Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

My wife cheated on me for 3.5 years

127K views 278 replies 70 participants last post by  BadGrammar 
#1 ·
On the 8 April 2017 I found out that my wife was having an affair.
My wife had gone to bed and I was down stairs finishing my beer off. I went up stairs about 45 mins later to go to bed. I saw that my wife was watching a program on her mobile phone, but she had fallen asleep. So I went to turn off her phone and a what's app message came up on the screen, with just 'xxx' on it! Immediately my heart sank and I just knew what was happening. So I looked at her phone in the next door bedroom and open a whole world of ****!
Messages after messages between her and this other man, soul destroying! Also found messages between my wife and her friend. So I took loads of ss of the messages for evidence. I went outside to drink loads of beer and a big fat Cuban cigar to get my head around the situation. At about 0430 my wife comes out to say what the hell was I doing outside, and I said nothing, little be known to me she had looked at her notifications on her phone and the messages were already open, so she knew straight away!!!
The next day was v awkward for both of us, both not knowing that we both knew. When my son went to bed and after an hour when he went to sleep, my wife just said "so how much do you know?" I think you can all guess what happened then!
It's been 2 months now and I've decided to give the marriage another go as does my wife and things have been going great. I'm in the Army and have been away from home for 1 week out of 2, and I'm now starting how am I going to forgive her. **** going through my head is mental. I so want to have sex with her but it disgusts me that someone else has been there. We have started marriage guidence and will have our 2 session on Monday. I'm so confused ATM and don't know which way to turn. We have been together for 18 years, married for 14 and have a 7yo son.
 
See less See more
#6 ·
She has to find a new job bro. You have to tell the wife. The marriage has to be better for a long time. Then maybe you could forgive. As far as the mind games go. You just have to learn to deal with it. No magic bullet for that.
I felt like I had to cheat back. Didn't help much. She stuck it out through that. This included a pregnancy scare from the other women. That did help me forgive.
So sorry your here. This will be a hard road for you.
 
#7 ·
@Cradleoffilth75 so sorry you had to seek us out, but pleased you found us.

You will need to ask your wife about a DNA test on your child.

And a polygraph session using the three questions used by the Jeremy Kyle Show:-

1) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you passionately kissed another person?
2) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you had any sexual contact with another person other than the one person he knows about?
3) Since you married Cradleoffilth75 have you ever had sexual intercourse with another person other than the one person he knows about?

Counselling, both individual and as a couple is worth investigating.
 
#16 ·
I can tell you that I have been 100% faithful to my wife throughout the whole of my relationship with my wife. I admit that last year I had sex handed to me on a plate whilst I was drunk and I said "no thanks I'm a married man" so cheating when you have had a few beers is a cop out! Marriage for me is about being with one person!
I can guarantee that my son is mine
 
#10 · (Edited)
She is looking for another job ATM.
I'm not telling his wife, I know that he has got naked pictures of my wife! So if I tell his wife then she will leave him and he will have nothing to loose by putting those pics up on social media. The best sort of revenge is to know what I know and he won't know if I'll say anything to his wife, knowledge is Power. I'm going to let him sweat!
Nope, you don't know what you're dealing with. Other man and your wife will take your lack of actions as a sign of weakness and keep on banging her at will.

Affairs are addictions you get the addict around the source you get relapse. The affair will continue. Just because you found out doesn't mean a thing.

Helping them hide their affair will just enable it further. I've seen this played before and the betrayed always ends up getting burned. Just as you're going to.

At this time your fear is defining you.
 
#11 ·
A few things...

1. Expose the affair to OM's wife ASAP. Doing this will significantly increase your chances of squashing the affair. Plus she has the right to know.

2. Take this as Gospel: for as long as they're working together (or in the same building or whatever), the affair is still on. She gets a new job -- and ASAP -- or you file for divorce.

3. She goes 100% no contact with OM -- immediately and permanently -- or you file for divorce.

4. DNA your kid -- the affair may have been going on for much longer than 3.5 years. Also, this might not be her first affair.

5. Get your hands on as much evidence (back up her phone and extract texts, etc) as you can get and back it up in a couple of different cloud locations.

6. All ^this^ aside, given that your wife was actively trying to get this POS to leave his wife for her, you might as well just go ahead and file.

7. If OM posts nudes of your wife anywhere, he'll be committing not only a civil offense, but a criminal offense as well, so don't let that threat keep you from doing the right thing.
 
#13 ·
Seriously , you are gone every other week. There is nothing stopping your wife from seeing him. She has already shown you she is a cheater and by definition that makes her a liar. You would still have no idea what was going if she had not left her phone be unguarded. Inform his wife discretely as to what happened so she can watch him and see if they are still carrying on.
 
#15 ·
Yep again.

I wouldn't bother with discretion, though. Call her tomorrow and tell her.

Do it in front of your wife, but don't let her know who you're calling until you're on the phone with her.
 
#17 ·
I would bet at this time any good advice will not do you any good because you think you've got this all figured out.

Nothing special here just a typical workplace affair of which we've seen many.

How many affairs have you seen and dealt with?

I'd bet none. Yet you think you've got this all figured out but you'd be wrong.

You are already in the betrayed spouse syndrome.
Hiding their affair, affraid to tell her to quit her job, thinking that since you know it'll end, letting your fear of what her long term boyfriend might do control you, taking no actions other than talk.

You are about to learn the hard way but no one can tell you anything at this time.

This is typical too. Seen it many times before.

Good luck. You're going to need it
 
#19 ·
Word.

OP found out two months ago and has been away from home half of the time since then.

There's no way they're not still banging.

Sorry, but there's no way they just dropped a 3 1/2 year relationship just because OP found out.

Why would they? He's the only (new) person that knows, and he's gone half the time. Functionally speaking, he's not done anything about it.

Want more eyes on this thing, OP?

Expose to his wife.

Oh, and the friend that knew about the affair? She's gotta be gone too. She's no friend to your marriage.
 
#27 ·
She also had the best sex of her life with him.

Did you have her tested for stds?

She probably had another man with him for a threesome.

File for D.

Take her over to his house. She can live with him now. that is a very long A.

She loves him. and not you. File for D. EXpose expose and then expose some more.
 
#32 · (Edited)
Given that OP is in the UK, and especially considering everything that @SID SNOT has been dealing with after exposing his STBXW's affair, it's probably worth pointing out that any exposure here should be very measured, should not be in written format (no social media, no e-mail, text, handwritten or printed letter, etc), and should be done with as much tact as possible.

Sucks that you have to jump through those kinds of hoops, but hey -- it's Eurostan.
 
#34 ·
Given that OP is in the UK, and especially considering everything that @SiDSNOT has been dealing with after exposing his STBXW's affair, it's probably worth pointing out that any exposure here should be very measured, should not be in written format (no social media, no e-mail, text, handwritten or printed letter, etc), and should be done with as much tact as possible.

Sucks that you have to jump through those kinds of hoops, but hey -- it's Eurostan.



Maybe we can change the exposure so that the BS isn't the focus of the exposure. Let's just imagine for a few minutes here. What if a person down on his luck and without a home bought a burner phone. That burner phone finds its way into the hands of OP. OP, being an avid reader goes to a public library to utilize a computer. OP could get OM's phone number from his wife's phone. At the library a Facebook account is created by deleting one letter in OM's current Facebook name. Friend request OM's friends and OP's wife's friends. Go back to the library, post numerous texts that OP has screen shots of, and announce the affair.

Wait a day and OP then goes to OM's work and blames him for the exposure. OP will know of the exposure by his wife coming in to scream at OP for exposing publicly. OP just denies this and says I have no idea what you are talking about. By confronting OM, OP's wife just may believe he didn't do it. You can also take the homeless person with you to the library to actually type it and then OP isn't even lying. Exposure happens just the same. You can then use the burner phone to taunt OM, make him nervous by saying Facebook was only the beginning of exposure.
 
#33 ·
This is why you can't reconcile most of the time. You have to either watch like a hawk or move on. If you want to monitor her, out cameras all over your house. Out keylogfera on the computer. Put audio recorders in her car.

Or just gtfo.
 
#38 ·
Exposure kills affairs, I informed my wife's OM's BW. Best private eye I never hired, OM was too concerned with protecting his ass he barely spoke to my wife. I found out later OMW actually wanted OM to quit also. I heard this about a year after OM quit. If you are worried about Facebook, I can understand. However, if you use a public computer, you're chances of getting caught are very slim. In fact any good or halfway decent lawyer would show that anyone could have done it. If you really want to tie it back to OM use his phone number to tie it back to the Facebook account once you have created it. OM may get a message but it won't come back to you. You can expose without it ever being known it was you. By not exposing, and the **** test your wife gave you by asking what you know, you came across as weak. It's not too late to appear strong though. Just go home and ask your wife for her phone. Once she gives it to you tell her you are going to meet OMW to discuss the stories each of you have told. Watch the panic come rushing to her face as you walk out of the house.

You have way more power then you think, are you strong enough to use it? That's the question Cradle, how will you end it?
 
#45 ·
Originally Posted by Cradleoffilth75
But if I do the exposure thing and she really has stopped seeing him, it could back fire on me and she could go back to him! Every action has a reaction! And if it does I have to think of my son and how this may affect him.


The affair had been blown open, I know about it and all my family. I guess I don't want the fear of rejection again!
You are only 2 months from D-day and you are shell shocked! You are also in a hostage situation; you are compromising because you cannot take more of the rejection pain…What you need is strong action by you so get all the help that you can so that you can take the right actions. Words and talk will not be enough to get on the right tract.

Your wife has been having an emotional and sexual bond with this OM for 3.5 YEARS!...This bond is not going to be broken by you being timid and compromising…You are going to have to get rid of some of your fear so that you can follow a plan of R or D…There are tons of information on how to R or D but you have to be strong enough to follow through with the plan or you will become a door mat.

Your wife is much damaged and unless she starts taking very strong actions to help herself and the family she will drag you down and make you into an emotional cripple.

You can get through this but you need the right help, plan, and you have to get stronger so that you take the right actions. Staying in a state of fear and compromising is very counterproductive to an R or a D.

 
#51 ·
Cradle

If the affair is ongoing, you have but one option, divorce. Reconciliation is a guaranteed failure if she is still in the affair. Let's just look at this in a perfect world, they work together, barely speak and have no lunches or time together. They are simply coworkers like you are at your employment. The fact that they see each other at all brings back every thought of the affair, all the good memories they share. Exposure kills that, eventually they are either together or become indifferent to each other. Just imagine how difficult it would be for both of they went to work and everyone knew of the affair. Both would walk with heads down in shame. But they don't, because of no exposure.

Your wife working there keeps the affair going, ask her if you could have an affair then continue to work with your affair partner. A resounding hell no is what you would hear. Your finger is on the trigger, expose this affair to their HR. Expose to OMW so the OM is in damage control as your wife is. This OM invaded your marriage, your wife accepted his advances, now you stand firm and launch your attack of your own. If you want divorce or reconciliation you need to stand firm. Tell your wife today she puts in her notice to quit today. Tell her she has consequences to face and she will face them. She made a choice, now you are.
 
#52 ·
Cradle

If the affair is ongoing, you have but one option, divorce. Reconciliation is a guaranteed failure if she is still in the affair. Let's just look at this in a perfect world, they work together, barely speak and have no lunches or time together. They are simply coworkers like you are at your employment. The fact that they see each other at all brings back every thought of the affair, all the good memories they share. Exposure kills that, eventually they are either together or become indifferent to each other. Just imagine how difficult it would be for both of they went to work and everyone knew of the affair. Both would walk with heads down in shame. But they don't, because of no exposure.

Your wife working there keeps the affair going, ask her if you could have an affair then continue to work with your affair partner. A resounding hell no is what you would hear. Your finger is on the trigger, expose this affair to their HR. Expose to OMW so the OM is in damage control as your wife is. This OM invaded your marriage, your wife accepted his advances, now you stand firm and launch your attack of your own. If you want divorce or reconciliation you need to stand firm. Tell your wife today she puts in her notice to quit today. Tell her she has consequences to face and she will face them. She made a choice, now you are.
...and his wife is nothing but a quisling.
 
#53 ·
Despite your fears, I believe that the OBS has a right to know. She also has a right to be tested for STD's, not specifically from your wife, but one cannot be sure that this was not OM's first rodeo, so to speak. Certainly if he releases naked pictures of your wife, SO WHAT? That is a consequence of her actions. As I have stated in the past, I am very big on consequences. Right now, she isn't feeling a lot of pain resulting from her opening her legs for another man. I suggest that if those pictures are released, she can wear a big scarlet A. The other thing is, if the OM releases those pics, do you honestly think that she would run right back to him? Doubtful. And, given that you are in the British Armed Forces, one is sure that if he releases pictures of that nature, that you have a regiment full of buddies that just might step into OM's sh8t, and make him regret ever meeting your wife.
 
#54 ·
I don't think your thinking straight......your in your own fog, you are willing to accept anything, to hold on to anything, willing to still allow her to provide no transparency, allow her to not expose her shame, allow him to call your bluff, he is comfortable knowing that you will not expose to his wife, not confront him, not have her do any of the heavy lifting in keeping this marriage....you are playing from fear than strengthen. you lost her already and if she stays she will stay because of trying to keep the family intact and not for loving you...not right now at least...she will stay for guilt and shame....because you are only demostrating beta male tendency.
 
#56 ·
Expose to other mans wife. File for divorce. You can stop the divorce at any time. She needs to experience consequences. Also, DNA your child. That shows WW how much trust is lost. She needs to change jobs, too. Otherwise, it will continue. What she needs is consequences. 3.5 years! Damn. Feel for you.
 
#60 ·
Tell the om's wife, she also has a right to know. It will keep him busy trying to save his own marriage. If he puts the nude pictures online he can be thrown into jail for that. Do not be afraid of what he might do and why should you protect your wifes honor when she didnt protect it her self?


Sorry about the caps
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top