I agree that the son shouldn't have been told yet. But it's done now. Going forward, I would try my best to portray any marital problems as being between you and your wife, having nothing to do with your kids.
At your son's age, his self-image is completely wrapped up in his view of his parents. When you tear down his mother, even if she deserves it, you've just knocked him down several pegs as well.
Read some books or blogs on children in divorce and get some better ideas of how to shield your kids, as much as possible, from the ugliness of what is going on.
Other than that, good for you on manning up to your wife. What I now recommend is spending some time planning for contingencies so you're not caught unaware. If she comes to you crying in a day or two, wanting to reconcile, what will you do? Decide now. If she wants to marry her boyfriend and move in next door so you can be a big, extended family and share child-raising duties, what will you do? Decide now. Try to think of all the contingencies and what your position will be on each.
I told her that she needed to decide now if she wanted to stay with me or not. She just stood there speechless.
I told her that I'm not going to be her second option and that we are done. I told her that I'm not working this week and she might as well go spend some time with him. She was getting her stuff and leaving.
I started giving our boys a shower. Then I told our 8 year old son. She overheard and got pissed at me and stormed out of the house.
Then, I called her mom, dad, and brothers. I called my family also. I'm going to hit up her Facebook friends tonight.
Tomorrow, I call the divorce attorney.
Looking back, I probably could have had a better performance (been less emotional and not given her a second chance to decide to stay with me). She told me it was our fault that I haven't paid enough attention to her and made her a priority.
I feel great right now. Having closure is so much better than being in limbo and constantly feeling like I was such a ****ty husband. I prayed before I came in and surprised her for God to close the doors he wants closed and to open the doors that he wants opened.
As hard as it is, you did the right thing. It sounds dumb, but by not putting up with the behavior, you are doing everything you can to save your marriage. Stay strong and follow through with the actions you have committed to. As her world starts to crumble, she will be forced to realize the consequences of her actions.
Use the time you have to work on yourself and be the best father you can be. If she comes back to you, make sure she is truly remorseful (read up on it) before you even consider taking her back, and also understand that you are not obligated to make a hasty decision, you can take as much time as you need.
The other thing I want to say is, don't listen to her lies about it being your fault. You can and should own 50% of the problems of the marriage up to the affair. But nothing you can do is grounds for cheating, and she must own up to that 100%. The right way to handle it for her would have been what you are doing, stating her boundaries and then divorcing before finding something on the side. I am glad that you are not allowing her to cake eat, and have stood up for yourself.
We all wish we could have said or done things a little differently, but you did the right thing and your heart is in the right place. I'm sure your actions threw her for a loop and she is looking at you in a different light even if she isn't acting like it. That kind of self-respect and confidence is very sexy to women.
Don't beat yourself up over the way you handled it. It could have been much worse. Do not assume you are going to go through this with iout making mistakes. It is time for you to start the 180 wheter orr not you end up reconciling or divorcing. The 180 is a plan to take your life back and it works to prepare you for the future.
The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator
So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...
Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
This 180 list may help.
--------------------------
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
2 things to think about if you do this:
1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
At this point, one of your top priorities is to find out who the OM is and who his wife/girl friend, family, employer is. Then you contact his wife/girlfriend . Since she was texting him last night, it may be that she could not go striaght to his house indicating he may have a partner. In that case your wife is almost certainly a booty call for him, although she thinks he loves her.
If he is in a serious relationship, it is imperative to out him to break up the affair.
At this point, one of your top priorities is to find out who the OM is and who his wife/girl friend, family, employer is. Then you contact his wife/girlfriend . Since she was texting him last night, it may be that she could not go striaght to his house indicating he may have a partner. In that case your wife is almost certainly a booty call for him, although she thinks he loves her.
If he is in a serious relationship, it is imperative to out him to break up the affair.
Agree, at the moment he is a name hiding away and destroying you marriage. Track his friends and family down and expose his predatory behaviour . Posted via Mobile Device
Her Lessons might teach her, but dont bother,if she is apologetic btw..if she is , then good for her...
Never let this kind of women to be your spouse any more, even if she pleads for a come back...she seemed only SEX DRIVEN, and its SEX which made her do all the F**KS !!
Only concern , somewhere is, her already sex driven crap foolish mind thinking of foolish acts, if the other guy too rejects her...
8 is too young. He'll be traumatized by the fights between the parents and his loyalties to them. 8 is the right age to be fvcked by a divorce. Neither too young to forget nor too old to understand. The parents should atleast put a good front before the kid
I think devastated wrote that the 8 y/o over heard the confrontation. Chances are that devastated just confirmed to him what he over heard. I mean, you can't gloss over something like that. The kid heard what he heard.
I think devastated wrote that the 8 y/o over heard the confrontation. Chances are that devastated just confirmed to him what he over heard. I mean, you can't gloss over something like that. The kid heard what he heard.
Devastated posted the following:
I started giving our boys a shower. Then I told our 8 year old son. She overheard and got pissed at me and stormed out of the house.
What would be useful is an explanation of what he actually told the eight year old. There is a huge difference to me between saying that mommy is leaving to stay somewhere else for the week and saying that mommy is having an affair and going to stay with her boyfriend.
I started giving our boys a shower. Then I told our 8 year old son. She overheard and got pissed at me and stormed out of the house.
What would be useful is an explanation of what he actually told the eight year old. There is a huge difference to me between saying that mommy is leaving to stay somewhere else for the week and saying that mommy is having an affair and going to stay with her boyfriend.
she , if she is a maternal mother, will get her shame and regret ,on the thought that her son has come to know she has cheated their father...,if not , she will never care like a f**k..in a**h**le b**t*h!!fit enough to be a global public wh**re in bestial realms..!!
70Likes
Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair 
