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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-31-2012, 04:31 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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Originally Posted by calif_hope View Post
I believe it's about duality - being able to create a second persona a character. With the other man she was a different person than your wife - she was in the character she made up, this person or persona being more comfortable and free with sex than her normal self. With you she embraces the role of wife and mother and what she and society sees for that role. With the POS, she was a *****, an escort, a mistress and behaved accordantly. Most woman have *****/rape/domence fantasies but would never act on them.

Your wife, IMO, was able to step out of her role with your family and step in to a role that comes from her fantasy life.
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Exactly that (minus the rape thingy, kinda)!
There's this saying that a woman should be a lady in the living room, a mother in the nursery, a cook in the kitchen and a ***** in the bedroom - not sure if I'm quoting that right. Most women get the living room and nursery thing but they put a giant lock on the bedroom door as soon as they are done decorating the nursery.
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:41 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

We had one of those big blow ups last night that does lead to some progress. I found out he was texting my wife so I blew him up yesterday by sending an email to his boss that he was sending inappropriate emails to my wife using their email and their time and I told my wife what I had done last night. It was a major blow up and I told her to pack her bag and I would drop her at her friendís house. An hour or so later we are talking about how she can be open and unrestricted with him and not me. She says he was a fantasy and she cannot imagine me asking her for pictures of herself to masturbate too and she cannot imagine using the type of language she used with him with me. I cannot imagine she has me held up as a Madonna, or that I would be repulsed

I told her I am not having much sex so how does she think I am getting some release? I then pushed her to tell me the things about how it started and who initiated and so on. We have MC tonight so I am sure we are going to rehash this out again. I also told her she needs to figure out how she can be that open and intimate with me.
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Old 01-31-2012, 11:45 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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Hey Mahike---did you keep your wife's horse over at that big equestrian center in Huntington Beach----that place is one very social situation all by itself.
No it was not HB but I have never been to an equestrian center that was not full of drama.
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Old 01-31-2012, 01:40 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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I found out he was texting my wife ... It was a major blow up and I told her to pack her bag and I would drop her at her friendís house. An hour or so later we are talking about how she can be open and unrestricted with him and not me. ... I also told her she needs to figure out how she can be that open and intimate with me.
Our standard advice for ending an affair, as I'm sure you know, includes not contacting the OM and informing the loyal spouse about any attempted contact. You didn't say that she was returning his texts, or whether she told you about them. But it didn't sound like she was abiding by the standard no-contact agreement.

Also, her defending him against your anger is a bad sign that she is still emotionally invested in him.

If we add to that you telling her to leave, which she didn't do, I'm concerned that you're not enforcing your boundaries effectively. Hopefully, I'm wrong and just interpreting your post incorrectly. But it sounds like she's trying to cake eat and have a little contact with the OM. If so, you need to do more than threaten her with consequences. You've already done that. You need to be ready to impose those consequences.

Good luck.
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:13 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

She did respond and crossed the boundries. Nothing more then Hi how are you one liners but you are right. I started my divorce papers. What I did for the POSM (he is a high school teacher) is write a letter to his Principal about what he was doing on school time on school email accounts and so on. I copied the school district superindendent as well. I heard from the principal today letting me know that this would be handled and quickly.
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Old 01-31-2012, 04:33 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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She did respond and crossed the boundries. Nothing more then Hi how are you one liners
NC mean exactly that-- NO F@#$ING CONTACT WHATSOEVER!

What part of that does she NOT understand?
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Old 01-31-2012, 04:38 PM   #22 (permalink)
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NC mean exactly that-- NO F@#$ING CONTACT WHATSOEVER!

What part of that does she NOT understand?
Either she doesn't care if the OP divorces her, or she doesn't think he will.
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Old 01-31-2012, 04:45 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

She did not think I would pull the trigger with her or throw the POSM under the bus with his work either. She was wrong about him and I think me telling her to get out was a real eyeopener for her.
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Old 01-31-2012, 05:01 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

Mahike, how long ago was the A? I'm just curious, because I was told to expose the OM right away. D-day for me was only 4 days ago but my WS is still here with me and we are in the limbo stage right now.
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Old 02-01-2012, 03:36 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

I am not sure how much she really wants to R.----She is still being selfish, and not owning up to what she did, in which she treated you as a POS, and with total disrespect.

She said she couldn't see you doing the things she did with her lover---that is a total crock----Maybe you arn't into what she was doing---but what she was doing was so out of line it doesn't matter, and what she was doing, has destroyed your carefree life, wrecked your peace of mind, and destroyed your trust.

She is still being selfish, to make this work, if that is what you want she MUST become selfless-----she should be remorseful, contrite, if necessary grovel---she is none of that---in stead she says to you---I did these things with my lover, cuz I couldn't see doing them with you.

No matter how this goes down, she has ripped you apart, and you probably in all reality are not going to forget----It isn't necessarily the actual things she did with her lover---its that she did them with him, when she has never even considered doing those same things with you her H., who she took sacred vows with.

Yes you are very right about drama, at an equestrian center, some weird things go down, where there are women, and their horses.
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Old 02-01-2012, 10:50 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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Mahike, how long ago was the A? I'm just curious, because I was told to expose the OM right away. D-day for me was only 4 days ago but my WS is still here with me and we are in the limbo stage right now.
My biggest mistake was not to blow this thing wide open with the OM's wife, family friends. I know this guy going all the way back to high school and he was a selfish prick then and he is now.

I was concnerned for the damage this would have caused his two young daughters and I should have understood that he and my wife did not care about what happened to those girls.

I should have looked out for number one. Dumb stupid big mistake!

Do not takle the nice guy approach!!!
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Old 02-01-2012, 01:06 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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My biggest mistake was not to blow this thing wide open with the OM's wife, family friends. I know this guy going all the way back to high school and he was a selfish prick then and he is now.

I was concnerned for the damage this would have caused his two young daughters and I should have understood that he and my wife did not care about what happened to those girls.

I should have looked out for number one. Dumb stupid big mistake!

Do not takle the nice guy approach!!!
:
iagree:

I have not seen any thread where the BS took the "Nice Guy" approach and wasn't thrown under the Bus.

Unfortunately, unless the real Hard line is taken the BS always gets taken for granted that he/she will always forgive and let the WS back.

That is probably why "the Line in the Sand" needs to be established and stuck to. Many do not want to do it because that is not the way they were raised or how they want to treat people but in situations where an affair has occured it is the effective way and people have to do it.
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Old 02-01-2012, 01:10 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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Originally Posted by rrrbbbttt View Post
:
iagree:

I have not seen any thread where the BS took the "Nice Guy" approach and wasn't thrown under the Bus.

Unfortunately, unless the real Hard line is taken the BS always gets taken for granted that he/she will always forgive and let the WS back.

That is probably why "the Line in the Sand" needs to be established and stuck to. Many do not want to do it because that is not the way they were raised or how they want to treat people but in situations where an affair has occured it is the effective way and people have to do it.
I have a hard time dealing with the thought of kids being hurt but the one thing I have learned is that my wife and this POSM did not care about anything else but what they wanted or thougth they needed.

My advice to anyone go through this is get your ducks in a row and then blow it wide open and as fast as you can.
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Old 02-02-2012, 01:29 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

OK so you expose---where are YOU going from there

What are you considering---you obviously should take plenty of time and think about what YOU want for YOUR future---but somewhere along the line---you need to decide if you will continue to live with this woman, or if you will cut her loose, and make your way back into the world.
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