No OM fog - did I miss something?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » No OM fog - did I miss something?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-23-2012, 04:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 544
Default No OM fog - did I miss something?

I'm not sure if I'm over-analyzing this or not: My A ended 4 years ago, we are in R and doing alright for the most part. I didn't know about "fog", "trickle truth" and all the other terms used on here before I started reading here and there's one thing that keeps jumping out for me that I don't understand no matter how hard I look at it: The Fog.

I don't think I was in the fog. Are there other cheaters without a fog? Did I miss mine? Did I not see it? Am I still in it?

I can't relate to the cheaters saying they had a hard time letting go of the OM/OW. I've read about this in tons of books as well and no matter how hard I try, it doesn't apply to me at all.

I remember my husband telling me that I needed time to grief the loss of the OM and all I could think was "Are you nuts? What grief?" I was glad the A was over, glad I could tell the OM to PLEASE never contact me again, ever!
I wasn't sad, I didn't miss him. He was nothing but 10 fingers typing away some thousand miles away. Yes, he'd tell me a lot about himself but I wasn't attracted to any of it. I often felt he was a pathetic loser but I would "listen" to all his complaints so we could finally get to the part of the conversation where he would end up telling me I was pretty, I was smart, desirable, a great mother, a great person. I remember one particular chat session where I got so tired of him that I told him I had to wash my car and logged off.
I know nobody is going to believe this and that's alright - I was never going to meet the OM, never! He was never going to touch me and I felt that as long as it was "only" an online thing it wasn't all that bad, not okay to do, but not all that bad. I didn't even consider it an affair because we were "just talking". I know better now, I really do!

After the A ended, I didn't get the OM's attention anymore but I didn't miss it either because my husband basically drowned me in attention, hysterical bonding, gift cards, having lunch together, hugging (and he's not a hugger), telling me I'm pretty 10 times a day - it was overwhelming. Once it wore off and got replaced by immense triggers, I still didn't miss the OM. I haven't to this day. My husband did extensive snooping on the OM and he told me recently that the OM had married some girl from Russia and had spend a substantial amount on Eastern European dating websites (don't ask me how he knows). Really doesn't bother me at all, I don't care a bit what the OM did or does.

Why did I not have a fog? Or did I have one and didn't notice? Am I still in the fog? Are there other cheaters without a fog? Does it actually matter that I did or didn't have a fog? Should I take a break from this forum because ever since finding this forum I have a hard time not analyzing every single thing since Dday and I've been doing some crazy things that I don't think I would have done had it not been for reading here.
FourtyPlus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-23-2012, 07:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
sigma1299's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,397
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

Count yourself lucky. Coming out of it sucks badly. To me it indicates you never had an emotional bond with your AP, that he was just a voice blowing in your ear and when it ended you didn't lose anything. More common I think is that a bond does develope, or at least an attachment to the feel good that the AP brings, and when it leaves something has been lost and it hurts.

Like I said count yourself lucky, you only missed a lot of pain and confusion.
Posted via Mobile Device
sigma1299 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 07:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 544
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

I definetely didn't feel like I was losing anything by telling the OM "no more contact". A few weeks later, he called me anyway and it p!ssed me off because it seemed like he didn't think I wanted to end it. Like I said "no contact" only because that's what my husband told me to do. My OM was such an A$$ and always will be.
FourtyPlus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 08:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 18,148
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

It sounds like you were never overly attached to the OM. So maybe you were never in the fog. It's possible.
__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters
EleGirl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 08:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,217
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

It almost sounds like you cut off contact with the OM only because your husband told you to do so and not because you felt you made a horrible mistake and almost ruined your marriage. It seems odd that you were willing to destroy your marriage and put yourself and your husband at risk for STD's on an OM that seemed so unimportant to you. What am I missing?
bryanp is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 08:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,748
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

**** I often felt he was a pathetic loser but I would "listen" to all his complaints so we could finally get to the part of the conversation where he would end up telling me I was pretty, I was smart, desirable, a great mother, a great person. I remember one particular chat session where I got so tired of him that I told him I had to wash my car and logged off. ****

From this, I would say you had some sort of fog since you were doing things that you were annoyed doing in order to get something.

Since you call it an affair, what exactly was happening with your marriage? Were you ignoring your husband? Talking constantly about this person you never met?

I visit regularly other message boards where some the participants identify themselves as married. But I wouldn't necessarily think that their participation on the message board was cheating.

Just trying to figure out where to draw the line on certain activities.
NextTimeAround is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 08:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 544
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

I cut off the OM because it was the right thing to do. Yes, my husband told me to write the OM and he actually told me what to write but cutting it off with the OM isn't something I had to be told to do. I hope you understand what I'm saying here: I knew right away that was the first thing that had to be done but my husband articulated it before I did. That doesn't mean I didn't know I had to cut it off or only did so because my husband told me to.
There wasn't any risk for STD, I never met the OM.
FourtyPlus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 09:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 544
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

In the beginning there was fog, you are right. It was exciting, I got a "rush" from hearing these things, validation as a woman.

My husband had just started a business and I was a SAHM. At some point it felt like he was married to his business more than he was to me. In fact, I told the OM insisted that my husband must have someone on the side, that it wasn't just because of his work. I know there was never anyone else. It was all about work, all the time. We vacationed and my husband spent the entire time sleeping, being exhausted from owning a business. I felt alone, nobody to talk to. I feel I did reach out to my husband but I wasn't loud enough, I didn't reach out often enough. I also felt I had no basis to complain about being put on the back burner, he was exhausted from work because he wanted to provide for his family. I saw nothing wrong with that, nor did I see a way to make it go away. I felt like I was bothering him when I brought up the state of our marriage, so I stopped. I didn't want to be a nag.

And I definetely call it an affair. Obviously, I was hiding the OM from my husband because he wouldn't have approved, so it was an affair.

Last edited by FourtyPlus; 01-23-2012 at 09:07 AM. Reason: forgot
FourtyPlus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 10:42 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
working_together's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,612
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FourtyPlus View Post
In the beginning there was fog, you are right. It was exciting, I got a "rush" from hearing these things, validation as a woman.

My husband had just started a business and I was a SAHM. At some point it felt like he was married to his business more than he was to me. In fact, I told the OM insisted that my husband must have someone on the side, that it wasn't just because of his work. I know there was never anyone else. It was all about work, all the time. We vacationed and my husband spent the entire time sleeping, being exhausted from owning a business. I felt alone, nobody to talk to. I feel I did reach out to my husband but I wasn't loud enough, I didn't reach out often enough. I also felt I had no basis to complain about being put on the back burner, he was exhausted from work because he wanted to provide for his family. I saw nothing wrong with that, nor did I see a way to make it go away. I felt like I was bothering him when I brought up the state of our marriage, so I stopped. I didn't want to be a nag.

And I definetely call it an affair. Obviously, I was hiding the OM from my husband because he wouldn't have approved, so it was an affair.
I definately believe that being a SAHM can do something to certain women. There's women who enjoy every bit of it, love cooking, cleaning, taking pride in their home (a friend of mine). There's women who don't mind being supported entirely and being reliant on their spouses. For myself, it killed me to stay home, I loved my kids, and when I had to ask my husband for money, I hated it. So I lost something when I left the workplace, the connection with co-.wokers, lunches etc. and the independence I always had. I felt isolated for the first time ever.

Just my thoughts since I've read a lot her SAHM's having affairs.
working_together is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 10:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 544
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

I loved the cooking, baking, I even home schooled for a year. Yes, I hated asked my husband for money. He never said no and we had everything we could have asked for. I got to a point though were our girl didn't need hand holding anymore and I felt.......obsolete and it was about the same time my husband got very involved with his business.
It's different today. I have a job and I'm the main bread winner, have been the sole bread winner in previous years. I love that I'm able to "give back" to my husband for the years when I didn't work and he brought home the bacon. I'm happy to be able to provide for my family, it gives me a sense of pride I haven't had before. Makes me feel like I'm worth something.
I chose to be a SAHM, I couldn't handle leaving my baby with a sitter and we both feel that me staying home while our girl was little was the best thing we could do for her. She's very grounded, no drugs, no promiscuity, just bad grades in math. She's a teen now but still calls us Mommy and Daddy. She still needs us, she said so herself and despite everything that has happened (and infidelity is just one of those things), she says that we are great parents. I might be totally off and imagining things but I believe she turned out that way partially because I stayed home with her. Our work schedules are very flexible and to this day I bend over backwards to be home when she gets home from school. It's just something I feel I have to do and I also know that she sort of expects it or at least appreciates it.

I can't say that I felt isolated. I've never missed co-workers or having a girl friend. In previous years I worked in an office environment and did enjoy the lunches, talking about clothes and all that. Since I sort of branched out a bit, I work from home now (still in the same biz though) and my husband goes to lunch with my co-workers since he has joined me at work. Kinda weird and I'm a bit jealous at times but at least I still get all the gossip first hand. I do miss him during the day. Sometimes I wanna beg him not to go to work and spend the day with me instead - but no can do.

Last edited by FourtyPlus; 01-23-2012 at 11:05 AM. Reason: forgot
FourtyPlus is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-23-2012, 01:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
working_together's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,612
Default Re: No OM fog - did I miss something?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FourtyPlus View Post
I loved the cooking, baking, I even home schooled for a year. Yes, I hated asked my husband for money. He never said no and we had everything we could have asked for. I got to a point though were our girl didn't need hand holding anymore and I felt.......obsolete and it was about the same time my husband got very involved with his business.
It's different today. I have a job and I'm the main bread winner, have been the sole bread winner in previous years. I love that I'm able to "give back" to my husband for the years when I didn't work and he brought home the bacon. I'm happy to be able to provide for my family, it gives me a sense of pride I haven't had before. Makes me feel like I'm worth something.
I chose to be a SAHM, I couldn't handle leaving my baby with a sitter and we both feel that me staying home while our girl was little was the best thing we could do for her. She's very grounded, no drugs, no promiscuity, just bad grades in math. She's a teen now but still calls us Mommy and Daddy. She still needs us, she said so herself and despite everything that has happened (and infidelity is just one of those things), she says that we are great parents. I might be totally off and imagining things but I believe she turned out that way partially because I stayed home with her. Our work schedules are very flexible and to this day I bend over backwards to be home when she gets home from school. It's just something I feel I have to do and I also know that she sort of expects it or at least appreciates it.

I can't say that I felt isolated. I've never missed co-workers or having a girl friend. In previous years I worked in an office environment and did enjoy the lunches, talking about clothes and all that. Since I sort of branched out a bit, I work from home now (still in the same biz though) and my husband goes to lunch with my co-workers since he has joined me at work. Kinda weird and I'm a bit jealous at times but at least I still get all the gossip first hand. I do miss him during the day. Sometimes I wanna beg him not to go to work and spend the day with me instead - but no can do.
I think that when a woman is happy staying home it makes all the difference. I felt kind of pressured to do it by my husband and by society as well. Mixed messages everywhere. In the end I felt trapped. I'm glad my kids are older, one going to kindergarten next year, I love that age group, they finally get the jokes, and tell their own. But yeah, I'm heading back to work very soon. shhh don't tell hubby lol
working_together is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I miss... Scott1984 Going Through Divorce or Separation 15 05-16-2012 01:35 AM
Do I miss HER or just miss having SOMEONE sd212 Going Through Divorce or Separation 34 04-23-2012 10:58 PM
What don't you miss? Scannerguard Life After Divorce 30 11-05-2011 07:41 PM
Miss him so muh susan1949 Going Through Divorce or Separation 17 08-19-2011 06:51 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:43 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.