daisygirl 41

H had EA with a co worker last April. Lasted about 6-8 weeks maybe a little longer.

Us: Married 18 years, 3 kids, currently in the most amicable seperaton possible. I have full access to everything, even have keys to his apartment and we spend a LOT of time together.

So my question is to those who have had an EA with a co worker and still work with then, how is this working out for you?
What do you feel/think when you see them?
Is it really possible to have no feelings towards that person and be ambivilant towards them?
H says thats exactly how he feels. That he has no feelings for her, doesnt want to be with her and that its done.

I chatted to someone who had an PA with one of her classroom assistants. The A has been over for some time and she now says she has no feelings whatsover for the man. She works with him everyday and really couldnt care less about him!

Just curious. Thanks in advance for your replies.

Almostrecovered

if your friend was indeed telling the truth, then it is a rare exception

no contact is a vital element of R and breaking the affair for many reasons

1) even if it is truly "over" the BS can't heal due to constant fear/worry that something is going and the affair is now underground or continuing
2) AP's will often "go fishing". They will try to be friendly to start things up again. Keeping NC helps prevent this.
3) The WS needs to break free of their fog and having their AP around them will just keep them there

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daisygirl 41

To be honest point 2 is my main concern. I am afraid that the OW still has feelings for my H. I have no evidence but I do know that her marriage is very shaky and to be honest my H is a good catch! The thought that she may have her eye on him Is very difficult for me.
But as I have said I haveno evidence that anything is still going on.

But I wonder, we all have exes that we wld rather forget, I'm sure. It's possible that the AP Cld be seen like this and when the fog has lifted one Cld be left wondering what the hell you we're thinking!

So almostrecovered are you suggesting that R is impossible in this situation or highly unlikely?

stressedmomandwife

I'm in a similar situation, my H also says that she means nothing that she could disappear and he would care less. I really badly want to believe its true but from what I've read and heard there is more of a connection with an EA than a PA and ending the relationship with the ow is very hard to do and heartbreaking. I too would like to know how it feels to work with the ow.
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daisygirl 41

How long ago was ur dday strssedmom?
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stressedmomandwife

Dday: dec. 16.
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Entropy3000

I left my job for another and then went through withdrawal which took four to six weeks.

No way I could have continued to work with her.

Total NC.

daisygirl 41

Oh wow so it's still very early days for you. I'm 8 months in and Only now is my anxiety and worry easing. The first 2 months were hell and the thought of her being in work with him is a daily struggle. I am at the point now where the trust is returning but it's not just him is it? I don't know her, don't know what she is like and I wonder everyday if she still has her eye on him!
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daisygirl 41

Thankyou for your reply. One thing that did help was that a few weeks after dday my H has 6 weeks off work. I think this time away from her really helped us as Definately had NC with her. My H was very remorseful and visibly shaken up by what happened, in fact, he still hasn't forgiven himself and that's the one thing that is hindering our R.
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Entropy3000

It took me many years to forgive myself completely. I realized that I could not be the husband my wife deserved if I did not do that.

I will say that while he had a good chance to go NC to withdraw, it would be much better for them to be totally NC ... forever. The chances for the EA to start up again are too high in my opinion.

Jellybeans

Daisy--as someone who had an A, I still have not forgiven myself either--it's hard to. I actually don't understand/fathom how easy others are able to do it (or maybe, not so easy) but how anyone acn do it, really. It just hasn't happened for me.

Re: your H...he should stay NO CONTACT forever. I can't imagine having an affair with someone at work and still staying in close contact every day...would help the marriage. No way.

Some people look at their AP with total disgust at what they represent and don't ever even want to look in their direction again. And for others, they know any contact would set them way back so they respect that boundary. I prefer the latter and think it is the best post-affair in ANy situation.

I side with Entrop--the chances of it starting again are high if they don't have good boundaries. That's why it's best to stay far away from eachother/no contact forever. It's just not a risk I'd ever take. Personally, I have never had contact with OM since the end of my A, even now that I am divorced. It's just not something I will do again. And we've known eachother most of our lives. Not willing to break no contact.

daisygirl 41

Entropy - how did you finally start to forgive yourself? Is there anything I can do to help My H with this process? I truly believe there isn't much hope for us if he can't do this.
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daisygirl 41

Jellybeansi really do wish there was NC but in the current climate there is no way H can leave his job. There just aren't
Any available in his field at the moment.
He swears he feels nothing for her. I asked him again today. Ive been so hurt though and it's just so hard to let it go. I'm really trying though.
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