How to deal with my situation? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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How to deal with my situation?

I posted my story under separation/divorce but so much more is going on now.

My husband left me and our 2 young kids about 3.5 months ago for another woman (one of his employees and a "friend" of mine). He does not believe it is cheating because he told me he wanted a separation "before" he started dating her. I know this is a lie. Maybe there is truth he didnt do anything physically, but he defintely emotionally cheated.

Anyways, things have gotten really bad between us because I don't think he is being appropriate flaunting his relationship with OW in front of our kids. We are going through a custody/visitation battle now but it will be a few weeks before our court date.

He has become extremely wreckless. He doesn't stick to the pickup/dropoff schedule. He has OW watch the kids while he is at work. Last month he video chatted our son for his birthday from OW's bed. Today he video chatted our kids and also had OW and her son talking to our kids.

I have been doing limited contact (kids and finances only). But I am so completely out of words and thoughts. They both seem to be happy flaunting it in my face how happy they are. I obviously never want to get back with someone so disresepectful, however it is still pretty hurtful. I feel even more hurt for our kids. They of course love their dad bc they dont understand what he has done, but one day they may realize how easy it was for him to replace us.

Going through so many emotions right now. I've been doing well trying to move on with my life and learning to be happy single, but once I'm in a good place feeling better about myself and my life, he flaunts OW and her son in front of me or tells me how happy he is to not be with me anymore. He literally does everything in his power to knock me off my horse. The crazy thing is I have never said anything negative to him during our separation. Once he starts texting all the mean things he has to tell me i just ignore it. Then the next few days we dont speak and he goes back to normal like he never said a thing.

How am I suppose to handle someone so toxic???

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

You start by ignoring him as much as you can.

If he is texting you mean stuff, keep copies of those texts. Show the to your lawyer. See if you can get something in your divorce that is a order for him to stop harassing you.

Have you talked to your attorney about him having the OW around your children? Sometimes people can get an order saying that it's too confusing for the kids and thus not allowed for some period of time.

How old are you kids?

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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:30 PM Thread Starter
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My kids are 4 and 5. My 4 year old has been fine. My 5 year old is sometimes emotional about us being separated from his father. My county is pretty strict when it comes to paramours. They really dont like them, especially around kids. My lawyer does not think its appropriate at all.

He only writes mean things when I dont give into his demands. His sister has started harassing me as well. I literally do not respond to their negativity, but they keep on texting or trying to call.

It is keeping me stuck in the angry stage when all I want to do is just move on with my life and not care about what he is doing.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

Let's use some psychology here. Do you really think someone that's truly happy would flaunt that sh!t in your face? That's like a high school tactic of trying to make your ex jealous by showcasing how "happy" you are with a new person. It screams immaturity and insecurity.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:46 PM Thread Starter
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Im not sure if he does it to purposely make me hurt and angry, or because he thinks i've completely moved on and shouldn't care (since i show him no emotion), or bc he really just doesnt give a f*** what i think.

Either way, he has terrible character traits
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:51 PM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

We humans have a skill that you can put to use here. We cannot usually help our initial reaction to something. But within a couple of seconds we have complete control over how we react.

Decide what the healthy way is to react to his texts. Perhaps you could decide to ignore them. Or only skim for info about the children. Then just ignore them.

Redirect your thoughts to something that you really like... for me it's walking on a beach or skiing. And just let that play in your head. Do not let him and his sister into your head. You can do that.

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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:58 PM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

I would say the first option. He's trying to get a rise out of you, even if it's negative. It's a roundabout way of trying to justify why he left to himself, to say "See? This is exactly why I had to cheat and yadda yadda". After all, you're the glue/"enemy" that's holding their relationship together, and without you where would that leave them?

Continue as you are and keep regarding them in a business-like and professional manner. Like gum on the bottom of your stilettos. Keep documenting his vitriol. Truly happy people don't try to keep bashing their exes to their faces while claiming that they're happy.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 12:21 AM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

You handle it like a lot of other women do. You limit contact to his picking up the kids and then returning them after his visitation rights are over. There is no need to invite him into your home, that is on you. If there is business to discuss, keep it on the phone or meet him in a restaurant or other neutral place. Tell him that the OW is not welcome in your home or when he meets you. You are within your legal rights so man up and show him who the boss is. If he tries to throw his new girlfriend at you, remind him that she likes to date married men and you sincerely hope that she does not do it again to him. Leave it at that. It will gnaw on his brain for a long time. Or you can do like one of my girlfriends did when I broke up with her and say she is happy that I found a girlfriend who is OK having sex with a man with a small penis. I didn't but it got into my head. If his penis is not small, substitute something else like someone who ejaculates so fast or whatever will sting his machismo. You have custody iof the kids so act like it.

Today half of the kids out there come from divorced parents. It is no big deal anymore. My niece and nephew grew up just fine with divorced parents. One went to college and married another college graduate and has a nice family and home. The other had a baby a few months ago and is living with a man who owns his own business and will be marrying soon. Many feel that it will damage the kids if they do not give into every thing their dad does or lets him visit whenever he wants. It is far better to let the kids grow up in a loving home with you than a toxic home where parents are always fighting and do not love each other. Either way is a blueprint of how your children will view marriage and it is much better that they do not grow up thinking marriage is loveless, involves cheating and mistreating their spouses. You can explain to your kids that daddy has a new girlfriend and will want to talk about her a lot but you will love them as she never can and not to take sides.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 06-19-2017 at 12:42 PM.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 12:27 AM Thread Starter
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Yeah, i agree. I just need to think of positive things. I just don't understand why he acts the way he does but when he doesn't get his way he is so vindictive. I swear he says to himself "what can i do to piss her off or make her angry".

Im pretty sure he blames all his unhappiness in his life on me. He is too immature to understand happiness comes from within. He has found someone who he feels is giving him happiness again but once the "newness" wear off he will be left with those feelings of inadeqecy. Especially bc i had to move 3 hours away to be with family and he will miss out a lot in our kids life.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 12:35 AM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Yeah, i agree. I just need to think of positive things. I just don't understand why he acts the way he does but when he doesn't get his way he is so vindictive. I swear he says to himself "what can i do to piss her off or make her angry".
You need to stop wondering why he acts like that. When you spend time wondering about it, you are giving him power over you.

Instead just accept that he is like that. Clearly he has a pathetic need to behave like that. End of story.

Again, stop giving him room in your head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Im pretty sure he blames all his unhappiness in his life on me. He is too immature to understand happiness comes from within. He has found someone who he feels is giving him happiness again but once the "newness" wear off he will be left with those feelings of inadeqecy. Especially bc i had to move 3 hours away to be with family and he will miss out a lot in our kids life.
I know that you are struggling to figure how what happened in your life. But here again, you are giving him too much space in your head.

He did what he did because he's the kind of man who cheats and justified it. Done, end of story.

Yes he will miss out on a lot of his children's life. That's the choice that HE made. Again, end of story.

You have the kids mostly. You are the more stable parent. While you might have moved 3 hours away. You get to have your children with you most of the time.


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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 12:41 AM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

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He only writes mean things when I dont give into his demands. His sister has started harassing me as well. I literally do not respond to their negativity, but they keep on texting or trying to call.
What do you think of the idea of having a good friend or family member take all texts from him? Have them then edit out the hurt and then send you the texts that are only dealing with the childrenís welfare minus the hurtful words?.. Anything that he does that is mean spirited have it documented so that you can use that in the child custody rulings.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 02:30 AM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

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Originally Posted by Spoons027 View Post
Let's use some psychology here. Do you really think someone that's truly happy would flaunt that sh!t in your face? That's like a high school tactic of trying to make your ex jealous by showcasing how "happy" you are with a new person. It screams immaturity and insecurity.
That was my immediate reaction in reading this, he is not as happy as he wants you to believe, he obviously is not indifferent and doesn't want you to get to the indifference stage.

You seem to be moving on much better than him. Avoid all contact except via email. Go see a counsellor to help you learn how to handle his behaviour and surround yourself with some solid friends to stand by you.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 04:39 AM
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Cool Re: How to deal with my situation?

Time for you to "woman up" and to get yourself to a good "piranha" family attorney to file for D and to advise you of both your property as well as custodial rights!

You need a barrister who will have absolutely no problem in having the presiding judge throw the book at him for both hefty alimony as well as maximum child support payments!

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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 05:58 AM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

Krissy,

Your husband is obviously a first class moron, and if it is any consolation, relationships borne out of infirdelity have a very very low percentage of working out long term. So bozo may wind up with the karmas bus hitting him.

Your best revenge is to become happy again, and ignoring his stupid antics is the first step. This flaunting is nothing but a power play to show you how he is in control of everything. I hope you have a good attorney and maybe you can use his antics to make it as bit costly for him.

Chatting with your children from BED proves he has the moral compass of a two year old.

You can and will do better.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 06:15 AM
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Re: How to deal with my situation?

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Originally Posted by KrissyR View Post
Yeah, i agree. I just need to think of positive things. I just don't understand why he acts the way he does but when he doesn't get his way he is so vindictive. I swear he says to himself "what can i do to piss her off or make her angry".

Im pretty sure he blames all his unhappiness in his life on me. He is too immature to understand happiness comes from within. He has found someone who he feels is giving him happiness again but once the "newness" wear off he will be left with those feelings of inadeqecy. Especially bc i had to move 3 hours away to be with family and he will miss out a lot in our kids life.
He is turning you into a monster. Why? To prove that he just had to leave you!

There is his version of reality and then the real version of reality:-

This is the you he describes


As against the real you who everyone knows


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