one more thing I do not understand
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-30-2012, 11:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default one more thing I do not understand

This goes back to the discussion of did she do things with that POS that she does not do with me. She was able to send photos, write sex stories, he talked with her about watching pornos and masturbating with her. If an x rated movie came up my wife would say change the channel. Tried to do sex emails back and forth she would not do that with me and any talk of masturbation from me was greeted with I do not want to talk about it. Her sex with him seems to be pretty straight forward those are her words not mine.
She has always been up tight with me about talking about sex and our sex life is pretty vanilla and sporadic but she has been free with him. I have never been a prude with her far from it. So someone that she has been married to for 30 years she cannot talk about sex, tell me her fantasies or desires but she could talk about them with that POSM.
She says while crying that she has no idea why she could be so free with him and not me. I am not sure if she is really being honest that she does not know, understand her feelings or she is afraid to tell me why.
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Old 01-30-2012, 11:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

She is prob trying to figure out how she could get to that point to cross those boundaries and that is why she says she doesn't know why she could be "so free" with him and do all of that.

She probably feels really ashamed at her behavior (one would hope). I would definitely let her know what is going on in your mind and that you feel confused and don't understand how/why she did that. Keep the lines of communication open.
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Old 01-30-2012, 11:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

This is not affair related for me and in my case, but I've had a very hard time to switch of "Mommy" and replace her with "Wife". It often felt like there wasn't even a switch at all, I was just being "Mommy" all the time. I would want to do all these things to and with my husband but dang, I just couldn't do it because "Mommy" wouldn't do these things. Our daugther is almost 15 now and somewhere in recent years I have been able to actually find the "wife" switch and damn it, I'm flipping it on all the time now!!!
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Old 01-30-2012, 11:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

Sometimes, intimacy can be a scary thing. She might just be so insecure and uncertain about what she wants and whether or not it's acceptable that she wasn't able to bring it up with you at all, like some kind of extreme self-consciousness gone very wrong. I'm not excusing her behavior, just considering what might have been going through her mind. Perhaps she lacks the self-awareness to understand why she did what she did. If so, it would be helpful to find ways to talk around it or get some books to help each other through the process.

I think it's really good that you guys are communicating, even though it is difficult and frustrated and fraught with mistrust. At least you're not pushing each other away with cruelty, instead, but trying to remain vulnerable enough to deal with the problems. Maybe you might be able to understand each other and how to fix the problems, at some point.

It's got to feel frustrating and insulting that she allowed herself to be free with him and not you, but it's good that you're focusing on the WHY of it....
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Old 01-30-2012, 12:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

My theory on this is that the AP is more of an escape - you can be someone you aren't normally with the AP because there are no strings like kids, responsibilities, etc. There is less emotional baggage to carry, so it's like, "f*ck it", let's do this!

With a spouse, doing something out of the comfort zone may open things they are afraid to open, because they know they will have to deal with it "forever". Also, they may feel more embarrassed. With an AP, if you get really embarrassed, it's easier to just blow off the person going forward.
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Old 01-30-2012, 12:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

I am not sure if we can keep the lines of communication open on this. She says your issues are all about the sex. I point out to her that 80% of her messages, email, texts, and pictures were about sex with the POSM. She tells me he was a connection. Of course my response is yes and it was almost all about the sex.
As far as the Mommy switch our youngest is now 26. There is something with her that when we travel she is more interested and more into sex. So maybe it is something about being at home
But let’s get to the ego part she could tell this POSM that she wanted x and could not wait to touch his y. That hurts as much as the fact she took off her clothes and jumped into bed with him. She has never been able to do that for me.
You know I am the guy that took care of her, I am the guy that has always held the door open for her brought her flowers and she gave that intimacy that connection to someone else. Someone that was there with her through all the bad stuff life has to offer and I get the I cannot be that way with you.
I just cannot keep dealing with I do not know why?
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Old 01-30-2012, 01:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

Well then don't. Tell her it's a deal breaker for you, that she sends you a message you're a 2nd grade partner, and you would rather then move on. See how she responds.

It might be some insecurities of her that she has to work on hard, but at this point it shouldn't be your problem.
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Old 01-30-2012, 02:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

I believe it's about duality - being able to create a second persona a character. With the other man she was a different person than your wife - she was in the character she made up, this person or persona being more comfortable and free with sex than her normal self. With you she embraces the role of wife and mother and what she and society sees for that role. With the POS, she was a *****, an escort, a mistress and behaved accordantly. Most woman have *****/rape/domence fantasies but would never act on them.

Your wife, IMO, was able to step out of her role with your family and step in to a role that comes from her fantasy life.
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Old 01-30-2012, 02:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Well then don't. Tell her it's a deal breaker for you, that she sends you a message you're a 2nd grade partner, and you would rather then move on. See how she responds.

It might be some insecurities of her that she has to work on hard, but at this point it shouldn't be your problem.
Could not agree more with this.

She needs to understand that a huge part of her heavy lifting to earn back her chance to be with you REQUIRES her to fix her problem with engaging you like this. This is one of the consequences of her chosing to cheat.

Obviously she can do ir, but she is refusing to make the effort with you.

Basically it's time for her to do the work or pack her bag.

She is expecting that if she waits you out, that you'll give up and accept her back in the same old marriage that ended withher cheating.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife have been so accepting as you have been putting with such nonsense from you? She has made it clear that you are a second rate partner to her and the door prize. If you put up with this then you are sending a message to her that she is correct. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

Off the top of my head, I can think of two possibilities. First, as other posters have pointed out, she may have just been able to live totally in a fantasy where she was "on vacation" and didn't have to worry about the drudgery that often kills her libido. Second, it may have to do with you. Often, men assume that their frigid wife isn't interested in sex in general. But they learn that their wives are very interested in sex with other men. So it's the husbands that just aren't inspiring the lust in their wives.

If you've always been the safe, beta provider, then a dangerous, alpha bad boy who was only interested in her body may have been very sexy to her. And her confusion over this point may be genuine. Women will often convince themselves intellectually that they want the stable paycheck hubby who buys them flowers twice a month. When their bodies get all tingly over the crude guy who texts a picture of his junk, they're legitimately surprised by how they react.
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Old 01-30-2012, 04:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

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Well then don't. Tell her it's a deal breaker for you, that she sends you a message you're a 2nd grade partner, and you would rather then move on. See how she responds.

It might be some insecurities of her that she has to work on hard, but at this point it shouldn't be your problem.
i agree. she is used to you, knows all about you and what makes yo tick so it is not easy to change her perception of you. most of the responses so far have seemed pretty lame. i am telling you the hard truth, that respect is not there for her. the quickest way to get that back is to do above. show her you deserve bettre and maybe she will try to be "that" better option.
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Old 01-30-2012, 05:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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She is prob trying to figure out how she could get to that point to cross those boundaries and that is why she says she doesn't know why she could be "so free" with him and do all of that.

She probably feels really ashamed at her behavior (one would hope). I would definitely let her know what is going on in your mind and that you feel confused and don't understand how/why she did that. Keep the lines of communication open.
I told her she needs to figure it out and soon. I have heard her talking with her best friend sobbing that she does not know what or why she has done any of this.

I am not letting her off the hook she has to explain her feelings and motives before we even try to work on other issues in our marriage.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:02 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

You are the nice guy---he was the bad boy---You must know all nice guys finish last---and women are attracted to the bad boys

Your very very very major problem here is her being willing to do things with him, that she wouldn't do with you---that is going to rub your sub-conscious raw---it will trigger you and your visions are just not gonna go away

I don't know how you want this all to settle out in the end---but it really doesn't matter, why, anymore-----its down to what you can handle---for the rest of your life---cuz just looking at this woman, must be very tuff for you.
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:15 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: one more thing I do not understand

Hey Mahike---did you keep your wife's horse over at that big equestrian center in Huntington Beach----that place is one very social situation all by itself.
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