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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-22-2012, 02:37 PM   #391 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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Originally Posted by PHTlump View Post
I will allow that, if the OP was too alpha during his marriage (which would put him in a tiny minority of men), and his wife left because of him being too alpha, then she is unlikely to be won back to ramping up the alpha.

However, just going by what he wrote in this thread, I'm not sold on that being the case. The list of offenses was minor. And, it's possible that, if the wife is gaslighting him, it worked. This board is full of stories of loyal spouses apologizing to disloyal spouses and killing themselves to jump through whatever hoops the disloyal spouses set up. And it rarely works.

Also, if the wife is on the prowl for beta men, she's unlikely to find them at 4am at the local singles club. That's the hunting ground of the alphas.
He's not divulging all of his marital problems here. Again, you guys have a completely different impression of his wife and what he'd done in the marriage. By his own admission she was the best wife you can ever want, he now realises he took her for granted.

She isn't looking for beta men or any man at all. She wants out and wants to live the single life after devoting 10 years of her life completely to him.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:49 PM   #392 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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He's not divulging all of his marital problems here. Again, you guys have a completely different impression of his wife and what he'd done in the marriage. By his own admission she was the best wife you can ever want, he now realises he took her for granted.
There are two possibilities. The first is that he has presented a very inaccurate picture in this thread over the last few weeks. That he is a bad guy who drove his wonderful wife away. The second possibility is that he presented an accurate picture here. That he made the kind of mistakes that most men make in marriage, but his wife has been successful in gaslighting him into believing that he was such a monster that his pure-of-heart wife had no choice but to go whoring around on the weekends before her divorce is final.

Each of those situations would result in the OP stating that he was the bad guy and his wife was the good guy. Strictly playing the odds, I think it's far more likely that the OP has been gaslighted.

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She isn't looking for beta men or any man at all. She wants out and wants to live the single life after devoting 10 years of her life completely to him.
She's out whoring on the weekends. She's staying out all night long with multiple men. She may not be searching for marriage, or true love, but she's searching for something that these men have to give her. If you know what I mean.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:58 PM   #393 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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He's not divulging all of his marital problems here. Again, you guys have a completely different impression of his wife and what he'd done in the marriage. By his own admission she was the best wife you can ever want, he now realises he took her for granted.

She isn't looking for beta men or any man at all. She wants out and wants to live the single life after devoting 10 years of her life completely to him.
If she wants out, then D is doing the right thing by seeking a divorce. Based on what he's posted, it doesn't sound like there is anything he can do or say that will save his marriage. She's done. So, the next best step is to protect himself and his children. Letting her go seems like the only option.

It's good you're seeking primary custody D, because your STBXW sounds like she's also done with being a devoted mother. I'm sure she put the kids first for years, but it doesn't mean she will continue to put them first. You've already noticed they are no longer her #1 priority. Right now . . . she is her number one priority.

Stay strong D. You don't want your kids waking up to find some strange man coming out of Mom's bedroom when she's on her own after the divorce. That's the icky $#!t my H had to deal with after his parents divorced (his Dad cheated). Based on how messed up he is regarding relationships now (he's a WS) I'm sure it didn't help that he had such crappy relationship role models.
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Old 02-22-2012, 03:16 PM   #394 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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He's not divulging all of his marital problems here. Again, you guys have a completely different impression of his wife and what he'd done in the marriage. By his own admission she was the best wife you can ever want, he now realises he took her for granted.

She isn't looking for beta men or any man at all. She wants out and wants to live the single life after devoting 10 years of her life completely to him.
If true, then I have to say that is on the OP. If he comes here for advice, but only give incomplete information, then how can he expect people to actually help him? This is nothing more than Garbage in Garbage Out.

What is the point of posting here?

That being said, I lean toward what PHTlump points out.
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Old 02-22-2012, 04:10 PM   #395 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Ok, say Dev was the absolute worst husband ever. Say his wife was a complete angel. Say everything that led to this point was completely his fault. So? Does it change the fact that she is acting like a wh0re? Does it change the fact that right now she is a terrible mother and has put her own selfish needs above the needs of her children? Does it change the fact that she is a bad influence on the children? Does it change the fact that she is not marriage material right now? Does it change the fact that she has tossed her future away? Does it change the fact that unless she has an epiphany and comes crawling back to Dev, this marriage is OVER? No.

Right now Dev has to take care of his kids. Right now he needs to get his own house in order and she has to be evicted from that house for everyone's good. Right now he needs to make sure he and his children are financially secure and in a stable situation. And then he needs to make sure to work on himself so that he becomes a better man and potentially a better husband to whatever woman that might be.

It doesn't matter which road you travel to get to where you are and it doesn't take a genius to know when to get out of the way of an oncoming Mack truck.
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Old 03-31-2012, 10:51 PM   #396 (permalink)
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Here is quick update on my situation.

I landed a job in town with no travel and good work/life balance. I'm taking a pretty large paycut (~$20k). We are planning to settle out of court and I'm getting 50/50 custody. I'm excited but scared about being a newly single dad. I have been going to individual counseling and a rebuilding from divorce class every week.

I have pleaded with her to try to save our marriage and our family. She has completely refused to try to save our marriage. Her behavior has been pretty unusal during the last month or so. She has kicked a hole in the wall, attacked me a few times, threatened to kill herself (once with a knife at her throat for over an hour), and talked about walking away and leaving the boys with me permanently. I have been on an emotional roller coaster.

The divorce is moving along. My attorney was not happy that I contacted her affair partners co-workers and friends. If anyone is thinking about it, be careful.

She started moving out today. About a month ago, I told her that I would not co-sign on a house for her to live in. I found out last night that she is moving into her affair partners house he moved out of about a month ago. She told me that it's sad that another person is generous enough to help her. I told her that someone she is sleeping with isn't exactly a generous stranger and he has a vested interest in renting her his house. I told her I'm curious how long he will let her rent his house after your relationship ends. She was pretty upset about my comments.

She has temporary orders to get child support so she can move out. She asked me if I would let her borrom money so she can buy stuff for her new place. I told her NO. She told me I'm mean and she knows she is making the right decision to leave. I'm in a complete catch 22. If I stand up for myself, I am the mean and terrible husband she thinks of me as and is justified in leaving. She keeps telling me that I am controlling and all I try to do now is control her with money. It definitely does not seem like she is going to change her mind.

She tells me she wants to be with someone who cares about her regardless of with her or not. She says that I only care about her if she is with me. In my mind, I can still care about her and not financially support her. She just uses this as an example of why I have an unhealthy relationship with money and money is all that matters to me.

I'm not sure if I should tell her affair partner that she has been dating someone else while she has been sleeping with him. Should I tell him so he knows he is getting manipulated? What does everyone think?
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:02 PM   #397 (permalink)
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Stop dancing on her string and stop trying to punish her. Do not loan her money. Document the violent outbreaks and suicidal incidents and give that to your lawyer.

She is unstable.

BUT she is not your problem anymore!!

Protect your children, mine on.
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:09 PM   #398 (permalink)
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Stop dancing on her string and stop trying to punish her. Do not loan her money. Document the violent outbreaks and suicidal incidents and give that to your lawyer.

She is unstable.

BUT she is not your problem anymore!!

Protect your children, mine on.
Why do you think I am trying to punish her?

I have documented her violent outburts and suicide talks. My attorney knows about them. It doesn't really matter unless we go to court though. I live in Texas and it is insanely difficult to get more than every other weekend visitation for a father.

I kind of think her suicide talks were just her trying to manipulate me. But, she does can get pretty emotional when she gets upset.

I'm not planning to support her financially. I have no problem taking care of the boys, but I don't think I have any other responsibility that child support when the boys are with her.
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:50 PM   #399 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Devastated, come on! You are behaving like a complete DOORMAT.

Please tell me Why she should respect you, let alone want you?

I'm really curious to know why you think she would choose you at this point.
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Old 04-01-2012, 07:00 AM   #400 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

D2,

Go back and read your early posts.

You had a plan and you should stick to it.

Your wife made a choice and it was not you.

You sound like you are starting to get your act together. Keep moving forward.

Worry about you and your boys. Your wayward wife is no longer your problem. She can keep screwing around on those guys until she finds herself homeless for all you care.

She needs to live by her choices just like you do. Concentrate on being the best man and father you can be.

You can only control you! Make the most of it!

HM64
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:16 AM   #401 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Your doing ok, keep your distance from her and try get the contact with her down to exchanging children only. Be firm she chose her life style , she chose to move out therefore she chose not to have your financial support. As mentioned before document , photograph/video damages she causes as well her antics, give them to your lawyer.

Regarding exposure to her coworkers and your lawyers opinion , there is a reason why he is a divorce lawyer , they are not there to save marriages. It would be a sad day for your wife and the OM if they lodge a complaint , they will do more damage to themselves. The truth hurts especialy if your a wayward.

Your sole responsability now is to focus on you and your children , your STBX wife is not your problem .
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:46 AM   #402 (permalink)
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And you don't see it as worth the effort to protect your children?

Texas or not, THAT kind of behavior is significant.
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Old 04-01-2012, 10:53 AM   #403 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

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I'm not sure if I should tell her affair partner that she has been dating someone else while she has been sleeping with him. Should I tell him so he knows he is getting manipulated? What does everyone think?
If you have hard evidence of her multiple affair's, you should mail it to him anonymously.
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Old 04-01-2012, 12:24 PM   #404 (permalink)
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Sorry I skipped all the other posts I will go back and read them shortly, but what worked in my case is that my sister busted my H with OW and so the affair was no longer a secret and he got scared and then finally started coming clean, when you confront them yourself it always is your fault and etc, the best thing to do is get someone else to catch them like it was accidental and then the panic will set in and they will see what they are going to lose versus what they are going to keep staying in the affair. Then once busted, you leave, no matter how hard and just ignore her for a few days and she will begin to think she screwed up and lost everything and then will come clean and try to work on it, it worked for me.
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Old 04-02-2012, 08:17 AM   #405 (permalink)
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Default Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

BeenThere, in all my years of doing this, I never thought of having another family member doing the exposing. Huh. I may actually start suggesting that. I do believe that a betrayed spouse should be the one doing the busting - the BS has to learn to be angry and stand up for themselves - but if that alone doesn't work, ask the others to help.
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