I think it's most reasonable to think of it like this: the consequence of adultery is losing the marriage. Period. End of discussion. That's the price. You play, you pay. I do not think my Dear Hubby thinks less of safety or feeling safe in his own home than you do, but I do think that he saw within me a person who could understand the true definition of commitment AND live it, and I think partially he may have seen it because I was able to take personal responsibility for my actions. I also do not think my Dear Hubby looks at me now and sees someone of low character--as he and I both need that as well to be respect each other and be drawn together. But for example, if your wife (who cheated on you) did not try to blameshift, called her actions what they were, took complete responsibility for her side of what she did, and then took the time to build herself and also took the time to rebuild the trust she had destroyed...if you could see that TYPE OF PERSON within her... I think some people literally can see that and say "I can accept this and get over it" and other people just can not. And based on Matthew 18, I believe the loyal spouse can morally make either choice. Finally, I don't think my Dear Hubby suspects my loyalty, but then again, that's because I agree that 100% of my affection, loyalty and companionship are for him alone! If I didn't understand that, or understood but disagreed, then I suspect he would not consider me loyal.
Do you think he ever doubts his judgment? Like I am sure he didn't think you would cheat the first time. That would be an issue for me, if I didn't know the first time how could I be sure now. Have you asked him this?
You mean this figuratively right? My wife didn't cheat on me. I wrote a pretty good synapse of what happened to me on another thread. I really don't have any pain from that anymore. If my wife were to cheat I would ghost, wouldn't be a thought. Reading these boards have convinced me of that fact more then anything else about reading these boards. Life is too short and I don't have it in me. She could have the heart of Donna Reed from It's a Wonderful Life, and look like Sophia Loren. Not sticking around.
I bring all this up because you essentially asked if successful Reconciliation and Recovery require the two spouses to view marriage the same way.
I think marriage in general should be talked about before and during the marriage. "This is what I think our marriage is. This is who you are to me." Stuff like that. For instance the bit about having each others back. My wife and I talked about that is some fashion before we got married. I am surprised that this isn't the norm. Like don't you want to talk about the deal you are accepting?
Back then you were VERY adamantly against all disloyal spouses and thought poorly (I'd say) of all disloyals ever in the history of the world!
I think here I am getting a bad rap. Some adulterers (I like that better) are just *******s and should be thought of as such. But I feel bad for some, and I believe all are worthy of forgiveness if they truly change. Though as a Christian I guess I am supposed to forgive either way right? Not sure how that works. Besides that anyone who has come on here talking about what they did with a true sense of regret, read any of my posts to them, I am probably less harsh with them than lots of people. I really try hard to go about it following the "go and sin no more" route. I absolutely believe that committing adultery should NOT automatically bar you from starting over if you change, and I believe if motivated enough people can change. It's just that I don't think a lot of people have it in them to do so.
My father who is like my best friend and who I respect in a lot of other ways was a cheater. I don't hate adulterers. I hate adultery, and I hate when it is justified. I hate it when those who do it are cold to the pain they cause. Those people need to be called out. I respect you and a few other on here and SI who have done this and changed, maybe even more so for your change. carpenoctem for instance on SI, sometimes I wonder if he is really me in my sleep.
I also don't believe in sugar coating what it is that was done to the BS. I think this is what some people have a problem with me and some others on here. I think it is important to say exactly what happened, not to gloss it up so it isn't as painful. A few of us on here are like that. It's better to expose it like cancer.
Maybe this is where you say I have grown. I used to say that R is a bad idea always, now I say most of the time, but you damn sure ain't going to know with only a few months of I'm sorrys. It's also much harder it seems that is presented by some.
Actually I think you and I are pretty much on the same page when it comes to this. Maybe 5% are truly remorseful. I just don't think remorse should be the primary reason to R though. It really depends on the BS. What the quality of life will be. In a sense this his more fare to the WS as well. How many threads are there from men who say they are 5, 10 , 15 years out and they still can't get over it and are divorcing. In such cases both the WS and the BS wasted all that time. Both people end up stuck in this broken marriage, for the WS I guess you could say the deserve it, but still.