stressedmomandwife

Hi, Im new to this but I need help/advice.
Where to begin... About a month ago I happened to look through my H cell phone, I noticed there were deleted text messages with a co worker I then took down her phone number and looked up our phone records and found out that there were ongoing text messages between them for several months. I confronted him and he said it was all work related, of course I did not believe him and begged for the truth. He finally admited that she was just a friend but that there were some inappropriate comments made between the two. Prior to him beginning this A we were both unhappy and had problems, I felt myself falling out of love. We have been together for almost 9 years and have two kids, it is very easy for a marriage to become a routine and I think that is why we were falling apart, but we were working on things and I thought things were getting better, I was falling in love with him all over again. I have been trying so hard to get passed this and forgive him, but I cant stop thinking about it, it still feels so fresh and hurts so bad. I cant help but to feel betrayed, ugly, hurt, he has been trying to be very supportive and has stopped talking to her. I confronted her and asked her to stop talking to him as well. Obviously I dont know what happens at work but of course I still look at our phone records and there has not been any activity with her. Will this get easier? Can I learn to trust him again? Will it stop hurting? How do I forgive him and move past this without throwing it in his face everytime I think about it? Its been such an emotional rollercoaster, Im mad at him, hurt with him, but love him so much and I dont see myself without him, but giving up seems so much easier. Help.

Complexity

I'm sorry for your pain stressedmom, while cheating is never acceptable and you have every right to be upset, I suppose you should look at it contextually. The affair started during a rough time in your marriage, you admittedly were falling out of love with each other and like some users will point out, their affair partner essentially became a drug to him.

I suppose one upside is the fact he didn't fall in love with her. There are many horror stories of a spouse falling in love with their affair partner and the domestic relationship is never the same after that. Be glad that he's been honest, remorseful and supportive while you deal with this turmoil and be even more relived that it didn't lead into a physical affair.

It will take quiet a while to process and get over everything, I suppose you both should attend marriage counselling to address the root of your marital problems.

stressedmomandwife

Im definetly glad that it did not turn physical and that he did not fall in love. I really want to move past this but I cant seem to let it go. I keep trying to get more and more answers from him, and he is so tired of talking about it, he feels that because it was not physical and he did not fall for her that it was not cheating, but I disagree. Thank you, I am definetly looking into counseling.

Complexity

It's definitely cheating. Don't let him think his actions were negligible. Ask him what if the tables turned around, how would he react?

Regardless, I do think counselling is the way to go because your marriage is definitely salvageable. Just read some of the threads here to get an idea of how bad things can really get. It will take time for you to get over it and he has to realise this, it's a consequence of betraying someone but at the same time don't let the lines between closure and bearing grudges get too blurred as it will hamper your reconciliation process.

stressedmomandwife

I think the hardest part is that I don't know the details and he says he can't remember. How do I move forward if I don't know what was said or done? How do I learn to trust him if I don't believe a word he says. He says hes over it and wants to just move forward and forget, but wha about me? Wha about closure? Should I even care what was said?
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Complexity

Regarding the details, he probably remembers but he's perhaps too ashamed or maybe the content might be hurtful and so he's saving you from all the pain. Stupid things are said in stupid circumstances.

I think it all depends on what you ultimately want. If he tells you all the things he said, will that add more to your pain and exasperate your marital problems or will it help you gain closure? Some couples like to know everything 100% but in your situation I fear it might cause you to bear even greater resentment towards him. Your curiosity will always be there but once you find out, will you be able to handle the new revelations?

You need to tell him that you won't stand for his rug sweeping and this marriage moves along only on your terms. If you want complete transparency he has to cooperate. The crucial thing is not to rush the reconciliation process. You have to fully heal first and reach a place where you're satisfied with his remorse and he's capable of gaining your trust and respect back. That usually starts with admitting that he did actually cheat.

DesperateHeart

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I would be very careful at this stage. Him not owning up to the EA and "being tired of talking about it" and not remembering details shows that he is not truly remorseful. He's in denial of what he's done and probably doesn't even really get the amount of hurt he has piled on you. Unless he realizes just how much damage he has done and owns up that it was an EA, chances are that he'll fall back to his old ways...after he doesn't see anything wrong with it!

My own H was like that. I just "moved forward" and "forgave" him and the OW last March after confronting them and believing naively that they would stop the EA. Fast forward several months and I found out the EA continued, and in fact turned into PA in August. This continued till end of November when I found out. So don't rug sweep now! Go to MC with him. Protect your marriage before things worsen. These things should not just be forgotten. It should be worked out.

Hope the best for you.

AngryandUsed

I agree with DesparateHeart. How are you sure that it did not PA?

stressedmomandwife

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stressedmomandwife

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Complexity

Your best bet is now marriage counselling. Maybe if he hears it from a third party about the need to be open about everything, he'll tell you what you need to know. Who knows he might be telling the truth and it was just silly flirting. Either way you need to address the core issues surrounding your marital problems that led to all of this.

X-unknown

Emotional Affairs have the problem of being not a problem for some folks or they don't see how what there doing could hurt anyone. Read some books. "Not Just Friends" is excellent. Have him read chapter 8.

Do you need to know all the details? Get into a therapists office and talk that our. I was the guy who needed to know and its been really hard to hear and get out of her, We both had to address depression (bad enough to take meds) and that has helped. Get some medical advise is my amateur 2 cents worth.

stressedmomandwife

He has told me supposedly all he remembers, he's even told me what went on in his mind, that he looked at her butt a few times. But I feel like he sugar coats everything so that I don't get mad, my husband is a very forgetful person naturally, so I want to believe that he truly doesn't remember. I just wish I didn't feel he need to know everything that was said, thought of. After I found out About them i texted her from his cell phone pretending to be him to find out just how far the relationship got and found out it was nothing physical and that she is just a very innropriate person. She is engaged yet hits on everyone at work to the point where she told my husband to leave me to be with her.
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oaksthorne

You will not believe or trust him until he talks openly to you about his A, and you understand why it happened and what is needed to prevent a repeat performance. Like it or not, he is the key to your ability to put everything back in the right drawers. He messed up, and now he had to man up and help you recover. He may be able to "move forward" but you can't until you understand this, and you can't do that in a vacuum.

oaksthorne

My H told me all he remembered too, unfortunately he only chose to remember the parts that minimized his A, and distorted what actually happened. It is very difficult to get beyond betrayal, it takes a long time and a lot of honest work, especially on the part of the cheater. I don't know if you have any self help books. If not I would suggest that you get some. Not Just Friends is very good. In any case it really doesn't matter if the OW was inappropriate or not.My H's AP chased him like a hungry lion, but he could have stopped her in her tracks if he had wanted to. He did not want to, he chose to continue an inappropriate relationship with her, and he kept trying to shift the blame to her rather than taking responsibility for his own choices. He could not have arrived at his current level of insight without talking about what happened over and over
( reluctantly) and trying to understand it. It is a gift he must be willing to give you. Feeling uncomfortable and guilty is how he will show you that he cares, and that the relationship is worth some sacrifice of his dignity. He certainly has been willing to sacrifice your dignity.