Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:14 PM Thread Starter
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Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

If you are about to read this; be prepared. This is a long story. Me and my girlfriend started out as two 15 year old teenagers, we fell deeply for eachother and went on to become best friends and connected in the most deepest of ways and brought out parts of each other we didn't even know we had. We had the most amazing relationship and were both convinced this was real love.

That was before things turned bad. We both went in the same class, a class consisting of only females except for me and one other guy. Quite understandably, this was hard for her. With her finding out about my fantasies and me checking out our classmates, things turned really ugly. I was still deeply in love with this girl and wanted nothing but her, but couldn't find ANY convincing ways to show this to her (as stupid as I was)
This went on for a year, until I found out ways to show her that SHE was the one for me and we both finally felt at peace and happy in our relationship. The thing is, all this had hurted her self-esteem to a degree that she started seeking attention from other men. First I thought it was a one time occurance, when I found out she had been writing and entertaining the liking of another man (no actual cheating occured though). After this occurance, even more of these instances went on and she continued doing things of this nature, always telling me that she would stop and this was the last time. As much as I loved her and wanted us to work, I chose to trust her again and again.
All this happened until I found out she had done something which hurt me so badly that I ended the relationship. Although, this time I can tell by the way she writes and talks to me that she regrets how she has been, so badly and I KNOW that she means it and would NEVER do anything like it again. The thing is, that if this would have happened half a year ago, I would feel absolutely complete and happy, but after everything she has done, I honestly feel nothing from her, in fact, heartwarming and loving proofs of love. I honestly don't know what to do now, because it feels as though as she is too late, but the really heartbreaking part is that I would be euphoric to have her act this way, if she just were earlier. What do I do? Somehow it feels so strange to let her go now that she has actually changed, but then again, I feel hurt by the mere sight of her and have a hard time believing I could ever forgive her and let alone trust her. If I do forgive her, how would I do such a thing and if I were to not forgive her, how would I get over all this hurt and should I look for someone new?

I am currently feeling very lost and confused, the clock being 2:30 am in my country and my girlfriend continously showing her new love and loyalty to me via text, while I can do nothing but not reply, since it hurts to do as much as write to her and since I don't want to give her any false hope of us reconciling. I think I still love her and I am sure that I still care for her and wish her all the best in her life.

Grateful for all answers / an 18 year old believer in true love, learning about himself and about relationships, the hard way


Last edited by Adampalo; 06-18-2017 at 07:25 PM.
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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:23 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

Let her go. Move on. Lesson learned.
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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:27 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

Not sure what you consider a long read but that took like half a minute to get through.


Anyway I imagine your girlfriend was paranoid and untrusting of you because a cheater's mindset is in her nature. It's not uncommon for cheaters, those who want to cheat, or who cross lines close to cheating to be suspicious, paranoid, and accusatory of their partners when it comes to being faithful. They know if they can do it so easily then you can as well.

You're 18. Consider this a learning experience and move on. Not that it's always the case but many cheaters will feel bad when they're caught. Right up until the moment they start doing it again. Rinse and repeat.

You need to watch your partner's actions. Not their words, letters, crocodile tears, or sad faces.

I don't think you necessarily need to look for someone new at this time if you don't feel ready, but I do think you need to let the ex-gf go. It's only been 6 months. It's still pretty fresh for you. Believe me in enough time she's just going to be a memory that won't invoke any emotion. I'm 33 and I can tell you I don't even think of the exes I've been in LTR years ago and in hindsight would have seriously regretted trying to have a second go around with any of them.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

Is it really that simple?
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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:31 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

Yep, let her go.

You have learned some important lessons. But it's time for you to move on.

You should probably tell her to stop contacting you. That way you get the time and space to get over all this nonsense.

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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

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Originally Posted by Jasel View Post
Not sure what you consider a long read but that took like half a minute to get through.


Anyway I imagine your girlfriend was paranoid and untrusting of you because a cheater's mindset is in her nature. It's not uncommon for cheaters, those who want to cheat, or who cross lines close to cheating to be suspicious, paranoid, and accusatory of their partners when it comes to being faithful. They know if they can do it so easily then you can as well.

You're 18. Consider this a learning experience and move on. Not that it's always the case but cheaters always feel bad when they're caught. Right up until the moment they start doing it again. Rinse and repeat.

You need to watch your partners actions. Not their words, letters, crocodile tears, or sad faces.

I don't think you necessarily need to look for someone new at this time if you don't feel ready, but I do think you need to let the ex-gf go. It's only been 6 months. It's still pretty fresh for you. Believe me in enough time she's just going to be a memory that won't invoke any emotion. I'm 33 and I can tell you I don't even think of the exes I've been in LTR years ago and in hindsight would have seriously regretted trying to have a second go around with any of them.
This was really good advice. Thank you, intially, I thougth that she would be the last person to ever want to cheat, but maybe it is what you least expect of a person that's true.

Haha, about "the long read", I started out writing, thinking that I would write in incredible details and felt satisfied keeping it short halfway through.
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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:32 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

It's not a matter of it being simple, emotions rarely are. It's about doing what's best for you despite your emotions. Right now you need to listen to your head, not your heart.

Dealing with the emotions are hard. The act of not wasting anymore time on her and moving on however is that simple.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:35 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

Quote:
This was really good advice. Thank you, intially, I thougth that she would be the last person to ever want to cheat, but maybe it is what you least expect of a person that's true.
I believe everyone is capable of cheating. Which is why even though I've never done it, I'm not one to say "I'd never cheat". Because I've heard plenty of people say that, meaning it 100%, only to wind up doing it themselves. Never assume a partner won't cheat on you.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

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Yep, let her go.

You have learned some important lessons. But it's time for you to move on.

You should probably tell her to stop contacting you. That way you get the time and space to get over all this nonsense.
I know you are probably right, but somehow it feels so scary to completely cut off contact just like that with someone who has basically been everything to you for 3 years. I am honestly also very concerned about her feelings and doesn't want to see her devastated, how do you stop caring for someone?
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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

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I believe everyone is capable of cheating. Which is why even though I've never done it, I'm not one to say "I'd never cheat". Because I've heard plenty of people say that, meaning it 100%, only to wind up doing it themselves. Never assume a partner won't cheat on you.
How do I become happy in a relationship then? I fought so much for our relationship, hearing advices that people often blame their partner for whatever is wrong, ignoring their own part. I took this advice to the extreme, so much that I in the end felt like I was the one holding up the relationship. Anyway she acted this way. Am I just too kind? Do I put in too much energy to my relationship? Or did I just end up with the absolute wrong person?

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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:41 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

Her seeking attention from other men is not the result of a one-time event that made her feel inadequate. If a woman is seeking attention from males and is supposed to be in a committed relationship, she is cheating. A woman who seeks attention from males eventually give up sexual favors to keep that attention going. This is part of her character - who she really is - she can not change suddenly and behave another way. She can hide it from you, but she is broken inside and you cannot fix that.

You are only 18. Run.
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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:44 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

Do not let fear of "what If" paralyze you.

You are not responsible for what she is doing. Protect yourself.
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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

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Her seeking attention from other men is not the result of a one-time event that made her feel inadequate. If a woman is seeking attention from males and is supposed to be in a committed relationship, she is cheating. A woman who seeks attention from males eventually give up sexual favors to keep that attention going. This is part of her character - who she really is - she can not change suddenly and behave another way. She can hide it from you, but she is broken inside and you cannot fix that.

You are only 18. Run.
I love the fact that you wrote: Run. Haha.
I actually feel that she did me a favour now by doing what she did, I feel a lot more at peace being alone even though it's hard in it's own way. I just hope I don't chicken out and take her back in fear of being alone or something like that.
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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

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Do not let fear of "what If" paralyze you.

You are not responsible for what she is doing. Protect yourself.
Thank you
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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Girlfriend of three years turned disloyal

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How do I become happy in a relationship then? I fought so much for our relationship, hearing advices that people often blame their partner for whatever is wrong, ignoring their own part. I took this advice to the extreme, so much that I in the end felt like I was the one holding up the relationship. Anyway she acted this way. Am I just too kind? Do I put in too much energy to my relationship? Or did I just end up with the absolute wrong person?
I can just speak for myself personally but I think men and women (more so with men) who try to give their partner the world, usually end up getting taken advantage of and taken for granted. And then they're so used to being in that mindset of being Mr./Mrs. Perfect Partner when they finally do get ****ed over they have no idea how to deal with it and keep up the same behavior or double down on it because they don't know how to do anything else. Which almost always makes things worse. You however made the right decision ending things and hopefully it was a valuable lesson for you as well as her.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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