Sexual Fulfillment after Affair...

BrknHearted · 01-29-2012, 07:09 AM

We are not yet in counseling, quite honestly, I have been putting it off because I'm not sure we're salvageable. He ended all contact, and we have been following the book Surviving an Affair...We filled out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and Love Busters questionnaires and went over them finally last night...

He absolutely had no issues with our marriage. None - I've met and/or exceeded most of his needs. His affair was just something he'd been engaging in for years before me and continued while he was with me.

So I needed to know what he was getting from her because he would be missing it and I want to meet my partner's needs. He always said "i don't know"...then he said "kinky sex"...when I asked for details...yep, he said "i don't know"...last night he shared more...and it still isn't something I'd deny him - in fact it seems fairly tame to me - but it is something he doesn't want from me...

my WS's sex of choice is rough/kinky sex...the kind he had with his OW...but he doesn't want that kind of sex with me...

he says I misunderstand...yeah...sure...i understand that his sex of choice is with the OW and if he has that kind of sex with me, he'll feel like he's betraying her...

he says i still don't understand...maybe not.

aeg512 · 01-29-2012, 07:47 AM

Your WH could have you on a pedestal and feel he would be demeaning you with other than vanilla sex. This would not be the first time something like this took place. You both need to get into MC to explore this as a couple. You would need to locate a counselor that is experienced in this area, that will be the hard part. The issue needs to be discussed in an open setting.

Shaggy · 01-30-2012, 09:29 AM

I think you're correct in your assessment on the kinky sex. It's his and her special thing and he's afraid of breaking her trust.

Almostrecovered · 01-30-2012, 09:32 AM

wh0re and madonna complex

morituri · 01-30-2012, 09:47 AM

This is the dichotomy that a lot of cheating spouses create when having an affair with regards to their spouses and lovers. Your WH sees you as his wife and the mother of his children NOT his lover. That's why he probably did things - sexual - with her that he wouldn't do with you and may still not want to do with you.

There is no easy answer on how to resolve this. For starters, IF he is truly ashamed and remorseful of having betrayed you, he may see the kinky sex he had with the OW as a trigger he wants to avoid at all costs. Then it is not so much a rejection of you but a rejection of everything related with the affair and the OW. Is he truly ashamed and remorseful for having betrayed you?

FourtyPlus · 01-30-2012, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Almostrecovered

wh0re and madonna complex

I never thought of it that way. I always figured it was just the wives/women being unable to be a ***** and madonna in one person.

working_together · 01-30-2012, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

This is the dichotomy that a lot of cheating spouses create when having an affair with regards to their spouses and lovers. Your WH sees you as his wife and the mother of his children NOT his lover. That's why he probably did things - sexual - with her that he wouldn't do with you and may still not want to do with you.

There is no easy answer on how to resolve this. For starters, IF he is truly ashamed and remorseful of having betrayed you, he may see the kinky sex he had with the OW as a trigger he wants to avoid at all costs. Then it is not so much a rejection of you but a rejection of everything related with the affair and the OW. Is he truly ashamed and remorseful for having betrayed you?