I have finally found enough proof to convince myself that my wife is definitely having an affair. She displayed a lot of the signs:
1. I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
2. Complete lack of affection.
3. Complete lack of interest in fixing our marriage (it's all my fault).
4. Almost zero interest in my life at all.
5. Telling me she wants space from me while she figures what she wants out.
I don't want to reveal any of my evidence that I have collected. I know she will take the affair deeper underground and I won't be able to find out what is going on. I am seriously thinking about trying to catch them together at our house when I am out of town for work next.
I would give anything save my marriage and not put our 2 kids through a divorce. However, I refuse to be the third wheel in my marriage.
Will anyone please tell me what to do to confront her and then rebuliding my marriage?
If you can afford PI, have the PI stake out the house and her and get photos. That might be better than you confronting them and possibly there being a physcial altercation.
Otherwise, tell her you are going out of town when you are not. Then go spend some time at a family or friends house.
This way you will be around to catch them. Once he's in the house, give them a while and then go into your house. It could get very ugly.
Is he married?
Or you could just confront her alone. Put copies of all of your evidence on the table. Tell her you know and either it stops NOW or she has to leave.
If she leaves, call the OM's (other man) wife and tell her about the affair.. now OM will be too busy trying to save his marriage and he will probably dump your wife. The affair is over at that point.
Under no circumstance do you move out of your home and leave your children.
The first step is to get the affair to end. Until that happens, rebuilding your marriage is not on the table.
You could read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It goes into how to recover your marriage in detail.
In order to recover the marriage she has to prove to you that she can be trusted.
She has to agree to no contact with the OM. She has to write a no-contact letter for you to send to the OM.
She has to give you her passwords for all of her computer accounts and her cell phone. IT's a good idea to tell you that you will put a keystroke tracker on the computer.
She has to agree to total transparency because it's the only way you will trust her ever again... she has to prove, over time, that she can be trusted.
The OM has a girlfriend (or at least that is what my wife told me). I don't know this person though.
I don't want her to know my sources because it will be obvious for her how to cover her tracks. I have very incriminating text messages and she thinks I don't know her phone password. She has been extremely protective of her phone for a while, but she finally slipped up.
The face to face confrontation sounds like the best option at this point. I am not looking for a physical confrontation and I will probably have a friend help me with the confrontation. I want my wife to have no excuses and not be able to lie her way out of this.
You are right, the affair has to stop first and that is my first priority. I like the suggestion about emailing all of her facebook family and friends for help. I know that would infuriate her, but I am going to consider it tough love in order to save my marriage.
I know she is still in the "fog" and isn't thinking clearly about her affair. I want to bring her back to reality ASAP.
I will definitely get that book if she is interested in saving our marriage. I have already spent plenty of money on marriage fix it books, which were not working. Now I know why.
I appreciate any and all advice about this. My mind is not thinking clearly at all.
I don't want to reveal any of my evidence that I have collected.
Exactly what evidence have you collected?
Quote:
I know she will take the affair deeper underground and I won't be able to find out what is going on. I am seriously thinking about trying to catch them together at our house when I am out of town for work next.
What makes you think they meet at your house?
I`ve had affairs, no way in hell I`m getting busted with some guys wife in his house/bed.
Very dangerous and not the usual place cheaters meet.
Quote:
Will anyone please tell me what to do to confront her and then rebuliding my marriage?
She may not want to rebuild.
The advice you`ve gotten so far is on the money but first you have to get her to admit to the infidelity.
You should put some effort into finding out who this guy is, where he lives, etc. Find his girlfriend and tell her about the affair.
Tell her family about the affair as well as ask them for help in ending the affair and repairig your marriage. Telling your family is generally a good idea as well.
As for the book.. it gives a lot of ideas about how to end the affair as well. It covers the idea of a no-contact letter an has the basic letter in the book.
You should put some effort into finding out who this guy is, where he lives, etc. Find his girlfriend and tell her about the affair.
Tell her family about the affair as well as ask them for help in ending the affair and repairig your marriage. Telling your family is generally a good idea as well.
As for the book.. it gives a lot of ideas about how to end the affair as well. It covers the idea of a no-contact letter an has the basic letter in the book.
Again great advice but if all he has is text messages she`ll minimize it as best she can.
You know the lengths they`ll go to keep from admitting anything they don`t have to.
Without a smoking gun he`s going to be spun as the crazy jealous husband to anyone he talks to.
I have finally found enough proof to convince myself that my wife is definitely having an affair. She displayed a lot of the signs:
1. I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
2. Complete lack of affection.
3. Complete lack of interest in fixing our marriage (it's all my fault).
4. Almost zero interest in my life at all.
5. Telling me she wants space from me while she figures what she wants out.
I don't want to reveal any of my evidence that I have collected. I know she will take the affair deeper underground and I won't be able to find out what is going on. I am seriously thinking about trying to catch them together at our house when I am out of town for work next.
I would give anything save my marriage and not put our 2 kids through a divorce. However, I refuse to be the third wheel in my marriage.
Will anyone please tell me what to do to confront her and then rebuliding my marriage?
You already have all the evidence you need, the only thing you need is to keep your source to determine if she is really remorseful when you confront her.
I wouldn't share any info that you have with her, ANYTHING. If I were in your shoes, and I did something similar in my marriage. I'd tell her, "I know what's going on and if you want to continue, we are getting divorced." Then make her leave. If she wants to get honest with you, you have the info you need and can continue to obtain it as you separate.
I can tell you with 100% certainty if you don't hand her the papers and give her an ultimatum with 100% confidence that it is going to go through, she's going to continue to cake-eat and keep up the affair. She's not going to want to give this guy up, so if you let her continue to cheat, she will. Divorce can sometimes snap the women out of the fog and make them realize they are about to lose their security blanket.
If that doesn't snap her out of it, then she's not going to come back anyway so you might as well end it now.
It's intuitive to your feelings, but to save your marriage, you need to be ready to end it. If she thinks you'll stick around forever, she'll let this guy stick her forever.
Also, to make it more uncomfortable, let the OM's wife or girlfriend know. If he's single, tell his family what's going on. Let her close friends and family know that you want to work it out but not while she's in an affair. That way she'll be getting pressured from all sides to end it.
I read her text messages (she told him she wants to have lots of sex very soon), saw the picture of her in her underwear that she sent him and have gps of her at his house. I am convinced.
I know exactly where he lives.
I'm guessing they meet at my house because our kids go to bed at 8 pm and I travel frequently for work. If not, the GPS will tell me where she is.
I am going to tell both our families after I confront her about it.
I want to save my marriage, but if she doesn't I will move on with my life without her.
The best chance to save your marriage is to be willing to end it. I'm serious, you have to accept that you cannot control your wife only yourself. Follow the The 180 degree rules and Just Let Them Go. Doing so will show your wife that you will no accept being her consolation prize if things don't work out with the OM (other man). Be willing to convey to her the following and mean it:
"Look wife, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with him because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with him and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
Your confidence to move on with your life with or without your wife is essential no matter what the outcome of the marriage.
I read her text messages (she told him she wants to have lots of sex very soon), saw the picture of her in her underwear that she sent him and have gps of her at his house. I am convinced.
That`s enough to convince anyone.
Probably not enough to get her to admit the depth of the affair.
Go ahead and confront but accept that it`s gone physical and do not believe her when she tells you it hasn`t
Quote:
I'm guessing they meet at my house because our kids go to bed at 8 pm and I travel frequently for work. If not, the GPS will tell me where she is.
You really think she`d be doing some strange guy in your house (probably your bed) while your kids are sleeping in the next room?
That`s cold, and not too smart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by COguy
I can tell you with 100% certainty if you don't hand her the papers and give her an ultimatum with 100% confidence that it is going to go through, she's going to continue to cake-eat and keep up the affair. She's not going to want to give this guy up, so if you let her continue to cheat, she will. Divorce can sometimes snap the women out of the fog and make them realize they are about to lose their security blanket.
This is a fact.
If I were ever in your shoes my wife would discover I knew about her affair when the process server handed her the divorce papers and not a moment before.
Going nuclear like this is in my experience the best way to snap the wife out of "The Fog" and get her on the straight and narrow quickly.
Quote:
If that doesn't snap her out of it, then she's not going to come back anyway so you might as well end it now.
This is an added benefit of serving her papers.
If she doesn`t snap out of it the wheels are already in motion.
Listen to all the posters here. Hit your wife hard with sanctions. Drawing up a divorce decree is a good idea. You gotta get mean, mad dog mean with her, as Josie Wales would say. If you show any weakness at all she'll call your bluff and make you look like a chump. Don't be afraid of humiliating her in front of your kids.
I really cannot add anything more than what has been said. If you confront her and her lover face to face then make sure you have a buddy with you when you do it.
If she wants to leave, let her go. Not like you would have ever stopped her anyway. But do not leave your house for any reason. She is the one who needs to leave.
I'm sorry you're married to a fool. I hate for this to hapen to anyone.
Do not go into the confrontation with the thought *you* want to save the marriage. Is is so important that your W have the perception that you are confident in moving on with out her, and it is *her* that wants to save the marriage.
In my case , it was my indifference and calmness that scared my fWW the most. My W saw that I was moving on with out her and she did the heavy lifting to keep me around.
So when you do confront do not beg, no anger but with a smile on your face ask her to leave if she want to continue this behavior. This statemant alone will show her how confident you are and now it is up to her to fix this.
The point here is, so often the wayward tells the betrayed what they want to hear and manage to cake eat knowing that the betrayed isn't going any were so they continue the afair. In addition with this kind of confidence it *may* push her away, and in that case some waywards have already checked out long ago and you have now forced thier hand to move on and stop blowing smoke up your butt.
My thinking here is that one way or another your W will either be scared straight and truely take the consequences and own her bs or she will finally see that you have manned up and she can no longer manage you as she has before and will move on.
Bottom line is when you do confront, then confront with the confidence that you can loose your marrige and be better then she would ever expect. Its this unexpected behavior of confidence that left my wife second gussing her choices, it was my indiferrence that made her think twice in the fact that I was going to just let her go.
70Likes
Desperately want to end wife's affair 
