I'm just getting the typical response of "Well, he didn't do anything wrong." Then do I wait until he does something wrong, like get other women's numbers or cheat?
I'm just wondering if there is anything that I can do to prevent my husband from cheating. My thing is that I like to set clear expectations about his and my behaviors. We don't have opposite gender friends. Things like that.
I think you're on the right track with this. Don't wait until you're posting in CWI before you define the boundaries of your marriage.
The question I often wonder: does this work? Does setting boundaries DISCOURAGE people from cheating? For example, I never really know what an EA was before finding TAM; neither did my husband. When he described something that had happened in his first marriage, I told him it sounded an awful lot like he had had an affair. He denied it, saying it wasn't an affair because there had been no sex; he just wasn't really educated about the different types of infidelities out there.
Oh, I am being selfish. I'm not looking to be defended here. And she has no clue, none, that I'm doing this. There's no way she could ever sit on her doubts or worries, if she really thought I was fooling around. In fact, it would be over.
But as far as me being selfish, what am I getting out of this? I provide well (which she sure as hell doesn't mind, the way she spends it), I've been a very devoted father, I'm not staggering home drunk, and I have no reason to expect her to meet me halfway in the bedroom?
By the way, I haven't been with another woman in about 4 1/2 years. But that streak is likely to end.
I have noticed that sales people are very capable of this behavior.
Oh, I am being selfish. I'm not looking to be defended here. And she has no clue, none, that I'm doing this. There's no way she could ever sit on her doubts or worries, if she really thought I was fooling around. In fact, it would be over.
But as far as me being selfish, what am I getting out of this? I provide well (which she sure as hell doesn't mind, the way she spends it), I've been a very devoted father, I'm not staggering home drunk, and I have no reason to expect her to meet me halfway in the bedroom?
By the way, I haven't been with another woman in about 4 1/2 years. But that streak is likely to end.
Then why stay married to her? If it would be over if she knew, why don't you do both of you a favour and end the marriage? The statement I bolded...that leads me to believe that you are 'owed', and that that's why you cheat on her.
Whatever, I'm not judging you, I used to be a cheater too. But not anymore, and I have to say I like myself MUCH better now.
It seems particularly shallow, even shallower than cheating is, to get divorced just so I can get laid somewhere else. So why blow up the marriage over that one issue if everything else is basically fine? I haven't done anything in several years, but I think that's about to end. And when I do, I am likely to be far away and with a really small chance of being caught. Yeah, that's what they all say, right, LOL.
It seems particularly shallow, even shallower than cheating is, to get divorced just so I can get laid somewhere else. So why blow up the marriage over that one issue if everything else is basically fine? I haven't done anything in several years, but I think that's about to end. And when I do, I am likely to be far away and with a really small chance of being caught. Yeah, that's what they all say, right, LOL.
Even still, you should probably include your wife in your decision to get 'laid' elsewhere. Who knows, maybe she'd like the chance to do the same?
If you've been at it for years (even with a 4 year break) chances are your wife knows exactly what you're doing, and is just too scared to have to survive on her own, so she stays, saying nothing.
Anyway, you seem to think you're entitled for some reason, and of course it's your choice, albeit a poor one. Just sayin'...
Even still, you should probably include your wife in your decision to get 'laid' elsewhere. Who knows, maybe she'd like the chance to do the same?
If you've been at it for years (even with a 4 year break) chances are your wife knows exactly what you're doing, and is just too scared to have to survive on her own, so she stays, saying nothing.
Anyway, you seem to think you're entitled for some reason, and of course it's your choice, albeit a poor one. Just sayin'...
I can assure, she doesn't know. All of this takes place miles from where she is. Hundreds of miles on some cases; thousands in others. She would not be able to sit on that knowledge and be quiet about it.
As far as the "chance to do the same": she's had that. Many, many times.
I can assure, she doesn't know. All of this takes place miles from where she is. Hundreds of miles on some cases; thousands in others. She would not be able to sit on that knowledge and be quiet about it.
As far as the "chance to do the same": she's had that. Many, many times.
Maybe she doesn't because she takes her marriage vows seriously?
You're looking for justification and you are unlikely to find it here.
Maybe she doesn't because she takes her marriage vows seriously?
You're looking for justification and you are unlikely to find it here.
Good luck.
I am NOT looking for justification. What I'm trying to do is let other women know that if you want to keep your dog on the front porch, you might want to pet him on a pretty regular basis.
I'm sure everybody thinks I'm a miserable pig, and they're probably right. But I can also tell you that people in my city who know me from my church, my golf club, etc. if they found out I was fooling around, they'd be shocked. It's not justification but I know why it happened, because I wasn't getting what I needed.
That's the way it is. Sorry if I'm not more introspective or guilt-ridden.
I am NOT looking for justification. What I'm trying to do is let other women know that if you want to keep your dog on the front porch, you might want to pet him on a pretty regular basis.
I'm sure everybody thinks I'm a miserable pig, and they're probably right. But I can also tell you that people in my city who know me from my church, my golf club, etc. if they found out I was fooling around, they'd be shocked. It's not justification but I know why it happened, because I wasn't getting what I needed.
That's the way it is. Sorry if I'm not more introspective or guilt-ridden.
Don't apologize to us - no one here expects you to feel guilty, not with your obvious sense of entitlement to behave the way you want without any regard for your wife, or anyone you sleep with - Karma has a way of coming back and biting you on the A$$, one way or another!
Don't apologize to us - no one here expects you to feel guilty, not with your obvious sense of entitlement to behave the way you want without any regard for your wife, or anyone you sleep with - Karma has a way of coming back and biting you on the A$$, one way or another!
The people I slept with knew exactly what they were getting into. No surprises there. None have hurled themselves out of any windows yet from the trauma of sleeping with a married man.
Back to the original subject, I think one thing that can prevent a lot of cheating that has not been focused on on this thread is what Dr. Harley calls Independent Behavior....basically making decisions as though your spouse did not exist, engaging in recreation activities without your spouse, spending a lot of time apart, going on separate vacations, etc. AND taking business trip where you are apart over night. Judging by what genky says, there is cause for concern!
You mean keep someone else from cheating?
No, it's a personal decision.
You can keep yourself from cheating, but trying to keep someone else from cheating, would be cheating yourself, out of a life.
Not really. IF the husband cheats, it's because the wife is probably not puttin' out for some reason like, "I'm not in the mood"....for 4 years.
Sometimes it's about control, the knowledge that he's cheated and getting away with it. Something his wife doesn't know, or knows but can't prove...
Cheating just for sexual attraction is a complete myth.
It assumes that sex is something that happens because of pleasure. But this is also a myth. Rape, for instance is a violent act.
A woman can be giving anal, blow jobs, every position asked from her in every location desired, she can even have the hots for her husband and want him on a daily basis...but he can still cheat and it's about control and abuse. Getting her to want him and to keep having sex to keep her man because he's got her convinced that he thinks that she's cheating...so he gets a sort of high knowing that she's highly sexed trying to keep him. Meanwhile, he goes and does the same thing to another woman...making her think that his wife doesn't put out.
I think the assumption that men cheat because they're not getting it at home, or not getting love and understanding and empathy and everything else at home, is very, very, dangerously naive.
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Re: Can cheating be prevented? 
