My wife of six years has been having an emotional affair with a high school boyfriend since October. I know they have not consumated because of the distance involved (1000 plus miles). FWIW he is recently divorced so there's no one to expose him to and I know she sought him out, not the other way way around. We're both in our mid-forties and the thought of spending time with most of my high school chums has zero appeal to me.
Long story but I caught her in November, read some of the texts and confronted her. She said everything she should have said at the time and admitted the only thing that stopped it from becoming physical was the distance. She was reluctant to admit anythiing at first but we started seeing a marriage counselor who pushed her to open up and she finally did.
Our marriage mproved - we talked more and made time for each other and things seemed to be going well for us. Last weekend she looked me in the eye and said "I love you and want to be with you and to earn your trust again".
I thought "she finally gets it" and that this was behind us.
Tuesday night we're lying in bed and she asks me what i know about open marriages and how they work and I answered with a semi-PC non-judgmental answer (she is a therapist in a psychiatric hospital so we.sometimes have odd conversations). I then said this wasn't something I had any interest in (fantasies? Yes, but reality? No). She then asked about trial separations and I asked what she was getting at; that I wasn't going to give.her peermission to cheat on me. If she wanted that.mire.than.me she could have a.divorce instead.
After a.lot of prompting she says she's still curious about the old flame.
She says "I'm being honest, I don't mean to hurt you."
Now I can't sleep.- I check her browser history and there's a search for flight info & conferences in a city a few hours away from him (presumably as a cover story for my benefit).
Turn out she started texting him again rught after the New Year and proposed meeting to put her "curiosity" to rest. The womderof IPhomes.and free text apps strikes again.
Once again she says she's sorry blah, blah... but this time I have come down hard. She's destroyed the trust and undermined our relationship to the point it may not be recoverable. I have moved to the guestroom and have told her divorce is where we're headed because I don't think she's capable of sustained change. I am taking a hard stand this time.
Only one problem - I still love her in spite of the pain she's caused. My head says the right thing to do is get her out & over but my heart is lagging well-behind and I'm afraid I'll crack and that it's a bluff.on.my part.
Not sure what I'm asking for here - this isn't a club I wanted to join (no offense intended).
Tough situation dear. Sorry you are here. I dont wish anyone to experience the hurt, betrayal.
Warlock gave a good link reference, you will find it useful and informative to you.
There are n number of cases like yours. You may find them in this forum, browse through them. I don't want to repeat what those threads say.
Collect yourself, I can understand the devastating state of mind. Calm. Act with caution and tact.
Don't let your love for her keep you from doing what you need to do to protect yourself. She is using psychobabble to justify her EA with this man and has no remorse for the pain she is causing you. She is deep in the PlakTow with this man.
Gird your loins, file for Divorce and have her served. If getting served officially does not snap her out of the fog and waker her up to what she is doing, then you have your answer and know you need to go through with D.
Check into the 180, there are postes here who will come along shortly to give you links to it. Helps alot if you can stick with it.
The tell her you are dead serious and you will not accept ANY contact and you are prepared to execute the nuclear option if there is even one more contact.
Be ready to expose to her friends and family.
Also on your own find out about the OM. Don't believe anything you've heard about him that comes from him or your wife. He's long distance anything is possible. Considering hiring a PI service to do a full background check on him. There might be a girl friend for instance. Posted via Mobile Device
Amazing to me that someone in the psychiatric community wouldnt know exactly what is happening to her (biochemically) and exactly how this story turns out... What happens, the stages, the thoughts, and even the outcome is written is stone... you would think she could easily recite the entire thing.. it's the oldest story and the most common life trial since the dawn of man... anyone with a psychology background and an interest in the human behaviors, while non immune to it should be well aware of all of this... So much so, the "script" is almost blah, blah, blah to me. Really there is no mystery or magic... It's so painfully common and predicatable.
Fog is just amazing. She has to know the term limmerence?
How can she not know this? How can this story be happening?
****Tuesday night we're lying in bed and she asks me what i know about open marriages and how they work and I answered with a semi-PC non-judgmental answer (she is a therapist in a psychiatric hospital so we.sometimes have odd conversations). I then said this wasn't something I had any interest in (fantasies? Yes, but reality? No). She then asked about trial separations and I asked what she was getting at; that I wasn't going to give.her peermission to cheat on me. If she wanted that.mire.than.me she could have a.divorce instead.****
When I was separated from my exH, I picked up a bunch relationship books. One advocated trial separations. I mentioned this to a friend and she said, that's nothing more than letting your partner shop around while you wait for the verdict.
I remember reconnecting with someone I used to date before I got married and we were working through our own impending divorces. I had met him because he was an adjunct professor where my brother was going to law school. He had a stellar resume and even when on to bigger and better things.
Still, though, when he brought me up to date. I simply gasped. He allowed his wife to have an 8 month separation with some guy. And that did not end their marriage. He also admitted that she was still carrying on an affair just as they were getting married.
I found that interesting, someone so accomplished professionally -- lots of women would have considered him a great catch (admittedly, he ha a chance with me that he didn't pursue) --- and yet he chose a woman, during their 5 year marriage, always seemed to have something on the side.
In any case, any therapist who advocates trial separations should have their licences revoked.
Note to self - don't try to type at 4 am on a Nook Ė I am embarrassed how disjointed I was early this am.
Iíve been lurking here as a ďguestĒ since the first discovery day comparing my reactions/behaviors to others but didnít want to post anything because Iím just not that way. I guess the times they are a changiní.
Called our marriage counselor & told her I wouldnít be coming back - itís a shame because I think she was good a good one (a cognitive therapist Ė she dressed my wife down for her behaviors & dishonoring her ďpartnerĒ & gave me some direction on how to address some of the legitimate issues my wife pointed out in me).
Just an aside, ďpartnerĒ seems a rather PC term but I guess it keeps a MC out of trouble saying the wrong name/names in session.
My wife says she is going to continue with the MC and will do anything to make this right/fix herself but right now Iím not ready to buy what sheís selling. Her actions have spoken a lot louder than her words. Iím going to get a therapist to talk to on my own for a bit to help keep myself from letting the situational anger/sadness/etc. overlap into the rest of my life.
Fell asleep in the guest room to the sound of my wife crying in the master bath last night Ė itís hard but I didnít put her in this place; she put herself there. I wish I could be one of the hard-charging Alpha males Iíve read on here who can take a scalpel and cut the relationship cancer out themselves without a second thought but Iím not one of them.
I wish I could be one of the hard-charging Alpha males Iíve read on here who can take a scalpel and cut the relationship cancer out themselves without a second thought but Iím not one of them.
Guess itís time to learn.
Exactly. Don't sell yourself short. You may have made a lot of mistakes in your marriage up to now, but I think you're currently doing the right things. Don't make things too easy on your wife. When her actions align with her words consistently, you may be able to believe her again.
Until then, read Married Man Sex Life and get Athol Kay's book. He advocates a mix of alpha and beta for married men. And you can always add alpha. If it doesn't feel natural at first, which it won't, just fake it 'till you make it. Eventually, you'll be a perfect hybrid equally capable of cooking dinner, or seducing a woman.
Your wife was willing to WRECK everything/everyone, for some cheap sex, with a guy she couldn't make it with the 1st time around---just to satisfy what????
OK, so you need to stay harsh/hard and hold your line---tell her she either stays in this mge., the way mge is meant to be, and has been for the 2 of you---or she can leave, get her D., and explore with whomever she wants and do it 24/7 with every tom, ****, and harry that exists!!!!----ask her point blank, is that how she wants the rest of her life to look.
Once she gets her head on straight, you DO need to find out WHY, this has come up, and what is causing it---and FIX it.
If she does wish to stay, and you decide to R.---strict boundaries, need to be set up, with actionable consequences---she must know---that this kind of straying, and thought processing, on her part, will never again be acceptable.
She also sends out a NC, letter, with you watching it go---and make that happen, like yesterday.