed down I feel more at ease with everything. I said to him you know I just feel that what you told me is a crock and I think that we should be 100% with each other. So we went back and forth and he then told me that he was going to go and stay with his friends for the rest of the week. I just dont know what to do? He told me that I am a shell of myself that I just sit on the sofa dont want to do anything or interact with the family I thought that I was doing better? I am going to lose him I am so devastated I cant lose him. I just want the truth you know I am not blaming him anymore or bringing it up all the time. OMG I dont know what to do being all alone finding love this late in the game again and will it even be true love? I need to get through this but the more he shuts me down and goes numb the more I go numb to. we are needing to get back in touch and I need to step aside from the depression what can I do to fix this you guys?
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Re: He is leaving the rest of the week
=sunflower;36859] I said to him you know I just feel that what you told me is a crock and I think that we should be 100% with each other. So we went back and forth and he then told me that he was going to go and stay with his friends for the rest of the week.
You called him a liar, how did you expect him to react? If you want things to improve then let go of the kissing and grab ass incident and move on. One of these days he’s going to walk out the door and not come back. Get over it!
Sunflower you would do much better by walking on your feet instead of putting them in your mouth. Can't say we (me specifically) didn't warn you. I guess you are just not going to get past this. oh well.
GOSH I KNOW IT wtf is wrong with me I do GREAT and then bam like a ton of bricks I am sad again. I wonder if its because of me and her being unresolved you know like I am taking it all out with him? I dont know I need help though I know that. I just miss how things were I wish it were all a bad dream. And I miss my friend.
Well I am on prozak and its 40 mg I have never been depressed before until now. I dont think that I am even "Depressed" I mean of course now I am questioning myself like is she prettier does she have a better body what is it? Am I missing something? I dont know?
Ok….I am a very linear person (and a bit neurotic myself)….I thought a synopsis might help you to see some things that you obviously are not seeing. Unfortunately, I think you are either unwilling to see, or are just so dead set bent on being right, and being the victim, and hammering your husband that it just isn’t going to make a difference. I don’t know what to say anymore….. “move on”, “let it go”, “you’re pushing him away”, has all been said in every way possible…..
12/15 Sunflower: Hubby said "it will never happen again that he loves me and our family and it wasnt that he had feelings for her."
12/16 Sunflower: "I didnt treat him like that man I should have….flirted with friends of his….payed more attention and was more attentive with them then him and he felt I was always putting him down or he wasnt good enouph to do things right…I think that I made him feel like crap.I am sure that he felt good someone hit on him."
Advice: "At this point, I would put that behind you and focus on making sure he feels loved and appreciated."
Sunflower: "we were fighting seriuosly everyday I think cause he never got over me playing that stupid drunken (strip poker) game with them
Advice: "If you want to save the relationship then work on it"
Advice: "He was feeling unloved, unappreciated by you…probably felt horrible knowing you passed out in the bar and played strip poker….probably worried and wondering if you cared about him at all. You have the opportunity to listen to what he's opening up to you about and make him feel loved, desired, appreciated as a man & husband."
Sunflower: "it was a year ago"
Sunflower: "guess he may be telling the truth"
Advice: "it's really about whether you can forgive and are willing to let go"
Hubby: "I dont know why i did it i just did if you want to chalk it up to someting maybe it was revenge cause what you did not the kiss though that was about us.the grab revenge cause of what you did and how hurt and mad i was at you and him and her that was my way of getting you guys back it was not sexual i didnt want anything more but to get even. that was my purpose i want to stop hurting iside and stop hurting u I know you dont think so but I ach inside and i want it to stop and the only way for that is for you to stop aching you are my life my solemate i need you more then anything but if you think i will keep hurting you i dont want that I love you"
Advice: "He is being very honest with you...he was deeply hurt by your actions and reacted in an immature way...if you do the same it will go back and forth indefinitely and neither of you will be happy."
Advice: "This man sounds truly broken over your tryst… the only thing you speak about is getting revenge on him. He obviously is deeply in love with you and has had his spirit and his faith in you crushed."
Advice: "put all this behind you. Stop asking for every thought and feeling your H has. Don't obsess on this too much or it will blind you"
12/19 Sunflower: "he has shown me how much he loves me.....I know that I am drilling him when I shouldnt be"
Advice: "Stop fooling around, making bad decisions and rehashing everything. Start over today."
Sunflower: "we really need to grow up we have two beautiful girls that we cant play games with ruining there lives"
Advice: "Get some couples counseling and start working on a marriage that you would want your daughters to emulate when they become involved with men. Remember....our daughters will very likely choose husbands and have marriages based on what they learned at home. What are your daughters learning right now?"
12/22 Sunflower: "He says that I am never going to work on bettering this and I just keep going back and asking the same questions over and over and over I am in a way obsessed. I think I just ruined my life and lost my husband..."
Advice: "This is quickly becoming a self-fulfilled prophecy.....you need to understand that he is human...he is not perfect...he is doing everything he can based on the circumstances to make things right with you but you won't have any of it. What do you expect him to do?"
Advice: "Did he tell you …Very honest if you ask me."
Sunflower: "he had mentioned that he would watch me talk and laughing with other men and how differant I was with them and with him. How I was always whatever with him and was all into them and what they had to say not really acknolidging him"
Advice: "Well I think you just answered your own question. Of why. Because you don't make him feel special. In fact just the opposite. He started all this because he doesn't think you care. He's not looking to get laid. He was looking for a woman to love him because his wife just isn't all that into him… what I have found out reading what you have written is that you are definitely a self centered person. It's all about you and what makes you happy. Not once have I read that you are concerned about his feelings. Just that it happened to you. "
Sunflower: "I never sat and thought that what I had done was wrong. Not once did I think that what I did was cheating. And not once did I take his feelings into consideration when hanging out with friends and putting him aside and how I would feel if he did the same to me."
Advice: "stop obessesing! Stop beating a dead horse. You made some bad choices, he made some bad choices...put it behind you and start over!"
Sunflower: "He is trying and he is trying hard he knew he messed up he is trying to make it right. I keep punishing him"
Advice: "Have you told your husband that this is all the result of what you did and you recognize this. That you got exactly what you deserve and feel blessed that he didn't go further then he did. And that you will ask his forgiveness for starting this whole thing. That you will try to make it up to him for the rest of your lives. And that life without him would be meaningless. If your not ready to say this just let him go."
Sunflower: "So then you think I am equally as wrong in what I have done to him?"
Advice: "You were wrong first. Don't you think you should be the one to ask for forgiveness first."
Advice: "I actually think your disrespect for him as your husband (by playing strip poker) and your disrespect for him around others (as you've stated and giving other men attention, etc.) is far worse… he must have felt horrible thinking his wife didn't care much about him or his feelings or the marriage. Anything that happened after that, was likely fallout from the above treatment. Not that it makes it right, but I can understand his motives for wanting to feel attractive to another woman since you didn't seem to be making him feel very attractive. He wants to forget all that and really give your marriage a chance to be an honest, strong relationship...even if it means forgiving the past mistakes. You just don't seem to be there...you just want him to prove to you that you are the only woman on the planet he has ever been attracted to...he is trying to be open and honest with you, but I don't think you have the maturity to learn from this and move forward. I can see why he is feeling done...I am getting tired just watching you go in circles with this thread."
Advice: "It is up to you to decide your marriage is worth getting past these bumps in the road and moving forward together....he needs to know he will not spend the rest of his life paying for this mistake."
Advice: "if you keep going in circles with this, he will leave and your marriage won't make it..."
Sunflower: "this morning it was so sad my 3 year old woke up bawling for her dad so distraught that her father was gone"
Ex-Friend: "you are making it into something so much more than it was and blowing the whole thing out of proportion......I gave you an opportunity almost 3 months ago to use me as your scapegoat and hate me and you chose to drag it all out for the last 2 ½ months instead. I think you need to figure out the real reasons that you are not happy and that you keep choosing not to move on and enjoy your life, family, kids, husband, etc; all the things you have been telling me are number one to you. If they are, why are you making it so difficult?"
Advice: "Here's the truth about what really happened. You and Joey discovered you had hidden depths you did not know about. Get over it. It's no big deal. He can, now it's your turn."
Advice: "(Sunflower) needs to focus on healing not the betrayal"
1/02 Hubby: "I think that you think I am a great father but I dont think that you want me. I always felt that you were stuck with me and I was not someone you wanted".
Sunflower: "I feel bad that I made him feel that way and now I know why he acted the way he did with me cause he never talked to me never told me just held it in and became bitter."
Advice: "It's a New Year...a fresh start. You stated in your other post that you and your husband are having some good talks. DON'T GO BACKWARDS! If you are communicating well, let the past be the past. Learn from your mistakes. You said in your other post he is opening up to you and sharing feelings he hasn't shared before.....don't mess this up by obsessing again."
Advice: "Wake up every morning and make the CHOICE to look forward"
1/05 Sunflower: "And I am doing better day after day focusing on my husband and my family its been really nice! we are actually more into each other then we were before all this happend."
Advice: "Keep moving forward...stay focused on your H and beautiful girls....don't obsess"
1/06 Sunflower: "So I just text my husband and asked if he had sex with her. Well I am trying to make it sound like she said that they did to see what I can get out of him and I think that I just made him mad he said no way not even close. I claimed she made it sound that way and he said well I didnt think what you want. WHY ARE MEN LIKE THIS. doesnt he get that this will just make me feel worst about it."
Advice: "He's told you time and again he didn't have sex with her. Why aren't you believing him the first hundred times he has said it? YOU HAVE ASKED HIM, HE HAS ANSWERED YOU.......everytime you guys take a step forward YOU send your relationship FLYING backwards? You are going to sabotage your entire marriage."
Advice: "If you don't believe him, and will never trust him again, then you'll have to move on, and maybe leave him. But if you want to stay married, then you have to stop bringing this up every time you turn around. He'll only end up hating you if you continue to play mind games with him. He is still with you right? He must love you. Don't drive him away."
Advice: "He has given you an answer, and it's almost liek it's not the answer you wanted. It's almost as if you are going to keep asking till you pressure him into saying he had sex with her, whether he truly did or not. your insistence with this one night, being described to you over and over again, is obsessive. You either want to move on with him, or you don't. It will only destroy what you have left with him, if you keep on this path."
1/08 Sunflower: "I dont WANT DRAMA "
Advice: "The point is, the past had some bad $^it on both sides and if you are on the path to getting better, say the course and leave the past in the past where the two of you are concerned. Keeping it in the present is toxic for your marriage."
Sunflower: "the past is the past and I need to learn to keep it there and when I feel low to just think of what it was all really about"
1/13 Sunflower: "I got so mad at him because I am reading this book and it talkes about getting over betrayel and forgiving people. Well one of the steps in forgiving after something like this happends is to learn why it happend to fix it and it never happen again. Well he knows why he kissed her. But he tells me he doesnt know why he was grabbing her a$$ during the kiss? he says its not sexual.....last night he was so cold to me he slept on the sofa didnt want to sleep or talk to me at all just didnt want to hear it"
Advice: "you have managed to completely undo all the progress you have made"
Advice: "I think you are missing the point of the book. It is not to determine the reason for every detail of what he did at that moment but to determine the state of your marriage at the time it happened and take some ownership in that"
Sunflower: "I know I am driving him crazy.....I just feel like he should have a explanation for his actions"
Advice: "realizing he is human and made a mistake...He wants to be with you (if you stop pushing him away)"
Advice: "Are you constantly on his case and treating him bad? You also said yourself that you did nothing to make him feel special. you also said you flirted with other guys more than him. He may feel you don't desire him."
1/20 Sunflower: "I asked him why the hell he would kiss her again if he didnt have feelings and he just gets frustrated when I ask. Does this make sense to you?"
Advice: "Makes no sense to me that you're still asking him the same question."
Sunflower: "why cant I be satisfied with what he is giving me?"
Advice: "Forgiveness is a choice. You have just chosen not to."
1/21 Sunflower: "the poker game of course I knew it was wrong. but thats not cheating?"
Advice: "Her husband got to see you naked. Your husband did not see her naked. If my wife got naked in front of another man...I would definitely consider that cheating. You just lower the bar so that you can feel outraged by what your husband did. You're the flirt. You're the one that started this whole damn thing."
1/22 Sunflower: "I think that it was my fault that this all happend."
Sunflower: "So Today this morning I put on my big girl pants and I thought after reading some of your comments on my other thread. OK so maybe I am over reacting the situation maybe just MAYBE (maybe????) I am being really over the top on this and taking something so little and making it explode (Definitely!!). I just think that you are all right I cant sit and blame him when I have done wrong myself."
Advice: lot's of "atta-girls" and good job, keep up the good, work posts
1/23 Sunflower: "Last night we talked and I looked at him and swollowed my pride I said you know what I did really isnt much differant then what you did. And I am truly sorry I cant judge you for your actions I need to point at me first. And I said I really dont think that you would have dont that if I didnt open that door first. He said ughh Ya you maybe right. But I am so in love with him and i know how deep his love is for me! and well its about time we started to think more about each other"
(That apology lasted a whole 4 days! Big girl pants lasted 5.)
1/27 Sunflower: "I said to him you know I just feel that what you told me is a crock and I think that we should be 100% with each other. So we went back and forth and he then told me that he was going to go and stay with his friends for the rest of the week.....I am going to lose him....I just want the truth you know I am not blaming him anymore or bringing it up all the time."
Advice: "You called him a liar, how did you expect him to react? If you want things to improve then let go of the kissing and grab a$$ incident and move on. One of these days he’s going to walk out the door and not come back. Get over it!"
Advice: "I guess you are just not going to get past this."
Advice: "When you say things like that, it's counterproductive to your desire to fix things."
Advice: "you had this coming a mile away... "
Do you know what I read when looking over this? Everyone is telling you that you had crushed your husband’s spirit. You even said you didn’t value him, didn’t pay attention to him, didn’t treat him as well as you treated the other men you paid attention to and flirted with. Your husband told you what happened…you even relayed that info to us on 12/18….he told you WHY he thought it happened. YOU SIMPLY WILL NOT ACCEPT WHAT HE HAS TO SAY! Everyone here has been telling you over, and over, and over again to let it go, work on your marriage, stop asking him the same question, MOVE ON. Yet you choose not to do that. You choose to dwell in the misery that you are creating daily. You choose to make your husband so miserable he has left.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you anymore. I hope you and your husband are still in counseling. Maybe the two of you need to separate....maybe short term, or maybe forever. He cannot continue to live under your constant obsession with this. Maybe you need some time away from him to get your priorities in order and find acceptance and forgiveness in your heart. I'm sure your girls need some time away from the constant tension and fighting between their mommy and daddy. I wish you luck...I really do.
Every time you write about your husband and what he does and says, it just makes him sound perfect. He has dignity and integrity, he is clear headed enough to know not to bother arguing with you under the same roof. You are going to lose the prize, if you don't let him off the hook.
I do love my husband. VERY MUCH and like I said I dont think that its just him that I am hurt by I know I have done plenty and I am not suprised it happend I mean you would have to be nieve if you are to think that your marriage is cheat proof anyone can get into a situation we all slip up. F*&^@% why is it when people get burned they cant let go.
There is just one thing I don't understand about jealous people. Why do they get jealous? In one of your posts you were concerned that other women could give your husband erections! I have no such worries about my wife. I know she finds certain men she walks past in the street sexy - I love it; After all - Nothing's going to happen. When she gets home all horny, I get the benefit.
When people say to me, "I am angry due to jealousy" I always ask, why are you jealous? Why does it hurt? You need to ask yourself that question. Why does it bug you so much?