The ironic thing is that statistics show that 80% of people who get divorces wish they had stayed together. By then it's too late.
My take on that would be that things didn't turn out all sweetness and perfection after the divorce - so instead of weighing it out carefully and finding that divorcing was still all for the best, they flip-flop and say I-wish-I-hadn't. Anything to avoid recognition of the fact that life isn't a candy store no matter what you do.
Doing, then wishing, then re-wishing all over again is all part of the game of irrational, excessive expectations. Usually doesn't end until the expectations are brought into line with reality. My divorce won't be a trip to Disney World, but I'll still end up a whole lot better for it. Small improvements count too.
My take on that would be that things didn't turn out all sweetness and perfection after the divorce - so instead of weighing it out carefully and finding that divorcing was still all for the best, they flip-flop and say I-wish-I-hadn't. Anything to avoid recognition of the fact that life isn't a candy store no matter what you do.
Doing, then wishing, then re-wishing all over again is all part of the game of irrational, excessive expectations. Usually doesn't end until the expectations are brought into line with reality. My divorce won't be a trip to Disney World, but I'll still end up a whole lot better for it. Small improvements count too.
That may be true but I think it's because people get divorced thinking it's easier than working out the problems in the marriage. Then after the divorce they find the problems are still there and some new ones like child visitation, financial concerns, relationship issues have been added. Divorce is not a magic eraser. Whatever the problems were they still have to be addressed regardless of the relationship going forward.
And, interestingly, it's much lower for those with college degrees than those without.
Also interesting: a college dropout is the most likely to divorce. I suspect it has something to do with not being able to finish what you started. Posted via Mobile Device
probably more likely to do with economics and income
probably more likely to do with economics and income
I doubt it. One could assume that a person with some college, but not a degree, would be at least as well off as someone with no college at all. And yet they're divorcing at a higher rate.
As for college grads vs non grads, economics probably does play a role, but the people conducting these studies think a larger factor is that college grads tend to wait longer to get married than non grads. Posted via Mobile Device
probably more likely to do with economics and income
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beowulf
The ironic thing is that statistics show that 80% of people who get divorces wish they had stayed together. By then it's too late.
I don't agree with that # at all. While most people regret that their marriage did not last, I think in the end, people are happier and come to accept it was not meant to be. Plus, for the one who didn't want the divorce (as most divorces are NOT mutual), they eventually are relieved to be out of a relationship with someone who didn't want to put in the same amount of effort and walked away/terminated the marriage. Win-win.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beowulf
Divorce is not a magic eraser. Whatever the problems were they still have to be addressed regardless of the relationship going forward.
Agreed. Which is why people should look inwards after a divorce and see what part they contributed to the marital demise and own it and also look at what their partner did and commit to not repeat bad relationship patterns.
I don't agree with that # at all. While most people regret that their marriage did not last, I think in the end, people are happier and come to accept it was not meant to be. Plus, for the one who didn't want the divorce (as most divorces are NOT mutual), they eventually are relieved to be out of a relationship with someone who didn't want to put in the same amount of effort and walked away/terminated the marriage. Win-win.
Agreed. Which is why people should look inwards after a divorce and see what part they contributed to the marital demise and own it and also look at what their partner did and commit to not repeat bad relationship patterns.
I agree that people should look inwards to see where they contributed to the marriage's demise but I feel that if they did that while STILL married maybe the marriage could have been saved. Maybe I'm just a naive optimist though.
I agree that people should look inwards to see where they contributed to the marriage's demise but I feel that if they did that while STILL married maybe the marriage could have been saved. Maybe I'm just a naive optimist though.
Well, of course. But the fact is, divorces do happen. Most of the time they are not mutual. One person generally wants out,and the other has to concede. And one person alone cannot make it work. So if one person wants out, they are actually giving the one who wants to stay in the marriage a gift. Because it's a huge fundamental difference. Both parties get to go on their own way w/o staying in a one-sided marriage. Win-win.
That may be true but I think it's because people get divorced thinking it's easier than working out the problems in the marriage.
Might be true for some people. But there are others of us with spouses who are themselves the problems, amoral and irreparable. Can't say what's the exception and what's the rule. Might be 50-50. Point is if you start with what is best for you alone and let that be your guide, you're most likely not to step wrong.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beowulf
Divorce is not a magic eraser. Whatever the problems were they still have to be addressed regardless of the relationship going forward.
Sometimes addressing the problem means cutting it out like a cancer. Divorce may not be a magic eraser, but it looks to make a darned good scalpel.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
Both parties get to go on their own way w/o staying in a one-sided marriage. Win-win.
Wow, long thread! Lots to read here. Can someone save me some time and tell me what the general consensus on this book was? It's a small price to pay if it helps, but an overpriced rip off if it doesn't.
Wow, long thread! Lots to read here. Can someone save me some time and tell me what the general consensus on this book was? It's a small price to pay if it helps, but an overpriced rip off if it doesn't.
My take on the thread was, good book, lots of on-the-ground type info. The signs are mostly accurate, but the underlying assumption about why women cheat (unfamiliarity with their sexuality) is not applicable to every situation.
The signs are mostly accurate, but the underlying assumption about why women cheat (unfamiliarity with their sexuality) is not applicable to every situation.
I'd agree with this. It's an interesting read but it pretty much states that most women cheat for the same reason. That reason being that they become bored with their sex partners and want some variety.
Kind of a very feminist take on why women cheat which I'm sure was accurate for the author but IMO doesn't apply to even most cases. The reasons for cheating for both men and women are all over the board.
It does make an interesting point about how fidelity is a choice that we all have to make. It doesn't just happen.
I'm less interested in the book explaining why my wife cheated, unless having my wife read this would help her snap out of it. Has anyone found that to be the case?
I'm would also be interested if the book gives me tactics on how to snap her out of it, tactics that aren't already covered here, such as 180 or plan A/B, or covers them more in depth. Has anyone found that to be the case?
I'd agree with this. It's an interesting read but it pretty much states that most women cheat for the same reason. That reason being that they become bored with their sex partners and want some variety.
Kind of a very feminist take on why women cheat which I'm sure was accurate for the author but IMO doesn't apply to even most cases. The reasons for cheating for both men and women are all over the board.
It does make an interesting point about how fidelity is a choice that we all have to make. It doesn't just happen.
It's probably worth noting that this book is based on interviews with women who went out of their way and volunteered to talk about their actions and experiences. I tend to believe that the kind of person who does that is one who feels justifed, and certainly not ashamed, in her actions and feels the need to rationalize her bad behavior.
I suspect the conclusions one would draw from such interviews would be very different from those one might draw from speaking with someone who feels remorse, regret and shame. Of course, people who feel remorse, regret and shame usually aren't eager to give interviews about it.
So, while I'm sure the book might have some value, I wouldn't draw any major conclusions from it given the less than complete sample size with which the author (who, by the way, has no scientific or psychological background) works. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Women’s Infidelity Book 
