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I feel sick from wife's EA

177K views 567 replies 104 participants last post by  Walloped 
#1 ·
Man posting this makes me nervous, but nonetheless. I feel sick like I already know what the answers may be. Ok so, my wife and I were teenage sweethearts who went
our seperate ways and married other people. Ten years ago, through the magic of Myspace, we reconnected...flirted, met up, and you get the picture.
I left my wife to re-connect with her; she left her husband as well (although it turned out he was already involved in an affair). Ten years have passed and we have 4 beautiful kids as well. We have gone through
some rough patches, but nothing I think like this.
So, let me start by saying she is an fun, exciting, loving personality. Has always expressed great love for me. I on the other hand am somewhat the opposite...reserved I guess.
She has always been so devoted! But almost borderline smothering and clingy as well, which would really be my only gripe. But she's BEAUTIFUL (seriously) so I have to count myself lucky I guess.
For what it's worth, She was basically the only child of a successful ministry family, she put out a couple albums in the 90's...but yes, for the past 8 years it has been
life stuck at the house raising kids while I went to work.
Her previous marriage lasted 10 years. She once told me a fellow she worked with at her father's church invited her to meet him at a motel. According to her,
she went there, they briefly hugged, he kissed her and she ran home and confessed to her husband. I believed that...I knew no other side of her.
Now, I'll keep this short. A year and half ago January 2nd, 2016, she woke me up frantic. I was in a daze. She confessed she had been chatting with an ex-boyfriend
on Facebook for a month. She said she felt bad, and broke it off with him after Xmas, he went crazy and was threatening to come shoot her (He lived 5 hrs away). She went on
to say she sent him a revealing picture of her posing topless the prior week but nothing else really serious. I was floored. Thought maybe I was dreaming.
Never, this cant be real! She also told me she was only chatting with him because I never showed her love or attention etc etc. I believed it. I had no plan
for this. The next couple months I struggled, bad. She really didnt want to discuss what happened without telling me about my mistakes (Years ago) and how they drove her
to this. We would yell and cry and talk. The truth (I guess) trickled over that time AND she pointed out she confessed to it to me so wasnt hiding anything; they started innocent texting; Never talked about sexual stuff; talked some
crap about me; and sent him a naked pic. to which he simply said she was beautiful. I believed it. I didnt feel right though; She couldnt have been making plans to meet up with him
could she? I found a motel in his town mapquested. She denied it saying she simply wanted to see where his town was at, it chose that particular spot. I believed her.
He sent an email to our family account telling her the hotel reservations (a different one in a nearby big city) and plans were all BS and SHE BROKE HIS HEART AND
strung him along, using him. She explained he was a meth head and was just trying to stir up trouble. I believed her. I wanted to believe her. Let me tell you, our
Email box after that stayed CLEAN even deleted emails.
Oh BTW, the topless pic she sent to him, she sent the same one to me the day I was released from the hospital fighting a very serious infection. I wonder who got the pic
first? Fast forward 6 months, she's in a new band. I'm a silent basket case. A younger guy, late 20's, the guitarist, And her I find are texting each other like
30-60 times a day. I found that out by secretly looking at our bill online. So I snuck her outside one night, and sure enough, MUCH of their texting was deleted.
I went crazy and left for a day and a half. She said nothing bad was said, he simply would compliment her beauty for her age in an effort to build up her self-esteem.
She would NOT press him for the deleted text. He sent one or two screenshots of them out with the rest of the band texting each other basic stuff. When I wanted
more, she said he had just gotten a new phone so the other stuff was gone. I believed her. I made peace with them both and was sorry for almost breaking up the band.
He has sense left the band. She would never admit the amount of texts were alarming, they were friends, I was stupid for reading too much into things. I kinda
believed her. He seemed to be a good guy as well.
Here's my issue. My gut is killing me. She sleeps on top of her phone. She is on it constantly. I'm angry and kinda feel played.
That's 3 times an EA has happened in 20 years and of course she confirms this. She is still so loving and needy of me. I dont know what
I'm trying to say I guess.
 
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#2 ·
You defiantly need to listen to your gut, and you already know the answer.

Have you asked to see her phone? if not ask her and if she says NO then she is hiding another affair from you.

You need to make the tough decision to stay or go, if you stay get into counseling together and tell her she has to be 100 percent transparent, which includes giving you all passwords, you getting to check her phone when ever you want. find out who she is cheating with this time and put a stop to it.
 
#4 ·
I agree I think maybe I just wanted to believe her. She is extremely adept at acting possibly.
I have snuck out at night with her phone before several times. You just have to hope part of it is exposed to grab it.
She doesn't text as much. It's more Messenger stuff that can permanently be deleted. And there is no trace of really anything when I sneak a peak.
I'm trying to deny the thought she's a pro at this. And it's just me being neurotic.
 
#5 ·
Homework Assignment: Look up the terms "trickle truth" and "iceberg". See exactly how they both apply in your own particular case!

And for the record, it's no state secret that the vast majority of cheating couples covertly meet up at motels to do a tad more than "just hugging!"
 
#6 ·
Does she talk much on her phone? A lot of people who cheat use their car as a private phone booth while they drive around.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car up under the front seat using adhesive backed Velcro to secure it. Some people buy two. One to have in the car and one to have so that they can listen to whatever might have been recorded. They just swap them out every day or two.

If you do this and get recordings that are upsetting, make sure that you do not confront her right away. Instead come here and we can help you come up with a plan of action.

You married a woman who you knew had a history of cheating. This is how she deals with the disappointment in her relationships.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and will give you a good plan of action.
 
#8 ·
Check out the thread on gathering Standard Evidence.

The standard advice is first to stop saying anything to her that shows you are suspicious. You want her to let her guard down and make mistakes, if she is having an affair of some sort.

Next, install a Voice Activated Recorder in her car, and one in the house if there is a room where she makes phone calls. Chances are she talks on the phone to these men while driving her car. Or, she talks to a girl friend about these guys. The VAR in the car is one of the most powerful tools you have to get the real truth.

Install good spyware on her phone to capture all the messages.

If she uses a family computer (desktop or laptop), install a keylogger. If she is chatting online on the computer, you can get all of it with a good keylogger.

Be sure you understand how to install spy apps on her model of phone and on the computer before you try it. You want to understand all the steps ahead of time so you can do it quickly.

Search her car carefully, including all the little compartments, spare tire area, under the seats, glove box, door pockets, etc. You're looking for anything that doesn't make sense. A cigarette butt if she doesn't smoke. A hotel key card, a condom wrapper, a pair of her panties, a secret cell phone, etc.

Also search her dresser, night stand, and closet. Be sure to put everything back exactly as you found it. If she is having a physical affair there may be evidence. Check inside the pockets of clothing hanging in her closet, inside boots, etc.

Review all the phone records, bank accounts, and credit card statements. You're looking for gas purchases somewhere that makes no sense with her normal routine, bar charges, hotel charges, restaurants not near where she would normally go, etc. You can reverse look up phone numbers to find out whose it is. There are some pay services which reportedly do a good job, but first use the free search engines. I think you need to put the number in quotes, like "(123) 456-7890" to get a good web search. Be aware that many people have cell phones which are in someone else's name on the account. Jane and Joe have a family account in just Joe's name, so Jane's phone looks like it belongs to Joe. So beware of that and don't jump to conclusions too quickly.
 
#10 · (Edited by Moderator)
I left my wife to re-connect with her; she left her husband as well

She has always been so devoted!
Do the two quotes above not seem somewhat inconsistent?


According to her, she went there, they briefly hugged, he kissed her and she ran home and confessed to her husband.
Highly doubtful, but even if true, still more evidence that she's not reliable.

It's understandable you've got a miserable gut, and I'm sorry you're experiencing such pain, but none of this should be a surprise to you. It's also worth noting that her first marriage lasted 10 years (before she ditched him to run off with you) and your current marriage at her now stands at 10 years. Shoulda' seen this coming. Since you also ditched your wife to run off with this one, some would even say the karma train paid you a visit as well.

You've received some good advice from other posters. Do what you need to do to resolve the situation... and take care of yourself.
 
#20 ·
Do the two quotes above not seem somewhat inconsistent?



Highly doubtful, but even if true, still more evidence that she's not reliable.

It's understandable you've got a miserable gut, and I'm sorry you're experiencing such pain, but none of this should be a surprise to you. It's also worth noting that her first marriage lasted 10 years (before she ditched him to run off with you) and your current marriage at her now stands at 10 years. Shoulda' seen this coming. Since you also ditched your wife to run off with this one, some would even say the karma train paid you a visit as well.

You've received some good advice from other posters. Do what you need to do to resolve the situation... and take care of yourself.
10 year cycle...

Good Catch....

Chinese Stem-Branch Astrology employs two major cycles, a ten year and a one year cycle.

Her ten year cycle.....[cycle seat] becomes worn-out, uncomfortable....she hops off and on to another mans seat of passion. A new pedestal, a new groin from which to perch....on.

She is unwittingly locked in...fated to stray at ten year intervals.

Yes, she HAS a choice. Being conscious of this {outside?} influence would help prepare her for those stirring feelings that she feels in her mind and in her loins, Eh?
Ignorance is an excuse.

Just Sayin'
 
#11 ·
I have read a lot of the evidence gathering post etc on this site. I agree it is all great stuff. The issue is besides twice a week band practices she really dosent get out too much and when she does, she wants me to go w her. Is that Atypical?
I did install a key logger couple weeks ago. It's almost like she knew.
Part of me still goes back to "maybe this is all in my head".
That's why I came to ya'll. Before I go deeper.
From my original post does it seem like legit trouble up ahead? What about her past?
You don't know her but I guess if it walks like a duck....
 
#13 · (Edited)
If she ever drives anywhere on her own, it would be good to have a VAR in her vehicle.

Is she home all day by herself, or with the kids? How old are your kids? Are they in school part of the day?

Does she only text? Or is she talking to people on the phone too.
 
#12 ·
Well with your history, it's no surprise that she's unfaithful. If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

She's on that phone because it has evidence of her actions. You better get Dr Phone to recover text and IMs. You should demand access to EVERYTHING: phone, laptop, tablets, email , and social media. Anything less is unacceptable.

I also strongly advise you velcro a VAR under the passenger seat of her car. You can quickly gather evidence that way. If she's not talking to OM, she'll be talking to some friend that she confides in. They always have one.

For a married mother of 4 to be sending pics of her breast to a guy she barely knows, tells me she's pretty wild. That pic was to tied OM over until they could hook up again. Things must have gone sour, so she confess' so you can clean up her mess. What a piece of work. Putting her 4 kids lives at risk as well.

I'm guessing she's sexually cheated on you a few times. I'd bet my next paycheck that she played out her ex husband prior to cheating on him with you.
 
#16 ·
I am not trying to be obstinate and dense but I’m simply having a hard time picturing her having an outright PA with anyone besides what we had initially.

Half of me says we are teenage sweethearts who have a special bond, and we have all the years we were not together. She has always been passionate about us throughout our marriage. Her sex drive is triple mine, so generally she always is the one after me.
The other half says she may be the worlds greatest actress who can compartmentalize like a mofo. That half of me has been angry for a year and a half, silently waiting for a smoking gun.

The Pic she sent the guy, she has always said it was just a one month facebook fling and she simply liked his attention. He was an ex-boyfriend as well, so there was ‘some’ prior history. I don’t remember her making any trips that December; he lived 5 hours away and he had no vehicle.

I did press her for more info a couple months ago about him and the local fellow (my mind was a wreck) and she did finally admit to briefly talking about sexual positions and running off together and how bad she felt. And the bands guitarist she thinks liked her but she didn’t feel the same so it was just friends texting and showing up to practice to chat and hang out.
Our little girls are 8, 6, and 4. Our son is 2.
 
#46 · (Edited by Moderator)
I am not trying to be obstinate and dense but I’m simply having a hard time picturing her having an outright PA with anyone besides what we had initially.

Half of me says we are teenage sweethearts who have a special bond
She has now cheated on two husbands.

You've cheated on one wife.

Karma's a b*tch.

But the bottom line is if you want to keep her, STRENGTH is your only option. Read LonelyHusband's thread to see how to do it right.
 
#17 · (Edited by Moderator)
I left my wife to re-connect with her; she left her husband as well (although it turned out he was already involved in an affair).
What a magical, romantic tale.

....she went there, they briefly hugged, he kissed her and she ran home and confessed to her husband. I believed that...I knew no other side of her.
Of course you knew 'another side' of her. The one where she secretly got involved with you on MySpace while she was married and then left her husband to be with her 'soul mate.'

Now, I'll keep this short. A year and half ago January 2nd, 2016, she woke me up frantic. I was in a daze. She confessed she had been chatting with an ex-boyfriend on Facebook for a month. She said she felt bad, and broke it off with him after Xmas, he went crazy and was threatening to come shoot her (He lived 5 hrs away). She went on to say she sent him a revealing picture of her posing topless the prior week but nothing else really serious. I was floored. Thought maybe I was dreaming.
I can't understand why you're so surprised. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "if they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you?"

I've lost count of how many times you wrote in your post, "I believed her" whenever she'd feed you even more of the **** sandwich you've continually been dining on.

I'm going to be honest with you. You deserve every ****ty thing that's happening to you now. This is just the universe evening things out. You screwed around on your wife and left her for your supposed 'soul mate,' and here she is, cheating on you over and over and over and over and over again. You were arrogant enough to think that you could build this 'perfect relationship' on a foundation made of lies, deceit, cheating and heartbreak.

Lastly, you know how ****ty you've been feeling for so long because of the cheater you chose to align yourself with? Well that's how you made your wife feel 20 years ago. Ain't so much fun when it's YOU getting the kick to the face, is it?

Well, this is your karma ride. Buckle your seat-belt and keep your hands inside the car - it promises to be a very bumpy ride. Enjoy!
 
#18 ·
I respect that valuation. I understand karma and also sowing and reaping. I have never defended my actions, ever.
I really could have even skipped that part of my opening post and made myself sound like a saint. But contextually I felt it was important to put that out there.
I already know I'm a crappy individual. I didn't come here for that. I also didn't come here for comfort. I came for experienced insight.
Bottom line, I'm tired of brooding and hurting. I've tried to be a P.I. But maybe not good enough.
IF she has been involved in more than what has been disclosed by her, that would I think be my line in the sand.
I would love to show up to chat with the two fellows and get their story but mr long distance said he deleted everything from his Facebook and the local guy just kinda faded away.
 
#22 ·
If she cheated with you, she will cheat on you. Ive got that t-shirt. She doesnt respect you, you wont put your foot down. You dont want to believe what shes doing, which is the problem. The only possible way to fix this is for her to know you have boundaries and they will not be violated or else, she faces the consequences, filing for divorce.
Look up Athol Kay books, ghe married man sex life primer, it describes a map for you. This crap has to stop. Sleeping on her phone???? Id tell her because of her sin against you sending pics and what not, she will have to earn your trust again, which means total access. You can download apps to let you see what shes doing and texting. Im afraid she is always going to do this bro. Its part of who she is, your yesterdays news, shes looking for new and exciting. Its quite sad, but you cant make marriage work if your the only one in it.
 
#23 ·
I live with secret anger and disdain towards her.
I feel very conflicted...I almost want to let her slip up again so I can stick it to her. Seriously. But I know thats the pain talking. I have never demanded access to her stuff. Shes an adult i refuse to babysit. If there is something I just want to find it and get off the rollercoaster.
 
#26 · (Edited by Moderator)
#24 · (Edited by Moderator)
For what it's worth, She was basically the only child of a successful ministry family,
Two more items of note.

1) She is of religious roots. Her continual actions could be a form of continual rebellion against her upbringing. Maybe she knows her parents are hypocrites and not really religious. Or just common sinners, finding a way to make easy cash and fame.

Or....the parents and family are truly worthy people. And she is not...does not feel worthy. And therefore acts out.

2) The Dark forces could not taint her parents and other members or her lineage. Could not could not break through their "Holy Shield". But they could weaken the Clan's image by finding the one lost and weak lamb...your wife.

Destroy the clan's image by attacking it's roots and fringe weaknesses.

That what gives a person spiritual clarity, God Connectiveness, is often Neptunian insight.....
A devotion to God and HIS love....This Neptunian eyesight is a close cousin of drug induced chaotic thought. A hair-breadth distance from varying degrees of madness and concurrent actionable indiscretion.
Your wife received an imbalance of this inheritable genetic and fateful [seemingly outward] impelling mindset.

If this thought process goes over your head, Que Serra. :|

I deliver the Water.....only.

Just Sayin'
 
#25 · (Edited by Moderator)
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#27 ·
Your wife is a serial cheater. She cheated on her exH and she has cheated on you. The only way she will stop cheating on you is if there is no you in her life to cheat on. Your options are to divorce and co-parent or stay married and accept your wife occasionally cheats when the mood strikes and there is an available man.

By the way, I was a WW in my first marriage who had multiple affairs and left the marriage to be with my final OM. As soon as the divorce was final we married and have been together ever since. 17 years, total, now. What I said about your wife wasn't some judgement about how you began. I'm living in a glass house, here. It was all about her behavior prior to *and* since being with you. There hasn't been any infidelity in my marriage, so I know it's possible to be a "situational cheater". That's not your wife. She's a serial and won't stop until she either doesn't have anyone to cheat on or she doesn't have anyone to cheat with.

And, yes, if she's anything like I was, she compartmentalizes VERY well.
 
#45 · (Edited)
Ah, yes.......

I see that compartment, MJ. It is hidden well. Under the smile and curve of your lips. That sliding drawer, velvet lined, formerly well oiled [so as to not squeak when opened and closed].

When you purse your lips, the outline comes through. My eyes detect its hard edges.

Secrets are never lost or forgotten. They may never be spoken about again. But they flash behind the Iris when triggered by some sensual trigger. Only you and your lovers see those.

Relived, and refreshed til Death do you and your lovers part. First one memory goes out, then the other.

But Nay....Nay Dear. All of TAM knows NOW of these trysts. Your trysts....trust, thrust to the Wind. Waving in the breeze...a murmur NOW replaces the original orgasmic Gasps.
 
#28 ·
I appreciate that. For some reason 'serial cheater' calms my nerves concerning her. My issue though is still....was there ever a PA?
I don't feel like another month of this mess.
I can forgive an EA if I know we are all cleaned up and walking forward. But a possible PA haunts me if that makes any sense.
 
#29 ·
Schedule a polygraph.

Do not tell her.

Arrive at the appointment under the guise of a lunch date, then look at her somberly and say:

"Wife, you are about to take a polygraph. If you refuse, or if your answers to the questions are false, I will be consulting an attorney and filing for divorce before the week is over. I can't promise you I will be able to hear the truth without hurt and anger, but I can promise you that without it our marriage is over. Now is your ONLY chance to be 100% truthful, with zero omissions. Start talking."

If that does not bring out the truth, nothing will.

All passwords are shared from here forward. She should willingly provide them out of want to keep the marriage. Do you want to be a warden? Nope. And frankly, she should be volunteering anything to show she is turning a new leaf.

Also, an absolute requirement should be for her to get into therapy. Not marriage counseling, but individual therapy. She needs to understand why her ego is so fragile that she will jump on the first man to pay attention to her.

All of that is assuming you get the truth. I would have ended the relationship after the 2nd EA.

Shoot for the parking lot confession. It it does not get the truth, nothing will.
 
#31 · (Edited by Moderator)
Rocket, you need to wake up and face facts and stop sugar coating everything.


Your wife is a serial cheater. She cheated on her ex husband (who knows how many times) and she cheated on you (again, who knows how many times).


She is a serial cheater whom you, for some unknown reason, think is a good person ?!?!? She is not a good person. Quite the opposite. She seems to think there is nothing wrong in her cheating - maybe because she knows she is good looking and feels entitled.


No OM is off limits - she will cheat with ex-boyfriends because it is easier but also with new band mates etc. There seems to be no other reason for doing this other than to feed her ego, enjoy illicit sex and the knowing that you will eventually rug-sweep it as you tend to believe everything she says.


You need to make her take a poly asap.
 
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#32 ·
I hear you...and I know you guys are about to toss me out of this bar, I get it.

BUT there is no evidence of any illicit PAs in our marriage or her previous one.
Would she have admitted that to me, her husband??
I would like to think so.
I sound foolish and weak.
But I would like to think the mother of our 4 little precious kids COULDNT do that.
Play out a fantasy online? Ok it hurts but ok.
Let a young musician crush on you? Crappy but it happened.

A polygraph? Man, if she was clean wth then?

You have no idea the gut wrenching feeling I have when I open up a post on here because I think some of this counsel is right.
 
#40 · (Edited)
It is highly unlikely that she would admit to a PA. Few cheaters admit to anything that the betrayed spouse has not found out on their own. Shoot, you can have solid evidence and they will usually try to deny it.
 
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