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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-03-2012, 07:18 PM   #211 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
if you want R then filing for divorce is your best hope to bring her out of the affair
if you are truly the horrible husband you say you are then file for divorce and set her free


plan a and b are the same
Well i agree, to a point.
Considering what his wife have felt and still accusing him for.

truth or made up.Is somewhat irrelevant in the grand scheme,
of it all.Problems can always be fixed.If both party is willing enough.

The question that should be asked is
Why is she still there?
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:00 PM   #212 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Alright everyone, I finally grew a pair.

Tonight her entire family that is in town and I went to an activity center for about 1.5 hours. My WW had to run a few errands. Obviously, she went to see her affair partner. I confronted her when she finally got home.

I told her that I had enough of her lies and going behind my back to her affair partner. She tried to deny it, but I can finally tell when she is lying by her body language. She saw him tonight after we went to a marriage counseling session this afternoon. She says that I drove her to him by being so mean during this time after d-day. She says everytime that I am mean or have yelled at her during this time that it only makes her want to see him more. I told her fine, and I hope it works out for you. I don't care if you see him anymore, because I can't do this anymore.

I told her that I want this to work, but I can't have you parading your affair in my face any longer. She was angry because I got to end my own emotional affair, but she was caught in the middle of hers. WTF? I told her that I know it's hard and she should be with him if he makes her happy.

We hashed out the big details of what she wants, how much $, car, furniture, and when she will leave. I offered her more money so that we could use the DIY divorce forms online and she agreed. I told her that either we agree to all the terms now or I'm just going to pay the lawyer to deal with it on Monday.

I just filled out the forms on legal zoom and I'm going to get her to review them tonight.

I'm hoping she will review them and we can send them off for processing tonight. If not, I will just pay the lawyer the money and reduce the $$ she is getting from me.
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:21 PM   #213 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

You seem to soft/weak to be that mean. I'm wondering if you have been manipulated into thinking you're mean. I would think if you were that mean your wife would be afraid to flaunt her affair in your face. I think you need counseling to check this out. Last time I checked people are generally afraid of mean/angry people.
I'm not mean and I'm sure my wife would think if she had an affair her AP would be in danger yet your wifes affair partner has no repect for you either.

Have you been reading here?

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference
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Old 02-03-2012, 09:53 PM   #214 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

First I'd like to say that I am so sorry that you are in this situation, secondly I am sorry for being so late to this thread, but I have been triggering pretty badly with this one and haven't been able to post. I'm not meaning to thread jack here but I feel you need to know some of my background. While I may not be as experienced and wise as many other posters in this forum I sadly have an abundance of experience in your marital situation.

I was with my exh for almost 25 years. Two and a half years ago I finally saw who he really was. I got fb messages saying he was messing around with his ex gf, she lives accross the country, but he still managed to spend a month or two back there for work each year. Then I found out there was another ons when he had my sons there for a vacation. Then I found numerous EA's, one was with his nephews wife. She asked him to go visit her so she could "make his fantasies come true". Right after that he asked if we could go visit her. He would come home at 4am from hanging with a female co-worker. There was lots of verbal abuse, discussions of my weight, telling me it was a waste to spend money on me. At one point in time there was some physical abuse, little roughing up but no punching or kicking. I had some pretty invasive surgery and came down with pneumonia after. When I was released from the hospital under his care and in need of supervision, he left to go spare for a baseball game and came home 5 hours later. He truly was a POS, there is more but I think you can get the point.

Even after all of this happened I never cheated on him. I could have easily excused my cheating with his behaviour, but when I married him I meant my vows. I honestly and truly believe there is no excuse for cheating. So when you want to buy into your wifes bs that it's part your fault, please think of me. I personally think you should pack her bags and drop her off at the OM's house, without your credit cards or car, if he wants her let him have her and support her.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:09 PM   #215 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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You seem to soft/weak to be that mean. I'm wondering if you have been manipulated into thinking you're mean. I would think if you were that mean your wife would be afraid to flaunt her affair in your face. I think you need counseling to check this out. Last time I checked people are generally afraid of mean/angry people.
I'm not mean and I'm sure my wife would think if she had an affair her AP would be in danger yet your wifes affair partner has no repect for you either.

Have you been reading here?

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference
I have been thinking the same thing, maybe I'm wrong, but you were so quick to admit to your faults. And you keep talking about how bad you were. Most abusers never admit to anything, that's why treatment isn't very successful.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:10 PM   #216 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Thanks Always Hopefull.

As much of a POS I have been to my wife, I couldn't leave her completely defenseless and out in the cold especially not after spending 9 years of my life with her and her giving me 2 sons.

My wife is convinced that she just needs some space to figure out what she wants in life because we started dating when she was 19. I know she feels like she had her partying and freedom years stolen from her.

She is convinced that she and her AP are friends first and if she told him she never wanted a romantic relationship with him, he would understand. I respond by saying you THINK that's true, but you DON'T KNOW.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:15 PM   #217 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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Thanks Always Hopefull.

As much of a POS I have been to my wife, I couldn't leave her completely defenseless and out in the cold especially not after spending 9 years of my life with her and her giving me 2 sons.

My wife is convinced that she just needs some space to figure out what she wants in life because we started dating when she was 19. I know she feels like she had her partying and freedom years stolen from her.

She is convinced that she and her AP are friends first and if she told him she never wanted a romantic relationship with him, he would understand. I respond by saying you THINK that's true, but you DON'T KNOW.
This is definitely not how a mean husband would respond. If this weren't sad it would be funny.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:19 PM   #218 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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Originally Posted by Devastated2 View Post
Alright everyone, I finally grew a pair.

Tonight her entire family that is in town and I went to an activity center for about 1.5 hours. My WW had to run a few errands. Obviously, she went to see her affair partner. I confronted her when she finally got home.

I told her that I had enough of her lies and going behind my back to her affair partner. She tried to deny it, but I can finally tell when she is lying by her body language. She saw him tonight after we went to a marriage counseling session this afternoon. She says that I drove her to him by being so mean during this time after d-day. She says everytime that I am mean or have yelled at her during this time that it only makes her want to see him more. I told her fine, and I hope it works out for you. I don't care if you see him anymore, because I can't do this anymore.

I told her that I want this to work, but I can't have you parading your affair in my face any longer. She was angry because I got to end my own emotional affair, but she was caught in the middle of hers. WTF? I told her that I know it's hard and she should be with him if he makes her happy.

We hashed out the big details of what she wants, how much $, car, furniture, and when she will leave. I offered her more money so that we could use the DIY divorce forms online and she agreed. I told her that either we agree to all the terms now or I'm just going to pay the lawyer to deal with it on Monday.

I just filled out the forms on legal zoom and I'm going to get her to review them tonight.

I'm hoping she will review them and we can send them off for processing tonight. If not, I will just pay the lawyer the money and reduce the $$ she is getting from me.
What she is saying is untrue, about how you drove her to see OM, that is bs. I am a former WS and I was yelled at etc. I never once thought of running to him because my H. was treating me poorly, I was scared sh&tless. I knew if he would find that out, it would be worse.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:33 PM   #219 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Devastated,

I know you are hurting. I know that you feel your the worst husband in the world.

But you are not. I think moving ahead with the D is the right thing to do for you and your family.

Your W does not love you. And worse she is very disrespectful flaunting the A in your face. She is in the "fog".

You should use an attorney. You should use your prenup. You should not give her one penny more.

She missed her "wild" years! Wake up man!

She won't miss them when she is broke. You can still help out your boys.

You are way too nice. And it is costing you your marriage.

It is really not about how you treated her. It is her being selfish. She wants her "wild" years before she gets too old.

Get a lawyer. Follow you prenup. All she is going to do is use the extra $$$ to party and screw the OM.

Good Luck.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:40 PM   #220 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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Thanks Always Hopefull.

As much of a POS I have been to my wife, I couldn't leave her completely defenseless and out in the cold especially not after spending 9 years of my life with her and her giving me 2 sons.

My wife is convinced that she just needs some space to figure out what she wants in life because we started dating when she was 19. I know she feels like she had her partying and freedom years stolen from her.

She is convinced that she and her AP are friends first and if she told him she never wanted a romantic relationship with him, he would understand. I respond by saying you THINK that's true, but you DON'T KNOW.
Believe me I am the last person to tell you to do something mean to your wife. However, I do think that his guy and your WW both need a good reality check. You and I both know that given their history there is little chance that this guy just wants to be friends. He may be targeting your wife thinking that she will be in for some nice spousal support. Remember he too is living in the affair fog. Being faced with the reality of having to be financially responsible for someone else and help with her children may help him see the reality of the situation. An added bonus may be that he tells her that the whole situation is too much for him. Right now hes getting the all play no pay package.

I have a question about the bolded statement, has your W ever said she felt she missed out on partying? I myself had thoughts over the years similar to this, but I realized that it was my decision to get married and have children. Is she in any individual counselling? If she isn't I think she needs it, maybe even before she can be open to MC. With some IC she may be able to get herself into a better frame of mind and begin to open up to any suggestions made by your MC.

As an alternative to dropping her off on his doorstep, what about setting her up in the family home, with the condition she starts looking for a job and gets some IC. Just make sure that some of the money she earns goes towards the bills. If you really and truly want to R with her, she needs to fix herself before she can even be in a position to fix your M.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:50 PM   #221 (permalink)
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Devastated,

I know you are hurting. I know that you feel your the worst husband in the world.

But you are not. I think moving ahead with the D is the right thing to do for you and your family.

Your W does not love you. And worse she is very disrespectful flaunting the A in your face. She is in the "fog".

You should use an attorney. You should use your prenup. You should not give her one penny more.

She missed her "wild" years! Wake up man!

She won't miss them when she is broke. You can still help out your boys.

You are way too nice. And it is costing you your marriage.

It is really not about how you treated her. It is her being selfish. She wants her "wild" years before she gets too old.

Get a lawyer. Follow you prenup. All she is going to do is use the extra $$$ to party and screw the OM.

Good Luck.
My WW is going to struggle financially when we get divorced. I have no desire in punishing her and my sons in the process. I care about her very much, even though she doesn't love me romantically anymore. She devoted 9 years to supporting me and raising our boys. Her affair is wrong, but I'm not going to ignore the other 9 years we spent together because she hurt me.

I would much rather give her the extra money than give it to a lawyer. What she does with the money is her business. As long as my sons are taken care of that is all that matters to me.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:52 PM   #222 (permalink)
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Why is she taking the kids?
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:56 PM   #223 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Dev,

Do you realize that the more accommodating you are the less of a chance you ever have to get your wife out of her fog and get your family back? The point of the 180, exposing to family and friends, etc. is to make the affair uncomfortable if not impossible to keep going. Pardon me for my language but the way you are acting you are practically spreading your wife's legs and pointing the OM's d!ck right at her. I NEVER use this kind of language but DAMN MAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Stick the screws to her and the other man so the fog will lift and she'll see what an a$$ he is and what a b!tch she is being.
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:00 PM   #224 (permalink)
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Believe me I am the last person to tell you to do something mean to your wife. However, I do think that his guy and your WW both need a good reality check. You and I both know that given their history there is little chance that this guy just wants to be friends. He may be targeting your wife thinking that she will be in for some nice spousal support. Remember he too is living in the affair fog. Being faced with the reality of having to be financially responsible for someone else and help with her children may help him see the reality of the situation. An added bonus may be that he tells her that the whole situation is too much for him. Right now hes getting the all play no pay package.

I have a question about the bolded statement, has your W ever said she felt she missed out on partying? I myself had thoughts over the years similar to this, but I realized that it was my decision to get married and have children. Is she in any individual counselling? If she isn't I think she needs it, maybe even before she can be open to MC. With some IC she may be able to get herself into a better frame of mind and begin to open up to any suggestions made by your MC.

As an alternative to dropping her off on his doorstep, what about setting her up in the family home, with the condition she starts looking for a job and gets some IC. Just make sure that some of the money she earns goes towards the bills. If you really and truly want to R with her, she needs to fix herself before she can even be in a position to fix your M.
Believe me, I don't believe for a second that the are going to stop having sex. He makes her feel special and pays attention to her. Apparently, he is pretty well off financially from what she tells me. She has thrown it in my face that I'm pushing her to ask him for money because I cut her credit cards off.

My wife has mentioned that she missed out on the college experience of partying, dating, and other young adult stuff. She probably does need individual counseling, but she won't listen to me now and she won't be able to afford it without health insurance.

She is going to be living in my house Monday through Thursday while I am out of town and somewhere else when I am in town. I think that she has realized that she must get a job to survive. She is going to save it all for herself, and I really don't want to argue about it with her.

I do want to reconcile with her, but it seems more and more impossible every day. I think that after some time has passed I will try to rekindle everything with her, but who knows what the future holds. She says she wants to be independent because she has only seriously dated 2 men including me and they were both long relationships. I agree with my wife that she needs to sort some things out in her life. She needs to figure out who she is and what she wants in life.
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Old 02-03-2012, 11:01 PM   #225 (permalink)
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Why is she taking the kids?
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I travel for work Monday through Thursday. Primary custody isn't even an option until I find a new job.
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