Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

Mostly i'm writing this out so i can get some relief of sharing this with you guys. Take note this is gonna seem like my life story but i wanted you to see both sides- i know this is + isn't her fault for what she has done.

I'm 29 and been married to my wife (30 years old) for 8 years with 2 children (age 3 and 6). Unfortunately i do have an addictive mind, i play far too much computer games and before we got married she already knew this and seemed ok about it. My addiction to games would change the routine at night so she would go to bed at 10pm and i would stay up on the computer till much later 12- 2am. Playing games took away any stress i had from work, i had friends on the game that would only encourage me to come online vs no real friends irl and i guess i would get that much satisfaction from the game that my sex life was pretty bad. She would rarely moan about this addiction, yes we had 2-3 big arguments over a year or 2 about it but 90% of the time she would seem fine about it and not mention anything. Deep down i knew i needed to quit playing games because its not really healthy but it was so hard. However during the day, we would kiss and tell each other "i love you"/ hold hands/ play with the kids/ tried to be the best dad possible/ go out on our days off but usually as soon as the kids go to sleep, i would pretty much get my laptop out. Another thing is we never really spent any time together without the kids and we often worked opposite shifts so our days off together didn't happen often (usually 2 days off a week that we would both be off for).

Anyway we don't have many friends (we only had each other really) and last October she told her parents she wished she had a decent friend she could hang out with. Her parents go to church and had introduced my wife to a woman who was also looking for a friend. Now my wife has had alot of depression before she met me as well as postnatal depression after birth from both our kids. Sometimes it would be hard for me to tell if shes annoyed with me about something or is she feeling low/ had depression- more often than not she would hide her feelings or get frustrated that i kept asking her if shes ok. The other woman (23 years old) has also had/ possibly still recovering from severe depression, was sectioned at the age of 17 but now doing alot better (or seems it). My wife and this girl seemed to get on extremely well, although this other girl seems a touch childlike in a way (she would be into Disney films + music + clothes). The problem is my wife has a very similar personality to her, slightly childlike too and loved to watch the same TV shows/ films etc. I didn't really think it was a problem, i was so happy that she finally had someone else to talk to if i was at work etc, she never had a friend in these years i've been married to her.

I never suspected anything was going on at first but i did think it was weird how fast + instantly connected the two were (i think i was slightly jealous of the attention my wife was getting but i couldn't say anything, i didn't want her to loose the only friend that she actually likes as a friend nor offend my wife by saying anything negative. Now over the months- from November last year to April, l did get hints of something not normal, i saw cards on my wife's table in the bedroom from her friend saying how special she is and how much of a good friend she is. Now i did question what this was about and my wife would reassure me everytime that this girls been through alot of depression (abused as a child/ sectioned) and is overfriendly to everyone including her parents. The thing was i did see cards to my wifes parents saying similar things about how special they were so this completely reassured me that my wife and this girl wasn't having an affair.

My Wifes 30th birthday was last month in May and at the beginning of April i got a text from my wife (while i was at work saying), for her 30th birthday she would really love it to spend 3 days in Disneyland Paris but without the kids and me and just with this girl. I was confused and shocked, i said to her i would prefer if we had a holiday together because we rarely have holidays and also i thought it was kinda selfish on the kids and why? She would reassure me that she wanted time away from the kids, kinda like a break from everything, to relax away from all the stress from kids/ work and that she always wanted to go to Disneyland paris. Also some of her work colleagues have gone away on holiday without their husbands and it would be perfect for her 30th birthday. Still confused, i went to my parents house and questioned it with them and they also thought it was weird and thought perhaps something was going on between my wife and this girl. I told my wife that i feel too uncomfortable about her going away with just this girl and tbh on her 30th birthday- i want to be there with her to celebrate and how could she go away there without at least the kids? kinda selfish.
My wife then admitted she doesn't love me anymore, feeling lonely and wanted to go away to clear her head but has no feelings for this girl. My wife would get very offended for even questioning if they were having an affair.

I felt so sad, but i knew things have died down alot over the last few months but Tbh- the past few months i was actually making money from gaming! (not gambling) so my obsession got worse but she knew and encouraged it... after all it led me to affording a bathroom and new sofa! We'd never saved that much money before and i was so happy seeing my wife smile when she saw the paypal balance.

I guess i didn't believe that she didn't love me. I mean this was the first time she said anything negative towards the marriage. I admitted the game was ruining everything, its stopping me from getting her attention at night and actually i wanted more love and i knew i had to change. My parents got us both to sit down and discuss all our problems/ what we want/ don't want/ is there a future and my wife agreed our problems would be sorted if i stopped playing the game and that she doesn't want to split up from me. I did just that, for over a month i stopped playing all online games, went to bed at the same time as her, tried to give attention to her but she would seem "off" with me. She would push me away if i tried to hug her, she would find kissing awkward, she felt i was forcing things and always told me you need to give me more time. I was going to the gym alot trying to make myself look better, i felt so much better not being on the game and felt things will work out, i'm sure.

Here's where i got really paranoid, i noticed her friend would come to the house alot more often, sometimes 4 times a week. I would come back home from work and usually the girl is there sitting on the sofa chatting/ almost like flirting with my wife while watching TV. They seemed to be getting on more than ever. Still i just thought they were just very good friends until i noticed my wife was txting her alot and i mean ALOT. I started to become very paranoid and i did confront her if there was anything going on and each time i mentioned this it would lead to an argument about trust. Still i couldn't get the phone off her to read her messages, she wouldn't allow me to even touch it. I felt there's something she doesn't want me to know about.

My wife normally drops her friend off back at her mothers house (around 23:00) and i did notice its taking her quite a while to return back home considering she only lives 5 mins away. My paranoia kicked in and i wanted to know whats taking them so long? is there something actually going on? So i downloaded a sound recorder app on my phone and placed it under the drivers seat, i hit record just before my wife set off to drop her friend off and luckily they didn't notice and i retrieved my phone back (yes i felt so guilty that this is so sneaky and thought they are prob just good friends, what am i doing???). Anyway I hit play and could hear them passionately kissing each other for 7-8 minutes. I was in shock. I couldn't sleep. My wife was in bed at this point and I spent pretty much the whole night on the sofa analysing the recording and trying to make sense and what does this mean/ what do i do now?. The next day i confronted my wife, firstly by asking her is there anything your hiding from me/ have you kissed anyone else? which she angrily replied "no" and it was only when i told her i left a sound recorder in the car last night that she admitted everything. My wife has told me that she has been having an affair with her friend for 4 weeks, it just started by talking and hugging each other to make themselves feel better and then they kissed- "it just happened." My wife says she has more feelings for her than me and doesn't wish to leave her but has never had lesbian feelings before. She tells me shes confused and wishes she likes me as much as her. I think most people would leave but its so hard! I feel so **** because i understand now how i ruined things (and i was oblivious) with my stupid obsessions and just as i was trying to improve things and while my wife was most vulnerable, another vulnerable girl comes along and wins my wife over me. I was too late!

I don't know what to do. My wife hasn't admitted to me what she wants. I want my wife back but i don't want her to fake a relationship with me if she likes females instead? If shes never had feelings for females but does for this one girl- does that make her definitely gay? Do i just go in separate bedrooms and let them 2 see how things work out because the best scenario for me is my wife and this girl could realise they were both low and wanted to make themselves feel happier and accidentally started something that doesn't last and my wife may come back to me AND then i can work on "us" and see if i can get her to reconnect to me. Also i haven't spoken to anyone in the family about this until i know for certain the direction of our future and she figures out more about herself.

Sorry if alot of this didn't make sense. I just wanted to get all my feelings out there.

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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

Sorry that you are here and in this situation.

All I would say at this point is: although you may have contributed to your wife seeking affection elsewhere, she made the conscious decision to pursue an affair with this other woman. You are not responsible for her making that choice, so please stop beating yourself up about it.
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

I don't see how you can come back from your wife finding out she is homosexual, OP.

If I were you, I would just let her go. She needs to be free to live according to her nature.

And you need to move on. I am sure there is a gal out there who will love you and only you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

I've questioned to see if shes just discovered if she likes women only and here's her reply:

"I don't know if i do or if it's just a connection. I'm so sorry to put your through this pain, my love for you was 100%. I've never particularly fancied any male or female in the past. I'm hurting myself because i see the pain i'm causing you and you're being really supportive and i imagine the potential pain i'm going to cause our children and parents"
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

Don't leave.

Tell her to get out.

And knock it off with the late night gaming -- you're about to be a single parent and won't have time for that anyway.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

Your wife seems to have made her decision. Even if your wife is Bisexual, you will still end up sharing her with another female. No more lies.
Sorry but your wife has told finally you what she wants - believe her and move on.
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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

OH. It is also time to separate finances. YOU do not need to pay for your wife's affair. Concentrate on the kids.
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

I'm not sure if I would write this off just yet. You have to be sure if she really does prefer females to males, she seemed pretty shocked this whole this happened in the first place. I'm not sure if you know that just yet. Is she willing to give her up for you? Is her friend a lesbian?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

Adultery is adultery no matter the gender of the AP.

If you want to reconcile, I recommend telling your wife to choose. If she wishes to remain married, she completely cuts contact with her AP. If she is unwilling to do that, file.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:56 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

You say she met her lover at church.

How does this church view infidelity? Homosexuality? Is her faith important to her and if there is a discrepancy between doctrine and her action, how will she deal with that?

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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

Your marital issues are irrelevant at this point. She crossed a line when she betrayed her wedding vows, and that, and only that should be your focus. She is 100% to blame. Also for the same reason, the sex of her AP is not what matters.

You need to tell her right now, that she has two choices. She can go be with her girlfriend and be divorced, or she can stop all contact immediately. If she does you will "consider R". But that you won't commit to it. Not until you've had a chance to sort out whether you can forgive her and not until she has demonstrated genuine remorse, a willingness to do the heavy lifting to help you heal, and a commitment to rebuilding the marriage.

She decides now. If she can't decide you will accept that as her choice to end the marriage.
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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
I'm not sure if I would write this off just yet. You have to be sure if she really does prefer females to males, she seemed pretty shocked this whole this happened in the first place. I'm not sure if you know that just yet. Is she willing to give her up for you? Is her friend a lesbian?
She genuinely doesn't know or won't tell me, I did manage to read her messages and while her friend was giving my wife all those nice compliments like "you look so hot, beautiful/ you complete me" my wife wasn't really giving those complement's back, just short answers followed by loads of xxxxxxxxxx's. I can only imagine this friend is a lesbian and has seduced my wife and my wife prob feeling low in mood has given into it. Either way before the affair started my wife told me she didn't love me, so even if she stopped seeing her, i will prob find that i can't connect to her anyway. She has tried to put off having sex in so long and finds it uncomfortable even if i touch her leg. I don't want to leave her but it sucks getting hurt like this so i have no choice. jee I haven't eaten since yesterday morning.

I know absolutely nothing about divorce but i know its ugly usually for the men, maybe my parents will help. I still haven't told them thinking it will all blow over but that's like waiting for a miracle to happen now.
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

Expose, expose and then expose some more. She is screwed. How will her parents view her homosexuality? The church? Your friends? HER WORK? She has crossed the line and she is facing a very very bleak future. In a small community or large, if you choose to divorce, she will lose everything. My experience in this matter is limited to several client occurrences, usually the partner who has come out of the closet, suffers. There is a long period of people turning their backs. The old prejudices come out and quickly alter the life they once had. She has really risked her future. You should not be playing pick me, or trying to keep your family "together". Get your kids away from this, they will suffer for her choices .
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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

If you choose to file it can always be stopped but it shows your boundary open and clear.

Boundaries marked like a newly painted double-striped parking lot would be helpful here.

Don't paint any you cannot maintain though...

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Wife having an affair with another woman and is confused. (This gameover for me?)

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Originally Posted by subsidel View Post
I still haven't told them thinking it will all blow over but that's like waiting for a miracle to happen now.
Thinking this will blow over is called rug sweeping. This was not a casual experiment. It is nothing less than a betrayal to you, your marriage, and the family.

You can't wait for a miracle because one won't come. You need to force a resolution one way or another. You need to be confident and decisive.
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