Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
For me, one of the worst parts of being cheated on was the "why".
Why?
Why?
Why?
The answer is the same for every person who has ever cheated on another. The answer is the same regardless of the state of the marriage/relationship. The answer is the same whether the cheater is regretful or not regretful. The answer is also a very simple one.
A person cheats because they want to.
Stop looking for answers or reasons or things you could have done differently...it has little if nothing to do with you. In this regard, it is all about the cheater.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
Falene - I am not thinking of what I could have done differently, and I am not beating myself up for it. I know I did nothing wrong and I pointed out to him month after month that we needed to work on things between us. I am angry at him for what he did for a cheap thrill to us and our family - to me and for not giving me a choice and for not giving us a chance or him putting forth the effort to fix us before he ever got that far. If I come across as angry, I am. He was weak. Period. It is all on him. He was caught up in lust and nothing else mattered. He thought he knew what he was doing and it blew up in his face. Why? He is selfish, weak and stupid. He has a long road to walk to redeem himself, but I made the decision to walk beside him. I am still going through every emotion there is. It has not been easy, especially controlling emotions around our children. I am better mentally and emotionally now more than I was even month ago, but I know that this will take a lot of time to work through. All of this pain and distrust, all for what...hindsight.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
Sigma - I always appreciate your input. I never had any doubts that our marriage would not be the same, and frankly, I don't want it to. I would have preferred years of counseling or even a year or two in a coma over having to deal with the fallout and rebuilding that is now before us. It will always be there, but if he can really commit to us and have his heart in it, I do believe we can one day be very happy again. What I feel - I think that he is partly going through the motions and faking it until he makes it. I know he loves me, but I don't think he is in love with me. I know there are times that he is in lust with me (sorry if that is too personal), but I know the difference. I will need much more than that in the near future in order for me to continue giving all that I can and acting like I am OK. I think he still thinks about her, but that he is angry with himself that he was not stronger and that he basically made a mess of his life. He is in his own world of pain, and I just don't know how he is dealing with it. Life is pretty much normal. We do much the same as we did before, but have been spending more time together and planning trips with and without our children...the first without so we can spend time with just us. We have both been unproductive to our jobs the last few months and it has not gone unnoticed. We know we both need to kick it in high gear - that is another thing that I am angry about. I was always at the top of my game with work and this knocked me back so far. Had i not told my boss what was happening, I my have been let go. I told him that we need to work hard so we can play hard. I am back about 70 percent...I am still struggling sometimes. Mondays are always the hardest for me. I work from home, and the house is quiet and I am alone after a weekend of spending time together. Just the silence is a trigger. Then other days I am pretty much OK, minus the occasional flash that I quickly lock away. His actions - he is making an effort, but is still him. He reacts the same he always has - angry - more at himself than me, but it still effects me. He is trying to do the right thing by me and our girls. I know he now knows how good we and he have it. We had a great family - and he blew it. I just hope that the more time goes by, the more he will be able to let go of what happened, and /or her if he still has feelings. He too jumped on this message board for help. That is all he has done as far as sharing with anyone outside of us. His mom and sister know, but they do not talk about it. I don't believe he will ever seek out any other help. Part of him thinks that if we don't talk about it then we are doing OK - or at least he thinks he is. Part of that is true. Who wants to relive something like that. I wish I never had to the first time. Do I still have questions - yes - but any answer I get will not change the outcome, and any discussion will only bring this sludge to the surface again, and I am tired of it myself and don't want it anymore. Again, I want to believe. I am hopeful, but I still have my guard up. I hope this will all change in time. It still has not been that long (2.5 months since DD).
At right at 2.5 months is when I convinced my wife that some portion of my pain was because I felt guilt that the OW was devastated and that if I could reestablish contact and get closure with her that it would do a lot to help me. Did I mention I'm a pretty good salesman? Anyway she agreed as long as there were no phone calls and she could read it all. So I did, we did not rekindle the affair but only because I refused to reciprocate, when I didn't it naturally blew up. My wife read every word of it.
My point is that at about the same point you're at I was sideways enough to believe the above would help me and was a good idea. This despite my wholehearted belief and profession of truly loving my wife and wanting to be married to her.
If the EA was intense it can take a while to successfully extract your head from your ass. That doesn't mean you should cut him any slack, just don't automatically assume a prolonged period of him being screwed up is terminal or means your really second choice.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
I wish I knew. I want to know, but there is a part of me that doesn't. Supposedly he was "letting go" slowly 3 weeks after DD. When he was telling me he loved me but started talking to her again and telling her that he missed her and he wished they could be friends but knew that was not an option. I think he was setting himself back up for failure again and I do not think he could not have gotten this far without the angry break that happened. That was after she had contacted me by email while they were talking. That final goodbye (that he swears was the last contact), was on Jan 3. I want to believe there has been no other contact. I don't think there is now, but it is hard for me to believe that there was not right after. I have his email passwords. We now share a facebook account with only about 8 friends and really don't even use it. He used to take his phone every where with him, but now leaves it laying around sometimes. I think he expects me to look. I told him he needed to be transparent. Sometimes I do, but hardly ever do now. If he wanted to contact her, it would be easy. I have an email account just for this website that he does not know about....anyone can do that. Instant Message is easy, and he even had a disposable phone (twice actually...he threw the first one away right after DD and then got another one about a week and a half after) so he could call her and not be on the phone records. I don't think if he was still in contact with her he would be able to function as well as he is now. I don't know how hard it is for him to not contact her, but I know it would be disasterous, much like you encountered. If she were not as nasty as she was to me without even meeting me or speaking to me, and if she did not know that he was married with 2 children, I might have almost felt sorry for her. However, once she was told that he was going to stay, she went psycho. She had broken up with her live-in boyfriend of 4 years, told my husband that he needed to move fast, divorce me and her move out here around the corner from where we live now.Told him that everything would be the same and only that he would not be married to me any more and that the children would be fine. For him to actually buy into that, I know he was not thinking clearly, or thinking at all - so yes, it was intense and she had him over a barrell. He is throwing himself into getting healthy and working out and we have both been doing this partly together. I am in the best shape I have been in since we met. I call it the My Husband Cheated on Me diet....not how I wanted to lose the last 10 lbs, but since I got there, I took advantage and started working out a lot. That has all been for me. My "I am not going to have any hangups about myself" plan. Is he feeling the same? Does he realize that he let himself go - like 30 lbs worth? He wants to go back to school. These are all good things. Is he doing it to keep his mind occupied? To better himself as a person because he has been lacking in all departments? I always supported him. He got lazy, and that was discouraging for me. The more I type, the more I wonder just how much he realizes that he was making himself unavailable and unattractive to me...not that I did not love him. I did, and I still do....or does he only see me, who had to pick up the slack where he left off, taking care of our girls, the house, moving, planning, etc? I was tired. I felt like I had 3 kids and he did not help. 15 years of being a military spouse was not easy, and then to find out that he had cheated during that time and then the big one when I was burying my brother from cancer....yep. During one of our conversations, I had asked him why he cheated on me before and how he was able to move past that one. He said it was because we were arguing a lot (I do blame him - he HATED his job. He was miserable to be around). He said it didn't mean anything, but then backed up and said that it probably did back then.....OK - so that means that he was able to move past it. Or maybe he didn't and carried guilt around and that is why he was an A** to be around...so - yes, I have been dealing with this latest disaster, but now also know of a time when this happened before we had our girls. He acknowledges that he has not been a good husband, but says that he wants to be and will be from this point forward. Could his guilt and misery be from the last 15 years all bottled up, not just for what he did recently, but for what he did 10 years ago? I told him that I didn't want who he was..but only wanted him if he was going to be faithful. I have told him a few times in the last few weeks that I will not be second choice, and if he can't handle the recovery that he needed to go....he said I am not a second choice and he is still here. SOrry this post is so long - but here is something else....so I told him that he had to be tested for STDs...he did that about a month after DD. It came back negative, but 3 weeks ago, he gets a rash, and it could have well been herpes...he was scared. He broke down one night and told me how sorry he was for messing everything up, how scared he was that he was going to lose me and how he didn't realize just how much he loved me until he was faced with that. He hated himself and understood if I wanted to leave. Said he had so many plans for us but screwed that up too and hated himself for being so stupid. SO, went to the Dr., and it is shingles. We were both relieved, but I had to ask him if he still felt the same as he did 2 nights before when he thought it was herpes, or if he only said those things because he was scared - fair question I think. He said he did. Karma maybe? Now if he ever has another case, it will most likely be in the same spot - a reminder, I think. Part of me wanted it to be something he might have caught from her, but treatable - not herpes that you have to live with. Just something that would associate her with a bad feeling. I hope that scare was enough. Since then, we have taken our weekend trip with our girls, planning vacations, and spending time together. We have another weekend, a birthday party for our youngest tomorrow, and he wants to bring his mom out during spring break. Again - I think he is trying, but his heart is not completely in it. I think his committment is, and I just hope his heart will follow. I know I am holding back some too because I am on the defensive. Some days I am all in and others I am unsure just because of the hurt and anger that I still feel. I am angry for being put in this position. I don't want to feel this any more. Just the awkwardness at times is what triggers me to get angry about the situation. Awkwardness after 15 years should not exist. I try to look on the bright side and think maybe that can be good - he is not so comfortable any more, so maybe he will work harder at it. Is it possible for a BS to actually get over an affair before the WS does? Am I crazy for doing so? I want to tell him "Enough already! Get over yourself and move on!"...and then I want him to do it. I feel like he is drawing it out - but should I take that as a good sign and that he is not just getting over it so quickly? I still have so many feelings (as you have read). One thing I am certain of. I want us to fall back in love. Do we love each other - yes, but falling in love...we all know it is a chemical in the brain that makes us want and do crazy things....lust seems to be the foreplay for love many times...maybe our intimacy will help bring us closer to that. He is focused on us creating good times and memories - we need that. Oh, how I wish I had a crystal ball.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
At 2.5 months I think you may be suffering from a desire to rug sweep if you think you've moved past it all. I understand that desire but realistically I don't think infidelity can be dealt with and processed properly in that amount of time. Not to pat us on the back but I think my wife and I have done a pretty good job at reconciliation, my EA was only 7.5 weeks long, and here 18 months after D Day we are both still dealing with it. It's different now to be sure but it's still there.
I have to say that based both on my own personal experience and what I've seen here on TAM I think what you're experiencing is way more normal than not. I think the thoughts, emotions, doubts and anxiety you have are just part of it all unfortunately. If this were easy we all wouldn't be here would we?
"Is is possible for a BS to actually get over an affair before the WS does?" I'm sure it is - actually my wife probably recovered faster at first than I did, however has time has worn on I think we will both arrive at the finish line - if there is one - at about the same time. She managed to make peace with it before I did, but to me that's not the same as getting over it. You will both carry a scar from this for the rest of your lives, as will all of us here. Getting over it is learning to live with that scar, knowing it is there and accepting that it will ache a little every now and then.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
I think you are right about some of it. I am tired of arguing and him getting defensive when it comes up. He is dealing with his own issues that I can't understand unless he is willing to share. Because he feels that it will do more harm than good (either to himself or us - I don't know - I think it changes from day to day)I want to move on and gave myself permission to put it behind me in the sense that I don't feel weak for wanting to work things out even though I did not bring this on myself. As I look back on the first month, I was a shell of myself. I was weak, desperate, and longing to get back what I knew I could not - 3 months of our lives so that I could have seen this coming and changed it. I know now that it is what it is - it happened, but it should NEVER happen again. I was blindsided. He had all of the power to stop it, but he didn't. He crashed and we burned and now WE are cleaning up the mess. I am sweeping my part to the side because I am mentally drained from it all and tired of feeling lifeless because of it. If I dwell on it, it will destroy me and I refuse to let that happen for my own life and for my childrens. Bad things happen, and life goes on. I have accepted it, though I do not understand it, and I am still dealing with it on a certain level. I have to keep it this way or I will fall backwards. If I knew that his heart was 100% into it now, I would be happy. It is hard to have doubt and knowing that your spouse that you gave your whole heart to and sacrificed so much for dismissed everything you once had. I read another thread that after a person cheats once and does not reveal it to their spouse that they are cheating every day - living a lie. I agree, and that is why I want to start fresh. I think because I was just hit with so much at one time - brother passing, this...it ran me down like a freight train. I hated how I felt - not who I was, but how I felt. I am ready to open the curtains to a brand new day and see the sun again. I just don't know when he will be able to do the same. I think he is just peaking through. I just want to open the door and push him through to see that the sun can shine even on a cloudy day. He has got to jump on board and make me feel like he is back in the game. I know your story is different, but did you ever - or if anyone else is reading this - feel hesitant about letting your feelings show, or even though you loved your wife, was it hard to just jump right back in with your feelings?
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
I agree it would be much preferable if he would come on board and at least talk to you. I buried most of my pain so my wife couldn't see it for exactly this reason. I knew I had hurt her badly already and that anything other than complete openness and my unwavering commitment to her would only hurt her more. What your H is doing and trickle truth are the two things I wail on cheaters here about the most as I believe they are the most hurtful to the BS.
To answer your last two questions. I was not hesitant to let my feelings for my wife show, in fact quite the opposite I felt obligated to go out of my to express them. I did however, as I said above, tried not to let my pain, confusion, or emotional turmoil show so as not to further hurt or confuse my wife. Where my story and your H's are likely most different is that it was not hard at all for me to jump back in with my feelings for my wife - principally because I never lost them. In reality, as twisted as this sounds, my affair reawakened and intensified them - strange right? I think I was unusual as cheaters go in my ability to immediately and so decisively be totally open with and recommitted to my wife. At the same time I understand the confusion and turmoil - the fog - that a remorseful cheater can go through. Accordingly I spend a fair amount of time here trying to help betrayed spouses understand their waywards difficulties and conversely trying to help cheaters here pull their head out of their ass - but it is ultimately up to the wayward spouse to pull their head out.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
Had a good weekend. A couple of triggers came up, but I kept them at bay. Husband asked on the first one if anything was wrong and I said no. He got upset that I later came out and said yes. I told him that if he wanted me to be honest with him that he needed to do the same for me and let me know if he was having a moment, knowing that even though he says he is fine that he is not always fine, as we are both still dealing. He said OK. Had a nice evening after kids went to bed - champagne, he bought me a bracelet. I kissed him, told him thank you, he stared at me and started to tear up. I did not ask, I just put my hand on his cheek and smiled a half smile to tell him it was OK. During intimacy, in the heat of the moment, I said something that just took the wind out of his sail....pillow talk, nothing too different than other times we have shared, except now we have the cloud. He said he was just tired - that never happens. I said, "I said something wrong, didn't I? I am sorry. I didn't mean anything by it." I am not even sure what thing it was I said. He said that it was not my fault..that I didn't do anything wrong, but that he didn't want to go there -that he didn't want to think about something....so that is good, right? Not that I wanted him to, but that I triggered something about her or the affair that upset him so much to just lose the heat of the moment. That it made him feel bad at that moment. Then yesterday, he brought me flowers, and intimacy was playful and fun. No seriousness - it was nice....and he sent me an ecard this morning. (Sorry if this is way to much detail - just feels good to get it out there and see what other people think as far as our progress). I didn't tell him that I had a bad day yesterday - I woke up with "their song" in my head - what a way to wake up...and it was all downhill from there until he got home. Today is a good day.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
Shame on me - he has been in contact with her this whole time. Had an arguement 3 nights ago - told me how he hated himself and wanted to be the husband and father my family deserved...night before that he told me how that he had to remember that just because he did not think about it that it did not happen. 2 nights ago he came home, I told him that we had to finish what we never did - get everything out so nothing ever pops up - he told me he has been in contact with her since the end og January. Last contact was supposed to be Jan 3rd. He sent her an anonomous ecard on her birthday Jan 19th. She wrote him 2 letter to work, he set up an email account, Facebook account and bought another phone. Said that they have only emailed and texted - no calls. I asked him if it was sexual, he said yes. Said he realized what he had done after he did it, then got scared that if he stopped talking to her she would contact me and that all would be done. Said that he wanted to stop, and after he almost got a DUI 3 nights ago he realized how messed up he was, and aftyer something I sent him in a text 2 days ago he realized he wanted to come clean. OH MY! I feel so numb....angry....and sorry for him at the same time. He threatened suicide again - I would never dismiss someones cry for help - but this is the second time and after the first time he was just starting back up with her. He opened the can of worms again - he pursued her, yet he trys to say that she made him something he is not. All BS to me. Everything has been a lie. He swears it has not been - that he is realy wanting to fix us and have a life with me, that I am the one he loves, but yet he continued his affair to her - "sexting" while he was having sex with me, telling me that he loved me and that he hated himself for what he did to me and us and that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and our daughters - he begged me for another chance....I told him that he was saying all of the same things as before, that he chose her over me, that he chose her over our daughters, that he was seriously messed up and needed help, that he was the biggest liar I ever knew, that he did not know what it was like to love someone, that he is full of BS....the list goes on. He said he could not deal with it, threatened to kill himself after I told him I was going to contact her ex boyfriend that she is back together again with and living with again and let him know. That is when he told me that if I was going to do that to leave him first, or he was going to kill himself because he did not want to see the fallout......OMG! I was furious! So he begged me to stay with him, but when I threatened to ruin her life and get her kicked out on her a**, then he couldn't deal.....m***** f******! I am so angry....when I did not hold his nand the next night in the store, he got all teary eyed and hurt and said he felt like I did not want him or be near him. HELLO! I told him I am feeling a lot right now. He said he wished he never told me. I said - OK - so if you never told me and kept your affair going - then what? Live like that for years? He said no and that he was going to end it. If he was going to - he would have back on Jan 3rd. He would not have sent her a birthday card, he would not have "sexted" her. He called her the night we left for our weekend away with the girls. Now the last 2 days he says he feels like his chest is going to explode, how he is so broken. I told him now he may feel some of what I have felt. I know he can't feel too bad. He is eating. I did not eat for days at a time after I found out. I had to force myself to. He said the next morning he would get into anger management and help for the other things, said he would go to marriage counceling if I wanted, sad he wanted to start going to church beginning this Sunday. THat he knows this may seem like a kneejerk decision, but he would spend the rest of his life proving to me his love - that he sore he would nevr contact her again and that if he got anything from her at work he would bring it home. I told him that for me to stick around (for now), that he needed to hget help, that he needed to stop drinking, and he needed to stop going into a rage and breaking things....so that was his solution to those demands. He honestly looks broken for the first time, but I still don't buy it. I had my suspicions, which is why I always posted (X number of days since last contact as far as I know). I have to give it to him...he has excelled at lying. I used to be able to tell. I did not think he could function as well as he had been, but the anger he showed when a topic came up was still there. I don't even know what to think or feel anymore. I am cried out. I am angry, but I feel sorry for him in the sense that here is an individual, someone I once loved so much that is so messed up. He lies.....even if he did turn around, I would not know and could not believe. I am stuck.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
Damn damn damn. I'm sorry Looking - I really am.
Question. I can't quite tell from your post, did he volunteer that he had broken no contact? Did he confess or did you catch/trap him?
I know it hurts but the reality is breaking no contact is more normal than it's not. I did - in much the same way. My AP sent me a friend request under a made up facebook identity. I knew it was her - I accepted. Nothing for a few days and then a chat session for a couple of hours. We did keep it pretty much platonic but contact is contact. The ironic part is the night after we chatted my wife looked me dead in the eye and asked, "have you heard anything from her?" Total coincidence. My wife took me so off guard I spit out "no" before I could stop myself - the first and only time I lied to my wife's face. Anyway I knew I was at a precipice. If I went to work that next morning with my new secret I was back in the affair and all bets were off. So I woke my wife up at 2am and confessed to lying to her and breaking no contact. Here's the upside of that though. That was the moment when my affair truly ended - that was the moment when I picked my wife over my AP.
That's why I ask if he confessed. While it sucks that he broke no contact, and especially that it went sexual again. If he outed himself it could - possibly - ultimately be a good thing.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
Yes - he admitted it. But not before all of the lies, not before swearing to me for the last 6 weeks that there was no contact. What really ticks me off is that his supposed "ah-ha" moment was when he almost got a DUI...that would have really screwed up everything for everyone. Then I said something to him the next day - being supportive as always, telling him that he could be the father and husband that we wanted to be, but that he needed to practice. And what kills me again, is that when he thought he might have herpes and it turned out to be shingles, he professed his love to me yet again and told me how he did not know how much he loved me until he thought he was going to lose me and I would leave if he did. That was while they were in contact yet agin. He said after he told me that he was not trying to be a hero about it, but he knew that I deserved to know the truth and that he did not want to lie any more. So yes - he confessed and I did not know. However, this does not make me feel any better - just pity, anger and discust. I also had an generated email from Mort Fertel - Marriage Fitness guy - this morning was about how a WS spouse can change, but often the betrayed spouse does not give them another chance (in my case it would be like 5 chances), and the WS ends up being a great husband to someone else - what timing. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I feel. I don't know that it is possible. And when I aksed him what she had that I did not, becuse it had to be something or he would not keep going back, he said nothing - that I was better than her in every single way and she had nothing on me....REALLY...then why? We still have lots to talk about, I still need answers, but not sure any answer will sway me in a good way. I just shake my head, and funny enough, I have been productive at work the last 2 days...probably because I am just numb and tapped out. There is nothing I can do anymore to help him. This morning I did ask him how much time he spent texting her at work (not including texting me). He said sometimes 10 an hour, sometimes they would skip a day....so I told him no texts to me today (or her obviously) - to give work 100% since he has been sucking at it the last 5 months since this all started. He just sent me a text that instead of 2 items completed, he got 5 done....imagine that. If he could only learn from his mistakes.
Re: Looking for Advice from Men Who Cheated On their Wives
Have not been in counciling - after I told him he needed some serious help and I could not give it to him he said he would go. We shall see if he follows through...we will see if he goes to church on Sunday. Here is some of what he wrote the last few days (I told him after he told me that we were not even at gorund zero again - we were at negative 1)...so he starts off with day 0, and so on (sorry this is so long - thank you for reading and offering your opinion)!
Day 0, 7 March 2012
I have nothing of her remaining and she has NO piece of my heart. I’m your husband, your friend, the father of your children. I betrayed you and am standing here today asking you to be with me so we can reach Day 1 together. Transparent and honest with no more lies, I’m willing to chance losing you to give you what you deserve, you ask I’ll tell (no matter how painful it is for you or me). You deserve to have your moment and I’ll help you get that should you wish to act on it. You have a handful of emails and should you want over 300 we can get that from her facebook account. I would have to contact her and request to be her friend to get to them but she would let me in. I don’t want this, I just want to be done with her but if you need that moment then I’m willing to take on whatever comes our way by your side. I’m not afraid of her and I’m not protecting her or him and refuse to live my life in fear of her possible reactions.***This is in response to me saying that I was going to contact her boyfriend*** I Love You because you’re the strongest woman I know and you gave me your heart 15 years ago. I’m willing to fight to earn your trust.
1-6
Your life MUST be an open book. You no longer have the luxury of coming and going as you please. Once you have abused that privilege, it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back. Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask.
Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book. Offer to let your spouse see your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust. Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while continuing to hide your cell phone or spending is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage.
I’ll get in anger management by the end of the week and check on seeing someone to talk to for everything else. I’ll go to marriage counseling with you if you would want to go.
I’m going to start going to church on Sundays. I would like you and the girls to go with me. Might all seem like a knee jerk reaction trying to fix things but if I died tomorrow I would want you to know I started trying today and didn’t waste a minute of my life not trying to make our life better. I Love You (my name) always have(even though I haven’t been who you deserved to be with, I now have to give you the actions of this love I have for you.)
Day 1, 8 March 2012
Well it’s day one on what I hope is the road to better days. I’m here and always will be because I Love You, the girls and my family, I always have. Love, what is Love? To me it’s the feeling you have when you find a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. That person for me is you (my name). So why would I do the things I’ve done? I have given in to temptation and have been blind and weak. How do I ever fix this? I don’t know. Sometimes I think I might never be able to, but maybe I can make the days better. I give you 100% of my heart every day for the rest of my life in hopes that one day you can go to sleep in peace, dream good things and wake up happy. That one day you can face a trigger and not shed a tear but rather look at me and say you about lost me dumbass.
That one day I may be able to talk to or face your parents.
The pain I see in you makes me want to live to make things right, the remorse I feel makes me not want to go on because it hurts so bad to even think about it. When you’re living a lie every day you know your being a bad person and you just deal with that fact because you’re a bad person and you know it. When you’re trying to be a good person dealing with the bad things you’ve done it can be unbearable for your insides this is the only way I know how sorry I am. I want to feel the pain I caused you because I deserve to, this will hurt to read but when I think of the fact where I was on the day of your brothers funeral I just can’t take it and this is when I just want out (life) because I’m not strong enough to handle this….. Because of this alone is why you should leave me! I promise you every day that you decide to stay with me I promise you that Second by Second, Minute by Minute, Hour by Hour I’ll be here for us trying to get to the next day of our lives with you………
Day 2, 9 March 2012
I want to let you know now more than ever I want to be close to you. It may have seemed like I was avoiding you but that was not my intent. ***I told him this morning that it seemed like he was avoiding me last night*** I needed to run to just release built up emotions and then I thought I was giving you needed space. You ask questions as you should but I’m giving you my valueless word there will never again be any contact with that person by myself. I hate who I became and I’m going to fix myself. I hate what I did to us and I’m going to rebuild our foundation and future. I will forever hate the things I’ve done to you and will dedicate my lifetime to become that Friend, Man, Husband you so deserve to spend the rest of your life with. Work will be easy to fix as I put my mind to it. If there is ever something you need or wish that I do please inform me. I wish there were better words and until I find them for now I’ll say I’m Sorry.
I’ll make it to day 3 and my hands will be open waiting for you to place your hands in mine. I’m never going to waste another second of my life not trying to keep you a part of mine and every day you wake up with me I’ll strive to make every one of our new days better than the day before. All I have are new days because I can’t change the old ones. I hope this doesn’t come out wrong but I’m not afraid of losing you because that fear would be about me, I’m afraid of you never truly knowing or feeling the love I have for you.
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