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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-19-2012, 07:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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13 months ago my husband found out I was cheating with one of his co-workers. It devastated him, he was angry and hurt. I felt shame and guilt. We talked about possibly ending the marriage, then we found out he maybe incarcerated. We are a young couple, he's 27 I'm 26 we have 2 beautiful sons together. After all was said and done we decided to give our marriage a chance. I promised to turn things around and so did he. He said it was going to be hard to forgive what I had done but he was willing to try because he loved me. I agreed and on we went. The first few months were great, until I started finding e-mails, Facebook messages, texts messages from people he was talking to. On several ocassions I asked him to stop, I tried to be understanding of how he felt. He never stopped talking and reaching out to these women. A week ago I saw a text message on his phone from my best friend. In this text she said "please stop, I told you I don't want to this anymore. It was a mistake." I confronted him and he told me he cheated with her. I was upset but at the same time I knew it was coming. I find myself wondering what I should be feeling. We have a history, over the years I've gone from trusting him blindly, to playing detective and now I just expect to find out things he's hiding. I am torn between wanting to leave or staying and give him a chance to change.
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Your cheating doesn't give him the right to cheat also. What you both did was wrong (although as the betrayed spouse I guess deep down I'm glad you get to experience the same hurt you leveled on him). You both have lousy boundaries. You both keep secrets and disrespect each other and your marriage.

First, he must end all contact for life with his affair partner. You both must spend lots of uninterrupted time together working on your marriage. Your marriage must become transparent (passwords, cell phones, etc.). And you've got to meet each others needs.

Fill out the emotional needs questionnaire at marriage builders. Perhaps seek counseling. And give it the 2-5 years a marriage takes to recover from infidelity. Good luck.
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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He caught you banging one of his coworkers, and now you've caught him texting your friend. Hmmmmm.....these revenge affairs are too complicated. He should have divorced you for cheating on him instead of getting into an EA with your friend.
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Old 01-19-2012, 09:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You have a dysfunctional marriage. You cheated and he moronically cheated back. You can look at it from two perspectives , 1) you're now both even and can start a new page, 2) you've both broken your wedding vows and need to find new relationships were you'll be faithful to your partners.
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Sounds like a revenge affair to me. Why did you cheat in the first place? You surely must have known that this would probably destroy your marriage. Have the both of you now been tested for STD;s?
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Is it your affair partner who might be going to prison? Or your husband?
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:40 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Your husband has been cheating with your best friend.. well ex-best friend. Have you spoken with her about what went on?

It sounds like this is a revenge affair .. and he picked someone closer to you and a co-worker.

What do you think you will do now?
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
He caught you banging one of his coworkers, and now you've caught him texting your friend. Hmmmmm.....these revenge affairs are too complicated. He should have divorced you for cheating on him instead of getting into an EA with your friend.
On the dot, Lordmayhem. OP should consider if there was a marriage at all.
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Old 01-20-2012, 01:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
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When you ****ed around with his co worker did you thought of your husband and how much it will hurt him, no. You are selfish enough to betray your husband and two children. As WW How can you expect your husband to be faithful to you when you are not. He is in anger, disgust and hurt it may have led him into another affair. He may have used it as a vent of his pain and emotional roller coster. If he can forgive you for a fu2king LTA with his co worker why cant you forgive him. don't be so selfish. You are even now and glad that you also feel the pain of betrayal. Karma strikes nowadays toooo fast. Now both of you are even get some counciling, solve the problems in your marriage, forgive him unconditionally as your wreckless behaviour brought it in to your family.
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Old 01-20-2012, 03:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Do not just forgive him unconditionally, and just rugsweep, and move on---yes you cheated---THAT DID NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO CHEAT-----He may be having a Revenge A., or even setting up an exit A.---But if he wants to be with other women---then you both need to go your seperate ways.

As to this crap about the playing field is now level---that is the biggest crock of BS-----so now you both need to be is misery, and act like scum, I say BS to that line of thinking.---cheating is murder, of the soul, marriage, and betrayed's heart--- THERE IS NO LEVEL PLAYING FIELD, THERE IS ONLY PAIN, MISERY, UNHAPPINESS, AND LOSS OF TRUST, amongst other things

You have every right to act like, and demand, what you need, as you are now a betrayed spouse---also hopefully your best friend, is now deleted from your life completely
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Old 01-20-2012, 05:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by baldmale View Post
Your cheating doesn't give him the right to cheat also. What you both did was wrong (although as the betrayed spouse I guess deep down I'm glad you get to experience the same hurt you leveled on him). You both have lousy boundaries. You both keep secrets and disrespect each other and your marriage.

First, he must end all contact for life with his affair partner. You both must spend lots of uninterrupted time together working on your marriage. Your marriage must become transparent (passwords, cell phones, etc.). And you've got to meet each others needs.

Fill out the emotional needs questionnaire at marriage builders. Perhaps seek counseling. And give it the 2-5 years a marriage takes to recover from infidelity. Good luck.
Thanks for the feedback, I know what you mean by saying "glad I get to experience the same hurt." I didn't, this is something I have come to expect from him. There is history, this wasn't his first affair. After he found out about my affair, I told him everything. I gave him my cell phone, all my accounts passwords, I would call before I left work, while on my way home. I have been on the other side before. Again thank you very much for your honesty.
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Old 01-20-2012, 05:07 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by lordmayhem View Post
He caught you banging one of his coworkers, and now you've caught him texting your friend. Hmmmmm.....these revenge affairs are too complicated. He should have divorced you for cheating on him instead of getting into an EA with your friend.
Yes, I found the text but hubby admitted to the affair.
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Old 01-20-2012, 05:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Sounds like a revenge affair to me. Why did you cheat in the first place? You surely must have known that this would probably destroy your marriage. Have the both of you now been tested for STD;s?
Thanks for the concern, but yes we were both tested.
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Old 01-20-2012, 05:10 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Is it your affair partner who might be going to prison? Or your husband?
My husband is...
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Old 01-20-2012, 05:13 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Your husband has been cheating with your best friend.. well ex-best friend. Have you spoken with her about what went on?

It sounds like this is a revenge affair .. and he picked someone closer to you and a co-worker.

What do you think you will do now?
I actually had stopped talking to her about 18 months ago, by my husband's suggestion...She e-mailed me and said "Did you think I was the only one of your friends He's bainging?"

I want to give our marriage a chance and I thought the last year had been the chance to take care of what went wrong when I had the affair.
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