i have forgivin her and told her we would try to work it out.how do you ever trust them again? i do forgive her and i will never forget.what i cant get past is the lies she told over and over again.she always did stuff with her friends and i very rarely objected but that will now change.i will take my share of the blame in this but i have to live with what she did and that is not easy when the person you love the most does the worst thing that anyone could do to you.
Did you print off the instructions for the unfaithful spouse and go over it with her? What you have done, forgivness, is only a first step. Changes must be made. Responsibilities must be taken by her. If you try to just get this behind you with out her doing the heavy lifting neither one of you will make it.
Etch this in your mind BOTH of you are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage but she is 100% responsible for choosing (it is a choice NOT a mistake) to have affairs. Unlike her choice to have affairs, you had no choice in having depression.
You should print out chaparral's list on things that your wife should follow religiously if she is to regain your trust. Also print and have her read How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair. If she refuses or wavers in following them then she is not serious about marital recovery and you should proceed with the filing of divorce.
Seek the services of a professional therapist that has experience with infidelity and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) to help you by giving you the tools and guidance to heal from the trauma. In the meantime please read Cheated On, Tortured by Images.
Lastly, recovery is a one day at a time process that cannot and should not be rushed. Understand that you will have good and bad days (emotional roller coaster). Your personal recovery should be independent of your wife's actions or lack of.
TOF COURSE I DO NOT CONDONE WHAT THE OP'S WIFE DID... it was a huge mistake on her part... but I can certainly understand how it happened. Dealing with a depressed spouse 24/7, the need to have ANYONE pay attention in joy, fun, ease and comfort is overwhelming... and unfortunately the OP's W succombed.
Wrong. Affairs, whether they are ONS or LTA, are never mistakes. They are selfish choices made by people who have yet not grown up. And unlike affairs, depression is NOT a choice, it is a medical condition. You above all people should know this.
Like it or not, your initial post did come off as blaming the victim of depression, movin on, while only paying lip service against his wife's infidelities.
"I had depression and pushed her away, for about a year I was out off touch with her and the kids,she would tell me to get help but I would not listen"
This is the key point that I picked up on in your original post. This of course does not excuse your W's extramarital sexual encounters, however you do need to realize that you are responsible for your portion of the failure of the marriage. I went through this for 6 years with a H having serious mental health issues and not listening to my pleas that he get help. Depression is a very selfish disease... it envelopes the suffer so much so s/he doesn't realize the damage, hurt and pain it causes to those around them. This is utterly emotionally draining to those that love you. I am not surprized that your W looked elsewhere for the emotional bonding and support that she had every hope finding in you... but actually the reverse happens... you more than likely were the emotional drained her and gave nothing in return. She cannot emotionally trust you with her heart...this is your part you need to rebuild if you wish to save the marriage.
I truly hope that you have found the professional help you need. Make yourself whole and healthy... and from there you can perhaps rebuild a relationship with your wife and children.
so much for better or worse. that is some warped rationalization. one can always improve themselves but to mention this as an excuse is twisted
To Pidge - I am sorry if I offended you.. I meant that the disease... the chemical imbalance creates the selfish nature of the disease... not the person. For example, when my H attempted suicide... no where in his mind was the rational thought the effect his taking his life would affect the people around him... his children, myself.... as he describes it.. its like a huge black hole of despair in which he is unwilling but someway unable to escape from. Now after being in treatment for almost a year, he is improving, via medication and therapy... it still is a rollercoaster ride. There are good days and bad. But understand from my viewpoint living with, dealing with, coping with a major depressed person takes a toll on those around them. The emotional challenge on my part knowing that I couldnt rely on my H for comfort and support in my times of need, or being shot down in my times of joy as if I was "rubbing it in his face" that I could have happy moments. And on top of that.. to be pushed away... disregarded, disrespected and neglected... that my need that I was wanted or desired was not within his thoughts... again.. the chemical imbalance, not the person takes a tremendous toll. HOWEVER... the damage to the relationahip remains the same. I cannot yet let my heart completely trust in him to fulfill my emotional needs...because years of bad experiences take time to heal. I am working on that part as well
To all the others... WOW... what a personal attack... until you walk a mile in my shoes... you have no idea the emotional heart wretching strain depression takes on a marriage.. not only one year...but over many years. It took me expelling him from the home and a 9 month separation for my H to take the steps I begged him to for years... professional help and treatment, before we re-united. Reconciliation is a long challenging road... but in my mind a marriage is worth it... For better or worse... and tough love had to be implimented to have it sink in. OF COURSE I DO NOT CONDONE WHAT THE OP'S WIFE DID... it was a huge mistake on her part... but I can certainly understand how it happened. Dealing with a depressed spouse 24/7, the need to have ANYONE pay attention in joy, fun, ease and comfort is overwhelming... and unfortunately the OP's W succombed.
To the OP - I am thankful that you have found treatment and are working towards becoming healthy and whole again. I hope your W will get the help she needs too. However this will play out in your life... whether there is understanding, forgiveness, remorse on her behalf, and understanding on your part the effect of your depression had on your W. Whether she couldn't handle being pushed away anymore and was looking for affection in all the wrong ways. Whether you reconcile or divorce... i wish you peace.
I am not surprized by the outrageous bitterness on these boards... it comes from the hurt and pain... and only fosters spite and venegence...which I see all too often on threads like these... it is almost childlike.
Those that rise above it, overcome it.. can heal...
RoseRed
(still a loving wife of a former wayward H who now is getting the help he needs to save this marriage of 20+years)
she has been working hard to make things right.here is the issues i still have
1.she had tattoo boy on her friends list on fb even though she said she did not like him and wanted him gone
2.she said she felt guilty after night 1 at the beach but she gave him her cell # to call her the next day.
3.she said she did not like the guy she meet at the beach...but she text him everyday for two weeks after. every day she would send the first text so that tells me she did like him.
4.women may lie but the cell phone bill speaks the truth.
5.she had to do alot of planning to hook up with him the next weekend,she said she didnt but she went to the hotel and he would not have showed up unless she told him where she would be.that tells me alot.
6.when he text her she would respond almost immediatly.
So what concrete things has she actually done to begin to earn another chance with you?
Do you see the difference between earning a chance to be with you and getting your forgiveness?
At the moment forgiveness is way too soon. You are still finding out the truth amongst all the lies a deceit. So you can't yet forgive because you don't know fully what you would be forgiving.
Obviously she wasnt taen advantage of while drunk, she was making active plans over a period of days had weeks on cheating.
So there is nothing yet that she has done that would prevent her from starting right bak cheating as soon as you look the other way.
She right now has no respect for you, a woman does not so easily cheat on someone she respects. You are nothing but a paycheck and coparent right now.
So part of her heavy lifting is to clean and to invent and put in place actions that prevent herself from just doing it again,
The bug problems that it sounds like she's sorry she got caught, but she liked the cheating. Posted via Mobile Device
she has been working hard to make things right.here is the issues i still have
1.she had tattoo boy on her friends list on fb even though she said she did not like him and wanted him gone
2.she said she felt guilty after night 1 at the beach but she gave him her cell # to call her the next day.
3.she said she did not like the guy she meet at the beach...but she text him everyday for two weeks after. every day she would send the first text so that tells me she did like him.
4.women may lie but the cell phone bill speaks the truth.
5.she had to do alot of planning to hook up with him the next weekend,she said she didnt but she went to the hotel and he would not have showed up unless she told him where she would be.that tells me alot.
6.when he text her she would respond almost immediatly.
The "yeas i want to reconcile"decision. Will always be your´s.
But dont you think you are jumping a little to fast ahead??
I don think i have ever seen a reconciliation.With a happy
end result. That didn't include this simple thing.
The truth and nothing but the truth so help me good
approach.. read the quote again.. I mean really??
Please man.. WTF it´s so lame that is just plain insulting
about how she seem to think that you ,and even me.
Are that stuped..Come on man
Did you print off the instructions for the unfaithful spouse and go over it with her? What you have done, forgivness, is only a first step. Changes must be made. Responsibilities must be taken by her. If you try to just get this behind you with out her doing the heavy lifting neither one of you will make it.
So what concrete things has she actually done to begin to earn another chance with you?
Do you see the difference between earning a chance to be with you and getting your forgiveness?
At the moment forgiveness is way too soon. You are still finding out the truth amongst all the lies a deceit. So you can't yet forgive because you don't know fully what you would be forgiving.
Obviously she wasnt taen advantage of while drunk, she was making active plans over a period of days had weeks on cheating.
So there is nothing yet that she has done that would prevent her from starting right bak cheating as soon as you look the other way.
She right now has no respect for you, a woman does not so easily cheat on someone she respects. You are nothing but a paycheck and coparent right now.
So part of her heavy lifting is to clean and to invent and put in place actions that prevent herself from just doing it again,
The bug problems that it sounds like she's sorry she got caught, but she liked the cheating. Posted via Mobile Device
what things has she done you ask?
i have gotten rid of the people in my life who encouraged the affairs.....one was a friend of 26 years and cheated on her husband ! i have no doubts that this was the right decision and it was one of the easiest things ive ever had to do.
i have quit drinking......it has bcome a real problem for me over that past couple of years.
i want Mc and also IC as i have some abuse issues in my childhood that i have never dealt with .
my husband has all my passwords for my accounts and cell phone .......he was on them for months without my knowledge.....before anyone attacks me.......i was in no way angry when i found this out!
i in no way think of my husband as a meal ticket or a babysitter!
i know it's gonna be a long hard road to fix my marriage but i am 100% committed to making it work and i fight my A$$ of everyday to show him !
let the bashing begin.
for those of youwho may have missed it ....i am moving on's wife.
i have gotten rid of the people in my life who encouraged the affairs.....one was a friend of 26 years and cheated on her husband ! i have no doubts that this was the right decision and it was one of the easiest things ive ever had to do.
i have quit drinking......it has bcome a real problem for me over that past couple of years.
i want Mc and also IC as i have some abuse issues in my childhood that i have never dealt with .
my husband has all my passwords for my accounts and cell phone .......he was on them for months without my knowledge.....before anyone attacks me.......i was in no way angry when i found this out!
i in no way think of my husband as a meal ticket or a babysitter!
i know it's gonna be a long hard road to fix my marriage but i am 100% committed to making it work and i fight my A$$ of everyday to show him !
let the bashing begin.
for those of youwho may have missed it ....i am moving on's wife.
Did you read the wayward spouses instructions? Its not all about what you say its about your actions from this point on. And you have to understand that your husband may not be able to get over it. Most don't. Good luck and prayers for your family.
Did you read the wayward spouses instructions? Its not all about what you say its about your actions from this point on. And you have to understand that your husband may not be able to get over it. Most don't. Good luck and prayers for your family.
Where are the wayward spouse instructions? And thank you. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: What now? 
