I don't either but my wife (Greys-anatomy) asked me to spell out my failures as a husband so I did.
I own my failures and acknowledge them. lt doesn't make what is happening right but i can't fix her; I can only fix myself.
In life in anything of any significance or value there are always going to be perceived failures. ALWAYS. It is the nature of things. There are always choices that we make. Many men choose to work very hard to support their familes. Their failure is that they are not always around and focused on the "issue" of the moment. Not saying there cannot be real problems arise from this. Men are fixers but often women just want a person to talk to about things and if you work long hours and are under stress you spend much of your off work time trying top fix things at home. Just an example. But flip it around. Lets say the guy doea not care so much about support. He works less, is less motivated lets say. Sure he spends more time at home but maybe the family had trouble making ends meet or they do not go on that vacation.
My point is that no matter what you do or do not do, it can be viewed as having good to it AND bad to it. We can try for balance but that is a perpetual struggle of its own. We try. But life intervenes.
Then add to this the inevitable history re-writing that occurs by the WS. Truth does not matter.
Sure we can all do better and no doubt there are things to improve on. Serious things maybe. But no excuses for affairs in my opinion. Keep in mind I am the one who was in an EA. This was not in any way my wifes fault. In fact because of her vigilance she was able to help me out of continuing being stupid.
I just see too often guys talked into putting the trouble on them. I think that is natural. In a crisis many men want to fix it and take responsibility. It feels safe because we think if we take it on we can fix things.
For sports analogy freaks:
"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
— Michael Jordan
I wasn't planning to tell my eleven year old son but he asked me why I seem so sad so I just pulled the trigger & told him more or less what follows with my STBX on the other side of him:
Sometimes adults have issues and problems they can't resolve between themselves and (STBX) and I have decided we shouldn't be married anymore.
This has nothing to do with you; it's all about the two of us and everyone in this room loves you. If you feel sad or have any questions you can ask either of us anything you want. I may not always have the answers but I'll try to do my best to help you understand.
Your dad is going to be sad for a while but I will be okay. STBX is sad too and it's okay if you feel sad too for a little while.
Yuck.
Called my ex-wife last night to tell her as well (since my son is with her most of the time) so she heard it from me & not the rumor mill. I just said we were parting ways and didn't give details. Thankfully she didn't ask for them.
Called my ex-wife last night to tell her as well (since my son is with her most of the time) so she heard it from me & not the rumor mill. I just said we were parting ways and didn't give details. Thankfully she didn't ask for them.
Amazing how some people sell their souls so cheaply.
You need to hammer her in court. Is she taking your kids with her? I wouldn't let her leave the state until the custody issue is decided. You can have your lawyer file for temporary custody of the kids, that way she cannot take them out of state until the divorce is final or without a court order allowing her to do so.
Do not make this easy for her!
And Greys!.... If your reading this... shame on you!
Sometimes adults have issues and problems they can't resolve between themselves and (STBX) and I have decided we shouldn't be married anymore.
This has nothing to do with you; it's all about the two of us and everyone in this room loves you.
As much as what you said is a good way to reassure him, I think he will eventually know deep down that it is not totally true. If your WW truly loved him she would not have put herself before your marriage. That is something WSs never seem to get. They're not just cheating on their spouse, they're cheating on their marriage. Selfishness is the antithesis of love.
Custody isn't an issue; STBX is the stepmother. WS does love him in her own way and I thought I needed to tell him something with her there so he could ask questions of either of us.
Later that afternoon I took him to see a movie to get out of the house (FWIW - if your kid wants to see "Mystery Island 2" pick something else).
While driving he asked me questions - that's the way it is with kids - you tell them something; they wait & then ask questions about it when you least expect it.
Son:
"Why are you and _____(he calls her by her first name) divorcing?"
Me:
Because ____ realized she doesn't want to be married anymore. She loves you and she loves me but has things she wants to do that she can't do while she's married to me.
Son:
"What sorts of things? She gets to ____ (she has a hobby that she's very good at) anytime she wants to."
Me (trying to choose words to be truthful but not overly so):
Well, WS has a friend, OM she looked up because she was unhappy and looking for someone to talk to. WS and her friend started talking and making plans that didn't include me.
When I found out I asked her to stop but she didn't want to. I tried to do things to make her happy but that didn't work so she's moving out to see if she's happier living by herself. Living on her own she can spend more time with her friend or make new friends.
Son:
Oh.
There's a long silence as he stares out the passenger side window.
Me:
Your dad is going to be sad and grumpy sometimes but I want you to know I love you and I'm not going anywhere no matter what.
Want to grab some junk food before the movie?
Peanut butter cups to the rescue. I'm aiding and abetting my son's addiction.
Custody isn't an issue; STBX is the stepmother. WS does love him in her own way and I thought I needed to tell him something with her there so he could ask questions of either of us.
Later that afternoon I took him to see a movie to get out of the house (FWIW - if your kid wants to see "Mystery Island 2" pick something else).
While driving he asked me questions - that's the way it is with kids - you tell them something; they wait & then ask questions about it when you least expect it.
Son:
"Why are you and _____(he calls her by her first name) divorcing?"
Me:
Because ____ realized she doesn't want to be married anymore. She loves you and she loves me but has things she wants to do that she can't do while she's married to me.
Son:
"What sorts of things? She gets to ____ (she has a hobby that she's very good at) anytime she wants to."
Me (trying to choose words to be truthful but not overly so):
Well, WS has a friend, OM she looked up because she was unhappy and looking for someone to talk to. WS and her friend started talking and making plans that didn't include me.
When I found out I asked her to stop but she didn't want to. I tried to do things to make her happy but that didn't work so she's moving out to see if she's happier living by herself. Living on her own she can spend more time with her friend or make new friends.
Son:
Oh.
There's a long silence as he stares out the passenger side window.
Me:
Your dad is going to be sad and grumpy sometimes but I want you to know I love you and I'm not going anywhere no matter what.
Want to grab some junk food before the movie?
Peanut butter cups to the rescue. I'm aiding and abetting my son's addiction.
I think you handled that as well as anyone could be expected to. Hats off my friend.
Baseball practice for my son tonight - one of my son's team mates comes up & says "I hear you and your wife are getting divorced."
Great way to start the season. My ex-wife could hardly wait to share the news. The fun never ends.
Tuesday morning my wife leaves me a message. I love you with all my heart and all my soul. Blink, blink - there go the waterworks.
Go to grocery store and the clerk says "Happy Valentines Day."
Blink, blink.
Lying awake at in a strange bed in a strange apartment - what am i doing? Why am I here?
My wife is at home and I'm here. What's wrong with me? I'm angry but more than being angry I'm just sad. Sad for the loss of the future I thought we would have together.
I cracked - I called her. I love you I said - I want to grow old with you she said. Tonight we would meet tonight at a coffee bar to talk to and try to find a way out of where we are now. To try and get back the hope and the love that got lost somewhere.
I walk in and she doesn't look up - lost in her thoughts. I sit next to her but it was if we weren't reading off the same script. Instead of making a try at talking we just engaged in verbal judo.
Her -you said we could selll the house - how can I believe you when you woudn't do it before?
Me - it doesn't make sense now but this an emotional decision, not a rational decision. If you will work with me to do the hard work we need to fix us, to fix.me, to fix you I am all in.
Her - Why should I trust you now?
Oh boy . . . That wasn't what I expected to hear.
She says she needs more time -another two weeks of time alone to think. Can we talk on Friday?
WHAT HAPPENED TO I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH YOU?
Now I understand why you go dark.
Now I'm angry; my wife can't trust me? I've been trying to sleep on my friend's glorified day bed living out of a clothes basket and duffle bag and I'm supposed to do this another two weeks while she decides whether or not she wants to.stay married?
We live in a house with the three king size beds. Surely there's one in this house I can sleep in.
So as I head toward my friend's apartment the resentment sets in. I live there; it's time for me to go home.
It's not me she's chasing... it's herself. She came back home but we're not to discuss things, what is happening now and in the future.
She's changed the PW on the phone bill; no need to hide anything anymore i guess. As my IC said "you're the only one trying to save the marriage. She's already gone."
There's been a game of chicken going on between us - I really thought she would give in and would chose me, would chose us.
Looks like I lost.
She pulled the plug on contributing to the household expenses - now between child support for my son, mtg, car, etc there's not going to be enough income to cover the expenses. She said she'll give a prportionate share for the time we're here but if she does all that will do is forestall the issue iluntil early next month.
Called the mortgage company lasr night - am current right now but won't stay that way for long. Priorities - child support (jail would be worse than where I am), car, insurance. Everything else comes afterward.
Can't sleep, don't want to eat (not all bad - could stand to lose the LBs), BP is skyrocketing & having what I guess are panic attacks.
It's not me she's chasing... it's herself. She came back home but we're not to discuss things, what is happening now and in the future.
She's changed the PW on the phone bill; no need to hide anything anymore i guess. As my IC said "you're the only one trying to save the marriage. She's already gone."
There's been a game of chicken going on between us - I really thought she would give in and would chose me, would chose us.
Looks like I lost.
She pulled the plug on contributing to the household expenses - now between child support for my son, mtg, car, etc there's not going to be enough income to cover the expenses. She said she'll give a prportionate share for the time we're here but if she does all that will do is forestall the issue iluntil early next month.
Called the mortgage company lasr night - am current right now but won't stay that way for long. Priorities - child support (jail would be worse than where I am), car, insurance. Everything else comes afterward.
Can't sleep, don't want to eat (not all bad - could stand to lose the LBs), BP is skyrocketing & having what I guess are panic attacks.
Go to your doctor for alittle help. Explain to him whats going on. Unfortunately, they see this all the time. He can give you some meds that will make a world of difference.
Good luck, best wishes and prayers for your family,
Chap
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Re: Long distance EA 
