Well - pointed out tonight that car was sitting in front of house and took off when I went to get mail...that blew up into a mess. We talked about stuff that was very uncomfortable - found out stuff I already knew but also found out that songs that he plays all of the time recently are about me and not her...that was a big Yeah for me, but he forgot to mention that, so everytime I heard them I was dying inside. I took the plunge and asked him what his trigger points were, since I know that there are things that will make him think of her. I got a song, which I pretty much knew, and where they went when she was in town - he said they went to walmart - do I want to stop going to walmart, and I said no, because I was there first with him. He was very defensive, angry, and knocked some stuff around and in the end ended up getting drunk. I know he is haviing a hard time with this - asked what I could do to make him understand what I was feeling. I told him to think of his dad dying, him grieving, and me blowiing him off and telling him that it was no big deal...other than that, I could not even begin to think of what might hurt him the way I am hurting other than do this to him, but I would not want him to feel what I am, so that would not happen. He said that the only way I could understand what he is feeling is to go in the closet, take the gun, load a magazine in it, hold it to my head, and then put it back and just live with it. Any other wayward spouses ever feel this or any loyal spouses ever deal with the WS saying such things? At another point, he was angry - angry all the way through it, hence grabbing another beer - he said, "you know what, I will tell you one thing she told me that is true. She said if you took me back it would never be the same." I felt every emotion in the book right then and there. I almost exploded. I told him that he was defendiing her and her opinions once again, and that if wanted to buy into everything that she sold him on that he might as well go right back to her now. Then I said that it won't ever be the same and that it should not be the same and that it should be better. I came clean to him that when she tried to get in touch with me last it was through email. I guess I was afraid to post that because I was afraid he might read this thread at some point. I knew a lot - he wanted proof (she told him him that she had nevr tried to contact me and that I was a liar - I saw no need to defend myself at any point to him), and that was the night that he wrote his last goodbye email. So, instead of just trying to get in touch with me, she did - with details (I did not respond back), adn to prove it to him, I receited about 10 min worth of email conversation between the 2. I was POd that he thought I was lying - felt like he was siding with her adn beliving her BS all over again. I felt like he put a knife in my back - but I gave him what he wanted. I told him that we did not have to be like this - that it all started over my concern for a car parked out front of our house. After I told him about the emails, I said, "Now do you see why I am on high alert? I don't care about details. I already know enough. I care about now and our future. I know how evil and manipulative she is, and I tried to point that out in the beginning, but you could not see it because you were addicted and you certainly would not take my word for it because I was the one you were trying to run from." He kept telling me to just stop talkiing and leave him alone, and I told him no and that I was tired of him dictating when and what we could talk about, so he flew off again and said "you want to know details? I will tell you details. I will tell you anything you want to know because I was there!" I know he was angry and hurt, but so was I. I din't want to hurt him anymore, but I also did not want to have to do this again another time and ruin another night. I told him the only things I cared to know are where his head is at...that I wonder everyday how he is coping. I also wonder and pray that the last day of hearing from the OW is done. He said that he was nowhere, and that he has no place. This made me angry and sad. I told him he always had a place with me and our girls before. I asked him what he wanted and he said that he just wanted to give me and our girls what we deserve and have a happy life. During this whole arguement he also said a few times that it felt like we were back at day one. I told him that it was only because he kept sweeping it under the rug and we never really dealt with it and that I was on eggshells and did not feel like I could truly talk about it. That is why we were haivng this argument and then he said no, we were having the argument because I was keeping my feelings inside and not talking about it...WTF. OK - so I knew he had a pretty good buzz...the he was asking if I was acting differently because of thinsg she told me. I told her that I never talked to her, and I didn't. all I had was the emails. I asked him like what - ok - here goes...breat implants. Yep, I made an appt to have breast implants. Why? I have been wanting to ever since I had my last daughter. I just could not see spending that kind of money on anything other than our house or our girls. Well, that all changed. I decided that I was going to focus on me and do something that I wanted to do. I know emotionally I am going through a lot right now, but I told him (and I told him before all of this) that the next big purchase we make was going to be on me for that. Well, no time like the present. And I also told him that I decided that whether I am with him or somone else in the future, I was not going to have any hangups about myslef. He aske dif I decided to do it because now I have the money - I could have stabbed him in the back - I mean, seriously? I could not contain myself and told him that she was the gold digger not me. She was the one who did not work and mooched off of men to get what she wanted. I told him that he was an ass and that I was buying them for myself. What a sh**head. I make my own money, I don't need his. I was POd again. Then I asked him what else he menat when he asked if I was doing things based on what she said. I had not a clue...like what. Like sex things he said - what?!?! OK, so no, I do not know details of that, nor do I care to, but I had no clue what he was talking about...NOTHING that we have done is anything that we haven't done or said before, other than the frequency. He would not say anything else...I still have not a clue and it bugs the heck out of me...I guess he just forgot what we used to do and only remembers them...I don't know. I had to remind him of how we used to be - very often - very intense...and when we did get intimate (even long dry spells) it was intense. Guess he just forgot. So, now I am left with wanting to know what amd i doing so different or that he thinks I am doing different. I am sure there must b some things I am not aware of. I told him that I probably am differnt - my world was turned upside down, I was thrown under a bus, by ego and pride was destroyed....so yep, guess I might seem a bit different. BUT, I pointed out that we should both be different people now - better. So what did we get out of this? I found out that not every new song is about her, but instead me. I found out what some of his triggers are. He found out about the emails and why I feel like I do - although he still can't understand it because he "knows for a fact" that she will never come out here. Sorry - maybe he can feel certain, but I can't, and I told him that only time and peace will convince me. So then he said he wanted more beer. I told him he could not drive, he said he was going to walk. I told him I would take him if hat is what he really needed. So, I got my 3 year old (oldest is at a sleepover), put her in the car and drove to the gas station. Daughter wants a hotdog, so I tell dad to get her a hotdog...she is happy, I put my hand on his leg in the car (after our daughter breaks the ice with her laugh and smile and "thank-you Daddy", he hold my hand, we drive home, put daughter to bed, he takes 2 beers upstairs and falls aslep before he even gets to drink them...told him to go to bed since I have to work tomorrow and I need him to watch the girls, so he is asleep and I am getting the whole night off my chest. Sorry such the long post. So how will things be tomorrow? I feel like we made some progress even though he does not. I told him about some of you fine folks and your stories on here and he said if it helped me, fine, but that he didn't care what anyone in his position said because they were just as low as he was and did what he did and there was no excuse. I told him that I sought out advice so I could understand him better since he did not talk. Any WS act anything like this? Anyone else think we made any progress? I know I finally stood up - something I have been wanting to do...not to hurt, but for my own sanity.